It’s easy not to understand another person’s plight especially if you are benefitting greatly from it. Its human
nature to say ‘tough luck’ or ‘man up’ when the shoe is not on your foot. If it was you that was losing out you would be mourning begging pleading and feeling profound unfairness in a similar situation.
“I am sorry Rudzani but I don’t know what to tell you. It’s not something I planned.”
I said trying to console her and genuinely so. I could understand her anger I am not inhumane but this was not my problem it was the company problem. I was not being selfish.
“I really feel like I did something to you to deserve this. I was never bad to you no cruel to you was I?”
“Uhm, you tried to make me lesbian!”
I reminded her and she got stuck in her words. Next thing the phone went ‘click’ and she had hung up. She had clearly forgotten that then. If there is one thing that working for white companies teaches you it’s to be selfish. There is no stokvel or society there were you should thing of the next person. With them it’s a dog eat dog there hence why your fate is your own. With us Africans we tend at some point to worry for the next person and want to help them. This often happens at our own detriment.
Celebrating alone sucks. I called Nthabiseng but again she did not pick up. This woman must have a new man the way I could never find her when I wanted her. Its funny how sometimes you think you have many friends but when you look up to count them you actually don’t. If I called Cindy right now who I had not really spoken to in a while it might seem as though I was trying to show off. Yup, that’s girl friendship politics. I was thinking this when Mbuso knocked.
He said with a smile on his face. He was carrying something in his hands.
“I wanted to say thank you for taking Ntheteng this morning.”
He said standing at the door. He stretched his hand to show me what he was holding. It was a bottle of wine.
“Is that for me?”
I asked him with an undeniable smile. I was in a celebratory mood so definitely the wine was welcome.
“I think there is only two of us here and the wine drinker is you!”
He said teasingly. It had been meant to be a rhetorical question but its fine, who cares.
“Thank you very much!”
I told him.
“Please come in. I could do with someone to talk to and I am in a celebratory mood anyway.”
I told him. He stepped into the house a bit cautiously which was rather ironic because he had no reason why to be tense.
“Why are you so tense I don’t bite?”
I asked him as he walked in.
“I don’t know something feels funny I guess but don’t mind me, I have had a long day!”
He told me. I had had a long day too but mine was probably the better of the two.
“Funny how? We were fine this morning so what could have changed since then?”
I asked him.
“Its you hey so I can never be sure what’s going to happen next.”
He said and I laughed. I was rather a complex person if I should say so myself but I believe I was also funny too. Ok no, I had a rather odd sense of humour which most people didn’t get except for Sfiso. Where was he? Suddenly I missed him it felt like a cold chill had actually entered the room for a second there.
“Is Ntheteng back?”
I asked Mbuso as I put the wine away.
“Yes tomorrow is school. She is already in bed.”
He told me. He sat down and I could hear him breathe a sigh of exhaustion. He was tired no doubt.
“Can I offer you some wine?”
I asked him.
“No thank you. I actually don’t really drink hey. Well I do but with Ntheti in the picture I always fear not being able to control myself if I start drinking so I tend not to do so!”
He explained. It was a fair comment and could explain why he always freaked out when I drank around his daughter. I must say though I did feel a bit sorry for him. This man was 100% dedicated to his daughter and it must be something I should find admirable. We all say men are trash but when it comes to his child he really was a superstar.
“What are you celebrating anyway?”
He asked me and I opened my mouth to speak but froze even before the words could come out.
He asked when he noticed that my mouth was wide open and nothing was coming up.
“Huh? Sorry man. I wish I could tell you but for now it’s still top secret. I will tell you soon once it’s certain.”
I told him. This was odd. I was so happy and I had the biggest tell someone moment but I had not told a single soul. Does that even make sense? When something super great like this happens to you the reality is usually that you want to tell anyone and everyone who can listen. Why was I not part of that reality right now? Not one person? That was weird.
“Its ok I understand but whatever it is congratulations! I can see you are very happy!”
He said pointing at the half bottle of wine on the table. I was very happy and when people are happy we drink and sometimes have sex. I had both alcohol and a man in front of me meaning this could go in either way. I don’t think people will realize this but since I started documenting my life I have only had sex with Azwindini and Sfiso! The salt mine down there could supply the whole of Soweto for a year that’s how much I needed to get some.
“Why are you smiling?”
He asked me and next,
“Why are you blushing?”
I closed my eyes with my hand embarrassed. He had caught me as I went through that ‘dry spell’ thought.
“I just realized I haven’t been laid in so long!”
I told him. I think I was tipsy. It’s not something I would ordinarily say to him especially.
“That’s easy, put on some porn, and take a shower later!”
