Memoirs of a Tired Black Man

Memoirs – Chapter Twelve

Innovation is one thing that most marriages do not accept. By innovation I mean doing new things to either spice up or simply change the way you have been doing things with your spouse. We are both guilty her and me. When she tries a new thing even a new spice in cooking usually I force the smile to show appreciation but in all honestly I don’t really like it. Marriage programs you into following a certain routine and diverting from that routine is normally the root cause of fighting. If it is not broken then the belief is often why fix it! Unfortunately this means when you really need to change things in the bedroom it is met with suspicion and treated with contempt! I told her that there was no cheating of any kind I just felt like trying new things. I doubt that she bought it because she just rolled her eyes. She did not believe me and maybe rightfully so. Usually your partner knows you through and through and getting away with something takes great skill. Could she see that I had kissed another woman? I won’t lie the thought crossed my mind. I did not panic though! I explained to her that those were some of the thoughts I had been having. She said we would talk about it later but for now she was tired from her trip. I was so irritated! I desperately needed to get some from the wife that I loved!

We all grew up being told that listening and compromise are two of the greatest strengths we should have especially going into marriage. This is especially reserved for the man because men are known to be stubborn and unyielding. I did not want to fight with her because she had just come back from a trip away and instead of being in each other’s arms here we were trying to strangle one another. You know that thing we see in the movies how when the man comes back from far away the wife just wants to ravage him? Well, I don’t think it is true for my marriage! I had never been away from a long trip or simply work for that matter and found my wife waiting for me naked lying on the dining room table! Dinner does not get served that way in her mind. Sex was starting to have a time and place because at times when I tried to initiate in the lounge for example she would be attentive and interested at first. After a moment she would wake from whatever dream she was having and she would say, “Not here baby, let’s go to the bedroom!” I would obviously ask why and she would reply, “Who is going to clean the couches?” I curse myself to this day, why on earth did I allow her to buy those damn white couches? It is not really white more like ivory but with the way we can’t even do anything on them they might as well be white! I hated them and I often wished we would be burgled and they took those damn things away! I sound like a whine a lot? Yes I do and most men in a pub\bar or any gathering of men with alcohol, if you get them to talk about their wives my story is hardly new! Women at times can appear as though they love their fine furniture more than they love you. Even pots, my wife had taken up after her mother and had some expensive unnecessary pots even for the guests they were intended for. I was not even allowed to use yet I bought them!

I had to change the subject. I did not want the entire afternoon to be spoiled by me. Let me just celebrate the fact that she was back in one piece. What with aeroplanes disappeared from the skies nowadays I surely had a lot to be grateful for! She told me that she too had been thinking. She said it was time to get a job. She said having friends who work made her a bit envious and feel useless! It is not like I discouraged her from working in the first place! I asked her what she had in mind and she said even an office job as a receptionist as long as it meant she got out of the house! At my office I knew they were looking for receptionists but there was no way in hell I was going to allow for a situation where I ended up working with my wife! Hell no! That’s the kind of love that sucks everything out of you. Imagine, you see her at home and at work! How do you breathe? I told her I would help her look. I made no mention of the fact that we are hiring! I think only women believe that we want to be in each other’s presence as much as possible! I know men don’t! That’s fact! I wanted her to get a job there for this meant new ideas in her domesticated head!

It hit me that I must back up my story about this weekend. What if Khanya made it accidentally slip that she had slept at my house? That would not work out for me. Because I had not told my wife she was here in the first place means that I would get in trouble. I decided to send Khanyi a message!

“Please don’t tell my wife that you slept here! Please! I don’t think she will appreciate that very much! Thank you”

I smsed. You know because I was in such a rush to do it I was just relieved it went through. She was telling about her trip now a bit more cheerful. My issues forgotten. I heard the message received tone come from her voice and immediately I jumped up! I looked at the number I had sent that message! My heart stopped! You know when you wish you can literally run after a message and stop it half way! That was me…

My wife looked at her phone which was on the table as got up.

I had to do something!

