“The greatest lie women tell themselves is that a man can love her the same way she loves him. Make no mistake about it, her love is often unconditional and knows no depths whilst his almost always comes with conditions!” Mike Maphoto
When you are younger, courtship is usually the best part of any relationship. The goose bumps you get when he calls you and how nervous you get when you speak to him just make it all seem so magical. If you truly liked someone and he was hitting on you, his words felt like they were sliding off a velvet tongue and made just for you. You would find yourself dreaming and simply cannot wait for him to call and talk to you again. That’s the beauty of courtship because at that time even though you had not even seen the first brick being put in the foundation of your new relationship, you could already foresee him in your arms. Most men lie to us during this stage and they sell us fantastic dreams but even if you knew at the back of your mind that there was no way this man was this rich person or whatever, if you liked him, you definitely believed anything he said at the time. I have friends today who thought they were dating millionaires, business leaders even etc. only to find out later that those cars he was driving belonged to his brother, boss or whoever he could have spoken to, to make him look greater. Now however, as you get older and like me, I wanted a husband, when a man with silky words comes along, it’s no longer just enough because whilst words can indeed weaken your knees, we don’t have the luxury of time to end up the fool at the end of it all. No, we should be more cautious because if you are 29 and single then clearly all those men that slept with you before, all those exes, something went wrong that’s why you are in this position. That was me! I had fucked up somewhere somehow and I am willing and able to take the blame because unlike most women, I don’t have time to blame my exes for lying, cheating, stealing (yes I have had an ex steal from me imagine but that’s a story for another day) and a whole lot more! I blame me because blaming them means I don’t grow as a person but most importantly I don’t learn because that’s not taking responsibility. I was super excited yes but I was not going to play the fool.
“You have been starring into space for the last five minutes Lungi, what’s up?”
Rudzani said to me startling me out of my day dream just before I knocked off. I had not even realized this. Men can distract you I tell you. When you are falling for someone it often happens super-fast. I know there are people, who tell you,
“I didn’t even realise I liked him!”
And to those my response is always,
“Yeah … Right!”
Because how do you not know you like someone! It’s like someone saying I forgot I was on my periods but those period pains are real right?
“I met this guy Rue and eish, I think am in trouble. He is perfect, charming and funny. I am even willing to forego my no yellow bone men rule for him but there is one problem…”
I told her.
“What’s that problem?”
She prompted me. Rudzani and I often discussed men. She had steady boyfriend who worked in a mine somewhere but theirs was a weird relationship. Long distance is not for me and the rule for theirs was that they see each other once a month. She often complained about this but seemed unwilling to change her situation with him. She was completely in love with him but I got the sense that he did not feel the same. She never got calls from him, ever and it was always her calling him. I used to think he was imaginary until one day she asked me to give him directions to somewhere in JHB over the phone.
“The problem is he lives in England!”
I told her. She whistled slightly to agree that it was a concern but I wanted to laugh at her because it might as well have been her boyfriend overseas the way their relationship was structured but whose judging.
“If you like him you will make it work. If he likes you he will make it work. That’s how a long relationship works. You have to like each other for it to happen. It can’t be one sided otherwise you will go mad.”
She explained. Her advice made sense but how do you know someone truly likes you if all you get to see them is over a weekend. Surely that’s not enough time to judge them or their intentions because even I can suck it for two days just to get a warm bed and a place to sleep. That’s how I view men especially in long distance relationships. He can come to town and not have to book a hotel because you are there. He knows you are a guaranteed shag no wonder why they keep you around! Nah, I was not going to be part of that #longdistancerelationshipsmustfall!
“So you advise that I go for it?”
I asked. She did not even hesitate to respond,
“Yes, of course! Go get your man! What do you have to lose? If he cheats he is 10 000km away so why should you care?”
She asked me. It was somehow a good question but with women, even if he was on the moon and he cheated, the betrayal would feel like he was sitting right next to you with someone you were looking at! I did not want to be his scuftin definitely so maybe I should just forget about this. It was time to knock off in any case, I still had not received anything from H.R but I had already scheduled an appointment with a friend of mine who was a lawyer. She was not even a labour lawyer but I was going to ask her for advice on this one.
“I am leaving the office now!”
I told her. She was still working unfortunately so the early supper we had arranged was postponed. She instead said she will come to my place as we did not live too far apart. Lerato Boshimane and I had gone to school together but she had been my junior. She was three years younger than me and still serving her articles. Somehow we had gotten over the age difference and I actually considered her a good friend.
“You going to have to cook though, I am so hungry!”
Was what she had said before she hung up! I am not going to even lie, I hate cooking, and I know in most women’s psychology they believe you have to love it but I don’t. How many men do you know who love gardening yet if I said I hate cooking other women will crucify me for it! I hated cooking, I always did, and when I was younger it was my mother and sister who cooked for us meaning that I never got to cook. When they made me cook I would make sure it was so terrible they will never ask me again. No one wanted my food and I was fine with that because it meant they never asked me to. Unfortunately because I was not meant to cook I was permanently assigned to washing dishes. Do you have any idea how much that sucks though? Anyway, beats cooking. I will order something!
