YES 176

Posted on Posted in Young Employed and Single

I hate hearing bad news. That’s the one part of being grown up that I hate with a passion. A lot of people believe

that growing up means hearing the bad things and turn them into positives. We have to come up with nice things to say to someone who has suffered a loss. That’s not me. I don’t like attending funerals for one or any other gatherings that make me sit with old people. I don’t know why all these thoughts entered my mind because the doctor was standing right in front of me.

“I am afraid we lost the baby!”

He told me and by the look on his face I could see that he was not done with the bad news.

“Please tell me that’s all the bad news you have…”

I told him as my heart started beating fast now. I could not even bring myself to accept what it I was thinking, Miriam!

“As for your sister we barely got to her in time meaning …”

He explained to me and already I was crying as he said that.

“What’s wrong with Miriam? She can’t be dead come on you can’t say that!”

I told him defiantly.

“No fortunately she is not dead but I am afraid there is a very high possibility she might never conceive again! I am sorry!”

He said. I posed for a moment and I know I want to jump up in joy over the fact that she was alive but I have always known that for her, the one thing she wanted in her life was to have a family. As a woman being barren or unable to conceive is like being stranded in the middle of the ocean with no water to drink. You are surrounded by children and families but none you can call your own. It genuinely feels like he

“Are you sure doctor?”

I asked him and he shook his head in consent.

“I am really sorry!”

He said to me.

“Can I go in and see her?”

I asked him.

“She is currently sedated so no I don’t think that’s a good idea. Come back tomorrow morning rather you will see her then!”

He told me. I was not sure what to do now but he was right, now was not the time. For the second time I trudged back to my hotel, 2am in the morning. Newscafe had just closed as its last patrons were still chatting and Ubers were picking them up.

“Eh sisi!”

Someone said to me but I did not even bother to look up. How could I do so when my mind was so far away?

“How is she?”

Belinda asked as I walked into the lobby.

“She was sleeping when I got there and there was no one to update me!”

I lied. I lied not because she did not deserve to know the truth after how she had helped us but because I could not bring myself to tell the truth. I also did not want her to try console me because that was too much work. When I got to the room I noticed that they had already taken all the blood stained material and cleaned up the blood. They had even taken out the mattress on the bed were Miriam had been lying. If I was not so tired I would have been impressed. I passed out.

It felt like had not slept at all to be honest when the loud shrill of my phone woke me up. I was getting a call and it was my aunt. What did she want so early?

“Are you back yet?”

That was the very first thing she asked me.

“Aunty I only got here yesterday there is no way I could have been back so soon so no I am not back and I don’t think I will be back today either as something happened!”

I told her groggily. It’s weird that I had only slept two or three hours but my body was not tired.

“Ah come on Lungi you really don’t want to be that side in your state. This something that happened can’t you come do the thing in Joburg rather. I am worried about you; I hardly slept that’s why I called you so early! You are going to kill me with stress!”

She protested.

“Aunty did you hear me at all! We were supposed to come back today but something bad happened. There was an emergency that forced me to stay unfortunately. Do you remember my friend Miriam?”

I asked her.

“What kind of a question is that? Of course I know Miriam!”

She told me actually sounding annoyed that I had asked her that and truthfully I don’t know why I had because I had spoken about Miriam with just yesterday.

“Oh ok I was just checking isn’t with you I can never know!”

I said rather unnecessarily.

“Lungi get to the point. What’s wrong?”

She asked me impatiently.

“She had a miscarriage last night! It was bad. I don’t think I have ever seen so much blood. I wanted to help her but I felt so helpless. It happened right in front of me!”

I explained to her. I was really distraught now. As the thoughts of what I had seen came flooding into my mind…

“That is so sad! I am so sorry for your friend. A miscarriage is so painful I had one myself when I was younger!”

She confessed to me and that is something I did not know of her. My mother too had never said anything to that end but that was my mother we talking about!

“You did?”

I asked her very surprised.

“Yes I did. A lot more women go through it than you know. You just pray to whomever you pray too that it does not happen to you!”

She told me.

“But aunty you are a Sangoma couldn’t you have seen it or stopped it!”

I asked her rather naively I must add. It’s like those people who say if pastors can pray for you for good fortune why then are not always blessed in return.

“I don’t know if you are saying that mockingly or genuinely but the truth is I can’t see everything? You can’t see everything! It’s just how it is. If I could see everything I would have won the lotto a long time ago!”

She said a bit sourly. I had actually not been teasing her. I was genuinely asking.

