Growing Up Relevant

Growing Up – Chapter 53

I think it is by now everyone knows how much I want to get married, I do act like I don’t want to get married when I am in front of people who aren’t my friends but I consider you guys my friends, that is why it is no secret to you guys that I really want to get married. I have always wanted to get married, but my desperate need to get married grew stronger when I became a Christian. It’s not God or the Holy Spirit who made me want to get married but it’s the old women and the married women who make us want to get married. Since becoming a Christian I have seen that a person getting married gets more applauds than a person who is graduating. A married young woman is taken more seriously in the church than a single woman. I don’t know the real reason for this, but I am guessing it is because marriage is considered to be the biggest achievement a woman can ever receive. But is marriage really an achievement? Is marriage a gift from God, or an achievement?

Well, whatever it is, I still want to get married. I think another reason I want to desperately get married is that I want to belong to someone or something, I just need to have a sense of belonging. I always thought I belonged to Philani, but after learning that he has slept with my friend, I just knew that I have to find something else to belong to. Yes I know that I am not innocent, but I never slept with Philani’s best friend. I now believe that throughout our entire relationship, Philani cheated right from the beginning and I was too blind to see that or he was just a professional cheater and was very good at hiding things.

Considering everything Philani has put me through, I was making a wise choice by agreeing to get married to Apostle Thulani. Philani made it clear to me that he doesn’t want to get married, he said he doesn’t think he wants to spend the rest of his life with a girl like me. Philani was old but his biggest worry was that if we were to get married, we would have children then I would have stretch marks and gain weight. He was happy to have me as the little beautiful girl friend he showed off to his friends and family. I was good enough to do domestic chores in house, buy him groceries and cook for him. He was more than happy to make me bend in all weird positions and places, all in the name of ‘keeping our sex life interesting’. I was good enough for him to ask me to move in with him but I guess I was never going to be good enough for him to make me his wife. Sad reality I had to accept is that even after all these years we spent together, Philani would never consider me ‘wife material’.

As much as I loved Philani but what he was offering me was not good enough for me. I also wanted to be Mrs Somebody. I know I am still in my early 20’s but years run past very quickly and sooner or later I am going to be in my mid 30’s. I don’t want to be 30 something and single, imagine going on 40 and still being called Miss Zulu. There is nothing wrong with being old and single but I personally don’t want that for myself. When I walk into church I want them to respect me, take me seriously and use me as an example when they are advising the younger girls or single ladies e.g “Young ladies, Mrs Hlengiwe Zungu is a great example, she waited upon the Lord to bless her with a Godly husband, she didn’t have children until she got married and now she is living a great life.”

I didn’t know Apostle Thulani very well like I knew Philani, and maybe that was a great thing because we were going to get to know each other inside our marriage. I knew important things like that he was an Apostle, what his age was and that he was great in bed, I was going to learn all the other things about him after we get married. I believe that even if you can spend 10 years in a relationship before getting married, you can never say you really know a person. I say thins because people change, evolve and mature daily…the person I am today will not be the same person I will be 5 years from now because experiences will shape me, interactions with different people will change the way I view life and growing up will mature me and my thinking. So getting to know a person is a daily task because if you are attentive enough you will something new about a person every day.

After agreeing to his proposal and eating supper, we went to his house and celebrated the best way we know how. When we made love that night, I didn’t feel an inch of guilt because I knew that he was all mine and I entirely belonged to him….He was mine and I was his. We had the greatest sexual experience and I don’t think there is a room in his house we didn’t enter or a position we didn’t explore. That night we went all out and it was freaken awesome because I knew that I wasn’t cheating anyone.

In the morning, we took a bath together and we went to have breakfast at the mall. We were proudly holding hands and we didn’t care who was going to see us because there was nothing left to hide. I was really inlove and the way he kept staring at me, gave me surety that he loved me deeply. While we were eating he asked

“Babe, when are you going to break the news to Philani?”

“I am not looking forward to it,” I said, “but I am going to do it today. I will send him a text and ask him to come over.”

He said “I am not comfortable with you and him meeting, I don’t trust him, maybe I should come as well, so that when you tell him and he becomes violent I can protect you. Or what if he tries to make you change your mind? No baby, I worked so hard to make you mine, I will not lose you.”

“No baby, I think you being there will cause more harm than good, Philani isn’t a violent man, and you will not lose me because I am done with Mr cheating Philani. I am yours baby, so you don’t need to worry about anything.”

