Realities – Chapter Thirty Six

There are times when you do things without thinking and literally just hope for the best. These are the times when you are put in a corner and actually realize or figure out that you have no answers and no solutions to what’s in front of you. This is you not giving up but trying to make the best of a situation. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt me that my father could actually bring another woman to the house, girl or not and force my mother to decide. He is a cruel man yes because of his business interests but not to this point. If being low had levels then this was being low at basement levels. How could he even think this would work? My mother has always been a proud woman and I am not even kidding when I say this, she was going to kill this girl. I don’t mean this figuratively I mean it for real. This was beyond being a woman scorned. There is a song by some Zimbabwean guy, Oliver Mtukudzi called “Handiende” which is of a woman telling her husband who is about to throw her out and replace her with someone else that she is not leaving no matter what! She did not build this house to be thrown out of it like a stray dog in your kitchen. She had raised us all in that home and it was her home! Hell would freeze over and snow first before she would be thrown out and worse be disrespected by a child. She will kill her and won’t even bother using poison! I had to go home but first please my father!

“Ok what do you suggest?”

He asked when I hesitated to speak first. I had to. I was not sure what to say like I said.

“Firstly papa you can’t divorce mum no matter what. You cannot replace your wife of so many years with a child younger than your marriage!”

I warned him!

“Did you call to lecture me?”

He said calmly. He was not even angry the bastard.

“No. If I am to help you we must establish boundaries first. I cannot possibly help you to divorce my own mother!”

I told him.

“Ok fine what’s on your mind!”?

“I am coming home tomorrow or the day after. Let me meet her first before you introduce mom to her. It’s not about me approving her but about seeing how best to ease mom into it!”

I told him. My father is usually a stubborn man but the way he is so readily agreed to it showed that he must have been looking for a solution for a long time. He needed this to happen badly meaning he really liked her. This was worse than I thought.

“On your side please turn back your dog’s otherwise you are putting us all in danger!”

I begged him. He said he had already called them back off earlier when we spoke but warned that it did not mean I should not keep my side of the bargain. I did not push because I really wanted to see who was this girl that had brought one of the biggest taxi bosses to his knees literally and figuratively. Men should never ever underestimate the power of a pussy! Oops! Did I say that out loud?

“When you come bring my grandchild with? Take her out of that God awful place please!”

He said and he hung up. I was going to see my daughter. Yes she had been bad but suddenly I missed her. I wanted to see her so badly.

“Sizwe, let’s go see Lintle!”

I said picking up my car keys.

“I think it’s too soon! She needs to learn a thing or two! If we do it now we will break the cycle so we cant!”

I was not listening. I was going to see my daughter! I walked out with him calling my name and I went to the car.

“What is wrong with you? Do you really always have to question my judgment?”

He said standing at the door!

“Then please come with me! I am a mother to one child and I want to see my daughter. That’s all I am asking. You can’t deny me that! I am trying to work with you hear but you not willing to move an inch!”

I pleaded with him. He hesitated and said he was going to drive. When you push that big head through that tiny hole you will fully understand why I would like to see my daughter. I really missed her, bad attitude and all.

The place was not too far but Jhb and it’s traffic means that a thirty minute trip is two hours. When we got there we asked for permission to see her. At first the attendant said no but some lady walked in and said after her stunt this is what she needed. She needed a reason to miss home and we were it. They called her to the office without telling her who was here. It was a good thing and what I wanted too.

When she walked and saw me she broke into tears and started crying. She ran to me and hugged me as well as her father.

“Please can I go home with you? I miss my bed and my friends! I miss everything about home! Please!”

She begged when she saw us. My heart broke. I was seeing my baby for the first time in days. I tried to keep a stern face when I asked her,

“But you having so much fun. You even lost your virginity that must have been nice!”

I said. Her father stood up immediately and said,

“What did you say?”

He said angrily. Immediately she said,

“No mum that was a joke. Nothing happened with anyone! I can even get tested! I am not that stupid!”

She defended herself standing as far away as possible from Sizwe because she was expecting a beat down.

“I wanted to piss you off that’s why I said all these things. I don’t think I should come home now. It’s too soon!”

She said all by herself. Now that was odd! What had made her change her mind? It was the weirdest thing. Was she having fun here? We had not brought here hear to be on a holiday. I told her about the pending trip to see my mother she told me to drive safe. That’s fair. I guess. When I left I was now ready to accept that she needed to be here.