He said laughing at his own joke in the process! I stared at him blankly!
He responded when he saw the blank stare on my face. Some men simply do not know how to take a hint.
“Well the last time we reached this stage you made a fool out of me remember?”
He reminded me and again that was the wrong thing to say.
“Do you want to or not?”
I asked him. He blinked a few times like a kid who had been asked why he had done his homework.
“Of course I want. I want you I want more. I love you!”
He said and oh goodness why did he have to say that? Why had he had to spoil the mood like that? What was up with the I love you’s now? Come on now.
“I beg your pardon?”
I asked him standing up instinctively.
“I am sorry I did not mean to say that. It came out…”
He started to explain but I raised my finger towards him to silence him. I was thinking. I had wanted love for so long and here was a man I liked well enough telling me he loved me but nothing. There had been no fireworks, no turning stomach; no emotional catapults but just me being blank. I was totally blank.
“Do you mean that?”
I asked him and am not sure which part I was asking, the one of him loving me or the one of him saying he did not mean that.
“Please let’s drop this for another day. The words came out before I could stop them. My mouth sometimes has a mind of its own!”
He said shifting uncomfortably.
“I won’t drop the sex part though so yeah you take a hint!”
He said and we actually both laughed. The man had actually managed to crack a joke. Was there hope for him yet?
“Yeah most definitely!”
I told him trying to put on a brave face.
“I need to go check on Ntheteng and lock up then I am coming back! I also need condoms.”
He said rather unnecessarily the last part.
“Yeah you do that. If you have Viagra add that to the mix!”
I told him teasingly. He ran to the door and I mean run not walk fast. I guess he did not want the moment to slip. When he got there he stopped and turned, he walked back to me swiftly and kissed me. He lifted me up and I had my legs around his waist. I love strong men. My lips were burning. I could smell a bit of grease on him which made him feel manlier. Men who work in offices smell of paperwork.
“I will be back. You stand here, don’t go anywhere!”
He said commandingly. I was so frozen I doubt I would have moved anyway. As he walked out my phone rang. Often my phone ringing sucked but I was in a good mood so I ran to it. I wanted to switch it off before he came back. No disturbances tonight that’s for sure. I did not even check the caller I.D.
I said cheerfully.
“Lungi I am glad I found you mntanam”
It was my aunt.
“Hi aunty how are you?”
I greeted her politely.
“The money that’s coming your way will be your death. You should let it pass and the ancestors will be happy!”
She said to me. I had not told my aunt I had money coming my way. I had not told anyone. How did she know?
“Aunty there is no money!”
I told her trying to lie.
“Lungile I am not a child. Do not try this game it’s a dangerous one. I would not lie to you for the fun of it. Do you think this calling is a joke?”
She asked me very annoyed that I had lied to her. She was like me in a way, the way I hated it when people lied! It felt as though someone had undermined my intelligence.
“Aunty its money that I worked for, I can’t give it up!”
I defended myself bypassing my apology for having lied in the first place.
“You keep this money you will suffer in future! Please mntanam listen to me, that money is cursed!”
Aowa sies! This is why Africans sold their land for sugar shem! We did not understand our value and if these ancestors calling me wanted a fight they were going to get one! Who gives up r5million! What kind of backward lazy ancestors did I have kante?
“I can’t do that I am sorry!”
I told her.
She sighed in obvious disappointed.
“I am begging you but I can’t force you. I have warned you!”
She said and hung up the phone. I did not even have the money yet and already even dead people were telling me what to do with it!
Needless to say Mbuso was going to get a huge disappointment when he came back.
I must just lock the door and go to bed!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
I finally got the courage to write you lol. Thank you for reading this. Hey guys.
I have never been in love. I have dated many guys and I have never found someone who I could say I loved. I even have a child, I am 33 and married but when I look at my husband I don’t see myself jumping in front of a bullet for him. I feel I married for the fact that we were dating and I got pregnant so it had to happen. All my exes say I was cold in the relationship and sometimes my husband accuses me of not being romantic. Even when he tries to surprise me I don’t do the whole ‘oh sweet’ thing that other women do. I treat him right but I don’t think it’s out love more out of duty. I don’t enjoy sex with him either but I do my part to do the things he likes. Am I abnormal? I have tried to read up on the subject but I can’t find answers. Has anyone ever been like this? How do I fix it? I want to love someone without feeling it’s corny and weird because right now that’s how it feels. When I watch TV and people are being lovey dovey it looks so weird and funny and fake. Ok I accept I have problems if even that is awkward lol. Eish guys I don’t know please help a sister figure herself out. I am not a tomboy. Am very feminine in appearance and I am not attracted to girls either. I just don’t fall in love.