****The End****

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Dear Mike

Thank you so much for the beautiful stories and chance for us to ask for advice. I am a sixteen year old sexually active girl. I have slept with my boyfriend who is turning 19 this year. We have been dating for two years but only broke my virginity this year. I am not sure he is still in love with me anymore because ever since he went to university he neglects me. He no longer tells me when he goes clubbing etc with his friends. I get to see it on fb when his friends tag him meaning he does not even post up his pictures. I see him every weekend as he stays on campus (Wits) and I feel the only reason why it’s that his because parents force him home every week. I doubt he would come home without that pressure! Please do not tell me to concentrate on my books because I have never been out of top 5 in my class. I just need advice from my older sisters on how to handle the situation as you have more experience than me. Please advise me and do not shout at me.

Thank You


This is a busy month for me! Happy Birthday Miss Vuyani Candice Mukhari. I was not going to forget you friend on this special day and I want my birthday party invitation Vuyani lol! Be blessed my friend

84 thoughts on “Memoirs – Chapter Twelve

  1. I have been reading memoirs but i cant *click* with it the way i did with Diary, am i the only one?….. but i am a woman and i want to learn about what pushes him over the edge…. but for me, nothing beats my Thandeka…. Thanks mike

  2. Nd u wonder y Mxo ddnt tell the wife abt his weekend,h ddnt do anything wrong bt now it’l look suspicious.ppl complicate their lives unnecessarily

  3. Lol and now he is in trouble just because he didn’t want to be honest abt his weekend activities lol A2Q Tina love nothing beats communication, talk to ur men and voice out ur concerns. His answers or lack thereof will put ur mind to ease and goodluck with that!


  5. Hey Tina
    Your situation is a bit similar to mine. I am now 26 & i went through the same predicament. I feel that you are both very young and that you still need/want to experience life. What happened, happened but because generally men have a low maturity level you can’t expect a 19 year old to have an emotional or sentimental attachment because you slept with him. He is doing his 1st year, he wants to explore other things.
    Maybe you should just talk to him or ask him what’s going through his mind but at that age I thought I knew what love is about but now I’m older & wiser and I can see that I was clueless. Give him the space he needs to get up to all this and voice your feelings, if there is no change , cut your losses & move on. You are still young

  6. I enjoy this book more thn eva,it gives us a quick pick of hw men see marriages..I mean honestly y date a guy 4 more thn 6yrs yet he neva says anything abt you being his wife yet ur buzy#my man this n that#Thnx mike@ Tina the guy ga buzy ka wena sesi,he found sum1 new nd his enjoying his life..wanna ur still worried abt him,study nd pass go to the same wits his in xam u will be shocked!.

  7. Thanks for the great read Mike. @Tina: babe I think u shud just leave the guy, he is in University now and enjoying and exploring his new world he is probably excited about everything including new girls. Guys are like that. Stop following him around cz u will only hurt urself and open urself up for being used. I don’t think he will dump u but what he will do is keep having sex with u as long as u offering. Just keep ur distance and if he really loves u then he’ll come after u which I seriously doubt. But none-the-less just try and focus on other things. If u can’t take it anymore just dump him and be happy elsewhere

  8. Hey Tina!
    I agree with Nono, next time he is home dont go and see him or even call him and wait to see if he will bother with you. if he doesnt then it may be the answer you are looking for. i am 27 and went thru that and my very wise mother told me. Flowers dont go chasing after the bees, if the bee really want the flower then it will make every plan imaginable to get that flower. you are still young and with youth comes mistakes and lessons, just remember to always learn the lesson and avoid repeating it again.