“You were right sending her here.”

I told my husband. He often said I never ever accepted when I was wrong. Well today I was.

“Well I have bad news for you. She is only here for a few days. The judge was doing me a favour remember!”

My heart actually sank when I heard that. What kind of mother was I that did not want her own mother home? Eish! No she needed to be here I could not deal with her. I asked my husband to come to the Free State with me but he refused. He said he was tired of being insulted by my father. It was something I was glad of. I told him it was for the best that he stayed. It’s something I needed to do alone in any case.

When I got to my house there was a woman standing outside. By the looks of it she had just arrived and she looked furious. When I looked at her face she looked furious. I saw my husbands face turn to ash.

“Who is that?”

I asked concerned now!

“That is Nelisa’s mother he said!”

And all I said was,


*****The End******



Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)


Dear Mike

Hey Mike and the readers. I can accept every type of criticism I’m a big girl.

*Sorry for the long essay, it’s probably longer then the chapter*

I’m a 21 year old… I feel my life crumbled from the day I was born as my mother was young and wasn’t ready for me as she was still on about the party life, boys and booze.  I don’t know about drugs but apparently you couldn’t put it past her. I was conceived from a one night stand luckily she knew who the daddy was n of course my dad waited till I popped out to know if I was really his but he never was part of my life. Apparently my mother loved me but I don’t really think so. I’m  raised by my grandparents which were really strict and firm on me cause I am my ‘mother’s daughter’.  So pretty much I felt like I reminded them of my mother n all the things she did and when I would show a tiny bit of rebelling I feel they would tell me stories of my mother that were all bad to hurt me. So the relationship between my gran and I was pretty sour.

Well in high school I really rebelled, would skip school to go drink with friends and some guys obviously as I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers or parties.  I would get caught and the school would call my gran, at this point she was tired of beating me up but would always bring up my mother n her stories but funny thing is even if I would disappoint her she never told my grandpa about my shinanagens cause he would definitely kill me. My grandpa is hardcore and doesn’t take no nonsense and believes in a proper whipping to fix a child, when he is drunk he can really hurt you. Mind you when I was much younger my gran would hit me first and my grandpa would take over after and he wouldn’t care what he uses to beat me but if he finds something he uses in most cases it was a broomstick. See why I say whenever I did something I’d feel like I’m being punished for what my mother did.

My mother was killed by her lover. She was a victim of a possessive lover. Well that’s another story. I would steal, runaway from home, skip school, skip classes and have sex. In all of this I was even surprised each year how I would pass my grades. My whole childhood and my teens was just the hardest years and I was making it even hard for myself and I felt my gran made things even harder cause I wasn’t allowed to even go next door to play with other kids.

Sex comes with consequences,  I had two pregnancies in high school which both resulted in me having an abortion. Each pregnancy was a year apart and with a different boy. Both were just happy with the decision of abortion as we were young and scared. I would rather kill myself then tell my ‘parents’ that I am pregnant. I was shit scared! Especially cause at home they are very religious and sex before marriage is a sin a huge one and abortion is the worst. Surprisingly my gran every pregnancy I’ve had, would always ask me if I am pregnant and I would take it as an insult infront of her but in my head I knew she was right and I would tell myself damn this women knows me too well. She was always spot on though. I started having sex in grade 9, I decided to just do it. I know immaturity!! I thought I was ready and old enough. A guy from church broke my virginity. After he took my virginity he would tell people how much a slut I was. That didn’t bug me much and so I moved on with my life. I’m actually surprised till today why it didn’t get to me as he took my virginity and never called again. And so I just started sleeping around then I’d date someone, and we qould casually have sex. I knew sex was between married people, therefore for me I never associated sex and love together. It’s just sex.

I’ve been told I’m very attractive, beautiful,  amazing body with curves and I look pretty innocent. Alot of guys from church want to marry me and I always turn them down coz ngabe ngidlala ngeskhathi sabo.  Mike I feel like since I’ve had abortions and I can have more than just one sexual partner that I am such a bad person. Well I don’t know what the readers might think. Like I can have sex with two different guys on the same day. I can gace sex with a guy and never speak to them again. This is sad coz im with someone that truly loves me. I’m great with hiding this bad side, sometimes I feel I’m just living a double life. I always attract the sweetest guys but I eventually get bored then I cheat, I’m always cheating. I just wish that I can commit but it’s seems impossible.