“Did you know that if you refuse the calling it has a tendency of affecting the people around you?”

She told me I think she was trying to change the subject. I also had not wanted to stay on it because I had really annoyed her. I cannot know it all unfortunately.

“Ah aunty are you saying that this was my fault?”

I asked her.

“NO I am definitely not. That is not a burden you want to carry around but I am also telling you facts. When you refuse a calling sometimes it affects the people you are close too just as much.”

Heh banna what was this woman trying to say really? Something crossed my mind though; this was not the first miscarriage I had experienced recently. Cindy my friend, she was meant to be my closest friend had lost her baby and stopped talking to me. I still for the life of me could not understand why she had done that. Could it be me?

“I know you don’t believe me but please find other people who know of these things and ask them! You are young and you believe in second opinions right so go get a second and a third opinion just to ask this question.”

She told me. I don’t think she had been accusing me but she was just telling me how the things work. I was fine with that. The hotel phone rang ad it was reception.

“Aunty I have to go. I will update you how things go and definitely I won’t be going near water.”

I told her before she could give me a lecture. I did not want to tell her what had happened last night when Jerry had stopped me from falling because she would just start with her lectures. I hung up on her and answered the hotel phone.

“Hello?”

I said picking up.

“There is a Bongani to see you maam can we send him up!”

It was a male voice this time and indeed I allowed for him to be sent up. It was not even 0700 in the morning I marvelled at how he had taken the early flight. When did he even get to book considered how late I had called him? I had slept naked so I wrapped myself in first a towel then the hotel gown.

“Morning Lungi!”

He said when I opened the door.

“Morning! I am glad you are here! I don’t know how I was going to handle this day!”

I told him. He hugged me. I think that was the first time we had shared a hug which made it awkward in its own.

“I could not find a flight so I drove through the night!”

He said to me.

“You are joking right? What time did you leave?”

I asked him.

“I left immediately after I spoke to you. I slept early yesterday. I passed out around 8pm on the couch so I was ok to drive.”

He explained but he was taking away some of the gloss right there because now there was a man worth mentioning. No matter who tells you what, Durban is far and that road has a lot of accidents so for him to have driven all this way I was impressed.

“I am happy to hear that.”

It was still too early to go buy something as most of the shops in the mall opened around.

“What happened Lungi?”

He asked me.

“We went out for supper last night after the meeting. It was a good meeting so we were excited. We decided to go to Eyadini or rather you know Miriam is bossy she decided the baby need shisanyama meat! Everything was fine, she ate and we came back hear. I was in my room when she called me saying something is wrong and when I got there she was already in distress!”

I explained to him. It was a simple enough story. I obviously left out all the drama with the arrest and the fact that we were with another man.

“She just had to go out! She has wanted to go out lately and I have been refusing. She gets a rush of blood every time we go and she wants to dance and so on! The doctor says it’s fine because it relieves her of stress but I am old school. To me if you are pregnant you put your feet up!”

He said standing up turning the other way so that I could not see that he was crying. He his rears were flowing down his cheeks and I could do not anything about it because even now I was crying. Ah come on.

“Did nothing stressful happen?”

He asked me.

“What do you mean?”

I asked him.

“I am just trying to figure this out. She was healthy last time we went to check. The doctor said that she must be stress free as extreme stress is not good but I don’t know I am just babbling now! I was just asking because this is so confusing. We lost the baby? How? I don’t understand!”

He said as he sat down and put his head into his hands. His big heart was broken but this got me thinking? She had been so angry at me and Mbilahelo for the arrest. Could that have caused it?

Shit?

Could I have caused this?

*********The End********

@diaryofazulugal
Mikeatdiary
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Mike@diaryofazulugirl.co.za

Dear Mike

Thank you sir for reading my letter and posting it up for me. Greetings to all the readers.

