When people kill themselves they often live a suicide note! Does it lessen the family’s pain? Yes it does! Why? Well
the suicide note gives a bittersweet closure because at least you know why they did it! Imagine blaming yourself for your child’s actions because you never quite knew what happened. Leaving a suicide note behind reminds you that even though in killing themselves the person was ultimately insensitive for leaving you with all this pain, the reality is that when they needed help you failed to see it. Some people literally suffer in front of us but we will not take a moment to recognize this because we are so busy with our own lives. It is hard though, sigh! It is hard…
“Is this letter not meant for her mother or someone else?”
I asked by the off chance that he would not make me read it. I really did not want to but with his standing there glaring at me and my own heart beating so fast it made me so nervous. I had already glimpsed the part that he wanted me to see and I could not bring myself to read it all.
“Lungi read the letter now!”
He said angrily. Mbilahelo was one person who never got angry at me but right now he was incensed. He had his gun in its holster and I just prayed he won’t lose it and shoot me right here and then.
“Do I have to?”
I asked him in vein. I had to. Even I wanted answers I suppose. I was not going to read it out loud though.
“TO WHOEVER READS THIS
Ndi khou humbela pfarelo that I have had to do this. I know how much you had to sacrifice for me to go to school and for me to make something of myself. The last few weeks I have been lying to you. I lost my job and I am so sorry. I know it made you so proud that I was equal at work with abalungu. It was not true even though it’s what I told you. They got paid more even though we worked more and did the same job as them with the same if not better qualifications. It’s not an excuse though; I worked hard every day like you taught me to, no excuses. Killing myself is my last hope for you to have a better life. I have HIV mum and I know you warned me about Azwindini and I did not listen and for that I am sorry. I failed you as a daughter and. I know what you always said about bringing HIV home, I am so ashamed. I should have known better, I should have done better and yes I should I have been better.
You are probably dead to by now but fuck you need to know why you are in the ground. I guess this is what you wanted. Azwindini! You wanted me to die for my love so here I am, I hope this makes you happy but oh wait … we die together. Who is laughing now player! The things you promised me when we were good any girl would have been proud. A house, a car, marriage, kids everything I mean how could I not support you. I was so blinded by my love for you I did not even see it coming. I took loans out for you to open your businesses but now I know you used that money to take women overseas. I opened my eyes and I researched you. You slept with my best friend, how could you do that? You made me forgive you and I did because I am a woman who grew up with the notion that we fight for our relationship. I lost my job and I kept on. I even got HIV and even then I kept on be it brief until the moment you bragged that you didn’t give me HIV because my best friend is pregnant and she HIV free! You even said you suspect it’s your baby so tough luck to me. How could you be so cruel? Are you saying I cheated on you? How many times have I begged you for a baby but you insisted I stay on the pill just so I cannot get pregnant? Today someone else is pregnant by you and you want to run off with her! Yho Shem I will raise Satan if I must to make sure that will never happen. Sofa silahlane uzobona!
You were my best friend. I know you never saw me as such but I looked up to you and would have done anything for you. How do you get pregnant by my boyfriend Lungi? Kanjani? The sad part is that you don’t even want him as he was just a tool for you to use and discard. I wanted him and I worshipped him yet you do this! It’s ok though only God can judge, its ok!
Mum, I have three life policies. I sent Tshidi an email just ask her to check. Don’t worry they payout even if I commit suicide so in death I will finally give you what I could not afford to in life. You will never ever go hungry again and you can maybe move to the suburbs if you want. Ngiyakutsandza.
Kha vha sale
Your loving daughter
By the time I finished reading this I was crying. Often when someone does something this stupid we refuse to acknowledge the role we play. When women cheat with a married man and he divorces destroying a family and kids they believe that it’s none of their business because it was not them who told him to cheat. We don’t care what happens to the other woman so long as we get what we want yet we want the world to fight with us for equal rights. We hate other women and are willing to destroy each other for it. I can never call myself a closet feminist after this as I was part of the problem why women suffer. I watched the show The Big Debate with Redi Tlabi and soon after a woman complained about women not being the right to be heard another woman tried to speak and the women told her she had no right to because she belonged to COSATU. Imagine not a minute after saying men stop them from being heard other women told her the very same thing. That’s us as women, that is what we do! We undermine each other and take from one another then scream inequality!
“Lungi, is this true?”
Mbilahelo asked me. I could not even look him in the eye but I could see that like me he was crying. When a man cries it’s something else! I could feel his disappointment and his anger at once oozing out of his skin.
“Mbilahelo I …”
I wanted to say but at that moment we were disturbed.
“Ah Lungi you came? Ndo luvhuwa mwana wanga for doing this, it really means a lot!”