I’m currently dating this guy for 5 years now n we are on and off. I’m 21 and he is 30. I even introduced him to my gran and she loves him. She forever tells me if we break up it would be my fault. I am not the lovey dovey type of girl, i dont care what you get up to as long as you give me my time when i want it and you keep me happy by spoiling me. Our sex life is just bad from his part, he can never satisfy me nor keep his manhood up for the duration of the first round so I then seek pleasure somewhere else. He says I am the one and wants to marry me one day. I feel like if I marry him I will cheat on him as I am already cheating on him throughout the relationship. I love him but at times when I think about our sexual life the love is overcome with anger.

Had 2 other pregnancies in Varsity and also resulted in abortion. I just couldn’t have a baby with someone I didn’t  love. And both the fathers were assholes and wanted nothing to do with me as soon as I told them I’m pregnant. Like how my gran was spot on about my pregnancies she was spot on about my last abortion,  she asked me if I had an abortion. My head is pretty messed up now as I lost my mother and never felt that love and all these back door abortions I’ve had and the pain I would go through. I cry everytime now when I think about my babies and especially my mom. I feel I can’t love anyone as I don’t even think I love myself. Yes I feel beautiful and I like looking good. But I am not complete and will never will. If I told any guy that loves me about this side of me or my abortions I doubt anyone would love me. My parents would probably disown me.

I’m doing my last year of varsity, I’m pretty smart and even study through a bursary. My ‘parents’ are happy that I’ve straightened my life and I know what I want in life now. I put on a act of a changed good girl, I live a double life. I’m that type of girl a Zulu guy would be proud of to introduce to his family. I just hate this person that I am.

I pray at times but sometimes I stop myself coz I think what if with all that I’ve done and doing nje God has turned his back on me. How far can I sin against him till he washes his hands off me. I feel that God can never bless me with wonderful things in my life with the way I’ve sinned. It feels so wrong in the way I’ve been deceiving people I wish I could come clean but I don’t have the courage too. I want to stop stringing the poor guy along. Maybe I need to find someone who I can share all this with and won’t use the abortions against me and would understand how naive I was. But I doubt there are guys out there that would just get over 4 abortions.

Messed Up

55 thoughts on “Realities – Chapter Thirty Six

  1. Thanks Mike for a great chapter.

    As for Q&A I’m unable to can to comprehend all you have gone through. Maybe someone qualified will be able to offer an accurate psychoanalysis of where all this stems from and your role in perpetuating it further

  2. @messed up. Wow,you’ve had a hectic life. But God renews and restores everyone no matter what you’ve done.

    What’s nelissa’s mother doing there?

  3. I knw a girl who did 7 abortions… also very smart… we met in uj. I never thought she will be able to concieve again… but she finished school.. nd met a great guy… she fell in love and now is married. Ppl have done worse so dnt b too hard on ur self… u will be fine. The guy doesnt knw about the abortions tho… some secrets u keep them till the end…

  4. Dear Messed Up.
    You are not your mother but you’ve been behaving like her. Stop sleeping around without using condoms…having 4 abortions cannot be normal please!
    Take a time away from sex and men…and plan out your life…how you want to live. Then make a decision that will benefit you. GOODLUCK!

  5. @messed up… u r not the only messed up one… Im gay nd im hot… ive had sex so many times ive lost count at 100. And im only 23. Married men in my neigbourhood want me nd some of them ive had sex with their sons. If u think ur storry is messed up then u knw nothing bout mine. So dont beat urself up. Im in counselling now nd to tell u the truth everyone has a story. U will get love one day…

  6. You know its annoying if you abort then feel guilty. Get over it, go for counseling. Get over it again. I’ve done it, and it was for the best at the time, I was a student, I’ve been on birth control ever since, I become paranoid everytime I think the condom slipped out or broke. Point is get on contraceptives and sti’s are what we aren’t worried about as I figured everyone is scared of being pregnant. So get yourself together and stop whining, marry and cheat just don’t get caught, everyone is doing it, married or not we cheat..

  7. eish girl uv been through a lot in your life and you seriously do need someone to talk to. varsities usually have a psychologist you can consult. changing all starts with a conscious decision you make and act on.whether you pray or not God has already seen and knows all that you did and went through and he is eagerly waiting for you to call on him and pour out your heart to him,tell him how you feel and how remorseful you are,ask him to redeem you and restore your soul. sin is sin, whether you steal sugar or you have an abortion its sin and is the same to God,but no amount of sin is too great for God to forgive,He is a loving and forgiving Father and His grace and mercy is abundant for all His children. as for all you have gone through ‘all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called for His purpose’ whether good or bad. you will get through this if you really want to and you will become a great person, a very strong woman. I wish you were around where i am, I have a lot to tell you but i can’t type everything here. mike please give her my email address or you can give me urz nana. acknowledging there’s a problem is the first step to getting out of it and therez nothing you can do for someone like that. I would really love to help you through this.

