“If you stay with a man who constantly brings you down, never encourages you, hardly ever says a good word to you or seen to want you to be better and do better then it’s not him that’s abusing you, it’s you that’s abusing you! Why do you wait until the last minute to acknowledge that you are unhappy and taken for granted? If you cry once a week in your relationship every week I am talking to you because the only person you are failing is yourself!” Mike Maphoto
I went home with mixed emotions as today was not exactly what I had hoped for. I just wanted to take a long hot bath and sleep. I don’t think I even had an appetite to eat. I just wanted peace and solace. I am not a shower person but because I felt like crying maybe the shower was a better option. I could cry myself to a slumber in there. That sounded like the better option.
My sister shouted as soon as I opened the door! Ah come on! She was still here? I just wanted to be alone at this moment none of this family bonding time. I had had a good and bad time all in one and the last thing I wanted was her here!
“Tell me everything! You didn’t come home last night! I had even cooked but you were quiet! Even your phone was off! Did you know you were sleeping over there?”
She asked running to take my handbag from me. All she wanted was a juicy story nothing more!
“Ah do we have to do this now!”
I asked her grumpily!
“Hell yeah! I am the one who said you need to go and get laid now you need to tell me all about it!”
She said so excited. It was as though she was seeing a movie star the way she was behaving.
“Can I at least shower first then you will hear the story?”
I asked her but she would hear none of it.
“Hell no! I have been waiting patiently bored out of my skull! You know I live all my fantasies through you so don’t even think I am letting you go!”
She said! My sister was something else. It’s amazing that women actually discuss sex with other women considering how many times we back stab each other. I don’t know why we want to talk about it because we know things when they go south you don’t know what these bitches will say about you. Ok I was being dramatic because this was my sister but regardless I know what happens when girls fight.
“Ok then! I will tell you!”
I told her. I started telling her all that happened but more like an overview but this sex starved person wanted details. She kept on insisting with questions like,
“How did he take off your clothes?”
“Did he lift you up?”
“Was he big down there?”
“O come on sis you not telling me everything, how long did it take him?”
“Would you do him again?”
I deliberately left out the part of the wife, the tears and the drama because I wanted her to enjoy her fantasy. It’s not like we were ever going to see him again now where we? She was so exciting and I could see that the story had turned her on because she asked to go to the bathroom and next thing I heard the shower running! Wtf! I had told her I wanted to bath but before I could shout at her there was a knock on the door!
“O come on!”
I screamed inside me! I did not want guests! This was supposed to be a quiet time! No visitors but me, a glass of wine and my bed in totally silence and tears!
“Who is it?”
I asked as I walked towards the door.
“It’s Cindy, please open!”
She said from the other side! Cindy? What was she doing here?
“Hi, what’s wrong?”
I asked my pregnant friend as I opened the door! Yes indeed what was wrong?
“I just wanted to surprise you that’s all! You always say I never do that so here I am!”
She said smiling walking past me. You know when you are the single friend, all your other married friends come to your place when they have problems. It’s because they know that there will be no man at your place to make it awkward.
“Oh well do make yourself at home!”
I told her! She heard the shower and said,
“Oh wait are you with someone?”
She closed her mouth like a naughty child who had just discovered something new!
“It’s just my sister relax!”
I told her!
“Your sister? Why is she showering here?”
She asked me getting into gossip mode immediately. People like things Aowa!
“Story for another day! Don’t worry!”
I told her. Why was she here though ah? These unannounced visits were so unnecessary though! Why can’t people just call and let their intentions known that that they are coming and not just show up because they feel like it!
“Eish I need someone to talk to face to face!”
She said. I knew something was wrong.
“What’s wrong Cindy?”
I asked her very worried now. She never came like this.
“I am panicking! I am not sure I want a baby anymore!”
She said with a sigh! Panicking when you are a month pregnant is one thing but when you are this far along she must be crazy. I wanted to have a child so badly to be honest I was not sure about doing it outside of marriage.
“Ok tell me what’s wrong!”
I asked her as I was not sure how to address this.
“I know I am supposed to be ecstatic right now but eish it’s not like that at all. The difference is that it’s easier when you are pregnant than when you have a child. When you a pregnant when you eat the baby eats, when you sleep, the baby sleeps; when you travel the baby is right there with you. When you have a baby all these things you can’t do because you have to feed, transport, wash, clothe the baby separately and the worst thing is travelling because you have pack a bag always, take diapers, food and be extra vigilant especially now that they are stealing babies! This rotten country just pains me. Everyone says the best part of it is the bonding during the breastfeeding, the way the baby will look at you when she is feeding and how you fall into the surreal moment where you ask yourself, is she mine and how on Gods good earth did you produce that!”
She explained and I wanted to just gush in admiration but I could see why she was so concerned. I had never thought of it this way. She was right in so many ways.
“But you can’t fix the things you can’t predict will happen. You can’t stop believing in the best and besides you have your man with you so what more do you need!”
I tried to remind her.
