I have always had friends who thought they knew who the right guys were for me. I don’t know what is written on my
face or what they see in my life that makes them believe that the guys they meet are not for them but for me. What’s ironic however is that I believe I have that don’t fuck with me face yet to my friends I was the one that most likely would go on their blind dates? I don’t think I was surprised therefore that Miriam would go for a guy she knew I had only met once.
“Wait, wait… I told you I met him just today right?”
I reminded her.
“Yes you did but something about him just feels right!”
I had not told her anything about ancestors and all that but here she was choosing him. Was it a coincidence that she was here even?
“Why are you here anyway?”
I asked her.
“Your mum called me to come see me. She told me that there was something she wanted to talk about privately but I guess you guys being here means that it’s not going to happen!”
She told me and she laughed uncomfortably. I would have laughed too if I was her because this was awkward. You need to understand something, when you grow up ekasi and your neighbours are close, a person like Mam ‘Dolly or my mum to Miriam is like her mother. We are family.
“That’s weird! I wonder what she wants to tell you!”
I said obviously curious. I was not saying Miriam was a gossip but her mother was. If she told her mother the secret everyone would know within days.
“I wonder too but I have to see her regardless as am leaving for Nelspruit tomorrow!”
She said. We spoke a bit more before she went inside to see my mum in her room. I stayed and watched TV with my sister. In about 30 minutes Miriam was done with my mother.
“I have to go hey. We need to go out for lunch or something because ever since I got back you have been distant!”
She told me. I don’t see how she could have come to that conclusion considering that when she came back she did not tell me she was back.
“Yeah I will!”
I told her as we walked to the gate.
“I miss partying hey. I just want to go out and dance and get drunk but this life!”
She told me and she laughed. I was tempted to ask her where all her other men were because she always had many.
“What ever happened to that guy who paid for the bachelorette party?”
I asked her.
“You mean Jerry?”
She asked me and she smiled.
“He is around. What could ever happen to him?”
She asked me with a mischievous look on her face.
“You still seeing him?”
I asked her.
“Good dick is rare enough as it is and I know people will say because you are married don’t be tempted well they are wrong!”
She said immediately becoming defensive.
“I never said that I just asked that’s all!”
Reminded her. Miriam had never snapped at me before about her sides so I must say I was a bit surprised.
“It’s cool. We will arrange that lunch then.”
I told her when I left her at my gate as she entered hers. This is what we used to do as kids. We would hang out until late at night then I would walk her. Our parents never minded because we grew up together like this.
I went back to the house and found my sister still watching TV. I am not her, I was curious; I went to my mother’s bedroom to ask,
“What were you telling Miriam that was so secretive?”
I asked her. She is my mother so I guess I deserved to know.
“Uthandi zinto! You will find out in good time but for now let it go.”
She said and chuckled.
“You remind me of your aunt. She was just as inquisitive as you. One day your grandmother had a guest and they were talking in the bedroom. When the guest left my sister went to ask my mother what they had been talking about…”
She said and she started laughing.
“Ah mum what’s funny now?”
I asked her.
“What happened next is what was funny? My mother closed the door behind her in the bedroom and belted my sister. Imagine how she had not seen that one coming!”
It was a disturbing story I must say but my mother found it so funny she laughed until she had tears in her eyes. I honestly cannot remember the last time my mother had laughed like this. I left her room shaking my head and went to my sister,
“You won’t believe what mum just did; she shared some well, happy memory of aunty!”
I told her. Well it was not exactly a ‘happy’ memory but reality in our family was my mother never ever spoke of my aunt. This was one of those few times were either she had let down her guard or she was simply and genuinely just happy. It was a priceless moment.
“Yeah she has been talking about her a lot lately and even yesterday she showed me some pictures of them when they were young!”
My sister told me and again that took me by surprise.
“I am just glad that she is starting to let go of all that bitterness she has carried around for years. It’s what makes her sick I promise you! How do you go around angry all the time?”
She asked and we laughed at that thought. I had to go home though. I had wanted to cook earlier but going home made sense now. I wanted to rest. My day had been long in any case.
“Mum I am going!”
I told her standing by the door.
“Ah come on, you should sleep over. There is no reason why you should go Lungi!”
My mother reasoned with me. I was tempted to stay but something told me to go home.
“I will do that tomorrow when I have clothes here.”
I reassured her. I obviously did not mean it but it made her smile. My sister walked me so she could close the gate behind me.