  8. I think you should tell the guy you currently dating that you need some time off to think thru about life cause that what you need self actualization and self love first before you could love someone else ,your granny lived her life and now it’s your time to live yours so if you would be making a mistake with this guy let it be your mistake and it shouldn’t bother her since you know what exactly you planning to do with your life.

  9. Messed up my honey I think what you need to do is see a therapist. You can’t be living in misery like this. You’re only 21 forgive yourself for your past and just be the best you. You’re smart and beautiful and deserve a far happier ending than your setting yourself for. Forgive yourself.

  10. dear messed up

    you just need to pray, and tell God of all your since and ask for forgiveness, He is your Father and He will forgive you, you just need to also forgive yourself as well, when you have fully forgiven yourself you will move on from this

  11. Am I am reading these comments right? This girl has had four abortions and you all acting like it’s bad but ok. Really. When will we give the correct advice. She is an irresponsible little child who you are cuddling. Ask her how many men she slept with? Have you not watched intersections. No dont blame your mother blame yourself because she is not opening those legs for you. You say you are smart but all I hear is a selfish COCK hungry girl who acts like we live in a world without consequence or condoms. You need to fuck en grow up. Go find a flat with Tikiline and open a brothel next to a clinic for all the STIs you are bound to spread.

  12. Zuma though what’s the point of dwelling on what can’t be changed?? Kwenzekile fondin now we must just find a way forward which is getting this girl help to prevent her from spreading anything. Judging her isn’t going help anything. Ewe her mother isn’t to blame but would you have rather she had 4 kids to pass all this misery on to?? jus

  13. Tjo Zama. You are harsh. QnA we have all done things we are not proud of. But why did you never use protection? You claim to love a man but you are putting him in danger everytime you cheat? I understand your sexual urges and frustration but I just don’t understand why you didn’t use protection. 4 abortions? Sisi you are old enough to know how to protect yourself. A lot of your pain and anger could have been prevented by using protection. I agree with you. You need to break up with your man because until you work on yourself you have no business being with anyone else. You are clearly self distructive and you need help

  14. @Messed up you remind me of myself

    you need to understand that you are not your mother so stop punishing youself for her sins and stop using her sins as an excuse to misbehave.
    5349C72C that’s my BBM pin if you interested……you and i can have a nice little chat

  15. Dear messed up….you have definitely been through a lot and having a strict family is really hard to deal with believe me I know….of all that you said one thing really caught my attention….God will Never foresake you please don’t ever feel unworthy of Gods love it is always surrounding you and shielding you.continue to pray read the bible and let it be your comfort, talk to God about all the things you have done and been through and ask for his forgiveness and he will not turn you away, pray for his help to help you stop your ways to lead a better healthier life……i hope all goes well for you ❤

  16. Nelisa’s dramatic mother vs Dramatic Nothabo…….

    @messed up……You messed up a lot but it doesn’t mean you cannot be repaired but you must decide if you want to be repaired. Your mothers sins may fall on you but you don’t have to allow them, plenty of people have been dealt with a hard deck of cards but they don’t allow their situations to be their down fall, at the end of the day its all about the choices YOU make sisi!

  17. Dear messed up, honey let me start off by saying abortion is legal in our country and is available for free in government hospitals and clinics, so this helps young girls like you from not going to these back door abortion places as they are dangerous. sisi everyone has a story no one is perfect we all make mistakes as we grow and therefore you should not feel that God has washed his hands off you, HE is here and he is just waiting for you to let Him help you with your issues remember He said He will not leave nor forsake you ever! you do need some sort of counseling also you need to let this man you are in a ”relationship” with go, he does not deserve to be inlove with someone who does not love him back , set him free and take some time to find yourself through Christ and trust me you will know exactly which direction you ought to take in your life. I hope that one day you will stop and realize that you are special and you do not need sex with strange men to make you feel better about yourself.

