Majuba 17


What would you do if you were me? I had an option to fight it out with my wife who was already drunk anyway. She smelled like a brothel and I am sorry we cannot share a bed in this state. I don’t mind her drinking, I don’t but I do mind her coming home drunk like this. I have always told my wife that never go to bed angry because it is not healthy for the relationship if you wake up with anger in you. However, much as I was a believer in that there are times when silence possibly sends the best message possible. My silence therefore I hoped was going to tell her all she needed to know. To save costs my wife would make me a lunch box even though there was a cafeteria at work. The food there was highly questionable because out of every 3 occasions that I ate, at least once I would get sick. I had therefore learned to avoid the temptation of eating it by bringing food from home. When I woke and got ready she was passed out on the couch. I did not wake her up and I left before she was up. She was blacked out meaning she had drunk more than normal wherever they had gone with Nobuhle. My weekend was done and I was going to my second home, work!

“I must put a glass of water and two painkillers next to her!”

I whispered to myself when I reached the door. I turned around and did just that. Even now she did not wake up. There was no kiss goodbye today.

“You were quiet all weekend I needed that spec for the client on Friday already!”

Kudzai our boss was shouting at us in the weekly Monday meeting. Kudzai was Zimbabwean and I often felt because of that he tried to show everyone that he worked twice as hard. He was our project leader not boss per se all because he was a kiss ass. I swear this guy was the guy that snitched on everyone else for making noise at school. Class monitor type. He loved being in charge.

“Kudzai this thing is due on Friday and if I recall well in last meeting we said today was just going to be a progress report not a full on presentation!”

An annoyed Rethabile reminded him. These two had dated once upon a time and things went sour. It was therefore always them who went head to head in meetings because they hated each other. I have never asked the details of why but you know how relationships are.

“Rethabile, every week it has to be you that tries to show me up. Can you not give it a rest?”

He said pretty annoyed at her but this is where she got her Monday morning mojo,

“I am just stating facts here. You can’t change your mind simply because it suits you. The pressure is unfair because we never know when we are doing wrong!”

She warned him. Much as she was right the rest of us always chose not to intervene because in the office when you start taking sides things get messy.

“You know what; just know I am unhappy with this, meeting adjourned!”

He said storming out. He had the emotional temperament of a 5 year old only child and when angry he would throw his toys out of the cot. The reason it did not startle us was that Monday morning meetings were about the two of them.

“How was your weekend guys?”

She turned to ask us with a smile. It was like she had not just gone through that. Although she was right yet again it felt as though she antagonized him on purpose.

“It was good hey. Drama!”

I responded to her. We got along well enough and in a way she was my work wife. Our cubicles were next to each other so we spoke quite a bit.

“So Londiwe came home drunk yesterday. What do you think I should do?”

I asked her.

“She is not a child Vusi. This thing of acting as though she is a child will never work and I have told you before!”

She said with a smile on her face. She always does that whenever I complain about my wife.

“But I don’t know where she was. One moment we were partying together and the next she had made new friends and disappeared.”

I explained a bit further.

“Still, I don’t think she needs your permission to drink. I get the disappearing part is not cool but allow her to explain herself!”

That was the advice she gave me and in fact that’s the advice you get from every woman these days. You can’t complain about anything a woman does without being seen as sexist or chauvinistic no matter how wrong that woman can be. It’s part of the new dispension of thinking.

“She is my wife and I don’t demand anything from her. Is this not disrespectful. Imagine if your husband does not show up at night would you still be cool with it?”

I asked her,

“Husbands have been doing that for years so why are you acting like a victim all of a sudden?”

Eh wow did she really think that?

“But you know me, I am a decent man and I don’t do such things.”

I protested as we walked out the conference room to our desk.

“I know you don’t but the same way you argue that white people benefitted from the land is the same way I argue that men benefitted from oppressing women all these years! That’s why men are richer, govern and don’t do a day of labour at home at any turn! I often hear you and your friends say bring our land back blah blah so by that same virtue bring our dignity back please!”

She said with a huge smile on her face. I lost my own argument imagine and she did not even blink.

“Nevermind! I shouldn’t have asked you!”

I told her.

“O tla ba strong man!”

She said and she laughed it off only that to me it was not funny. Rethabile and I had that platonic relationship but were strictly office friends. We had never once met outside of work and come to think of it I don’t think we had ever called each other outside of work.

“Don’t pout now Vusi otherwise it’s going to be as long a day as it was a season for Pirates!”

She said and this was not meant for me but for Kudzai who was walking past at that very moment. The dude loved pirates and I could see she was deliberately trying to wind him up and it was working.

“Cut him some slack come on, does he not deserve a moment of peace?”

I asked her laughing and she just grimaced.

“Never, I will torture him for as long as he lives!”

She told me and I left it there. I had my own problems to worry about. I was not a strict guy but I still had traditional values when it comes to my marriage. It was therefore not a good day for me. Londiwe called me twice and I did not pick up. I was not sure what was going to happen if I did.
Tumi wanted to meet up but I did not have time. I wanted to go to the gym and finally work on our project. I had not done my share of the work as I had been busy chasing around my wife.

