YES 185

Posted on Posted in Young Employed and Single

I know not to judge other people on their intellect. I know we are told that all men are created equal but that’s not

true is it. When you went to school, in your class there was always someone who came out number one and someone who came out last. It’s not something you can pretend never to have known was there. Yes God made you human, you walk breathe talk shit like everyone else but our brains function differently. I hate stupid people and my sister was one of those people who defied logic sometimes. My mother used to cuddle her and protect her whenever she made bad decisions but I was not my mother. She had known Mbuso for such a short time and already she was marrying the dude? What did she even know about him? I was not being harsh on her but she was beyond ridiculous.

“Lungi wait come on that’s not fair!”

My sister said running after me.

“You can’t just say such things and walk away? I am stupid for wanting to get married to a man who wants to marry me and I want to marry him?”

She asked me pulling me by the shoulder to turn me around to look at her.

“What is it that you want me to tell you? Do you want me to say that it’s a good decision this thing you are doing?”

I asked her very annoyed at her grabbing me like that.

“No! I want you to be my sister and support me in my decisions! You are supposed to be happy for me and not pass negative judgments or call me stupid!”

She told me and yes she had a point but sometimes allowing a fool to act foolish is testament to your character not theirs. I was not going to entertain her.

“You know what? I don’t want to state the obvious but if you insist, let me ask you this! Did Mbuso tell you what happened to his child’s mother?”

I asked her. It’s the first thing that came to mind in all the things I could have said.

“Why? What’s that got to do with anything? She died long ago so that’s not our focus!”

She explained.

“So what if he murdered her and ate her will it still be something in the past not worth focusing on?”

I asked her. She wanted to say something then she stumbled when her mind caught up with what I had just said,

“Lungi how can you even say that no eeuw? Come on who thinks of such things though?”

She said completely horrified by what I had just said and ok maybe she had a point!

“I am just saying though! It’s something worth considering just so you know! If you think that was a fair question do you know his family? His background? Where he works? How you will raise his daughter? You are not even fully divorced yourself and already you are talking about marriage?”

I asked her a barrage of questions which left her defeated, hands which were on her waist at first now dropping loosely on her hands.

“It’s going to be an adventure ok! You want me to date a guy for five years as though he is trying to get a degree in me? That’s your way right? You have all these guys running around in circles because you can’t fucken decide what you want in spite of all those brains you always show off! I chose my heart to listen and I am stupid? What has your brainpower given you so far except for confusion?”

She asked me angrily. She even had a vein sticking out on the centre of her forehead!

“I am trying to protect you ok! I am trying to protect you that’s all!”

I said taking me a step back.

“Protect me? From what? You are selfish and self absorbed and as long as you are the one who is getting to be happy everything is fine but screw everyone else when they try to even match the grandeur of your shadow!”

She went on at me.

“I am leaving!”

I said and I walked to my car! I had not intended to fight with her but all the emotion in me had overwhelmed me so much she was the one I took out on. I felt bad but I was not wrong about what I said. I had just driven away when my phone rang.

“Lungi where are you? I am back home!”

The voice said and the relief in me.

“Miriam thank heavens! I was so worried. Your phone was off so I figured that Jerry must have switched it off!”

I told because indeed I had tried to call her.

“No I switched it off. He wanted to go with it after you left but I refused saying I needed it for my mother to call me. She just arrived here at my place but you know how annoying she can get. Please come to my place!”

She asked me and I did not even hesitate to agree! I had nothing to rush for at home with all that was happening and the distraction was more than welcome.

“Of course!”

I told her.

“Please bring me some wine! I sent Bongani to buy me some and he brought me wine that taste like piss!”

She said and she laughed,

“How do you even know what piss tastes like Miriam?”

I asked and she laughed it off. Somehow because I knew what she was going I already knew that the laughter was meant to mask the pain she was going through. I know society would expect her to be mourning and rolling around on the floor as though she was on a B rated Nigerian movie but this was Miriam.

“I will be right over!”

I told her. Anything to get my mind off things right now I will take at this moment. I went and I bought two bottles of her favourite Dry Red and headed to her place.