  18. me personally I agree with zuma on most things except the brothel part, this girl is just messed up to the core I dnt feel sympathy towards this girl as that would be like condoning her behaviour, if she claims to be so smart then she should know that there’s contraceptives if condoms dnt do it for u, I hope this double life comes back to bite u one day and when it does u’ll know that karma is a b***h

  19. Messed up why didn’t you go for contraceptives the first time you got pregnant, i really don’t get it. it always amazes me when people keep on doing the very wrong thing and expect us to feel sorry for them when there’s ways they can avoid it… ay suka… you not a bad person you just need to get your act together we all make mistakes. i hope there won’t be abortion number 5. sort yourself out.

  20. messed up girl, for you to write a letter like this shows that you need a help. people will give their different opinion on this issue but the main point is you can go and see a specialist. opening up is a big step for you. you did abortion many of them yes you could have avoided that by using protection and family planning but is not too late for you to change your behavior you can try and be honest with your boyfriend then you can have a piece of mind. other thing is stop cheating on him leave him or help him to improve his sex you know what you want from him sexually why don’t you tell him?

  21. Dear Messed up

    You really need a friend and I want to be a friend to you as you deal with all of this here’s my bbm pin 515ECB82. I’m hoping to hear from you soon *BIG HUG*

  22. Zuma
    I dont know if it’s ignorance or you’re just an idiot. Any knowledgeable person would know and understand that a person is shaped by many factors- yes, a person’s character is moulded by genetic as well as surrounding factors. Her mother could have had demons, hence her absolute rebellion, that unfortunately filtered down to her daughter. Although transparency is vital when it comes to children, it’s unfair to use someone else’s mistakes to reprimand a child. Learn to educate your opinion!
    I feel like the way you were told and your mother’s past was enforced upton you, made it seem as though you were born with her history. Your grandparents obviously love you, but they come from a different generation- one that doesn’t understand how significantly such a tragedy can affect on psychologically or emotionally. I’m CTA ( Accounting postgrad’) student, so I wouldn’t know the crux of it all; but a person’s rebellion, sexually or otherwise, is usually indicative of a deeper yearning and underlying issue. You need to get to the core issue, deal with your mother’s past and understand that it’s hers and has nothing to do with you- people around you must also know that it doesn’t define you. We are not our parents, our or their mistakes either! I find it disturbing that you started dating this man, who was 25 at the time while you were only 16. Yes, you might’ve been discouraged to date guys your age when that boy who broke your virginity went on to be a b*tch about it; but you were too young to date someone in their 20s- that’s just me on that take. Stay clear of any male, even your ‘man’ to work on yourself. Take your time to properly work through your issues in order to love yourself. Also, forgive yourself for the past. I’ve had friends who had abortions, one in our matric year (2011) and the other this year- they could only move on from those after they forgave themselves- so you don’t need to apologise to anyone for having had those abortions, it’s your body and you made decisions that you thought were right at the time. You’re not obliged to disclose that to anyone as well!
    You need to start taking your life seriously- distance yourself from your addictions- sex and men, deal with your emotional turmoil, go get tested for STIs. Forgive yourself and your mother.

  23. Q-A i dont know know but im crying…. but what i know God never turns his back on us… he waits for you patiently and i believe he has been waiting for you to come clean…. now that you have all he says is “i know your pain, i know your struggles, i knew your path while you were in your mothers womb. i knew this day would come. i have already forgiven you for my own son died on the coss for sin. in all that you have done , lessons were leraned, a woman was groomed reach out to me and i will carry you through.

    i am not going to call you bitch and hoe and the lkes cause it seems you acctually hide your pain behind sex, you have shielded your anger so much that it made it seem like sex was nothing and a baby was just another mistake. i am not going to start on abortion as whether you like it or not God was with you and gave you a chance over and over again to straigten your life out to get too this point. it is just painfull what you had to experiance in our to learn from this ordeal.

    But know it is finished as you say. if you are serious then yes you can start again, see God has already wiped our slaits clean way before we even sin.

    you need to be single and free from sexuall contact. you need to listen to that innocent lillte girl crying out to you for help. you need to start appreciating yourself. learning who you are. forgiving your Mother, you held on to that anger so much… My love . I pray for you. Anger makes a person do things that they are not rearly aware off.