When I got to my door there was someone sitting there on what I only realized later was a suitcase! It was my sister! Okay, what now? Stacy was my mother’s favourite hence why she got the white name and back where we are from there are not that many kids with English names so she stood out. Besides, it’s not like they had named her something random, a black child from Newcastle named like that was pretty rare (considering how old we were now).
“Stacy, and then?”
I asked as I walked up to her. Something was wrong. People don’t just show up and sit outside your door because they felt like it! Nope, people show up like that when they want or need something and in her state she clearly needed something!
She said standing up from her suitcase crying!”
“What’s wrong? Has something happened to him?”
I asked her but deep down I knew! The suitcase is always a symbol of a woman saying,
“I am leaving you!”
Even if she doesn’t mean it! Sigh! Are you sure both men and women were made by God though because at times it feels like men are the devil indeed!
My sister and I were not very close. I think it was very much because of my mother. She had made my sister the perfect one and me the failure simply because I was not married.
“I found Refentse with another woman!”
She had been crying!
These men I tell you!
“Come in! Ah, I can’t believe he would do that to you and the kids!”
I said. It is what we are supposed to say at this moment. I was hurt for her but her ‘perfect’ husband was extremely outgoing and drank quite a bit. Surely no matter who you are that’s like a starter pack for a man who will eventually cheat on you as he has means and opportunity.
“I know. I thought he loved me!”
She cried. She went on to tell me about how she had suspected some woman from his work place. He worked in government and if your husband works for any Department in the government you just know that something will happen eventually. I comforted my sister as best could but she was really distraught! I made food for all of us. So much for saying I will order in. I had even forgotten about Lerato now as I had to focus on comforting my sister. The food was not bad after all; now that I lived alone I could not exactly sabotage myself. It was only security buzzed that I remembered Lerato. My sister was lying on the couch as I was getting into my onesie!
“We have a visitor for you!”
They said. It was Lerato I think as I had been waiting for her. I told them to let her in as I put on my stocking on my head. I used to wear a doek to bed but it keeps falling off so I bought stockings instead as they fasten better. With time however the blankets had caught onto them and were long overdue to be replaced.
I heard the knock!
“Stacy please let her in!”
I shouted from my bedroom. I heard her open the door and I came out of my room still pulling up the zip of my onesie.
“Dude you are so late hey I should have…”
I said walking straight into my lounge without looking up but when I looked up it was not Lerato!
I said out loud! My first instinct, reflex action even was to go for the stockings to pull it off my head but guess what, I had tied it so tightly the damn thing wouldn’t come off and instead it got caught up in my hair!
I was so embarrassed!
He said, carrying a bottle of wine and flowers!
Stacy had to go!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Good day Mike
Just wana thank u for the great work you do it’s really educating and informative! I never miss a day without reading ur books!
I need advise from fellow readers, I’ve been wanting to write for a long time but I’ve been scared of what advises I would get and hearing the truth… Truth really hurts… but I thought it really doesn’t help to be scared. And today’s insert with Nothabo and the other baby mamas got me wondering, so it’s time I face reality… so here it goes!
I’m 30 years old and my fiancé is 33. We’ve been together for 7 years now and he paid Lobola this year end of February. We’ve had tough times like any other relationship but main problem was his cheating habits that still haunt me up until today! We met in joburg 7years ago but then he had to move back to his home town to the Eastern Cape in 2014 because of family commitments that needed him to be close by and I followed a year after he moved with our 5year old son. I ended up cheating as well at the end but it just made things worse between us but I was really tired of him even though I know two wrongs don’t make a right… Especially of u know u not ready to leave the relationship! and things have not been the same ever since and it’s like I’m the one who’s been cheating on him all these years as though we should forget his sins! But ya we trying to move forward from that … That kind of woke him up from his cheating ways… And I must say he is trying to make up for all the hurt but fact that I cheated still gets in the way, and I know he will never forget! We will be starting our session in couples therapy soon as it’s hard to move forward from the hurt n pain and the mistrust from both of us! Now to the point… He has other kids with 2 different women that I’ve never met, first one he had before we met and the other while we still dating. I really want him to have a relationship with his sons… It really bothers me that he just sends money end of the month but he doesn’t build relationships with them. And I know eventually they will grow old enough to start asking where daddy is and stuff… now my worry is what if this back fires in my face? I don’t know what to expect and that really scares me but I have this urge to get him to build a relationship with them! He is a great dad to my son but I always think to myself what about his other kids??the other things that I just found out is that he chats to his baby mamas and not only about the kids … They not flirting it’s just random checkups but I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with that. It was his birthday on Tuesday and the first born’s baby mama sent a pic of my boyfriend/fiancé and a message wishing him a happy bday “from herself and his son”. I’m not sure if I want him communicating with his baby mamas at all unless it’s about the kids and I didn’t know that he keeps in contact like that with them… Am I being unreasonable to feel the way I do! And how do I get him to build a relationship with his sons without it interfering with our relationship?
Worried Sotho Girl!
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