Never assume that people have the same intelligence nor that intelligence rubs off on to the next person. I had known
Londiwe long enough to know that she had her moments of utter ridiculousness so I guess this was one of them. She however did not cease to surprise me because with all her pride I could never in a million years have thought she would want to share me.
“You don’t fix one problem by creating another problem! How does that even feature in your head?”
I asked baffled at the logic of a grown person thinking like this. Ok wait, I am wrong there are grown people who allow other grown people to spray them in the face with Doom after all.
“I want a solution that benefits us all, Naledi might be stupid but she does not deserve to have a child without a father!”
“I never even agreed that both your children are mine in the first place!”
I shouldn’t have said that. Both women started shouting at me calling me irresponsible and potential dead beat. They ganged up on me and were not letting it go.
“So are you saying we sleep around Vusi? When you were inside us did you not enjoy every moment now you want to say you don’t know us?”
Now there was an ‘us’ and obviously it was Londiwe speaking. On the other hand Naledi was saying,
“I should have known that you were typical pathetic excuse driven man. Wait till my father hears about this!”
She threatened. Two things I could not avoid, the accents. When Londiwe got angry her fake twang deserted her. It was like watching Isibaya and reading the English subtitles with an accent, a Nongoma one. Naledi on the other hand spoke with her polished English so it was like having a white woman and her maid fighting at the same time. If this was not a serious matter I am sure I would have laughed.
“If you are both going to shout at me how are we going to fix this? Londiwe apologize to Naledi for hitting her right now otherwise we will not fix this!”
I told the more aggressive of the two.
“You want me to apologize to the woman who slept with my husband?”
She asked me in disbelief.
“She did not know we were together and we were not even together to be honest.”
I told her standing up.
“Over my dead body shem!”
She threatened and gave Naledi a look that can kill.
“Then this conversation is over!”
I told her and made as though I was standing up.
“Vusi no don’t go. I don’t an apology but we need to talk about this come on man! I don’t want South African psycho here coming to break down my door again!”
Naledi said. I think her confidence was slowly but surely coming back.
“Who are you calling psycho? Your pussy is wide open like the boom gates at Unisa on registration day sies!”
I could not bring myself to say it in vernacular because that’s exactly how she said it and the vulgarity took me by surprise.
“Say what? You think I don’t know how you struggled to have a baby. He told me. Mine might be open but its fertile yours has concrete it’s a wonder he even managed to penetrate it!”
Naledi responded also in vernacular. I guess when women fight the English goes out.
“You told her of my problems?”
Londiwe asked looking betrayed. It was out now so I don’t know what I was supposed to say.
“Yeah he told me and he also told me that he thinks you slept with some stupid ex of yours so don’t tell me about being a bitch before you check yourself woman!”
Naledi said angrily. Londiwe jumped to hit Naledi but this time around Naledi was ready for her. They traded a few claps before I intervened and pulled them apart.
“If you touch each other again I will leave. I will not come back then you two can marry each other!”
I told them angrily. I must say it’s true that women will rather fight each other than fight the one constant. In this case I was the constant. I had slept with both women yet they were fighting each other. I am not an exception to the norm, Naledi did not know about Londiwe and most of the side chicks don’t know that there is a wife or girlfriend but you will find the latter hunting the side chick? How? Where is the common sense in that? Mind you it does not matter what social class these women belong to because rich or poor they all do it. The problem is the one sleeping next to you, the one cheating not the one on the other side! Good luck with wanting to rule the world and be treated as equals at this rate when you can’t even stand together!
“Yeah be a typical man and run away from the mess you created. Are you happy now to see two women fighting over you? Is this what you wanted to see me and her slap each other around? Is this the threesome you have always wanted?”
Londiwe asked me. Londiwe once asked me what my greatest fantasy was and like a fool I had answered and said a threesome. She had used that against me ever since whenever we fight as though I was lusting over other women.
“How did we even get there? I am saying that I don’t want to discuss this with screaming women I want to discuss this as civilized people. Look at you both, you are both pregnant and risk having miscarriages just so you can prove a point! How stupid is that?”
I asked them. I think I drove that point home because they actually both instinctively clutched their bellies as though they could feel whether the baby was ok.
“I was never going to hurt her baby come on now I might hate her but I would never do that.”
Londiwe said looking at Naledi.
“I am ok and you?”
Naledi asked. No no no what was happening now? Where they forgiving each other? I can’t have that.