    Forgive them all as your Father in heaven has forgiven you. that is the only way to break the chain between you , your mom and Gran. you have achieved the first step because you accepted. Acceptance was your key … now follow through, you are on the right journey. be honest with your partner and please go to your nearest clinic and test for HIV. BUt you will be fine. Humble yourself. if you need a sister… contact me anytime / I wish you love and Grace and mercy.

    there is so much i can say right now to you but it will be an eassy but Please my dear its never to late and God loves you as you are… he knew you way before you were even born…. dont fall short of his Glory. we all need to go through something to know and learn his love. It is never EASY but it is worth it i assure you.

  24. Hai sana Tikiline is condoning this behaviour, I hope you don’t Stay in my neighbourhood, ppls hhubby’s r not safe. I wonder baphi o’u need Jesus’.. QnA y r u hurting yourself like this? Stop it love. See d varsity phycologist/Therapist. You need professional help. N come clean if u want to set yourself free.To ur bf n ur parents. If he can’t take it then it’s okay. But you’ll never know Until u try. Everyone has a past bt it doesn’t matter now. What matters is what u do from now.

  25. Sad how girls get judged for abortions but guys just get a smack on the hand for denying their kids.hope you find peace and healing sisi.

  26. QnA Sometimes we make a mistake of wanting to tell people our mistakes or past hoping to move on but sadly we never do cos people will always see you that advice find a way to forgive yourself, granparents and mother.find healing and start afresh.put it past you. Go to church and stop reminding yourself of the ‘bad’ things you did but the good things you are about to do.

  27. tanx again Mike and the team for your great work

    @Zuma i respect your comment but please forgive me when i say go play in traffic. Its very easy to judge a situation when its not yours.abortion is a sin but worse it is something that one never getd over the pain one goes through is beyond explanation and im nt jst talking about physical pain.i dnt think anyone wld wake up and say hey today im going to abort.@messed up sisi i know wat u arefeeling i used to be you different is i ahd two abortions i slept around cz i thought i was immune to love bt deep down i was hurting alot and with every sexual partner i had a desire to be loved and taken care of i know u may think u dont care after sleepin with them bt baby u know u do and u need to forgive yourself for all that u have been through you are not your mistakes and as@dee said there is no amount of sinning that can make God stop loving you if u ask for forgiveness from him and u are trully remorsefull he shall forgive you.pray sisi daily,and u neeed to know those babies are in a better place the fact that u aborted them means that that was their destiny painful as it may be bt God knew u before u were born he knew that one day u wld abort if he wanted to stop u he wld have.konke sisi okwenzekayo kwenzeka ngoba kusuke sekuvume 27 nw i have a man that loves me with all his heart and he knows about both my abortions and does nt judge me nor has he ever brought them up.u too will find someone that will love u once u are ready to love.and know this u dont need to even tell anyone how many abortions u had bcz God knows no one else can Forgive you beside him.i wish u the best sisi

  28. Ta Adv Cmndr Maphoto – Salute!
    Q&A: Messed up, I think U’ve been going thru a “vengeful/rebellious” phase in yo life. U need prof help clinical psychologist/ therapist etc. Yo grandparents did their best in raising U but did not allow U 2b U as U grew up. They did not guide U as an individual but wanted to makeup there errors they thot they might have made on yo mom.
    Hence U went into a mode of rebelling from whatever “reasonable” guidelines they gave U not 2turn out like yo mother. Yo mom was an absent parent & yo grandparents myb unknowingly “refused” U a chance to have yo father as an active influence in yo life. They might have had their own “reasons” (hate/disappointment etc) in both yo parents & thot they shud rather be yo “parents”.
    None of these R yo fault as U were a kid. But now as an adult, seek that prof help as U cud end up messing up yo life & all yo opportunities. Im worried bcz all this has made U not love yoself or yo life as U dont even worry about HIV/AIDS even tho UR @vasity. Talk to some1 U trust myb start with yo granmom. She deserves to know the truth myb she can also C the part she “unknowingly” played & can 4giv herself. U also need2 4giv yoself as U have started opening up 2us strangers. As UR so vulnerable, U need2 carefully select a reputable prof U go to as some ppl can even take advantage of U. Myb a woman therapist wud be the best 4U (I don’t mean 2be sexist) Gudluck – PapaG.

  29. I would like to clear out me sleeping around I always use I condom and I use protection with the guy I’m currently dating. I go testing every month. I was unfortunate that the time I didn’t use a condom was when I got pregnant even after taking the morning after pill.

