MAJUBA 18

Posted on Posted in Majuba

LONDIWE

It was a horrible day I won’t lie. No matter how angry you are at your person you must always answer your phone because you make a situation worse than it already is. It’s insensitive and unkind but that’s just me. He was overreacting and yes I was wrong but to leave the house without saying anything was overkill on his part. I called him again and again and he did not even bother to neither answer my calls nor call me back. I don’t think he was going to break up with me though. He was a very calculated person my Vusi and he loved me. I tried to console myself with that.

It was in the afternoon that my sister called. I was still angry at her.

“How are you mfo?”

My sister asked me when I picked up the phone. When she was in a good mood she would call me mfethu so that means that she was.

“Am good. How can you be in a good mood at a time like this?”

I asked her annoyed at her happiness after it was her that had caused my misery or rather part of it. My hangover headache was pounding at this stage. I did not really feel like talking to be honest.

“I am sorry. I realize that I was wrong yesterday and I was not thinking!”

She told me. She never thinks that’s the problem and it’s not the first time she has done this.

“It’s fine what is it?”

I asked her rudely to show her I was not entertaining her and wanted her to hang up.

“I just wanted to find out if you guys are cool? I was not happy with the way you left yesterday.”

Oh so she had noticed.

“We are not good. My husband found me on top of my ex! How do you think that looked to him no matter what the excuse was! He is fuming right now and I don’t even know where to start!”

I told her. She made a slight whistling sound to set the dramatic tone for us.

“Maybe I can speak to him for you! It was my fault after all!”

She offered thoughtfully.

“HELL no!”

I immediately told her and I shouted it out loud so that it was super clear that I did not want that.

“But why? I was the one who was wrong and I must also say sorry for trying to make him buy the drinks. He must hate me too right now!”

She said selfishly. My problem with my sister was that she was a people pleaser that’s why she could never say no to my ex. She always wanted to be everyone’s friend.

“You will only make it worse. It’s my battle to fight and I will fight it alone thank you very much.”

I told her. When you are married never ever allow another woman to fight your husband for you. I think at the very worst as in as your very last resort you can speak to his mother otherwise that’s not even an option.

“Nonjabulo just let me be please. Leave me alone I am in enough trouble right now as it is.”

I explained to her. My sister when she is in a mood to talk she does not listen to anything else.

“No you can’t go! I must tell you what happened please!”

She pleaded with me not that it was going to make a difference anyway.

“So you wouldn’t believe Simon caused a huge scene after you left. He cried and pleaded then got into a fight all over you.”

She told me. Why did I feel like I had heard this before? Coming from her it sounded like she was trying to hook us up again.

“Oh ok so why you telling me?”

I asked showing her that I was not interested.

“You just being mean but this should interest you, mum is going for lunch with guess who…?”

She asked me. I panicked.

“Please don’t tell me with Simon I would kill her!”

I said sitting up.

“No why would she go for lunch with him? No man, worse…she is going with your mother in law!”

She told me. At first it didn’t register but when it did,

“Say what?”

I am not saying that my mother embarrassed me but what could she possibly have to say to his mom. My mother was not “too” ghetto but she did not come from the silver spoon world his mother came from.

“When did this happen and why didn’t you tell me sooner Nonjabulo? Didn’t you think it was important to tell me as soon as you found out?”

I asked her.

“Relax come on! I also just found out. It’s not today that much is certain because mum said his mother went to Cape Town. I don’t have any more details for you unfortunately.”

My heart was racing now. My mother was probably going to ask for money. It’s what she does. This was super embarrassing. I had to call her since there was still time.

“Where is mum now?”

I asked her. My sister said she did not know. Where they already at lunch? I immediately called my mother. She was in a taxi.

“Londiwe unjani?”

She said. My mother was one of those people who were not embarrassed to talk loudly in a taxi no wonder why Nonjabulo was so ghetto!

“Mum is it true that you going to lunch or dinner with Vusi’s mother? Please tell me it’s not true!”

I said getting straight to the point and in the same breathe disapproving.

“Do not be ashamed come on! I was not going to do or say anything stupid!”

My mother said with a chuckle included. She was finding it funny when it was definitely not funny to me at all.

“Mum I am not ashamed of you that much you know!”

I reassured her.

“Then why don’t you want to go with his mother?”

She asked me. I had to say it.

“I am not ashamed of where I come from mum but it’s where I am going that I must be delicate with. These people are judgmental and they do all these little things to measure us and remind us that they are higher than us!”

I told her.

“Really now? Do you think they will be so petty? You are making them sound like white people who think their way of life is better than ours!”

She told me. I don’t know how we got to white people but was I surprised, no! This is what I did not want my mother saying random unnecessary things.

“Mum please can’t you just cancel? We can go see her together.”

I offered but my mother being my mother asked,

“Did that woman call you and ask you for lunch?”

She asked me. I know what she was doing now.

“Mum that’s not the point!”

I immediately retorted.

“Answer the question!”

She told me in an annoyed tone.

“No!”

I responded meekly.

