“If you don’t love, respect and honour yourself as a woman then the men around you will also not do the same. They will wait for Mothers Day and Woman’s Day to remember your worth and that simply is selling yourself short!” Mike Maphoto
Being Young Employed and Single means a lot of different things to many people but to me first and for most it means I am independent. No one owns me, no one tells me what to do unless am getting paid to do it and above all I get to choose who I want to associate with. It’s something we take for granted as women. Most of you have been in relationships all your life and always under someone else. First it was your father who told you what to do or your brothers. You were a woman first nothing else mattered to them. You learned how to cook, clean on top of your household chores which were often less than your brothers if you think back. Then you started dating and more often than not you took direction of what to do from your boyfriend. He was the one who decided when to see you and in fact if you are honest, sex was determined by how horny he was because God forbid a girl who asked for sex would be seen as a whore. When you start working and are lucky enough to have a boyfriend you are still under him even if you earn more money than him. There is no 50\50 in relationships and anyone who tells you otherwise is completely delusional. The man almost always has more of the power and guess what, it us women who say he should.
“I guess that movie date is off then?”
I said out loud as I got into my car.
“What a loser? Who the hell is he to tell me who should come to my house?”
I found myself asking myself. If Ntheteng was not there I would have gone back and knocked on his door tell him to back the fuck off! I switched on the radio just to avoid thinking. Why is it the last person you expect to look at you that way is the one who does? My neighbour had been checking me out all this time and I never noticed. Even his own child had noticed that daddy had an eye on me. I was flattered and embarrassed at the same time. He had seen Azwindini walk out of my flat and much as it was none of his business who came and went from my place the fact that he had seen made me feel rather cheap.
I should call Rudzani.
I dialled the Cape Town office line as she did not have a phone. Our numbers reflect on the landline so guess she recognized mine.
“Hi, I was actually thinking of calling you, I got rather busy unfortunately!”
She said as soon as she picked up.
“Its ok my dear, did you receive your package safe and sound!”
I asked her.
“Yes I did so much. I managed to get him an early morning flight. I realized I could not come to Jhb after all as I still have to settle in. Here they work you hard and no one smiles!”
She said and I told her I was sorry for that.
“Rudzani in fact I am sorry for how things turned out between us. I keep thinking of it and it just makes me feel guiltier. I know you said its water under the bridge but I know I messed up!”
I said again. I don’t know what I was apologizing for anymore. The fact that I got her moved to Cape Town or the fact that I slept with her man.
“Its ok, its life things always turn out funny at times.”
She said and she hung up or the phone cut I don’t know. I found myself at a traffic light asking myself this,
“Lungi what are doing? Since when did you become this person that sleeps with just anyone?”
It was a moment of self reflection. I was not sure what had triggered this side of me because normally I kept my legs shut tight not that it had done me any good. How many women in your church have cheating husbands, coming out of divorce or are in the process of getting divorced? You don’t get rewarded for being a nun but in my case the guilt came from who I had slept with. He was a colleague’s boyfriend and you know what the worst part is, I was still horny if not more!
When I got to Cindy’s place there was no one there. I hooted and rang the bell but zero! No one answered. It was not a wasted trip though because I had tried. I tried calling them again but the phone was off. I decided to go to my mother’s house. I had not told her about my work things. This time Miriam’s mother was not at the gate and thank heavens for that too. I was not ready for her.
“Everything is sorted now!”
I explained to her when I got there. She was happy and said we should go to church to thank God but I was tired. I had barely slept in these last couple of days because of worry and so on. I had also drunk quite a bit this week probably a bottle of wine a night. I wanted to be at my place to enjoy the long weekend.
“Did I tell you about Cindy?”
I asked her. She said no and I explained the situation to her. Cindy was that friend that came for sleep over’s and treated my mother like she was her mother too. My mother was very shocked by this.
“Why do bad things happen to good people mara? See why I say you must have a child my child, the older you get the more complicated things get!”
Here we go again!
“Mom it’s not about me!”
I reminded her; a bit annoyed that again it was about me.
“But you keep refusing to see all these things happening. Ok fine, what is it about?”
She asked me.
“I don’t know how am going to reach out Cindy because what do you say to a person who has had a still born?”
I asked her. There is a very big difference in what you say to someone who has actually met her child but a still born even you don’t know what the baby could have looked like.
“I don’t know just be with her. She needs you right now!”
She advised. I could see her mind was still on how else she should torture me about when to have to a child. This normally was my cue to leave but suddenly I was feeling so exhausted. It’s like my joints just lost energy.