“Lungi come on you should know better!”

He remonstrated with me.

“She has just lost someone, we have just lost someone and if we facilitate her with alcohol she will drown herself with it. It’s going to become her vice and she will drink everyday to forget. Please Lungi you should know better!”

He complained to me and instinct was to say that Miriam was a little drunkard anyway but he was right. I know how some people hide their grief in the bottle and especially now soon after.

“Is it the reason why you bought her the non alcoholic wine?”

I asked him trying to sound funny. He threw his hands in the air and said,

“I had to buy something I suppose!”

He said and we both laughed.

“I am sorry I should not have been tricked into it. She needs something positive she can sink her head into! Maybe I will encourage her to focus on the hair business!”

I told him.

“Oh she has not told you?”

He said,

“No told me what?”

I asked him.

“How are you guys even in business together?”

He asked me.

“What do you mean?”

I asked him again. Just get to the point dude and stop being patronizing I was thinking at that moment.

“The girl you were buying the business decided that she is keeping the business for herself on the last minute. She sent Miriam a message saying she won’t be selling so that option is out!”

Bongani said to me and it felt like a punch in the gut especially when I thought of how excited Miriam had been.

“Why didn’t she tell me though? She also had my numbers!”

I told him visibly disappointed.

“Ah you can’t trust these kids of today. Now let’s go sit with the others before we get suspected of being outside for too long. You know what my mother in law is like right?”

He gossiped with me and we laughed. She was that hectic Mam’Dolly and she could turn this story around in a second if it suited her. I was not going to allow that to happen indeed.

“Lungi why didn’t you tell me what happened?”

Mam’Dolly asked me.

“I could not tell you because Miriam wanted time alone. I wanted to but it was not my story to tell!”

I told her. She was referring to why I had not told her of the miscarriage.

“Mom leave her alone. She did the right thing because you would have been panicking back home for nothing. It’s not like we can change things now can we!”

She said almost too dismissively for my liking.

“Still we are family we don’t keep such secrets from each other!”

Mam’Dolly was often a bubbly person but at this moment she was a shell of herself. She was in pain over what had happened that’s for sure. I felt bad for her.

“Did you bring the wine?”

Miriam asked me.

“Ah Miriam you can’t be drinking right now!”

Her mother protested. I looked at Bongani and thankfully he saved me.

“Yes she did but I don’t think it’s a good idea. You can have one glass and that’s it. Please baby don’t fight me on this!”

He pleaded with her.

“Ah you being controlling now Bongani I can drink if I want to!”

She protested, went straight to him and took the bottle from him forcefully. That was a very awkward moment indeed because she was disrespecting her husband in front of her mother plus best friend and I think she realized this immediately after because she then said,

“One glass then ok, but it has to be the biggest glass!”

She said trying to save the situation. She went and took guess what, a beer mug! It was a bit too late for that now to be honest and Mam’Dolly intervened,

“Miriam that was rude! I did not raise you to be this disrespectful! Please apologize to your hubby here!”

Her mother said to her trying to calm her down but Miriam turned around with so much anger in her eyes even tone.

“What did you raise me to be then? I was sleeping with boys by the time I was 15! I was drinking even younger than that? Where were you?”

She confronted her mother. Shit this had just turned south.

“Ah Miriam are you blaming me because you could not sit still?”

The mother asked.

“Yes I am blaming you! Do you know what the reason they gave for my miscarriage was? They said that I had a weak placenta which could not carry me to full term probably because I had been drinking for such a long time!”

She said angrily.

“So you are blaming me! You need to take responsibility for your own actions! Who was the one who looked for you every time you disappeared from home? Who went to police cells, hospitals, taxi ranks looking for their child?”

She asked her angrily tears coming out of her eyes,

“It was me! It was me you ungrateful little bitch!”

I had never seen Mam’Dolly lose it like this.

“Mam’Dolly…”

I said trying to calm her down but she was not done!

“You slept with everything that had a dick on our street. I would beg you and you would tell me that it’s your body, it’s your right! I tried beating you up for it but I realized I would end up killing you my child for it now today you have the nerve to say I failed you? How dare you? Today you go around saying how Black Parents failed you as kids do you have any idea how hard it is to raise a prostitute for a child? That’s what I did and I loved you everyday regardless!”