  9. aaaaaah mara this guy is in a situation, lol…

    A2Q:Hey Tina, once you get out of high school and enter the real world and experience the freedom ul some how understand why ur guy is acting like this now, its not cool i know baby.. He is @ a stage where he wants to try everything @ once, parties every weekend, booze (if he drinks) he sees more and more girls dressed sassy @ Uni (thats a distraction 2 hey) he is really just high on life right now. He may not be cheating but he’s life is so busy he cannot tag u along everywhere, he wont tell u hs where abouts all the time, most times u wont approve of the places he’l be @ + now he thinks hes a big guy and high school and high school people are sooooo last season to him.. im glad u dont think hes cheating, yes u miss the attention but u wont get it as much anymore and if u tell him over n over how u miss this and that ul push him away its gonna be as if ur a nag now.. I say talk to him once about how u feel and how u miss his attention and everything else u miss that u guys arent doing anymore, thn give him sometime, if he doesnt change tell him 1 last time make him aware that u feel u guys are drifting apart and u wish he had more time for u, if he doesnt change thn let him go, its not worth stressin n trippin over.Most guys that have jst left high school think theyr bosses everything is about the fun fun fun, dont be too hard on him and especially to urself too, ease up and consentrateon ur life too, hang with ur girls, what ever makes u happy or distracts u from him.. Use a condom always too, hes exposed to too much now.. Good luck boo

  10. I know that feeling my bro, u r in trouble boss. once did the same thing, was trying to send a message to my ex but ended up to my bf’s phone. Eish, don’t wanna lie, was so scared. Felt helpless and stupid. Damn bloody technology. Lucky was not lovey dovey sms. Was telling the dude to stop pursuing me as we r history. That I’ve moved on with my life. Felt so exposed.

  11. This memoirs I enjoy*but diary of a zulu girl takes spot number one..but as a young lady am learning a lot

  12. Thanks for another great chapter.
    There is a saying that goes, “advice is the thing you seek when you already know what to do”. Unfortunately at your age your too young to know what love is. The only love you have exprienced before your Boyfriend was that of your parents. Keep up the good work at school as the country needs more educated leaders like you. Enjoy being young, play sports to fill your afternoons. Most guys your age are not looking for a serious relationship,thus your boyfriend might have a new girl varsity

  13. LOL Mxo, next time check the contact before texting. I am enjoying this more and more and Missteps came back with a bang, I was not fond of it but I have converted after the chapter 7 and 8, that was good stuff.

    16 year old, he is experiencing life at tertiary level, there is nothing wrong with you, he is just loving the freedom of being in varsity. He is meeting new people and will be under different influences. If he doesn’t make time for you then you must find something else to do and not sit around waiting for him but now I am not saying date someone else, first talk to him about the status of your relationship, maybe he hasn’t noticed that he is treating you differently (its common with men). You are far too young to be worrying like a mother hen!

  14. Love the way you leave us hanging Mike!

    Thina noonoo, you are so young and you have not been exposed to the real world. At your age you should be having fun and exploring your likes and dislikes, playing sports, going to movies, sleep overs etc. Dont tie yourself down with a serious relationship you dont know what lov is and it will take many years before you even understand it. Your boyfriend is getting a taste of the real world and boy is he going to get hooked.
    Dont bother competing with his new found life – just give him space to be.
    If you guys were really meant to be together, you will find your way back to each other when you are older and wiser. You will see when you get to tertiary what your boyfriend is currently experiencing.
    Enjoy being young sweety!!

  15. I’m still waiting to see what exactly made him cheat. This book is so senseless to me, and a little predictable if I can say so, soon as he sent the text I rolled my eyes thinking ‘he’ll have sent it to his wife’ and true to my thoughts he had! Just as I knew Khanyi would be in his kitchen half naked, its almost as if Mike has watched a few tv stories and is putting them together to make his story, does that make sense? Oh well

  16. Xoxo bro Mike, Zishubil’zinto namazwi anginaewo okuthanda wena…..hayi shame, ubanjiwe mfana, and you have to run for your life, like Thandeka…Q&A you can only go where your heart is, at this present moment it with your man, till you deal with the issue at hand, you won’t be fully functional, emotional and mentally, as you clearly indicated that the commucation is starting to be one-sided, you being the communicator and him being a recipient, yet there’s a lack of dialogue in this picture, you are the only person who is having hots for the guy, and clearly your feelings are not reciprocated. But the truth of the matter is, you can’t just get up and leave the dude,If sex is good and you still have feelings for him, continue with him, till you are fully sober and ready to move forward without him. This saves you from heartbreak and going back and forth like Rihanna and Chris Brown, and also you will avoid rebounds, lakwa LOVE akunazikhokho kubusa inhliziyo

  17. Mxo is not making mention of any names…surely he’s busted but I know he’s gonna say one of his friends slept over ….that is if he’ s not gonna grab that phone or cause it to drop…& then pretend that he will be putting it 2gether …whilst in the interim he’ll be wanting to delete that sms…(men! & their shenanigans…i tell ya’).
    To think that he didn’t even get muffed!..Eish!