“Naledi you need to go home now? I need to speak to Londiwe alone, then I will speak to you alone as well. Right now the two of you keep getting angry and it’s not helping the cause!”
I told her.
“No she is not going anywhere. She is my sister wife and we are both going to hear what you have to say! If we can share a dick on a weak pathetic man that means we have no secrets from each other. Naledi have you seen this man pregnant?”
“Yes I have!”
Naledi responded folding her arms across her chest and rolling her eyes,
“Good, so have I so there is nothing more to hide you seen both of us naked too. Must I make you some tea?”
Londiwe offered her. Was she doing it to spite me?
“Yes thank you, is it ok if I help you with making the tea I don’t want to stand here and have to look at him alone!”
“Of course my dear! Don’t you dare go to bed wena sgebengu because I will pour you with water Shem!”
Londiwe threatened. What water she didn’t say what if it was boiling water? I would not put it past her that one.
“You guys are not serious; you want to make tea after all this!”
I asked her or rather I said to no one in particular.
“I think he would rather we kill each other! Typical man to think everything revolves around them!”
“Says the grown woman who was about to run to go report to her father that we are fighting!”
I retorted. There is nothing more annoying than women who try and push a feminist agenda on some men yet on others are quick to go on their knees and lick their asses for attention. That’s how I saw this so called empowered Naledi.
“Oh wow that was a low blow really but just so you know my father is twice the man you will ever be!”
She told me.
“Lol, really I don’t recall him making you pregnant!”
I retorted again. Ok now that was low blow. Her Mouth was left ajar. I think she had thought she had a monopoly at saying hurtful words now I was giving her a bit of her own medicine. If her reaction was anything to go by that had hit home.
“That was quite rude and uncalled for!”
“Are you going to play victim now? I have been trying to talk to the both of you for a long time and all you have done was argue and fight. I am not here to just roll over and play dead just because you can raise your voice loudly!”
I told her.
“Don’t listen to him Naledi. That’s what he does when he is in a corner he picks the most hurtful words he can find.”
Londiwe said joining in a fight that was not hers to start with.
“Yes I notice.”
They actually went on to make tea. I did not go to bed because I did not trust Londiwe not to pour me with water. Now that she was drinking tea I also realized that I should tone down my retorts because I would not put it past her to throw that tea at me.
“I think it’s safe to say that all that hostility is out of the air, now we can talk!”
Londiwe said when they sat down.
“What’s your solution now to this crisis we have?”
She asked me politely. Her rural respectful cap was back on.
“I don’t know I thought you had it all figured out!”
I told her dismissively.
“Look I am trying here, we are trying here and we need to come up with a solution that will work for all of us!”
She said again.
“I don’t think polygamy is the answer though let’s start there. I already can’t handle you when you are alone like this I would need a miracle to handle both of you.”
I told her. She chuckled as though it was funny that I had said that but I was actually serious.
“Besides we can’t afford such a thing in any case. Polygamy means two of everything and this includes two houses etc!”
I explained to her. This was my way of letting her down gently.
“Naledi you are not saying anything!”
Londiwe asked her.
“What can I say? I have never thought of such things and besides Joburg people don’t do such things unless they want to be on TV!”
She said and Londiwe laughed.
“Ok then you and I and talk about it and I will tell you all about it. If you don’t want after I have explained it then we can drop the conversation!”
“You can’t be seriously interested though ah!”
I said standing up.
“I am going to bed ladies I won’t be part of this because at the end of the day I am not doing it and frankly speaking I don’t think Naledi you are that crazy to do this anyway!”
I said as I walked past them. They will figure out where they will sleep Shem.
I know nonsense when I see it and Londiwe was it.
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Thank you for the opportunity.
The worst thing happened to me recently. Guys men are dogs don’t let anyone fool you on that point. I have dating my fiancé four years now and only four months are go he proposed. We moved in together so that we could save up for our wedding. I gave up my flat and he paid lobola. All was good. A month ago he went out with his boys and my brother went with his as well. They always go out and I also go out with my girls so there was nothing wrong with it. I had a project to work on so he came back when I was still up. There was not that much water pressure because water that day had been like that so he could not shower and besides he had showered when he left. I was feeling naughty so I decided to go down on him. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I sucked his dick and I swear I tasted another girls fluids. I lost it. He tried to deny it but when someone has sex and does not bath you smell her on him. I was so disgusted l packed that night and I left. I hate him right now. I am staying with a friend but looking for a place.
Ladies be careful with these people you date! They are evil.