They say alcohol is the gateway to more bad things. I don’t know who they are but they were right. That night I drank more than I usually drank. At home I could only drink a few ciders at a time because kaHlatshwayo like in any decent house children were not allowed to enter the house drunk. With me it was twofold in that at school I was the head girl so whenever there was a party other kids would want me to fail so that they could talk about it. Head girl in small towns and in schools that matter in the community means something so I could never drink more than three. I always had to be a lady in case one of my haters was hiding in a bush somewhere,
“Ladies it’s time to go!”
I remember Katlego saying at some point. I was not the only one drunk so it was not entirely embarrassing thank heavens. Zamo, Zethu, Beloved and the other girl whose name was not necessary to remember was also gone. Only Katlego was good.
“I am hungry guys!”
I told everyone and immediately the girls all screamed,
If you go out there is almost a rule of thumb that says the meal of choice is McDonalds for girls especially. I used to think that it was because McDonalds was 24Hours but no, Mcdonalds (pronounced with a T at the end) ingena different after a few drinks.
“No guys I don’t want food. I just want to pass out now. Guys lets go, Katlego don’t even think of walking, take a cab!”
Beloved said taking the two girls with him. Zethu and I had really hit it off so we swapped numbers and as for the other girl I doubt she even got a hug from me. In any case that left me with the original two and like me they wanted McDonalds.
“Double quarter pounder with chips please!”
I ordered. In Mooi River the Mcdonalds is on the highway to cater for travelers otherwise in town proper we do not have it. That really sucks but it meant that on the few times I had gone out at home we would find ourselves there after drinks. It was all fun and games but also felt like an adventure because of the distance covered.
“Guys this is so going to mess up with my diet?”
Zamo said and Kat immediately responded,
“No boo boo, the seven Savannah Dry’s you drank are what you should be worried about! I still need your secret though, how do you eat so much and manage to stay so skinny? It’s crazy!”
Katlego was always complaining about something be it books or boys. This was the first time she had slammed Zamo in front of me and I really appreciated that. We decided to eat there because sometimes when you are out you really don’t want the night to end.
Zamo suddenly said in what was like a hush whisper but because she wanted to laugh it did not really come out as planned.
“Don’t look now but here is literally a Gorilla at the door. The man is huge!”
She said and she was really in awe. What is about people saying to you ‘don’t look’ that makes you want to look. Immediately we turned to look and as always luck will have it, he looked at us at the same time and stopped. The man was huge and even though we were inside McDonalds I could tell from where I sat that he could cover the moon with his hand.
I whispered without using words. Ok now I didn’t know this but for those who can lip read, ‘hawema’ reads like a sensual ‘come here’ in English. Yup, he walked over straight to our table and I was sure I was dead at that moment. I stood up immediately ready to run.
“You don’t have to stand up for me!”
He said in a very thick accent I am not sure how I could even understand him. Katlego and Zamo also stood up though am not sure if it was with the same intentions as mine. Zamo who had started all this literally hid behind Katlego.
“Hi, my name is Ada!”
The big man said to us. I was so terrified because one of the rules I had given myself when I got to Johannesburg was that stay away from foreign men. Back home we had a few Zimbabweans but never Nigerians. They were really big in person.
“I am Katlego and that’s Zamo. My sister here is Samke!”
Katlego did what she did best jumping to my rescue. This girl loved people so much it was so annoying. She could befriend Bheki Cele the way she was so charming and easy going around people.
“Nice to meet you Katlego. Your friend here does not talk much now does she?”
He said casually as though I had not just offended him. This was the year that Africa magic had just been introduced in my household at home and to me his accent was so funny. I was so drunk so I feared that I might end up laughing at the accent hence why I kept quiet. I was terrified though.
“She talks this one, today is her birthday so we took her out for a few drinks so I think the alcohol has gotten to her!”
Katlego said in what was an obvious lie.
“Happy birthday nwa lewa!”
The big man said in his language. I had no idea what that meant but the name had so much affection in it I actually felt it.
I responded playing along to what Katlego had said.
“Allow me to buy you something in here since it’s your birthday,”
He offered rather unexpectedly. We had all just eaten meaning we were super full. I was not about to fleece this man out of another Happy Meal. McDonalds tastes like shit cold so I did not even want it to go.