She went on. Miriam poured a glass of wine and poured it down her throat. Had her mother just called her a prostitute? This was not going to end well. I went and stood closer to Mam’Dolly she had to calm down.

“Even now you are being advised of your actions and you still not listening. You killed your own child because of your lack of self control! You acted like you were the first woman to ever see a dick! Did you think it was a Bar One with Milk? When you were drinking all that alcohol did you think it was water? Grow up! Now you have killed your child and you still won’t take responsibility! You are a murderer that’s what….”

She was about to say but Miriam threw the glass she was holding at her mother. Bongani and I reacted but not fast enough as it hit the elderly lady straight on the forehead.

“Miriam!”

I screamed!

As Bongani and I both got to her at the same time.

“Mam’Dolly!”

I shouted at the unconscious lady but there was blood everywhere!

Miriam just stood there mouth in her hand.

***********The End *************

@diaryofazulugal
Mikeatdiary
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Mike@diaryofazulugirl.co.za

Dear Friends

Good morning. We don’t have a letter today so I figured I should ask some burning questions I had writing this chapter if you don’t mind.

1. When a parent has a child that sleeps around and drinks like Miriam was in her teenage years how should they handle it? It’s now illegal to beat up your child and frankly speaking nowadays money talks so loud that parents can’t stop their daughters sleeping around for it even if they tried. How should they go about it then trying to bring a wayward child back to the right path?

2. When someone miscarries, what is the best advice to give them so that their lives don’t descend into further chaos? As you can see with Miriam I feel no one knows what exactly to say to her. How do you console her and even start telling her that kuzolunga, everything will be fine eventually?

3. Miriam was in her last trimester so does her loss amount the same way if she had given birth, held her baby and the child died after? Is the grief the same?

4. How much blame do you give a mother of a wayward child in this case Mam’Dolly on how their kids turned out?

5. Why do women often not get along with their mothers?

Thank you for your time and please do send those letters.

Stay Blessed

Mike

33 thoughts on “YES 185

  1. We can never blame parents for how their kids turn out, in this day and age kids listen to TV and social media more than their parents but the best thing to do is to keep telling them the truth about the realities of lives especially from your experiences always talk to me them one way or the other even if they try to ignore you one thing will hit home and parents must lead by example hey, imagine your dad dating a girl from your school and you find out ai, so parents must also not just be reckless in their behaviour even in front of a 5 year old cos she/he will remember that for the rest of her life.

  2. Q1. We are all different, our minds are unique, you can take the horse to the river, even force it into the water and it still won’t drink. Parents should be relentless no matter the situation. Take her to a hospice, let her see all the people who are dying because of lifestyle related decision. Fear is what i had growing up, my mom did a great job at that. Emotional support is another thing girl children need, it’s what i needed more than anything else.
    Q2. Death is a very difficult thing to deal with. Sometimes i feel people shouldn’t say much, just be there for the person “just your presence” and people who are not close should give one space.
    Q3. Loss is loss, pain is pain, grief is grief doesn’t matter how small or big the child is. I bonded with my babies from the second i knew of their existence and i believe most women go through the same bond.

    Q4. Blame doesn’t solve anything. What’s done is history.

    Q5. Now that i am married with kids i get along with my mother to a certain degree. The teenage me “disliked” my mom, for endless reasons.

  3. Shu!
    1. I think that is the worst situation to be in as a parent because unfortunately children make their own choices no matter how they were raised. I dont even know if theres really a solution for it. Take me for eg. I was raised very well. Both parents. Not too strict or too loose. But ive had my “hoe/party” phase. I guess the difference is i didnt disrespect my parents by throwing it in their faces. i did my thing far from home and at home i was a child.
    3. I think the grief is possibly the same yazi. Bonding with your child, feeling them kick inside you, preparing their nursery buying clothes etc. then nothing. I would die yho!
    4. Hayi i dont blame her mna. Obviously in some situations people werent raised right or cared for but claerly Miriam was raised fairly okay but chose to be what she is. Thats not her mothers fault hle.
    5. Very good questions. Growing up, well as teen i really didnt get along with mine. But now im in my 20’s and i cant go a day with talking to her. I dont even really know why we didnt get along yazi.