    Can’t wait for the next fix…i like,,,I like! Bring it on Mike…if U cant stand this Blog…take a hike! …rona ra e rata! Finish & Klaar!!!!

  18. That’s why I don’t like written things wen there is trouble to avoid another trouble.Ai MXo why ddnt u go out nxt to a pool and make a call atjheke.

  19. Eish mxo u gonna get a shout for something u ddnt evn du,1st she was suspecious bout oral sex now this?she’ll be certain in her mind tht u did cheat on her absence damn ya screwd

  20. Come on mike we are already on chapter twelve but some of us can hardly tell where all this is going, we need the juicy drama its better if u brought back confession of a sugar baby.

  21. Keep up the good work mike n FORGET ThE HATERS..if it so boring n it doznt make sense why continue reading it!ayy abasiyeke abantu we love d book if dnt keep t 2 urcelf n stop reading n stop nasty comments o myn start up ur own interesting blog..hmm u c it myt work myb we wil follow!

  22. Tina child when u 1st do 2 varsity u meet a different set of people,ur character changes in order to fit in with the bunch,u don’t want 2 miss out on anything,ur boyfriend is going through a phrase,he is experimenting with a lot of things ryt now,he feels he is loosing out on da “cool stuff” when he comes home every weekend!u need to be patient as u will also go through the same things,he doesn’t love u any less and trust me he will eventually get bored with that varsity lifestyle of partying!communication is also key in any relationship!

  23. i must say i’m leaning more and more about the male phsyc hey. a fight i’ve been having with my bf about seeing each other now makes perfect sense. not because he’s busy elsewhere, simply because we need to breathe aa bit
    Mike i urge you NOT to stop this blog, we love Thandeka, we adore Neliswa, Umfazi o jolayo and now our beloved cheating hubby who is truely teaching a few of the “know it alls” a thing or 2.
    Dankie Mr Maphoto

    My angel i really hope you take the advice given by your older sisters love at your tender age can be brutal and most of us learnt hte hard way. This too was a learning curve on your side. Focus on your books, have fun at your age, bashemane will always be there neh

  24. Ey Tina dude I’m an 18 year old on varsity lol i wont lie but guys here are hot and so are the girls so you know what goes on. I think he’s just lost interest in you, I was in the same situation last year although I’m still a virgin my dude lost interest in me as soon as he entered varsity. Its up to you If you wanna stay or not though I left

  25. Mike my brother please go back to Confessions cos this Memoirs thing is not going anywhere; it’s so boring and predictable. I even prefer ‘Ngempela’ on SABC1 more than this.

  26. Hmmm I just hope tht ur not talking abot my Mxolisi hey #hides# I like thousands times..
    A2Q Tina baby just seek advise on a career part u wanna take not love ur to young to seek advise abot love…

  27. Dear Tina ..I don’t think the guy is still interested. Harsh ..but true. University has a way of changing people. He might have met a lot of different people and would actually like to explore. I suggest you ask him upfront what the deal it and rather date someone who’s in the same phase in life as you are. 🙂

  28. Thanks Mike, but I’m having serious withdrawal symptoms ndicela uqhubekeke ngo Zulu girl aka Thandeka…thanks.

  29. Just grab her phone and drop it, if she is still in the same room, let it dismantle and in the process remove the sim card, and pretend it has gotten lost under the couches, a replacement will not have the message. if she is not in the same room “steal” her phone and hide it after removing the sim card. Buy her a better cellphone. Good luck.

  30. If I ever get married I swear I won’t be the dull wife, thanks Mike for helping me to see from a mans point of view

  31. Ncoooo, Starfish I salute u and I really dnt have words for Tina now coz u hv done an excellnt job in advising her. Well done hope she reads this

  32. Tina my precious, I just wanna let you know that varsity is a whole New ball game, and you will never fully understand until you get That level…. him neglecting you is not going to get any better I can bet my cats life on that but just let him know how you feel about the whole situation and take it from there…. Mike thanks for the stories this website has become my escape ans I love it. 🙂 into entle uyanconywa!!!