“Then stop trying to make it look like I am inferior to her. I am your mother for crying out loud. Her son is my son in law.”

She declared proudly. My mother loved Vusi. She would tell anyone who could listen who he was. To her we had married above our station. She always said the highest she had ever thought of me was marrying a teacher imagine. Where we come from to be honest we don’t have the greatest expectations, sigh!

“Ok then mum I am sorry I meant you no disrespect. She will probably take you to one of her expensive restaurants so you must enjoy the experience!”

I told her meekly again but very worried.

“Thank you. Now you should be telling me if I am able to ask for water to wash my hands since I can’t eat with a fork and knife!”

She said and you should have seen my face just lose all signs of life. This was going to be a disaster.

“Mother!!!”

I exclaimed.

“What, I will have to eat with my hands right?”

She said and I could hear she was about to crack up laughing.

“Its not funny mum come on. These are serious people and how are you going to eat a chef’s food with your hands?”

I asked her this time I was not hiding my annoyance at her suggestion.

“I am just kidding; I am not going to do that. Do you really think I can’t use a fork and knife? Why is it you young people think you have made it in life simply because you can use one?”

She asked me obviously mocking me. She was laughing at my discomfort but I was not laughing at it. I did not want his mother leaving that lunch date thinking I was crazy.

“I have to go now.”

My mother said about to hang up the phone.

“You have to go? Where are you going?”

I asked her.

“I am going downtown I need to look for old jackets which I can go sell back home. I heard there is a place where I can get them for very cheap about r50 each. This winter is going to be cold!”

She told me. I just wanted to sink into the ground right about now. My mother had no brakes in her and I have no doubt whatsoever that she was going to tell Vusi’s mother who ran multi million rand accounts about this.

“Mum why do you want to sell such things you get enough money from me?”

I asked her and she laughed,

“Woo shem! I am not a charity case Londiwe. You are my child respect me please.”

She told me.

“Mum do you even know where to go? Joburg is not safe!”

I warned her.

“I do know where to go. Its dunuza street and everyone knows that and it’s from the MTN taxi rank all the way to De Villiers Street!”

She said proudly. I don’t even know where that is and I live in Joburg.

“How did you even hear about it?”

I asked her so surprised.

“Does it matter? You are already ashamed of your own mother. I raised you better! Stop thinking you are better than us mxim!”

She said making that ‘mxim’ click sound as she hung up the phone. That sound comes out when someone is annoyed. She was showing me that she was annoyed with me for even suggesting it. What else could I have done?

I called Nonjabulo.

“Yes did you speak to her?”

She asked me already laughing.

“Yes she is going to dunuza eish!”

I laughed as I told her defeated. For those who don’t know dunuza means those people that sell their wares on the street and they are on the floor. To dunuza is to bend over (show your bum) basically as you sift through the clothes on the street! It’s actually quite embarrassing but oh well, it’s my mum!

“Yeah she told me. I told her she must talk to you because I knew how you would react!”

My sister said cracking up. Did I really feel I was better than them? My sister had set me up knowing I would not want my mother to go there. Had I changed that much?

“Thanks so much for nothing!”

I told her and hung up the phone. I had heard the keys meaning that Vusi was home. I was in trouble after last night and I deserved it. When he walked in his face was expression less. He was still angry. I was going to lose this man.

“Vusi I am sorry!”

I said immediately before he even put his bag down. I immediately started to explain to him what happened. He did not stop me. He came towards me and he hugged me.

“Don’t worry all is forgiven!”

He said. What a man. I was so happy that it just slipped out!

“I am pregnant!”

The words just came out before I could stop them.

“Say what?”

He asked me.

“I think I am pregnant!”

I declared. What the fuck was I saying?

I was not pregnant and the words had just come out.

Oh no!

********The End*********

@diaryofazulugal
Mikeatdiary
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto
Mike@diaryofazulugirl.co.za

Dear Mike

How are you sir? Thank you for reading my letter and all the letters you have posted so far.

I am 19 and I am pregnant. I was raped by a man from street who then committed suicide when the community found out. I was not his only victim either. Much as I do not want this child my mind is made up for me by circumstance. My family is cursed there is no other word for it. All my aunts (4) plus my mother have only one child. We have a problem with conceiving in my family and they have already gone to doctors to check why over the years. I am my mother’s only child and when I was raped and it came out that I was pregnant my mother told me that if I get rid of this child I will probably never have another. She took me to some specialist in Joburg and the lady said looking at our family history it was genetic so it’s probably true. I am not ready to have a child and I am in university. I wanted a career and all that but some man robbed me of that. If I don’t have this child then in future I would regret it as I will now be old and alone. My mother knows that I hate this pregnancy but she insists that she will raise the child as her own and one day I will learn to love the child. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter unfortunately because not having a child in future I know is worse. I listen to my aunts mourn about having one child when they want more so imagine what I will be like when I have zero. Another thing that worries me is that if I marry a man and he accepts this rape child what happens when he wants a family of his own with me? Before I could at least give him one and now he is forced to love this child that was created by the devil. I am so angry at myself and at this baby. I am already too far along to abort and I can’t help that I am this angry. For the sake of the child I need to get rid of this anger and hatred before she is born. It’s a girl! It just had to be a girl!