    Thats my 2c.

    p.s I love your work dude!

  4. Question 5 mothers get so much over protective that they fail to advice their kids at n early stage about life… Forgetting we HV to get to that stage of dating n peer pressure of alcohol n drugs from our peers.. By that time we get to that stage we know none cus ur mother always told u not to do it but never explained to you why u should not do it.. And beating a child for falling for peer pressure makes that child worse that that child will even start to hate you slowly but surely.. Communication is key to any relationship the sooner the better.. Mothers should pay attention to their children to know what they like when they grow up so that you can help that child to persuade those things that child likes, that too helps a child to shift their focus from falling for peer pressure of life.. And mothers should watch the way they live.. Leaving your teenage at home alone at home most if the time.. You give that child too much freedom to do things he/she feels like doing till that child goes over board like Miriam did at a young age… Yes we need as child need to take responsibility of our actions when they go wrong but how we grow up n our surroundings determine how we going to end up in life..

  5. These days it is very hard to raise a girl child. I think there was a reason she started drinking and it stems from her mom not being there for her when she needed her hence the anger mirriam had for her. This is years worth of anger building up. We as parents should be extra observant to put kids and notice the little changes because they are the ones which brings such anger.

    There is nothing you can say which can change what has happened. But I think just be there for the person and don’t treat them different.

    Losing a child is a loss regardless of what trimester you were it has the same whole in the heart.

    The mother is supposed to be there for the child not just provide and at most times that’s why we fail at parenting. We want to provide only but fail to be there for the child.

    The anger the child bears from her mom not being there for them when they were younng is what causes the mother and daughter not to get along. The daughter does not want to make the same mistakes her mom did with her. Hope all of this makes sense

  6. Eish Mike, I wish I could print todays chapter for my daughter who dumped her 2 kids on me coz it just describes her and her still gallivanting behaviour till today. And she is just like Mirriam, ungrateful and just doesn’t want to take responsibility for her actions.

    And I can also relate with Question no 5, especially if your mother is married to another man who is not your father

  7. The pain of a miscarriage is as painful as the pain of losing a child. I had miscarriage 3 years ago, I still question myself if there was something I was not doing right or if I deserve it, I still try so hard to block it from my mind. I really feel like a failure. I’m even scared to get pregnant again because I have fears I may lose the baby again. I don’t even like being around other people’s babies anymore. I try to avoid babies as much as I can. So it’s hard Mike. I understand Mirrium’s frustrations and pain. I even feel sorry for her, Mirrium story line always makes me teary.

    1. Mpho please try to talk to someone if you can. the pain of losing a child whether by miscarriage or after birth is something that you never get over. its the kind of pain that you don’t even wish on your worst enemy. at times you are expected to move on because as people say life goes on but akulula as you have had your heart yanked out of your chest umhlaba ume nse!!!!! its hard but it gets better with time, you learn how to cope. 14 years down the line I can now safely say I am no longer the same mess I was then.

    2. Miscarriage is so painful. I was 5 months pregnant when I miscarried 2013. Every now and then I keeping thinking that my baby would be three years now. Sometimes I asked myself did I ate something or did something wrong on that day. I have lots of question without answers. What hurt me most is while I keep on thinking of my baby, my husband is saying I did abortion.

  8. Thanks Bhut Mike for the daily dose….

    Okay so I shall attempt question number 2 and 4 , based on my personal experiences…

    There is absolutely nothing you can say to a person who has just lost a loved one ( I lost my mother and not a baby ) I didn’t want to talk about her or “the situation” because to me, no one knows how I am feeling and talking about it is not gonna bring her back… So I closed up , and like Mirriam I turned to the bottle.. Yes I drank but occasionally but after my mom passed away , I was binge drinking…all day everyday – I just wanted to forget it all…. And that’s how I ended up depressed – Manic depression the Doctors call it … But I have since learned from it all… Anywhooo…people deal with pain and grief in their own time and pace.. I lost my mom in 2006 and I was diagnosed with depression in 2010 , imagine!!!