“Sis, don’t worry about what’s going on with him. Please don’t call him. You cannot be disrespected like that by little prostitutes!”
I reminded my sister. I was worried that as soon as I left she would call her ex. That loser deserved nothing from her.
“I am going to bring Nthabiseng over tomorrow also so that you can start protecting yourself …”
I said cautiously because I knew what would happen next and I was right too.
“I don’t want a divorce!”
My sister said defensively. We call men who refuse to accept when we break up with them bullies and abusive but how many women do you know who when dumped refuse to go anywhere. When it’s a woman we say she fought for love when it’s a man it’s something else often very negative.
“I know you don’t sis but we have to protect you nonetheless!”
I told her as I was about to drive away.
“What if he sees me getting a lawyer as a sign that I want one? It’s too risky!”
She explained to me nervously. This man had managed to turn a once strong woman into a mere shell of herself. This just made me resent him even more.
“We shall see tomorrow!”
I told her and I drove away. What she was going through hurt me so much so that I questioned my sanity as to whether wanting a man was a good idea. My car phone rang, talk about timing.
“Ola number one tsotsi!”
A cheerful voice said on the other side. It can only be one person.
“No one says ola any more Sfiso and tsotsi ke mang?”
I asked him and we laughed.
“Tsotsi ke wena! You go around busy stealing people’s hearts! You are like a Gupta, daylight robbery yet you still want my sympathy!”
He said and I burst out laughing.
“Dude you are insane! How do you come up with such things? Do you like sit down and write jokes down?”
I asked him laughing my head off.
“Nope I do not. Listen, I am staying at this apartment and today I decided to cook. I am sending you the location because I need someone to taste the salt hint hint…”
“To taste the salt? What happened to your own tongue?”
I asked him laughing.
“Don’t you know that when men taste salt during cooking they never come out right? They end up straightening their hair and wanting to be called Queen!”
He said and we both laughed. I totally got the pun of what he was saying!
“Hey wena leave Somgaga alone he is a queen!”
I said and we laughed. At the SAMA awards Somizi had been introduced as queen and it had trended. The salt thing was a pun for sex…
“Have you really cooked though because I am starving?”
I asked him.
“Yes I have. Hang up and open the location so you can come?”
He told me. I did so and I put in the location. I called him back.
“9 West Apartments? That’s the one behind Nedbank right in Rivonia?”
I asked him.
“Yes it’s the one goodness girl how do you know such places! You do know that here and no offence you will be the oldest lady here!”
He said confirming and laughing at the same time. He was not wrong either. All those blessers and rich foreign men they talk about, all those instalebs you find with hot pictures on social media, this is where they are taken to pay back the money they enjoyed.
“Yeah I know which is rather odd you chose to stay there sies!”
I said and we laughed. Its flats that come fully furnished. I got there and he told me what room to come to.
“Welcome to my temporary abode!”
He said to me and I gave him a hug. He was not kidding, he really had cooked and the food smelled nice!
“You ordered take out didn’t you?”
I teased him as I took off my coat.
“Nope I did not hey but I called Mr. Delivery and I asked them to bring drinks and condoms! The drinks they agreed the condoms they did not!”
He said and I laughed but he did not laugh.
“I am for real. Why call yourself Mr. Delivery if you can’t even deliver basics like condoms especially at night when you know that your clientele are most likely going to get some!”
He said and we laughed. This man was crazy and before I could respond he kissed me, hard, on the lips…
I took of my own clothes!
Ancestors watch me get fucked and watch me get multiple orgasms pshhhh!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto
Thank you for all the memories you have created in your books. You have a sense of humour second to none.
My story is a bit different or rather it’s the same I don’t know. I stay in a close knit neighbourhood where everyone is in everyone’s business. It can’t be avoided unfortunately. About two months ago a girl confronted me saying I was sleeping with her man. I did not even know the guy. The girl she was after shares a name with me that’s all. I explained this to her but she did not believe me and went on to make my life hell. She told everyone who would listen until it eventually reached my parents. I got in trouble at home because my mom is a pastor and does not take nonsense. She even slapped me for it. The girl eventually found out that it was not me sleeping with her man after she caught him in bed with the other girl. She did not apologize to me but instead changed the story and said I had sent that girl to get her man and trying to save face in front of my mum. I am tired of playing victim! My aunt (mother’s sister) told me that if this girl is going around saying I took her man then vele I must go take him so she can have something to fight about. At first I was against the idea but this is girl is beyond.
Should I do it?