Can anyone please advise me on how to get rid of this resentment? I need help.

My life.

Thank You

MGI

14 thoughts on “MAJUBA 18

  1. MGI your story is very sad…

    I don’t know why but every time I read Nonjabulo’s lines I think about Anele Mdoda lol

  2. MGI go for counselling dear and forgive yourself it wasn’t your fault to b raped at least your mother is offering to raise the baby so please focus on yo future and the rest will sort it self out

  3. I love shopping ka dunusa. International brands and most pieces are unique so you wont find someone wearing the same clothes as you. Also since its winter I buy boots there, better quality than edgars bra…

  4. Buti Mike, is there anyway to have a direct contact with the writer of today’s letter? i was in the same situation at the age of 17. She really needs a shoulder. I somehow learned to love my daughter she is 17 years now. much worse is she has the exact resemblance of the father (my raper). I would really love to meet with this young girl.

  5. I am so sorry that this has happened to you sweetheart. I hope that man rots in hell. I hope you find peace. You do not have to have a child that you do not want. It may be too late to abort the baby but you have other options such as adoption, if you feel that you cannot have this child and accept and love it. No one can force you to accept the baby, that can only come from you, and if you can’t, baby, it is ohkay. It would be unfair to you and that baby if you had it and resented it it’s whole life. You do not want that for yourself. Speak to your psychologist, support group, mother, counselor about adoption or about keeping the baby. Let it be known what it is you want and how you want should you agree for your mother to raise the baby. Honest open communication, as there are two lives that will be affected by what ever decision you make and therefore it should be done in an open honest way. That being said, being pregnant is not the end of your life, every one is on their own race. Yes, you may graduate after your peers and get a career after your peers but it is not the end of life, it is simply a delayed experience that will require time and work. You sound like an intelligent girl who knows what she wants, get it. Later in life when you meet your husband, you will let him get to know you and all about you, he will accept things as they are because there is nothing you can do about your genetics. Do not worry about that now, what good does it do to worry now about something that has not happen. You are not born to only produce babies, being someone wife is about more than reproduction. There is nothing you can do about genetics and there is no use in stressing about something you cannot fix or control. Your body will change as time goes by and you might be able to produce a baby, these things happen and if they don’t it is still ohkay. Do not let this experience define you, you are more than this. You are magic, you are resilient and more powerful than you can ever fathom. Believe that! This too shall pass. All the best

  6. MGI, life does not always go the way we expect or plan, there will always be curve balls along the way but throught it all done lose your focus. I am so sorry for what you went through but I believe a child is a blessing in any form that it comes by, you are fortunate that you will be having a baby girl unlike a boy that would have probably needed some rituals and all.

    I am with your mother, let her raise your child and you focus on school and making waves in your career. When you good and ready you will take care of your child and you will love her unconditionally like all mothers do. Forgive me in saying this, but I am grateful the rapists died because you will not have the hustle of an alive absent father, he is dead and buried so now it is time that you also bury that anger with him and focus on the beautiful bright future you will have.

    Seek counselling and don’t lose hope, as long as you are still breathing you have a chance to make your tomorrow better.

  7. M so sorry MGI for what you had to go through and still are enduring. No young girl or woman should ever have to experience this. My step dads mother was raped at 15 when she had him, her mother threw her out of the house. She had to fend for herself working for ppl while pregnant. She had to get married at 16 to a man almost her fathers age just so she could have a place to stay. My dad ended up being a blessing to his mother. He is the only one who went to school and got a decent job and built his mom a house. Not that you are going to need your child to take care of you but what iam saying is, that baby could be a blessing to you. Every dark cloud has a silver lining.

  8. MGI I’m so sorry for what you went through I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like. Now the first step would be for you to stop referring to the child as the rape child, start seeing her as YOUR child because she is YOURS. You have been entrusted with that soul and it wasn’t by mistake so chin up baby girl and be strong for your child. I didn’t mention therapy because many people have mentioned it and not everyone can afford it so if you can’t; have a book where you write everything down, your best and worst memories, things you’d wanna tell your child about.

    Good luck, I hope by the time she gets here she’ll have a mom that loves her effortlessly and unconditionally

  9. What has Londiwe gotten herself into mara?I wonder hw she wil deal with diz lie tjo…Thank u bra Mike
    QnA:MGI im sorry u had to go through dat.U have to know dat u never asked or influenced this traumatic event to happen to u.Its not ur fault nor dat of ur unborn baby girl.She may be ur first n last as u said,so try n forgive urself,n b thankful for life.May the good lord give u strengh

  10. rape is one devil that destroys u inside out,it kills ur self esteem nd confidence,i know exactly hw u feel,bt i was fortunate to nt fall pregnant,dear i nid u 2 nt blame urself no the innocent child 4 hr father’s disgracefull behaviour,accept the child as a gift 4rm God,take the child as the happiness u cn neva receiv 4rm any1 bt God himself,i am sorry u had to go thru all dat,

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