    On to the next one : My mother used to drink alcohol…much as she was a church person , she used to drink, and she was very strict ( as in if you do something wrong I will beat the shit out of you , strict, lol) .. I am the only girl at home with two older brothers , and people always assume I was spoilt but I wasn’t … I was the only person at home responsible for all chores ( cleaning , cooking, everything ) and I hated that about home , thinking why am I the only doing all these things…but I was told I was girl , I need to do the chores. I wasn’t allowed to go out at night because why, I am a girl, I cant be roaming around the streets … I felt trapped and unloved…but as I grew older, I became closer to my mom, I could talk to her about stuff now, I was more relaxed and that I guess brought us closer.
    I always say, it is not always dependant on how you are brought up , that “defines” and “justifies” how you behave, to some its what you go through and how you handle the situation.
    We all make our minds about how we want things and what we accept and not… If your mom is strict and you don’t like that, its two things really, you CHOOSE to accept your mom’s rule and abide by them , or you rebel and CHOOSE to defy them…

  9. That’s Mirriam for you always shifting the blame, she went to Durbs because she wanted to be with Jerry, now she will blame anyone but herself, hayi suka marn…. I cant for Sifio to be featured though, and now he will be the father.

  10. Hi Mike.

    Sometimes kids have different personalities, and parents fail to address this… Wanting the other child to behave like the other and that puts pressure on the child

    I am one of those that never got along with my Mother, she has been dead for 8 years but I still resent her for some reason…

  11. Great chapter indeed Mike..thank you.

    Q 5: that is a difficult question to answer indeed…I am trying to find the answer to that question as well. Let me try and unpack the situation with my mother and I.
    My maternal grandmother never raised my mother – her husband died while she was pregnant with my mom and her father’s family released her. My mom was raised by her paternal grandmother while her mom had other kids. Long story short: her mom continually rejected her – last straw was when her mom sent her back home to her grandmother in a police van.

    She made something of her herself…worked hard at school – got a degree and married my dad. Then she has us. Unfortunately, she shunned her mom until she died. When her mom passed away, she was overseas on a scholarship and opted not to come for the funeral and we also didn’t attend (guess solidarity). With that background – my mom is a wonderful woman: admired my many especially her students (she is an academic now) and I love her to death. However, her need to fully control everything is killing us (my siblings and I). I think my dad has truly accepted her for who she is. her control issues are totally driving me insane to such an extent that I have taken sabbatical leave to Western Europe – just to take time to reflect. The downside of having a parent controlling is that, as a child, you are never sure of the decisions you make an a adult: controlling parents are manipulative by nature. I am with a man who loves me more than anything in this world. He has on numerous occasions asked me to marry him and I always say “not now”. I am not sure whether I want marriage or whether I was manipulated to believe that is something I want or even aspire to…So yeah, we bear the cross of our mothers…Even scared to have kids…what if I am my mother’s daughter, after all…yhooo..should have written a letter I guess…

    1. Every girl is their mother’s daughter tbh. My mom is not a control freak per se, but she is overprotective of us because things went south between my dad and her. Even now when things happen in our relationships her advice is leave him.

  12. I will answer @ 2 & 3 as I have experienced them
    2. I am currently dealing with a loss of my twins and the only thing I need is a hug especially from people whom I was close with, but I have seen that they are distance, they just don’t know what to say. The best is just to tell them gore Time will heal. be there for them
    3. The pain is not the same, the pain of losing a child at 3 month of pregnancy differs with when you have lost at 7 months and also differs with losing a child at birth or losing the child a month after giving birth. The more time you have spent with the child (in the womb or after birth) the more painful it is. I have had a miscarriage at 3 months, at 23 weeks and now my twins lived for 7 weeks. the pain is deep, way too deep.

    1. I know exactly how you feel Sisanda. You are not alone. I recently lost my son 3 months ago, he was 4 months old. In 2014 I had lost my first born son. he only lived for a day. I never even got the chance to hold him. Bot were born at 27 weeks. The pain is just too deep.