“No thanks, next time!”
I said before Katlego got in deeper. She went quiet though and soon I saw why. Ada Orunu was so big from the angle I was standing I had not seen another man approach from behind.
“Hi ladies, I am Abedi, Abedi Kanu!”
The man said coming from around or behind I am not even sure what to call it, from behind Ada. I get why jaws were literally on the floor. He was not big like his friend but rather tall, ripped in what had to be the sexiest body I had ever seen. I could hear my horny ancestors scream
“Hawe Jesu, Mazulu vuleka!”
In my head when he licked his lips.
“Abedi, meet Samke it’s her birthday today!”
Ada introduced me to his friend. Who ever said girls don’t get wet when they meet a hot guy lied because right here right now I was ready to take off my panty for this dude? He was so hot I had tears in my eyes.
The Zulu just came out. I mean I know the man was Nigerian but the Zulu came out. When you have your best dream I promise its always in your mother tongue. You know the way I absolutely love phuthu and amasi with a bit of extra cream, this guy was a hundred times better it is like they added honey. I could feel my stomach move and in my head it was so loud but I swear to you this was just nerves.
“Hello, o wa lewa Samke and Happy Birthday!”
He said to me. Even the way he said my name made me want to give him babies there and then. The man was so hot even now talkative Katlego was stunned silent but I am also certain she was salivating.
“I am Zamo and this is …”
That heifer Zamo chirped in.
‘Bitch stand at the back of the line otherwise I will beat you up like you stole something!”
I screamed ok fine I lie, that was in my head but I should have. She had been stealing my limelight ever since I met her but this time ngizobulala umthakathi if she even dares.
“Abedi, get a drink for the lady since it’s her birthday!”
Ada told Abedi. For a moment there I thought he meant buy me a Fanta or crème soda but he surprised me by walking out of the shop. No one ever told me that Nigerian men were this hot, ok not both but the one.
“Where do you study?”
Ada asked me now that the distraction was gone. My mind was far away though because it was Katlego who answered for me. She had finally found her voice.
“We go to Wits.”
She responded punching me on the shoulder to stop being rude.
“Sorry about that. I think I drank too much Hunters Dry!”
I said by way of a weak defence.
“It’s alright on your birthday you are allowed to party.”
He said. Well it was already 0230am in the morning meaning the party was as good as dead but oh well let’s just smile and pretend.
“See I told you and thank you so much for telling her Ada, this girl needs to stop burying herself in books!”
Zamo said. She was talking like she was my friend. Inescefe le ntombazana.
“Birthday girl this is for you!”
The hot guy in his snakeskin shoes suddenly said. That was definitely a python print and I had never seen shoes like that before in my life. They were even pointy like kick and bhoboza I mean the liver you must have to wear such shoes in 2011. If it were a South African man I would have called it tacky and nasty but on this guy they looked sexy.
“Is that Moet champagne?”
Zamo said out loud and stupidly. This girl was actually pathetic but more importantly this was the second time I was hearing this name in one day. Even Katlego’s eyes opened wide at the realization of what I was being given.
“Thank you very much!”
I said politely as Abedi handed the boxed champagne to me.
“It’s late already but tonight we will be going out. It is our other friends birthday maybe you ladies should join us. This way we have a proper birthday party!”
Ada said. Sometimes ugly friends need to shut up and let the pretty ones talk. It was annoying that invite should have come from Abedi but if it meant seeing Abedi again even a baboon could have asked me and I would have accepted.
“Yes no problem we will come!”
Again Zamo, yah neh wamphaphela ntombazana responded. They were not talking to her but me yet she kept on answering for me.
“Please take my number so we can plan it!”
Zamo added which just made it awkward. My heart sank when Abedi gave her his number. If she does not wake up later today just know that she messed with the wrong Zulu girl.
“We have to go!”
Ada said calmly without taking his eyes off me. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me come on why me.
“We got Moet ladies!”
Zamo screamed with joy when they were out of earshot. The way she irritated me she sounded like Helen Zille trying to sing Xhosa songs. Unescefe Magogo udlala ngengane yabantu!