“I have him yes and he fusses over me but every considered what will happen if he loses his job, if I lose mine, if he dies, if I die! How will we raise our baby in such an expensive world?”
She explained. The grass really does look greener on the other side. I had never actually thought of seeing a pregnancy from that light. It seems as though it’s quite overwhelming and when this panic sets in it’s very hard to get out of your system.
“Come on Cindy now you are causing undue stress on the baby by all this unnecessary worrying. I might never have had a baby myself but what you are doing is not healthy for your pregnancy. You can have an early birth just because of stress! Where is Themba?”
I asked her. Themba was the father of her child.
“I think he is on his way home now. I did not tell him I was coming here. I tried to explain what I was feeling last night and he said I had nothing to worry about but I can’t help it. How many of our friends Lungi have we seen fall apart when they thought they had everything sorted out?”
She explained. This thing called communication is hard even at the best of times. I got what she was saying that she had told him what her fears were. Unfortunately the weakness in most men is their inability to listen attentively and get the point. I can see how and why he had beaten her fears down. Men have this approach on life that everything will be just fine and that’s when and how they are wrong. Women see the unforeseen that why men say we are irrational in that we can argue on something that has not happened yet.
My sister said coming out of the shower! I honestly don’t even want to think of why she was there in the first place!
“Hey! Sorry to have budged in like this!”
She said. My sister and her knew each other and had a healthy relationship. I don’t know if she had overheard our conversation but if she had to she chose to talk about other things.
“I have to go! I have vented. I just needed someone to scream to!”
She said immediately getting up. I think Cindy coming out had unnerved her but she was not ok that’s for sure. I walked her to her car.
“Things will be fine. We are all in this and your baby is my baby! You know that!”
I told her as I hugged.
“Thank you so much for being my friend!”
She said as he got into her car and drove off! I watched her car go. Is this the anxiety I will have when I fall pregnant? I could not help but wonder. It was actually scary. I had not walked into the house five minutes before there was a knock on the door!
My sister screamed jumping up to go and lock it. Here we go again. I knew who it was without even being told, it was her husband!
“Go away! I told you don’t come! I will come home when I am ready!”
She said from her side of the door.
“I am sorry baby. It’s time to come home! Please!”
He said from outside the door!
“No I don’t want to come!”
She shouted back. O come on people I have neighbors! Why were they shouting at each other from outside my door! No man!
“I am going to sleep outside this door then. I came with my sleeping bag!”
He said adamantly.
“Does he have a sleeping bag?”
I asked my sister.
“Yes he does but I don’t think he would actually bring it!”
Why would your husband have a sleeping bag? It’s not like black people go for camping! Really?
“Well he can’t use it on my door! You want the neighbors to complain and the body corporate to get me kicked out!”
I said to her as I walked past her to go open the door. This guy was not playing; he really was carrying a sleeping bag!
Maybe I should go Solange on her and beat him up on behalf of my sister!
Why the maybe?
“Why do you cheat on my sister wena?”
I asked him.
“This has nothing to do with you Lungile!”
He said annoyed at my callousness!
“O hell yeah it does! She is at my house crying because you can’t keep it in your pants!”
I told him.
He said. People think that Xhosa women are the only ones prone to violence, they are wrong, all women can respond and this guys needed to be taught a lesson which my sister would never do!
Being single and unmarried means you take a lot of self-defense classes and are fit from all that time spent in the gym.
He didn’t even see it coming because next thing he was on the floor, his balls in hands screaming like a little girl with me screaming,
“I asked you a question why do you cheat with my sister in her own house!”
At this stage my leg was half way through a kicking motion…
I am not proud of myself but these men must know that women are not toys that they can play with!
We have feelings and emotions and gym!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
I am writing this letter on the behalf of my dear friend.
Thank you in advance.
I’m a young lady of 26 with one child. I’m in an on and off relationship with an un-employed guy. I love him with all my heart but my friends and family seem to think he’s no good for me. We met 5 years ago when I was still in varsity… He was doing matric, if I’m not mistaken. Yes, he is younger than me. He is not my baby’ daddy… I kind of cheated on my baby daddy with him. #Hides… He too has a child. My friends tend to think he only wants me for my money which I happen to give to him if he is in need. With all honesty, he doesn’t seem to have any plan for the future. I have tried to support him to go back to school or look for a job but he never does. He would stay with me for months, just sleeping and eating my food! If i ask him to look for a job he would leave and only to come back after a month. He drinks every weekend with his friends.
Honestly I don’t know how many times I have broken up with him… (I have been living with him for the past 3 years) only to get back again. I don’t know why? Well… The sex is good…. Perfect if i may say. #Blushes… I have tried to find myself a boyfriend but they don’t satisfy me like he does… Which is why i always end up taking him back. I seriously don’t know what to do anymore. The guy is probably living through me…. (He asks me for money when job hunting, if his baby is sick… All the time.) I can’t seem to say no to him. What should i do????? I cant ask my friends nor family because they made it clear they don’t approve of our relationship…
Please post this on Y.E.S.