  33. Thanks Mike again, its good to know what men think about women & life in general, we are learning a lot. Great work one more time. Variety is a spice of life, I’m enjoying ALL your blogs, whatever you dish up I appreciate. No need to shout @ you and be demanding on what we “Want” to read instead be appreciating that @ least we have something to read & that’s all your hard work that doesn’t come Easily. Big ups & Stay blessed!!! Kapish LoL.

  34. Noma i feel if u dnt have anything positive to say then dnt say anything. If the book is senseless to u then dnt read it. My goodness, ever here the saying that nothing is new under the sun. Mike never said he does nt draw his ideas for the book from others n others experiences. Some of us love reading Mikes blog, u obviously do too but just cannot help critisizing and being mean. If u feel u can do better, why dont u start ur own.

  35. Tina my angel i feel for u yazi, id say relax nje coz he is at university manje meetin new ppl, lots of hot gals there (sowi hav to b realistic) its gona take time bt he might or might not cum bck to u, jst wait nd c wht happens gv it 6 months if he duznt change plz move on, ul c nawe whn uya at Uni things change, depends how strong ur love is

  36. Thank you Mike for a great read! I am married for seven years and have fortunately never been suspicious of any shananigans from my hubby (Thank God). True as that may be, this blog is just giving me great ides on how to keep that lamp burning. As women we tend to relax after marriage and just let go. Whuuuu I will be experimenting new things on hubby, I don’t care if he will think I got them from another dude fact is I will make it my personal duty to bring back the spark, I will ensure that he thinks about me every second of every minute that he spends away from me!!

    A2Q: Tina, baby girl, you are way too young. Like most people have mentioned, your boyfriend feels like he is at another level of life that you as a girlfriend has not reached and would not understand. He feels like you will be cramping his style to put it clearer to you. he probably feels like you are younger and do not match to the life and circle of friends that he has now. Remember he has freedom something that you don’t have. He is ALWAYS available and you are still at that age where you have to request permission from parents to go anywhere. Just leave him baby girl and try not to be involved for now. You will fully understand when you get to University as well which is in a few years time!!!

  37. Finally caught up with this story.Mike you are a legend dankie Mikeesto for an awesome read.a
    Shouldn’t you be playing with things and listening to Justin Bieber or something…. Kids!!!
    U busy u wara ngendoda who is exposed to so much at varsity… Get your self a ben9 and stop stressing, clever as you may be. The boy is enjoying varsity life, and maybe wena ukwenza u regter, or maybe not. Either way just do u nd focus on whatever makes you happy, it can’t only be him bathong…. Kids!!!!

  38. Heia Mike! I missed this yesterday just read it now! I brought the house down with my screams of laughter, man I was crying tears with laughter. U have a gift Mike & it is yours to do with as you please. Thanks to God we are in the blogging era & you can put your talent to good use. Anyone with any dissatisfaction can shout up or keep out, better still start up their own blog or go to the bookshop. For me it does not matter how bad the grammar or whatever is, I can make out what you are writing so keep plugging away at it Mike we appreciate your effort to keep us entertained on a daily basis. Go for it!!!

    Dearest I wish u could have waited before going all the way, but its too late now. All I can say is aim to be No.1 let go of the guy, you have the next 64 years,at least, to indulge in love matters. There is no hurry when it comes to relationships, first define what you want out of relationships and then involve yourself in them. Be clear & upfront with potential suitors so that you are not the taker but an equal. That way when things do not go your way then you can sit the person down remind them of what your expectations are and if they do not want to recognise them you can walk away clear in your mind that it was not working. At present you are just being blown by the wind, you don’t know whether you are coming or going and that is not a good space to be in at your age. At your age all you need is easy uncomplicated friendships with guys so you can gain confidence around them, the way you are letting things go now you are putting your happiness, joy and confidence in another’s hands & he is only 19, selfish and inexperienced. Be kind to yourself walk away from the sex for now just be friends with men. Let your body develop to its full potential first you owe yourself that favour at least.