  13. Question 5, I get along with my mother. When I was younger I was more of a daddy’s girl but still loved my mom but after my dad died I learnt u have to appreciate every moment and take every fight as a lesson.

  14. I had a still born. Even though i didnt know her, but we bonded. WHEN I SAW HER MOTIONLESS BODY I realised that my life will never be the same. By the love of God i became a better person.
    To answe you Q.3 Grief is grief but Mike

  15. Q1 – I think talking to your child helps not ukumthethisa (shouting) when they have done something wrong helps. lets try and be transparent with our kids. tell the truth where you can. one thing that as we were growing up got some of us to rebel was that ekhaya abalikhulumi iqiniso (at home they don’t tell you the truth) so we decided to experiment to find the truth. so far for me it has helped me with my Son and I am trying to make sure that the is ready to deal with whatever situation of peer pressuring moment he comes into contact with. I don’t want him trying to find answers from a friend who is as inexperienced as him. Bazokhohlisana bayophosana eweni and basebekhohlisene there is nothing you can do to try and change their minds.

    Q5 – moms are the ones that most of the time try to get you back on track before the matter is reported to Head Office (dad) so as you are growing at times you resent your mom (not because of lack of love or respect) but because we feel that they are the goal keepers. they are an obstruction to what we deem as just. remember as a Teen you have too much going on in your body so you always feel like you know best and you are super Woman!!!

  16. I will try to answer question 5 …
    For me it’s not necessarily that I don’t get along with my mother but I am just not close to her. We don’t share the same dad with my elder sister so growing up I always felt like she favors her (in my mind she’s compensating for sister’s dad) so I felt unloved and plus my mom is reserved. Anyway by the time she felt I was grown enough to talk I left home so until today I am not close to her. The only thing I can talk to her about is religion apart from that nothing.

  17. 1. There is no formula on how to raise a child. But! In as much as it is a trial and error task, I feel as though parents, specifically black parents want to parent their children so they do not turn out like them, or their neighbour’s kids or the worst person they can imagine and that is where they lose the plot. A child is not yours, they are gifts that should grow through you, not for you and as much as you love them, you cannot raise them for yourself, but should equip them and raise them for the world. Our parents, in wanting to give us a life they never had, they have loved us and not raised us for the impact of the world. iworse le generation ye90s. I say impact because life is about crashing, bumping into every thing we achieve, encounter, experience and accumulate and let go of. Everything has an impact or is one. Having a promiscuous child is an impact that leads to greater impacts sometimes. So what do you do as a parent? You speak to your child, openly, honestly (This shyness around sex needs to stop), create an environment of open sharing and dialogue that your child never feels the need to go seek information from outside but within because you are not going to lead them astray like the outside world. How does this help? It helps in that, should they be promiscuous and a bit too giving of their goods the impact is not a life threatening disease or an unwanted teenage pregnancy or young woman who seeks validation from others and seeks love in others only ( I once spoke to 20 teenage girls who were on contreceptives but feared their parents would blow a gasket if they knew that, imagine!) You teach your daughter about body positvity, about consent, about rape culture, about love about STDs and Aids. We as black people never want to speak of the good side of sex and love, we want to instill the fear of God in our kids when it comes to the creation of humans(literally, the one thing everyone has in common) we make it a taboo topic, when it shouldn’t be. If you’re feeling like your education on speaking and your education on issues around sex is lacking, as the parent, find out how you can be better versed. Heck, find out with your daughter so as to lessen the impact. When we know better, we do better. Most importantly, get to know your girl child. Know the kind of person she is, in front of you and when not in front of you. And this all starts with opening your mouth and speaking and listening to understand. It baffles me how mothers go from hearing ‘Mommy look!’ a thousand times a day and hearing the same questions a thousand times a day when their girl children are young, to not being able to speak and listen to their girl children when they need mommy to really look and need questions answered they have no way of asking. When you know better, you do better.

    Skipping the others (zero marks)

    5. I am slowly turning into her and that bugs me, I am very aware of this and sometimes it is a beautiful thing and sometimes, well, it is a nightmare. I think things get lost in translation when someone wants the best for you, but wants you to not be like them in other things but to be like them in others, it’s frustrating.