He asked me why was I saying Philani is a cheater and I told him the entire story, which shocked him because like everyone else, he knew Philani to be a very honest guy. When we were done, I went home with my sister’s car and he drove behind me because he wanted to make sure that I got home safely. When we arrived at my place, before he left he gave me and envelope with a letter inside. I thought it was a love letter, but he told me that the letter is directed to my uncles. I don’t know what the letter is called but it is written to the girl’s family when the guy is ready to pay lobola. I was extremely happy when he gave me this letter, it proved that he was really serious about us. I hoped that he wasn’t going to take years paying my lobola, because I wasn’t prepared to be one of those ladies who are on lay-buy. I wanted my engagement to last a maximum of a year, I didn’t want a 5 year or 10 year old engagement. I think if you have been engaged for so long, your man never wanted to marry you, he just bought you a ring and paid 30% of the lobola to keep you happy.

When I went inside the house I was really happy and I forgot that the previous night I was crying because of what Philani and Tsiamo did. I remembered everything that happened when I went inside the house and saw Tsiamo, she was packing her things. When she saw me come in, she stopped everything and said

“Hlengy I know that you are angry at me, and you have every reason to be angry because what I did was unforgivable. But you shouldn’t be this angry at me because, if you think about it, I helped you in a way. Had I not slept with him, you weren’t going to know that he is a liar and a cheater. Philani has probably always been cheating on you and you never knew but now, because of me, you know what kind of man he is and you can break away from this sham you call a relationship. I love you mina Hlengy and I hope you will forgive me. Don’t be one of those stupid girls who end their long term friendships because of something a man did, we are sisters and we will get through this.”

After she said those words, I walked past her and went to my room. I couldn’t believe what my ears were hearing, maybe I was going to consider forgiving her if she I saw a bit of remorse from her. Her apology lacked everything an apology should consist of i.e. sincerity and remorse. Telling me that you did me a favour by sleeping with my man isn’t an apology, you are disrespecting me, in a not-so subtle way. The worst part of her whole apology was when she said I should act like a STUPID girl who ends friendships because of something a man did. Who was stupid here? Me or her? I am sure that the stupid one is she who was willing to betray her long term friend because she couldn’t keep her legs closed.

When I entered my room, I lay on my bed and it then dawned on me that I was actually really engaged. The realisation gave me bitter sweet feelings, I was happy because I loved him and we were finally going to be together but I was also worried about what would people say and how would his congregation react when I become their First Lady, but I was going to deal with all of that when the time comes.

I sent Philani a text asking him to come and see me as soon as he knocked off, to which he replied “Yeah I will be there Hlengiwe because we need to talk.”

I spent the rest of my day making a guest list for my wedding and trying to figure out what kind of wedding I wanted. Time went by very quick and Philani was already at my house to see me. I took off my ring when he came in, because I wanted to tell him before he sees me wearing my ring.

“Philani please sit down, we have important things to talk about.” I said as soon a she came in.

“I know we have important thing to talk about,” he said, “but Lerato told me that she saw you and Apostle Thulani at the mall having breakfast this morning. Please explain to me why you were with him because I don’t understand.”

Clearly Lerato was still in the picture and she was still trying to score points…shame poor girl. Just as I was about to respond to him, we heard someone walk in and say “Baby I know you said I shouldn’t come but I couldn’t stop myself. We are in this together, so we will solve it together.”

It was my fiancé!!!

“Baby?” Philani asked with his eyes and face turning red from anger.

7 thoughts on “Growing Up – Chapter 53

  1. I still don’t get why hlengiwe is mad with philani for cheating? Is because it was with her friend? But if it was because he cheated alone then what has she been doing too? Playing the Saint? It is just a pot calling kettle black. It’s just one of the so called normalcy in our society where females overemphasized on their guys cheating just because they are yet to be caught too

  2. hlengi is making a mistake by getting married to Thulani… not that Philani is any better. but hell no to the brother in law.. tjo

  3. Hi MikeI was looking at s trending cyber bully post on Twitter…. And to my shock and disappointment you were in the mix retweeting and edging it on. I’ve been reading your blogs from the beginning and expected you to be aware of the dangers of cyber bullying and how it can ruin people’s lives. It is something that should never be encouraged especially amongst teens as the results are usually quite traumatic, sad and tragic.. I’m talking suicide and murder. Please do not encourage it and help in the fight against this.

  4. I never comment but i do have to commend you on your writing skills, this chapter is well written despite a few glitches here and there but really its quite refreshing to read a great story that well written. Kudos to you and thanks 🙂

  5. wena Hlengiwe you’re to judgemental for a Christian okokqala nje u screw every Dick, Tom and Jerry even your neighbours babuya kuwe ..kodwa ukwazi to judge Tsiamo ebe efana nawe ibhayibheli doesn’t justify ubufebe ubufebe nje kwaphela. All you want is marriage ekbeni usabusy with other men it’s hard coz loku okwenza manje you’ll do it when married..Once a cheater always a cheater

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