Let’s be honest to one another, as a girl growing up we all thought about one day
walking down the aisle. The thought of that white dress, a dashing man in a black suit was the stuff we fantasized about. The whole fairytale fantasy was something that we all had somewhere inside us. I am including girls who would later on go on to love other girls. Once upon a time there was a period in our childhood when we were still innocent enough to actually believe in that together forever till death do us part nonsense.
“I want three weddings,”
My sister would insist when we were young. Time flies though because it felt like yesterday. Did you know that the World Cup was 8 years ago? Crazy! That’s enough time to have sex, have a child and the child is now in Grade 3.
“One wedding at my family home, the other at his family home and the last one at some resort that is fancy and amazing!”
She would add. We would always laugh at her for being unrealistic obviously as that would be expensive and a logistical nightmare but she was the more extreme of the two of us.
“What would you like Lungi? Knowing you and your backwardness you just want something in court and then you are done!”
She would ask me and mock me.
“Miriam tell your friend that tomboys don’t get married they end up as security guards at China City because they can run so fast!”
They would burst out laughing. I was not even a tomboy to be fair but she was an idiot like that. I was just not girly like them that’s all.
“You will be the security guard not me!”
I would fight back. Sometimes it would get physical as you know siblings tend to fight but rarely.
“Miriam you will be the best lady at my wedding. She is not invited because she will steal the food probably!”
I would always have a retort to whatever she had for me. I always believe that people who have one child and intend to stop there are selfish. Growing up as a child is moments like these with your siblings.
“We have heard that lame one before and I won’t be a thief. I will be a doctor or something!”
My sister liked picking fights but could never actually win them because she was hyper sensitive when you teased her back.
“You and what brains?”
I would say. That would sting her so much so that the conversation would end in tears. I had a dream though and in that dream I didn’t just want to get to married because everyone was doing it. I wanted it to be with someone that I loved and. Who loved me just as deeply? I didn’t even have that phase of thinking light skinned guys or guys with dimples were hot because I wanted love.
“You not being fair! Share your thoughts on what you want for a wedding. We are always telling you the setup of ours yet you never tell us yours!”
Miriam and my sister would always complain and they were right too because I never shared. The thought of having a husband one day was something that made me smile though even with my mother’s nagging behind me. However, as we grow up that fantasy meets reality and reality for a South African is often an abusive husband or father. As we get older our hearts harden because of the experience of having a South African man as a father. It’s no coincidence that every single woman in this country can attest to at least one moment were she can shout out without hesitation that men are trash and have the scars to prove it.
That was my reluctance in getting married. There was nothing to romanticize about having someone you give your all to but they give so little in return. Mind you that’s a good one because when you get a man who loves you so much they tend to become possessive and lately so possessive that they kill you in the name of love for trying to leave them.
My sister shouted!
“What is it?”
I asked as she startled me out of my daydream.
“You are so far away! You didn’t answer me mfethu you can’t possibly be considering marrying a guy you have never dated! If it was me I am very certain you will be telling me that I am being stupid!”
She advised me and she was right. If it was her I most certainly would have told her that she was crazy and that she was being impulsive. I am rather hard on her because she doesn’t think sometimes.
“Maybe I have become Muslim and believe in arranged marriages!”
I told her and laughed trying to make a joke out of it. It was a funny thought to me because I am very well prepared in what I do so to make such a huge decision without putting thought into it was definitely out of character. What did they put in that Venda food kante?
“It’s not funny Lungi! You are the one that always makes the good decisions between the two of us and this one is not one of them. Don’t be impulsive and if you decide to become Muslim I would be the first to know!”
She advised me. I was not really listening to her because my mind was far away at this moment.
“Lungi you told me that the father of your twins is alive and well. Explain to me how you expect Mbilahelo to react when he finds out?”
I hate people who behave like Deputy Jesus and right now my sister was worse than that because she was trying to have some kind of say in marriage.
“I know what I told you and he knows by the way that I am pregnant!”
I told her.
“Wow and he is willing to marry you?”
She asked me in disbelief.
“Yes he is!”
I don’t think she believed me and I don’t blame her. Somewhere there is a rule written that a pregnant woman cannot date a new guy who is not the father of her child. It’s something not considered correct by everyone actually but I think it’s wrong.
“That’s creepy Lungi! No guy in their right mind would want to marry a pregnant woman unless he is some kind of psychopath!”
She warned me. I wish I could put her on mute for the rest of the way but I couldn’t. I ignored her and instead put Vusi Nova on an increased the volume.
“Oh wow that’s mature! Ignore me ke!”
She said to me. The rest of the trip was not that chatty meaning she left me to my thoughts. It’s not that I didn’t hear her concerns but for a moment after you buy a lotto ticket even you are allowed to dream right.
Finally I was back, home of the cash in transits, hijackers and mkhukhus. Say what you want but Pretoria and Johannesburg are probably two of the most dangerous cities in Africa yet if you live there you love it. We had left the distinctively clean air of Limpopo to this and no regrets whatsoever. We passed Petroport, then Menlyn, Centurion, Midrand and next thing I was arriving at my estate.