  30. Dear Messed up
    Unfortunately we are not in control of what our parents do, however, we are in control of what we do.
    It’s obvious that you’re doing all this because of the motherly and fatherly love you never experienced. In every girl’s life, the love of a father, or lack thereof, determines a lot regarding that girl child’s life. You’re acting out because you’re in search of a man’s love, the one that you never got from your own father. The problem here is that you’re going about it the wrong way.
    Being at varsity introduces you to a lot of resources, it is for this reason that I feel you won’t have trouble finding a therapist. You need lost of therapy to help you come to terms with all that happened to you growing up as well as all that you’ve been doing to’re now in the right direction because you’ve admitted you have a problem and are now seeking help. I hope it doesn’t end here on this blog because the kind of help that will help lies only in the therapist’s office.
    I hope you find enough peace within yourself to help you firstly forgive your biological parents as well as yourself. Take a lesson from all this, no one is perfect and this happens to be your imperfection. There’s nothing that can’t be fixed as long as you knock on the right doors.VISIT A THERAPIST URGENTLY.

  31. @Messed up its a good thing that you see you need help. Now go get help. As for having 4 abortions wow sisi you are mentally hurting yourself because you are not dealing with your pain accordingly. I had an abortion this year and let me tell you I have never recovered from that yet. Yes it was my choice and I had my reasons but an abortion isn’t easy, and going thru four! Yoh I can’t imagine what you are going thru. First of all you need to deal with your mommy issues, you never really got over the fact that she “didn’t love you as you feel you wanted to be loved” then deal with your abortions and all that. And you need to learn to forgive yourself. God will never wash His hands off you because you are His child. Forgive yourself, He has already forgiven you. Go seek professional help, you really need it. And one more thing stop having unprotected sex, especially during your ovulation week. Good luck sisi and remember God Loves YOU

  32. Dear 21 year old. You’re my age and honey I’ll only read about stories like your. Do you really want to turn your life around cause it don’t matter what we it has to start from you. All I can say is John 10 verse 10. God will never abandon you.

  33. 21 year God loves you all the way. Im a guy and im in my thirties, i have done the worst unspeakable things. Still not perfect, but i find comfort in the Lord. You urgently need intervention. Retain your beauty, sexuality and intelligence before its too late. The good Lord is ready to restore you. In my 3decades of life i have learnt that the harshly judgemental people are often the biggest scums. In so saying i conclude by saying ‘let he/she without sin cast the first stone’


  34. Dis reminds me of the movie addiction n its true sex addiction is a problem n as for ur grandparents try not to dislike dem n feel as though dey were misteating u yazi i think dey feel dat ukuthi dey failed raising your mother n dey tried by all means to try raise u to becum a better woman but angazi im jst saying n u shud reali get help at 21 so many abortions n

  35. Thank u Mike n ur team for the great read.

    Q&A dnt refer to urself as being messed up, its true u have made mistakes in ur life however God loves sinners as broken things become useful in His hands.
    Get over the pains of the past and move forward. Forgive urself and stay healing. All the best girl

  36. @messed up
    a few months ago this was me. But a friend invited me to church and my life has changed dramatically. I now work, have a very good job and even bought a car. God can never give up on anybody. I also have an amazing man AND WE ARE TALKING MARRIAGE. find a good faith believing church, and commit to turning your life arround.

  37. Dear “Messed Up”.

    Firstly, allow me to change your name to “Grace”: God hates the sin we commit, but He loves us. His grace is sufficient for every type of sin under the sun.

    You’ve said such a mouthful that I got lost between the abortions, sex and sex partners. Don’t know if I’m shocked or hurt, or both. Nonetheless I suggest that you contact a psychologist and get help. You appear to have so many deep-rooted and layered issues ranging from abuse (which I accept, is relative) to rejection.

    We could all throw our comments (and even judgment) your way, but what you need right now, is professional help- please get you some. In the meantime, please pack away your v-jay, thats where all the problems seem to flow from.



  38. @Zuma FYI everyone was actually giving the correct advice. You on the other hand simply acted judgmental and ignorant. Excuse yourself!

    Dear Messed up, you know the beauty of life is, even through all the ugly situations you’ve been through life always provides us with a 2nd chance, and a 3rd and a 4th and so on. I personally do not believe in abortion but that’s irrelevant for me to state. However you definitely need psychology and the resurrection of God. Make your present your past and your past forgiven.
    Find your happiness.

  39. Thanks mike for the lovely read. @ QnA for starters, we will try to help out this Zuma character. Mother fu***r you need Jesus. 2 I know your type. You always hide the exact feeling by judging others. You are a same paint as her. To h**l with you.

