It’s very rare that anyone would celebrate being dumped. It’s not a nice feeling especially when you are into the person. It makes you feel like you are such a failure for someone to give you such a big rejection and vote of no confidence. A lot of people love telling each other that if someone dumps you then it’s their loss and not yours. Well they are wrong. The rejection was entirely given to you and not the other way round. If someone punches you and you break a teeth do you say that that it was his loss for breaking your teeth or is the damage done to you because now you look like you own Orlando Pirates? Nope! I didn’t think so! The scar is left with you and in you.
“Had he really dumped me?”
I asked myself. It had to be some kind of joke but I can’t remember Sam ever being a funny guy. He did not crack jokes! It was not his style! Panic station! He had never ever said anything that deep to me and I won’t even exaggerate when I say this, I didn’t even know he could swear you don’t expect old people to know how to that’s all. I was panicking. I was not about to lose my meal ticket no matter who says what. Everyone is looking for a blesser and here I was losing mine, how does that make sense to anyone.
“Baby what’s wrong? You have that distant face again, what’s on your mind?”
Neo asked when he walked back in. I didn’t realize that I had a look on my face.
“It’s nothing. How long was that shower? You basically just dipped you foot into it and walked back out!”
I told him.
“I know, I figured that we should come in together to make it more special!”
I was not in the mood anymore. Did Sam mean it that we were through? That can’t be. Dear God no! I hadn’t even gone to Dubai yet and even though I had the tickets I did not have the money for anything else.
“Baby did you hear me?”
Neo asked me expectantly. Come on guys not now! I didn’t need this right now. I did not know what to think or do. Maybe I should tell Neo that I wanted to go home so I could make a plan to see him tomorrow! I could not necessarily ignore him for two days unless my phone was completely off. That would be my only option. This was a disaster! Talk about timing though!
“Yes love! I heard you! I am coming!”
I told him with a fake smile. I have always maintained that I don’t have feelings for Sam but now that I was losing him it suddenly felt so important that he could go. How had I convinced myself for long that I could walk away from him anytime I wanted?
“Well come! We are not wasting water!”
He said. He was such a cheese boy! I went to join him in the bathroom!
“Please wash my back!”
He said he closed the door behind us. What is it with us though? We were in a hotel room just the two of us and still we closed the door! That’s a black thing to do I suppose.
“Really? I haven’t even entered the shower and you want me to wash your back?”
I said laughing as I took off my clothes.
“Yes! What’s the point of showering together then if you can’t help me reach the parts I can’t reach on myself?”
He asked me laughing too. The only thing missing here was a bathing stone. He was being romantic I know but my mind was faraway.
“Baby I am not feeling well…”
I told Neo as we stood there in the shower.
“What’s wrong? You were fine a few minutes ago!”
He asked worried.
“I know. What’s happening to me? I need to sit down. Please get me water to drink!”
I asked him. What an ironic question asking for water when you are in the shower. He was genuinely worried as he wrapped me around in a towel and went and sat me down by the bath tub. The room had a small fridge so there was ice and we had brought bottled water ourselves, He gave it to me to drink as he hovered over me.
“Do you have any medication you came with?’
He asked me.
“Yes I do but I don’t want to take it now because I was drinking earlier remember. I will be fine though don’t worry!”
I said with a weak smile on my face. I was not really sick; I just did not want to have sex right now. My mind was not in the right place and it would be cruel to have sex with him when my mind was thinking of Sam. That’s when you end up calling the wrong name.
“Oh yes the wine! I forgot about that!”
“Let me help you to the bed!”
He took another towel, an even bigger one as I was already in the smaller one and started drying me up. All the while he was naked because he had just jumped out of the shower. I was feeling bad at this point but Sam would not leave my mind. What was I going to do now? It’s the same thing that that happened with Neo when he broke up with me, I panicked. That was my thing!
“There you go!”
Neo said as he put me on the bed.
“Do you need anything else?”
He asked me.
“Yes. I want you to cuddle me please.”
I said with a weak smile.
“That was coming standard. Let me just brush my teeth.”
He said and he left to go to the bathroom. I put my phone under the bed because I did not want to risk him seeing it.
“I am back!”
He said and he came and lay down beside me. He put his arms around me.
“This you getting sick things scare me you know!”
He started saying.
“I don’t know what life would be life if I ever lost you. Please get better for the both of us!”
He said. He was still naked.
“I will be fine baby. I am sure it was just a passing thing!”
I told him.
“Passing thing or not, I just want my old Palesa back! Remember how happy you used to be. Small things would make you laugh and you were not always worried about something. Now you are so intense and have so many things going I think you have even forgotten what being happy is!”
He said. I did not respond because I felt what he was saying. Ever since I met Sam my life had changed. I had stopped being jovial and happy. I was not sad so that’s not the point, I just was not happy. I was more interested in keeping up appearances and looking like a lady. When you have money all of a sudden you stop acting tjatjarag and want to be a lady. That’s what I had become. I had started being careful with how I dress just so I could fit this image in my head.
“Baby are you up?”
Neo whispered seeing that ii had not answered him.
“Yes I am up! I want to make love to you…”
I said turning around.
“Uhm… But you are sick how will that work and since when do you say make love?”
He asked and I laughed
“Because if I had said I want to fuck the shit out of you with the way I am feeling I would probably pass out. I want you to be slow and gentle! I want to feel every part of you ok.”
I told him.
“Ok cool. My condoms are in my bad let me go and get them!”
I told him.
“No condoms, you heard me and no arguing!”
He was very confused. Usually I was the one who came up with condoms. I even carried them for him. Once or twice he had tried not wearing them but he had not gotten any because of that. In my logic, since I was sleeping with the other guy and he was forced to wear condoms, my man should have all of me. It’s what most girls who cheat do right, there are some things they will only do with their man whilst the side guy has limited things.
“Ok then. Wow I don’t know what to say?”
I put my hand on his dick and he was already hard. I think the thought of what was about to happen. I am on the pill; he knows that, it’s for my skin, so he knew I was not trying to get pregnant.
“I don’t want to hurt so I promise I will be gentle. What if you are too sick and I kill you ah? Imagine!”
He said and we laughed.
“How is that supposed to be romantic pillow talk though? How?”
I asked him
“It’s the best I could do!”
“I don’t want foreplay, I am horny already, and I just want you to go in!”
I told him. What was I doing? Thought I want it slowly but I guess I didn’t.
“Lights off please! Find me in the dark!”
I said smiling looking him in the eye. I wanted to reassure me. He was gentle as he got on top of me but as soon as he entered me the tears started coming out. I held him closely so that he could not see that I was crying.
What was wrong with me?
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Thank you for reading this letter. Hope everyone is well.
I share an office with a 27 year old lady who got married two years ago. Her husband is a policeman and I remember how she used to be so happy before the marriage. In the last six months she has changed. She is moody, defensive and visibly shaken. When I try asking her what’s going on she laughs it off like I am crazy to think something is wrong. She hardly talks about her husband anymore something which used to annoy us so much back in the day because she wouldn’t stop talking about him. If she brings him up it will be her asking for advice on how to fix something she did wrong and wants to fix it for her husband. I have not seen bruises on her but every day I look at her she looks like she is getting worse. I asked her if everything was alright at home and she snapped at me. I don’t want to cause problems for people but we always say women must support each other on this group right. How do I intervene? I fear for her.