“I miss mom please drop me off in Soweto!”
My sister said as I packed. I was so annoyed by this because she could have said this all along and she chose to only do so now. After such a long drive this was unfair and annoying.
“But honestly you are unfair. Why did you let me leave the freeway if you knew that you wanted to go there?”
I asked her.
“You never asked me where I wanted to go so naturally I assumed you wanted to pee as usual!”
She responded cheekily. I was not going to fight with her. Tonight I needed peace. I drove to our house in Soweto and I dropped her off.
She said and that was it. She was mad at me I know but not today Satan! I had buried to people so I was done with that.
I said as I left. I don’t know why she was not going to her husband’s place but I did not want to entertain her any further. She can be annoying at times.
My phone rang as I was about to get back on the freeway.
It was Sfiso. It’s amazing how accurate people are when they say that when Satan can’t get to you he sends you a boyfriend in his stead! Ufunani now?
“You have been avoiding me. What did you want to talk about when you called me?”
He asked me.
“I don’t talk to men who sleep with prostitutes! They disgust me!”
I told him as my response. I had not forgotten his indiscretion.
“You are a filthy man and I can’t believe I slept with you after all that!”
I continued and typical Sfiso not to take anything seriously he laughed at that. It was not a joking matter.
“So you assume that if I sleep with a woman who is not you that woman is a prostitute?”
He asked me without even acknowledging that I was mad at him. He had a way of deflecting things that was so annoying at times. Now was not the time though.
“Sfiso what do you want? I have had a very long drive and I don’t have time for your childish mood swings!”
I told him. What is with women that when we don’t like a guy anymore he is annoying where he used to be charming. I swear at this moment even the sound of his voice was irritating me.
“I get the impression that there is something you are not telling me and normally my instincts serve me well. What’s going on?”
He asked me.
“Well you instincts should have told you not to call me today as I am not in the mood!”
I told him.
“Can we please start over, you and I have a good relationship where we laugh and talk. Please don’t be like this and shut me down. It’s not cool. I will hang up now but I will call you tomorrow.”
He said and before I could tell him to not bother he hung up.
“Lungi just don’t tell him that he is the father of the twins and go with Mbilahelo!”
A little voice said to me from inside, outside or whatever.
“Don’t tell him!”
Could I really be the next Thembisa Mdoda and lie about the paternity of my kids to get the man I wanted? Two whole kid’s bafethu?
Goodness that’s like AKA thinking that that we wouldn’t call him out for thinking when we called her Queen B we meant she was actually like Beyonce!
Did I even want him?
********The End **********
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (Facebook)
Good day Mike and readers
Thank you for posting my letter.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now. When we met, he was all a girl can ever dream of. Romantic dinners, movies, sometimes at his place or mine. Video calls, sweet messages. To cut it short, he was very attentive to me and our relationship. He gave me time. All this ended in 2017.
In 2018 I met a different man. He stopped calling, when I called him he would respond with a message that he’ll call me back. But never do. The texting also declined. He would send cold, short messages like “morning. Hope you’re good. Have a great day”. He still does and he doesn’t bother reading my replies. He will read my reply the following day when he sends another cold message or sometimes at night when he sends a good night text. He now only calls me after a few days if I have also been silent.
I fell in love with this guy. We never tell each other “I love you”. I one time brought the issue of him being distant up, but he told me that I’m getting negative vibes because we don’t spend much time together very often but all is good. He asked me to be patient with him as his job keeps him busy that he himself forget whats what. We can go for as long as 6 weeks without seeing each other yet we are 40km apart. I go to his house, he comes to mine and when we are together, it’s beautiful.
I feel like I confuse him. I think he lost interest in me but wants to keep me for rainy days. When he introduces me to his people and they give compliments, he never forgets to mention to them how I have a beautiful character and how I give him peace of mind. I think there is someone else but he is not entirely happy with and wished he could take my character and give it to her. I want to ask him about us, are we coming or going but I don’t get a chance because when we meet, he makes me forget all that. And when he is tipsy, he becomes the man I met in 2017. He’ll call me late at night for long chats; sometimes he would even drive to my place or send an Uber to fetch me to his place as he does not want me to drive at night. He just wants to be with me.
1. What am I missing with this man?
2. is he into me or he only remembers me when the real ones are unavailable or when he is drunk?
3. How do I bring this topic up as I don’t want to appear as the paranoid girlfriend or non-trusting?
I am at war with myself whether to stay or leave. Many times I choose staying with the hope that he’ll turn around. And I don’t want to be seen as weak or running away when the going gets tough. He told me before that the nature of his work makes it difficult for women to stick around.
I have nothing holding onto to make me stay and fight for our relationship except for hope. I keep looking for bits and pieces here and there but it is exhausting.
Please advice a girl.
Apologies for the loooong letter.