    Hi I admire your courage, at most cases I always say people like you whom can say it, as it has been done by them have hearts of steel big up to them. You have been a foolishly matured promiscuous child who life lived their lives without any father figure and used men as an excuse of their disfunctional life style that has been dended by their own choices, which has less morals and ethics while hoping to get sympathy from others. You shall find non of these above on this earth. Word of an advice, what’s yours will always be yours even if you pour it with acid shall remain golden. Just come clean with your man if he is yours he will stay. Open up to him while gran is around so that you can have closure. Stay true to yourself then all will be Ok.

  40. Messed up
    The God we serve is not a God of mistakes. The Jesus who died for our sins, also died for yours. No sin is above Christ. Don’t feel bad about praying, continue to pray. He will not turn His back on you, if anything, He’s eagerly waiting for you, to comfort you, love you, pour mercy & grace & anoint you.

    P.S to be able to love others, you need to learn to love yourself 1st, with your flaws and mistakes.. You are not your mother n you are not your past.
    Jesus loves you

  41. Messed up girl. Your biggest problem is that you don’t love yourself. I think if you loved yourself you wouldn’t have put yourself through this much pain! FOUR abortions! The pain and all but you still don’t use protection…I mean there is a variety of contraceptives out there. I feel your pain BUT truth be told you are somehow careless and stupid. You nEed to grow up and turn your life around. You too young to be going through all this. Seek professional help before its too late. Before you get messed up beyond repair. Love yourself enough to take care of yourself. Pray to God. You need Him. Well its also a good idea that you forget about men and sex and just focus on “fixing” yourself.

  42. Heh makaNelisa funani kwaSizwe manje.

    Messed up u need counselling my dear faster than u can think of some varsities offer counseling or contact Famsa u been thru a lot and we cant blame u becoz uthando lo mzali awulazi all that rebellious was attention of longing for parental love. Also pray ask God to help u

  43. Messed up. My heart bleeds for you as obviously you were emotionally wounded from birth. A child that doesnt feel appreciated has the tendency of rebelling. I am not here to judge you im just sad for you and all that you have put ourself through. You still have a bright future ahead going forward try to take care of your life because there are deadly diseases out there you dont want to end up being peeped by your granmother. Our God is a kind forgiving God and he says we shall not judge or condemn each other so i wont, but you have to repent and pray hard to your God. Go with your grandmother to church sometimes or churches in varsity and keep busy wt things of the Lord. Your mother might have made a mistake but you are not a mistake.

  44. Sis u need full deliverance, a pastor to pray for you, then accept the lord as your saviour, no matter how bad ur sins our Might God will restore you and heal you. For you to alive is a miracle so makeup you mind and change. The lord is still blessing as u are passing and have a bursary can you imagine what he would do for you if you stopped the bad you are doing. Repent and all will be well, you are lucky you can still seek advice some don’t get the chance sebefile. Seek the lord while there is still time.

  45. Dear messed up.

    This saddens me to the core. Im crying even. As disgusting as it sounds you need help. Send me an e-mail I will call you. I’ve heard and seen worst. What I like is the fact that you know you need help.

  46. Witsie peoe say we all know loss but with you I really can’t comprehend I can’t even bring myself to imagining what you must be going through after all that. I’m just gonna pray for you I guess and you ahod pray for yourself as well God will hear the prayers. I am Christian and I’m not superstitious so I can’t tell you ve been cursed or something so ya I just believe everything happens for a reason and out stories are written by God I guess only he knows why yours have to be so sad but I believe he has great things planned for all of us.

  47. @ Messed up I know how you feel and its very traumatic so plz whatsapp me @ 0731447999 . I’d really live to have a chat nawe . I’d also like to be your friend U need 1

  48. “Don’t be afraid, even though you have done such an evil thing, do not turn away from the Lord, but serve him with all your heart ” 1 Samuel 12 :20

    Good luck with everything.

  49. Messed up Girl, I’m not supprised. Such is life, real life. I work in gynae ward & I work with what u are talking about. Abortion is legalised so stop these guilt feelings. Thats the only mistake u are making. Guilt is the worst emotion can bestow on yourself. People have done worse. Get over yourself & move on. People can only use what they know against you. Y do you feel u have to confess? To who God. Ke mo lefatsheng mo

  50. My goodness. This world is so messed up tho. You guys are even saying it’s legalized don’t feel bad. FYI abortion is not a contraceptive method.

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