We are not white parents no matter how educated we can get as blacks. We can’t drink or party with our children because it’s not the ‘black’ way! We expect our children to learn from us and become mature when in all honesty we give them nothing to work with. Most kids discover life for themselves because for example we pride ourselves “my child is not my friend but my child,” which creates a problem that she will never open up to you nor you to her. You are too busy patting yourself on the back for being called mother that you don’t see that you are isolating your child. Bad decisions come from bad planning and no one does that better than black mothers. Nobody said that raising a child would be easy but really a teenage daughter must come with a manual that allows you to press reset to when she was five so you can start over again. I hated my daughter at this very moment and what’s worse I knew there was nothing I could do to reverse it. What do you do when your child tells you that though? It’s so weird how I was a doctor and discuss sex and babies with young women but when it comes to my daughter it is not that easy! I had a major problem coming my way.
“Why are you sitting down?”
The boy’s mother asked. I had forgotten she was standing there when the message came in.
“My life is over I tell you! I just don’t know any more!”
I said to her looking at my phone! She was confused and told me that much herself.
“You know I never got your name? It’s the second time you are at my house and these kids will give us drama forever!”
I said to her instead of answering her question. I thought she was going to make a retort but she did not. She actually sighed and said I was right. She said he name was Lihle Ngidi and pulled me to my feet. I showed her the message I had just received and she whistled. I know exactly knew why she was doing it.
“I guess this officially makes us inlaws!”
She said. The joke was lost on me but then again she was not lying. Her son had just broken my daughters virginity. Why was I not so angry though? Yes I was weak from it all but I did not feel anger. I was just numb. It’s something I had always put at the back of my mind because it’s something I did not want to think about. As a doctor I know from all of the statistics that over 50% of all teens lose their virginity at this stage. So as a mum it’s something you strongly consider. Maybe it was the way she had said it.
“Do we go look for them?”
I asked her. Clearly her son had been doing these mischievous things longer than I had so she had a head start on me.
“No we don’t. It’s what they want right?”
Was she saying that we must just leave them to do as they pleased! Was that not the worst thing ever? It clearly was. You see as far as I am concerned it’s easier to have a boy child than a girl child. If the girl gets pregnant where does the baby go? Usually no in fact, I have never seen the boy’s mother take that’s girls baby in. Never! It’s on you the mom. That’s why it’s easy for Lihle to say such a thing. She had a son and not a daughter.
“So what do you do in life?”
I asked her. She was she was a Chartered Accountant meaning that her time was often limited.
“My son acts out every time I try dating. A few weeks ago I met this wonderful man. The day he came to visit me at my house my son, Lizwe, took a wire and scratched his car! The man obviously never came back!”
She told me. I asked my husband in to come and introduce him to my new friend. They greeted and made small talk. Turned out they knew the same people. She told me a lot about raising a rebellious teenager and for the first time I appreciated that actually my daughter was not a difficult child. She was seeing flames.
“Ma’am it’s me again. Your daughter is back. With your permission we are going to punish them. She will never forget this day that much I can guarantee you!”
The lady said. I gave her the go ahead. I know I was supposed to be happy that she was back but funny enough I was numb to it. It’s not that I did not care but the way that message had sounded she had been trying to hurt me yet again. I told Lee that they were back meaning she should expect her son home anytime soon. I asked her if she was going to punish him again for this and she was without a doubt. She said her son was trying to be the man of the house, this time she was going to box him. I did not understand what she meant but this woman was really one of those strong independent woman who had their shit together. Never thought I could respect a single woman so much.
“The trick with children when they are younger is them knowing who is boss! However as they get older and physically bigger they challenge that meaning they want to see what you will do next!”
I could not handle this. It simply was too much work. My daughter needed help and I really hope that place would allow me to add a child psychologist to her punishment. This was such a great opportunity as she would not think it was me doing it but them.
Eventually Lihle left. I actually felt sorry for her because being a single mom meant she had to deal with all these things by herself, one woman! At least with me I had my husband to share the burden and the load. I decided not to show him what the sms had said because I know he was going to go ballistic.
“Hey mom I am back in my prison cell. Mother of the year you are for not even replying your own daughter!”
The message read. I was so tempted to respond to her this time and shout at her but I could hear Lihles voice in my head saying I should not respond. It’s what she wanted me to do.
My husband came and asked me what was going on but before I could answer my father called me! Eish, what did he want now. I showed my husband the caller ID and he insisted that I should answer.
It was my father in his smug voice,
“I have found the journalist! My boys have locked him up somewhere! We are going to beat the life out of him if he does not give us the video!”
What the hell?
“No father please don’t harm him please!”
I pleaded with him but I knew it was to no avail.
“We are closing in on Mthobisi as well. Already found his wife and friend Cleo but we have not done anything as yet. No one messes with my family!”
He said and hung up. I tried to call him back but he ignored my call!
He had just made a situation worse!
Lord help me!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
I really need your advice. I was one of three children at home but two years ago my brother got sick and died. It devastated my family. Last year I passed my matric with flying colours. Through the Limpopo government I got a scholarship to go study in Australia.
My mother said no. She asked the premier to his face,
“How am I going to see my daughter?”
I swear I cried. She put her foot down. She wouldn’t even allow me to Cape Town because it was too far. I matriculated at 16 years 11 months meaning I am still 17 so cannot do the consent for myself as yet. I am going to lose this opportunity unless I run away. I come from a village community and I can guarantee it that there is not one person from my area who has ever been blessed with such an opportunity. My mother refuses to see the bigger picture and I hate her. Holidays and weekends I don’t come home. I don’t pick up her phones. I can’t believe she said no when I worked so hard for it. Now she is sending my uncles to campus to talk and when I explain to them they say things like,
“The ancestors won’t be able to see you overseas!”
Like what the fuck! I am so angry. What do ancestors have to do with my education and me going to Australia?
How do I change her mind? Please help me because now I am stuck at the University of Venda (true story) when I could have had the best in life, which would have benefited everyone at home.