I live in an informal settlement in the East Rand and attend school here. I am in grade 11 but went to school early so am 16 turning 17 in January. I am doing well enough at school but I am not impressed with myself as I feel like I can do better. At the school I attend I am always number one because truth be told the people I study with will rather be drunk, fighting or pregnant to worry about books. It is so discouraging knowing I work hard so I can compete with myself. At home my situation is not that better either. My father is a security guard and when he is not at work he is drunk being beaten up by my mother at home. A security guard getting beaten up by his wife imagine? It’s common here. We can’t call the police on her because I have two other siblings and if she gets arrested I will have to stay at home to look after them. I am not dumb to think that I can run away because I need to pass my matric so I can a job. My mother sometimes works as a domestic worker and every time she does I ask her to bring me books from these people if they have kids my age. Needless to say I have a stack of books, most of which I am sure she stole as she always says people who employ her will not even give you anything for free. That is my background and now here is my dilemma. I was at East Rand Mall with two of my friends when some white man tried to flirt with me. I am the stereotype for them, tall dark and skinny. He offered me r15000 if I have a threesome with him and one of my friends who was there. We accepted and I got the money. I gave my friend r1000 because she was not the one approached. That money I intend to apply to every university I can find and every bursary out there. I also used it to but a phone and a lap top. I have to go to the shops or friends houses to charge it as we have no electricity. The guy has asked for a second one for the same amount and all of a sudden I am feeling guilty and scared. The first time it was impulsive but now that I am thinking this through it’s scaring me. Where I come from r15000 is like a million and we don’t get opportunities like this. Even to open a bank account I struggled because I did not even have a proof of residence. What should I do? What happens if I fail to get a bursary because like I said, I don’t even know how good in school I really am considering the calibre of people I study with? I want more for myself and I have no one sensible to advise me. Mr. Maphoto you are a lawyer can you be my mentor or can you find me one? I know it’s too much to ask but right now I am left with only bad decisions to better myself.

Please give me advice on my situation.

Thank You

Maureen

31 thoughts on “YES 176

  1. Okay Lungi, the blame game is getting old now. Either way Miriam was going to be stressed, worse she could have miscarried behind bars which was going to be far worse for Bongani to understand. Its sad that she lost her baby and may not be able to have one in the future. Your friendship is about to be tested especially since you about to have a baby.

    I cant comment on the Q without being the moral police so ngcono sizwe ngabanye

  2. NO YOU HAVEN’T caused any of this, Mirriam wasnt supposed to be in dURBAN with Jerry in the 1st place, but because she wanted to be hoeing she came, she planned the trip not you…. Mbilahelo was to arrest Jerry with or without you…

  3. Maureen. Focus. You are almost there. Forgive yourself, if you feel like what you did was wrong, forgive yourself. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with someone for money if you are two consenting adults. As an older man, he should have known and did better, but alas we are here. And you did not want advice on that. Forgive yourself, forgive yourself for that act and see it for what it is; services for cash. Not a getway to hell. Do not let society tell you otherwise, men pay for sex whether they know it or not and women sell sex whether they not it or not. You just happen to know it. Hell, we prostitute ourselves every day in our ‘great jobs’ even, with our benefits and ‘middle class’ houses and salaries. Held at ransom by our pimps who tell us when we can go on leave and holiday, how many times we can get sick a year, how long we should grieve for and who we can we grieve for. We prostitute our backs sitting on chairs for 8 hours and our eyes looking at computer screens for lengthy periods and sometimes after hours. We prostitute ourselves with the hope of one day getting our pension and start living. But in reality we will be spending it all on medication for diabetes and athritis and a long list of illnesses that can be attributed to our working years. Forgive yourself Nono. You did what you thought would be right to better your situation. Listen, high school is just a means for you to secure a place in varsity, so keep up your number 1 spot so that you can afford yourself the gift of choosing what you want to study and not studying what is available when you have bad marks.

    University is different in that it is not about who is smart or not, it is not about who has money or not or your back ground. It is about who can sit in a three hour lecture and leave with readable exam study worth notes. It is about who can sit for hours and study a concept they have never known and make it their bitch, about who can produce and reference the living daylights out of a research paper and put in all they have in that paper. It will be difficult for you because there will be a culture shock once you get there as you will notice how different you are from the majority of kids in varsity. Not only academically but socially, technologically, economically and other …cally(ies) out there. But I assure you, if you know why you are there, if you know your goal and your dreams and wants and needs in this life, you will push through with all you have. Forgive yourself. If you decide to have sex with this man again please use protection and be safe. Forgive yourself .

  4. Maureen eysh tough one dear, some might say it’s prostitution but a girl has to do what a girl has got to do…. who am i to judge, all i can say be carefully use a condom in whatever you decide… And bank that money

  5. Eish my poor heart, todays episode is heavy for me, I miscarried twins 2 months ago, I sad for days….
    Maureen, you just broke my heart, really I pray that the decision you make will be the best for you. I pray that GOD guides you.

  6. You are doing the Lord’s work Buti Mike. Thank you for this platform; for today’s beautifully written chapter and may you please forward my email to Maureen.