  18. Q5: Personally my relationship with my mother is very tricky. Parents have been married for 30 years. Growing up the person who initiated discipline was and still is my mother because my father was always away for work or as i found out a few years ago, out somewhere cheating on my mother. This makes the mother a “devil” as my younger brother calls her. It really is sad because I’ve always wanted to be friends with my mom, unfortunately that never happened. I honestly don’t know if i will ever get along with my mom.

      1. Hayi mina and my mom are like paraffin and water, and I can concur with u SexyNerd, I always feel like that my mother is favouring her kids from her marriage. So I have learnt to stand on my own and be my own support system coz because of her favouritism of her kids from her marriage we end not being close me and my half siblings.

        Eish, mothers dont realise that they are the glue that makes the family to be unified. Their actions of favoritism just tear the family apart and most times they dont care a hoot about that unity.

  19. There are no better words to make a person who miscarried understand or move on. Miscarriage is like loosing something u really wanted and bonded with whilst still pregnant then to just loose it like that. Self blame.. Guilt.. Feeling that God hates you.. Will always be in your mind.. I had 2 previous miscarriages both at 23 weeks.. I felt so alone though my partner and my family were always by my side.. Whenever i came across people who dont know wat happened to i mean those that saw me in pregnancy and ask hw is my baby i always felt torn inside coz u cant explain to every1.. Dat pain never goes away its in you.. Being independent n having everything to make u smile but the lost space of those 2 boys i lost its deep within n there is no moving forward.. Everyyear nov and oct on those specific dates i wonder what is it i could have done for their birthdays.. They say it takes times to heal but i say it subsides and reoccures when triggered by some lost space like

  20. Was Mirriam raped as a child or something happened to her, I’d like to believe ukuth noone just wakes up and decide to hoe around
    She is angry at her mother for something and she seems angry at the world
    Is she even capable of loving a man though ai

  21. losing a child is painful I had a miscarriage
    my daughter ran away from home we tried looking for her involving the police and we found her, she went back to where she was, she is selling her body in Jhb it hurts, as a mother to a young girl who doesn’t want to listen to what you say. you just hope she comes back home not in a body bag
    it hurts everyday I have tried but failed
    ke lekile ke paletswe.
    She said to me her life her body I mist leave her alone

  22. Q4: From my opinion i honestly do not think that you can blame parents on how their children behaves. Speaking from experience I was emotionally abused by my mother, she is an alcoholic and when she is drunk she always used to curse at me, accusing me off sleeping with different men , wishing really bad things upon me like ” i wish you could get raped so that you can see what life is really about” really really bad things and mind you this abuse started when i was about 12 years old up until matric, when i left home for varsity and it had become a routine , so i used to hear all of those things almost on a daily basis.

    But all of that didn`t make me go around and be loose just to spite my mom. I am 25 years of age now and Im still a virgin not because i was never exposed to the life nor haven`t been in a relationship. It is just me,its just don`t believe in giving it away so easily. In spite of the abuse i still made my mom proud, as i went to varsity and graduated on record time and i have a well paying job. Basically what im trying to say is that it all boils down to an individual. It doesn`t matter your upbringing, you chose who want to be.

  23. Hey its so sad the issue of Miscarriage because you never know what went wrong. I am 30 years currently married and currently miscarried a few weeks baby. It is so confusing as my husband is the first man I ever slept with and that was after the wedding. So now I don’t even know how to feel or say because we wanted the baby but now there is nothing. So I don’t think miscarriage goes with behaviour all the time. it’s just an unfortunate bad luck that most women go through.

    The relationship I have with my mother is so estranged that she was talking ill about me to my husband before we got married. I can’t even share any difficulties I am experiencing because she goes around telling people whatever is happening. I love her but I have made peace that she will never be the mother I will cry in her shoulder.
    Even my husband does not trust my mother because he never came across a mother who badmouth her own child.

  24. Question 4.
    It think there’s always an underlying issue unaddressed and often it’s those things that black parents don’t wanna talk about.

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