“Can I lie down for a minute?”
I asked her and she said go ahead but she would be leaving soon she had something to do at the mall.
“No, its fine let me just drive home and lie down there. This way I won’t be too much up and down!”
I told her.
“I know what you are doing; you are running away from us discussing you having kids but its fine, make the bad person!”
Eish my mom wa lapisha! She can exhaust you I tell you! When I left I told myself I should get home as fast as possible because now I had a headache. I realized that I had no painkillers in the house though but I could stop at the garages. In Jhb alone I am sure there are more garages than hospitals and clinics alike in the whole country. Next to my place there were two.
“I have a headache! It’s been bugging me the whole day and it’s not going away!”
I found myself telling the teller in the garage.
“O tla ba shap sister. You are also sweating maybe you should also lie down! Don’t drive like this!”
I bought Panado and Grandpa, not that I could take them both together. You not black if at one point in your life your parents didn’t make you believe that Panado cures everything. I grew up like that; even for stomach ache my mother would give us that! Yah neh!
I had a sms when I got to the car.
“I miss you!”
I didn’t have the number so I didn’t know who from. I ignored it. At this stage my muscles were sore and more than just aching. I needed rest. I just needed to get home and pass out. By the time I got to the gate I was feeling dizzy. I parked the car rather badly as it was skew and chewed a bit of my neighbours parking bay (not Ntheteng’s father). That guy never came home so he would not notice. Dragging myself to my flat was a monumental effort. Something was very wrong. I was sick! Maybe it was something I had caught but where when and how? I entered my house; I had no energy to lock the door, trudged to the couch and fell on it. I was dying.
I don’t know how long it was since I passed out there, it could have been minutes or hours when I heard someone knocking on the door.
“Lungi, its Mbuso! Came to check if we still on for that movie and Ntheteng called her babysitter imagine…”
He said shouting from the door. I wanted to shout for him to come in but that would mean standing up to go open the door for him. It all felt so far away but I did not want him walk away. I was lying on the TV remote and I could feel it because it was poking me. I heaved up a herculean effort and managed to push it to the floor and it felt on the floor.
“Lungi are you ok in there?”
He shouted. He then tried the door and for once in my Jhb life I thanked God I had forgotten to lock the door. Kids, don’t try this at home. It opened and he walked in. It was dark so he switched on the light. He saw me immediately.
“Goodness Lungi, are you drunk?”
He asked walking towards me. I was sweating profusely at this stage.
“I need you to take me to the hospital please! I am not well!”
I told him weakly not that he needed telling. In a way I did look drunk so I won’t take offense at the thought that he thought I would be that irresponsible to have been that wasted.
“Ntheteng’s babysitter is there already, it’s my niece actually. She blacks out when she sleeps so let’s go!”
He said but he sounded so far away. He lifted me so effortlessly but I felt like I was far away I was not sure what was going on.
He asked me.
“Do you have medical aid?”
I could hear him but he sounded far far away, then everything went dark.
I passed out.
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Thank you for reading this.
I am in a Thembisa Mdoda situation. I have been married for five years now and 8 months ago gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. The baby I am certain is not my husband’s as I had been cheating on him with a guy from work. She even has features resembling the other guy but my husband does not know this. I never confessed nor did we ever get caught. When I gave birth he never had cause to do a paternity test because to him I am a faithful loyal wife. The affair lasted about four months which led to the pregnancy. My husband and I had decided to put a baby on hold to build up our finances but he celebrated “our accident” as though it was planned. He loves “our” daughter to death and does not even go out after work or on weekends to just be with her. He is obsessed with her and that’s killing me. The more he shows his love for her the guiltier I feel about all this. The only other person who knows about this is my sister and she says I must never confess to him. She smiles and treats my husband like nothing happened so I know she has my back. I just get the impression however that I can’t keep a lie this big forever. What happened was wrong and I think what we doing now is even worse. I cheated I know, a lot of people cheat but to then take such a good man and play him for a fool is what’s making it hard for me. At times I don’t even want him to touch me because I feel dirty for what I did but we married so that’s how life is.
Where does my marriage go from here? He has noticed the times I am distant and what makes it worse is that he did nothing wrong. The real baby daddy I think knows the child is his but has never said anything. I have not told him either because why complicate things. I don’t talk to him unless its work stuff and he stays out of my way but at the back of my head I ask myself how long can we keep such a secret.
I messed up, you can call me names because I have earned it but what do I do from here? Do I tell my husband? Do I tell baby daddy the truth? Do I divorce him? What do I do because I am so unhappy with myself about what I did and am doing to this man!