  7. Maureen forgive yourself dear and make sure you use protection with ths guy one thing I can tell you most of us are prostitutes nowadays as they say Love alone doesnt pay bills.At least you are doing ths for a good cause,want to further your studies unlike some of us want expensive weaves,shoes,designer bags or trip to Dubai…use your school address as a proof of resident and open a bank account, ask ths guy to deposit the money straight to your account come next year you enrol e UJ or wherever you want to study and please hun dont become a sly queen.just focus in your future and stay away from relationships as it always complicate things.All the best my angel

  8. Being barren is the most painful thing ever 😢.

    Baby girl don’t think too much about morals , push to have a great future. Try to have some sort of relationship and bank the money to change your life. We all have skeletons in our wardrobes.
    Use money wisely and change your life. If I was in your shoes I’ll do it again and again, poverty must fall

  9. Girl you sound like a smart girl, don’t destroy your future for a 15k. Why would someone be willing to pay that much for just a round? What if he is a poem maker and he is going to get more money out of these threesome rounds. In future if the video leaks or something, no one will want to do Business with you or even employ you, your reputation Will be ruined for good. Think about it, this is a lot of money to pay for just a round, this guy is doing business, maybe he installs cameras before he starts. What if he kidnaps you and sells you into a foreign country to be a sex slave?

  10. not to be harsh but reality is you are not the first girl or person to grow up in poverty and neither are you the last so let’s stop with the pity party and justifying wrong things. I understand that it’s your body but if you did not feel bad about what you did you weren’t going to write to us so my advice is that forgive yourself. the man took advantage of you and your situation but that doesn’t have to continue as you know better. if you continue with this I doubt you will even have the fire that you have to complete your studies as the human brain is naturally lazy and gets easily comfortable with getting things without working for them. if you continue you will surely have an attitude that why work hard if you can just lay on your back, open your legs and get money in return for what you want. what’s worse is that there’s no amount of Money that will take away all of that guilt and feeling worthless. sex in exchange for money is not as easy as people portray it to be because they themselves console themselves with those material things and they don’t even sleep at night. as my little sister I advice you to just forgive yourself because had you known better you surely weren’t going to do what you did. depression and low self esteem is real and I will never encourage you to take this easy route out of poverty because it will all lead to that and for what? focus on your studies, work hard nobody said it will be easy and I understand that being poor does not help either but don’t take the easy way out. instead allow these circumstances to build your character as a person. even if it means that after matric you must get a job and study through Unisa so be it. I pray that you get a bursary or scholarship though but don’t allow yourself to be used. it is not a good position to be in. you will surely regret yourself. I am a student at Unisa and I know a lot of students that have and are in your situation and we are all about to graduate. there are others at UJ as I even have relatives that were really poor but they worked hard and working. this 3 some thing was just a test of life, God is with you. trust him with all of you and you will surely have a breakthrough. and no matter what advice you get from people justifying you in this act, I say follow your instinct. once you start having a ‘but’ just know that you are justifying your actions. study hard and get yourself out of poverty through books and working hard. not through laying on your back and opening your legs. don’t dwell on what you did and also don’t dwell in your current situation and how poor you are. life is not easy, we all have our own challenges and battles and those will either break you (if you are negative and a find easy way out) or make you (if you stay positive and do what you need to do. in your case which is to study).
    there is no time phrase on what age you are supposed to get everything together. some people will work and make money in their 20s (which us definitely what we all want/ed) some in their 30s or upwards. your race is not someone’s race. even if it means that you should first work after school so be it. All the best and I hope you don’t let that fire flameout.

  11. Maurine listen to your instinct girl. if you not sure / having second thoughts, don’t do it. You don’t know maybe its a sign that this time its not going to be as smooth as last time. I know its tough but listen to that smaller-nyana voice, its always right.

  12. Thnx bradaman Mikie.
    @Maurineen, being a smart girl UR, I’m sure deep down in yo heart U know R15k is a huge amount even for a whole day three-some. We know sex pays but even the prof hoez do not get that money that easily.
    It cud be a trap to many possibilities as others said, kidnapping, porn recording, drug mulling recruitment.
    Money is addictive, one can never have enough. U cud one day be giving yo life story to Mr Maphoto if U survive what UR about to embark on. It’s yo choice ntombatana but my fatherly advice is DO NOT. Poverty seems to be associated with black skin but there are better ways to beat it than scanning various rooms ceilings with ppl yo father’s age or even older.

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