A voice said from behind us. I knew the voice but before I even turned Mbilahelo said,
“Mma where have you been you just disappeared!”
It was his mother. As I turned around she hugged me tightly and said,
“Thank you, thank you my child you really are one of the good ones!”
She said with so much gusto!
If only she knew. Mbilahelo had not told her about the letter clearly and if he did I know where this would go.
“I am really sorry for all this and I will help where ever you need me!”
I told her. Mbilahelo did not say anything because he did not want his mother to see he was crying perhaps I don’t know.
“You will make a beautiful makoti you know that!”
She said with a smile through her tears. I needed to get out of her though I could not stick around. Yes I was running away but with good reason.
“There is the doctor!”
Mbilahelo suddenly said preventing an awkward moment amongst us.
“I have been looking for you! We have hit a problem, your son needs blood and the blood type needs we used what we had on him and it is finished. We have sent an urgent request to the blood bank and other hospitals but they don’t have it!”
“I can give him mine!”
“I pray that you can because he is O Negative and its rare enough as it is! Do you know by chance what blood type you are since you are a cop and cops are screened?”
He asked him. Immediately Mbilahelo took out his medical aid card and his blood type was on it.
He said with hope.
“That won’t work!”
The doctor said in despair.
“But I am an O isn’t that what’s important?”
Mbilahelo asked him.
“A reaction will occur if the blood does not match. If this happens your system will attack the transfused red blood cells and you will most certainly die!”
“You said if!”
“You said ‘if this happens’ meaning there is a possibility it will work!”
But I cut him off there,
“Mbilahelo calm down it won’t work. The risk is way too great for him to even try it and he would get into trouble for it…”
I wanted to continue,
“So what’s your solution then? I didn’t ask you for your opinion I am trying to save my brother here!”
He shouted in protestation to me.
“Mbilahelo that is not the way you speak to a woman! How dare you do that in front of me?”
His mother intervened angrily. For a moment there I thought she would slap him. I guess some women want to raise kings after all.
“It’s ok Mma! I think I can help!”
I told her.
“How so because we are running out of time?”
The doctor said,
“I am O negative! I did bloods recently so I can call my doctor and ask her to forward them to you but that’s if she is at work. I am certain though that I am O Negative and I don’t have any diseases!”
I told them which was true.
“Goodness this is a miracle! Can you come with me please?”
The doctor said to us,
“Sir your wife could just have saved the day!”
He said to Mbilahelo as we walked away. In my head now as I walked I was asking myself if I should tell them that I am pregnant. Usually you don’t give blood if you are pregnant but there was a life on the line I am sure I could cope.
“Did you eat this morning?”
The doctor asked me.
“Yes I did, about an hour and a half ago to be exact!”
I told him.
“Perfect then. Azwindini is so lucky that you are here! People don’t like donating blood and we always run into such problems!”
He explained. It was something I already knew but I just acted oblivious to it because I was one of those people. I never ever gave blood even though I knew mine was a rare blood group. Even my sister was O Negative. As a biochemist it’s something I knew very well.
“Its ok doctor!”
We went into a room and much as I hate needles I braved it out as they stuck it into me. Seeing my own blood gushing out like that just made me feel somehow. About 15 minutes into the process my aunt called me.
“Guess what, she just called me and said that she is going to Twasa you if the ancestors agree! I don’t know what you said to her but it worked! Thank you!”
My aunt said excitedly. I guess the small fact that I was helping to save her son whose near fatality I had caused helped.
“I am glad aunty, I am glad!”
I told her as I passed out.
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Thank you for reading all our letters over and above writing us such lovely work. I beg that this comes on TV Soon. I loved Zulu Girl and Confessions but YES for me really is the best of your work. It is well researched and often hits home. I relate to it.
I lost my mother last year in June. She had been sick for a long time and because I was the one who had her on medical aid I found myself with the extra hospital bills as medical aid does not cover everything. I am the last born in a family of three and have older brothers. I am female by the way. My brothers both have jobs and when I went to university it was them that paid for my final year as my scholarship lapsed. I am 30 now and I am married meaning I paid the bills with my husband. My brothers refused saying that they paid for me in university so it was on me. I had to settle a bill of r234000 alone. That created more problems for me because my husband’s family started saying that I was stealing or misusing their son’s money. The father is a principal and is hard headed and he came to confront me. My husband told him never to step foot in our house again for disrespecting not only me but our marriage. Everything is a mess now. I am not talking to my brothers and because my husband was close to his father I can see he is hurting.
I want to fix this mess that’s on my hands but I don’t know how. Please advise me so I can mend my broken family.