    To all the young girls out there starting sexual relations earlier than 18 or 19 exposes you to a higher chance of developing cervical cancer because your cervix is underdeveloped, it is only fully developed after 18/19. Please advise young people to delay having sex because later in life they bear the burden, infact we all do because they then need medical care which is subsidised by taxes.

  39. tjo lefatshe le tla bulega a tsena
    ..o mathateng monna oo…it happened to me b4. I hooked my friend up with my cousin on whatsapp n while chatting to my coudin about dis friend msg went to him mistakenly…o tshwaregile ka nnete but he can pic up de fone n pretend to be curious about de sender while deleting adawise ke mathata fela

  40. Tina cc you are still young to be sexually active, nothing is further from that truth. Even your guy is still young ingakho eziphatha ngalendlela aziphatha ngayo, he has not matured and is also experimenting. Ufuna ukuba ipart of that experiment and loose your youth in the process? Linda sthandwa sami uzozibonga ekugcineni, kubuhlungu usukhulile when boys count you as one of those they conquered especially if they slept with you kubona kubenze bazibone bengama bhoza. I know its painful but focus on your studies for now do not look for another boyfriend, there is plenty of time for that when you grow usibona nje sikhathele ukube siyakwazi ngabe we erase all the history yamadoda esidlule kuwo ngoba nawe uba ashamed.

  41. Thank you once more Mike, never mind depressed ppl who have nothing beta but to critisize your GREAT talent. Love ALL your blogs keep the fire burning.

  42. Thank you Mike for the wonderful read, #smh *clean copy brother* lol! Anyway, I miss Confessions tlhe abuti when will you be updating again?
    Hey Tina I’m commenting because I was in your shoes around that age and I want to share my experience with you. I started dating the particular guy when I was 15 and we waited till I’d just turned 17 before we did the deed. That year was my final year in highschool but it was also his first year in varsity which happened to be in Mafikeng, honestly I truly believe he stayed faithful that year but the following year when I did my first year in JHB that’s when I started to see signs of negligence. I stuck to him regardless until one foresaken day I called him and another woman answered the phone to let me know that I should not call HER MAN anymore, you can imagine my heartache. To add impact onto injury he straight up told me that he wanted nothing to do with me and I should stop calling him, everything went down hill from that point onwards for me and I even went as far as dropping out because I became depressed and distracted. I became bitter and cold, I isolated everyone and men were just a waste. It took a lot for me to dust myself off and move on. To this day I can honestly, regardless of how it ended I still hold a place in my heart for him because he was my first but I will say that because I was so young and naïve I invested too much into the relationship. It happens and you can’t help who you fall inlove with but I learnt soon after my depression that the only person worth true, genuine love beyond measure was me and I focused back onto myself.

    Being top 5 in grade 11 is a big deal, instead of picking @ his frienDs FB walls and seeing him in action focus on you. Build yourself and remember that lwena you are quarter to varsity *you will go through what he’s going through*, own your heart don’t let him be its master because for as long as he is a boyfriend and yall aren’t married then he has no genuine attachment to you. Sa itsenya stress ka MOSIMANE o kare ke monna wa gago. Like they always say if you love someone, let them go because if they love you they will come back. Let him be manana, put yourself in his shoes and you might get an idea of what is actually going on in his mind. Otherwise let your first love always be you, take it from someone who comes from there. I’m not saying we handle things the same but if you bury yourself in this love you have for him, it might turn out to hurt you more than you expected.

  43. I saw this 1 coming. De comments were turning more childish by de day (from mothers asking advise about convict boyfriend – now 2 this 16 year old child who’s busy having sex) mike is there anyway u can filter questions on your blog? Save us the trouble n tym of having 2 deal with babies having sex n etc. It started out as contructive n helpful 2 some of us but now… eish (trisha n jerry springer r better cause dey deal with adults)

  44. Itjaaa MOXOLOSI (saying it like a Prdi Girl) LOLEST do such happen vele? The way I am forever cautious kea iputjisha if some things are rather overrated.

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