Then I had to go home. Was not looking forward to it. When I walked in she was sitting on the couch she immediately stood up.


I said rather coldly. She immediately ran to me and hugged me. I did not hug her back.

“I thought you were not going to come home.”

She said

“Why wouldn’t I do that, I live here!”

I told her pulling out of the hug.

“Well because you have never ignored me all day. Thank you for the painkillers in the morning they really helped!”

She said but I did not respond. I walked away. I could see she had cooked or rather I could smell the food as the spicy aromas filled the room.

“You know when I call you and you ignore it is not cool. You make me start to believe that something is happening to us!”

She said to me. I turned around to confront her on it then I noticed she already had tears in her eyes. If I did that now I knew she would cry, it would feel like emotional black mail and nothing would be resolved in my favour.

“And you know when I look for you at night when you have gone out with strangers and you don’t pick up your phone it’s not cool either!”

I retorted.

She did not respond.

“With all the kidnappings taking place what do you think I thought had happened to you?”

I asked her and I had said I will not get angry but who was I kidding. I could feel it come up.

“Love it was not my idea. I went into that car thinking that we will be back in ten minutes. I had no phone because we left here in a rush and were only going next door. I was wrong and I am sorry!”

She said pleading with me. I was sorry too. I should never have agreed for us to go to that party next door. I ended sitting with that dude alone and for what, so that my wife could go partying.

“Look I have always said you have the freedom to do whatever you want in this relationship so long as it does not disrespect us. I feel like you taking that for granted and taking me for a fool!”

I said to her. I could see she wanted to make a snap back but she stopped herself.

“I am sorry. Please let’s not fight anymore and go back to being us. I cooked your favourite food!”

She told me with a smile on her face through those tears. I just felt bad.

“We will stop but this cannot happen again!”

I told her and she nodded her head immediately.

“It won’t!”

She walked to me and opened her arms. This time I hugged her. I had actually missed her when we had been fighting.

“Baby I think I am pregnant!”


*******The End**********

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Dear Mike

Thank you for reading my letter.

I am a married with two kids. We have been married 8 years now. Two years into our marriage my wife got diagnosed with a stress disorder and the relationship turned into a nightmare. When she has one of her episodes she becomes super violent against me. The last 3 years have been the worst and because of her condition and frequency of it she cannot work and support herself. I won’t lie I have wanted to divorce her several times because when you wake up not knowing what’s going to happen in the morning it is the most stressful thing ever. I am tired of having to watch my back. I stay with her because she needs my medical aid and I cannot abandon her. She did not choose this. She is on medication but sometimes it fails her. I loved her once but right now I do not think its love that’s keeping us together. The kids also fear their mother because these episodes are random and you cannot prepare for it. When she is fine, my wife is the most amazing wonderful loving caring sensitive person you will ever meet. I have not met anyone who met her when she was like this who did not love her. I can never fault her on this part because she is a total angel. It’s when the demon sets in that I worry about. I don’t know what to do. I used to think even thinking of divorce was cruel of me but for better or worse really has turned into a scary thing for me. She has an idea of how I feel not because I treat her badly but a person can tell when a person is pulling away. I tried to stop pulling away but I cannot help it.

Does anyone have advice for me on what to do?

Thank You

Abused Husband

24 thoughts on “Majuba 17

  1. Dear abused husband you are actually not abused…your wife has psychological least you did not say she is crazy…instead of you being afraid of her and planning to divorce her rather seek an emotional and psychological support from a professional (psychologist and social worker)…understand her condition. ..why does she loose it….it’s very clear that your wife is a good person.

    1. No offence but they did consult a professional because he says she was diagnosed with this condition so I am sure they went through the professional psychologist route and anyway those people dont really solve problems per se especially these kind they just allow you to vent and give the affected person medication to make them sleep etc.

  2. You really are in a difficult situation abused husband. Here is my two cents worth,in all honesty I think you should stay with your wife. That woman needs you now more then ever,make her feel loved,show her the appreciation you have,make her feel wanted,like you said she is the sweetest person ever when she doesn’t have these episodes. This diagnoses is stressful for also,i’m sure she feels worthless and a burden to you but if you do the above mentioned making her feel accepted for who she is and supported at all times,i’m sure the stress will decrease,the episodes wont be as much. Now don’t get me wrong,i’m not saying its your fault,i’m saying that she has already lost self esteem in herself which piles on the stress. Be there for her,show your kids what commitment to your spouse is and those kids will grow up seeing a hero in you. Your wife will live knowing she has a pillar of strength. It will be hard but please my guy do your best,love her as much as can. Do it all for her,as you said shes only ever bad when her episodes happen,so love her sweet side as deep as you can,understand that her episodes aren’t her choice. Be that hero you have always wanted to be.

    1. Great advise, he seems like a wonderful man himself who had been dealt quite a hand. I suffer from depression and see sometimes how helpless my husband feels. When I am feeling good I love him insanely, because when I don’t his love and patience get me through it all

      1. Yeah he is a good man pity some people are judging him for going through moments of weakness and doubt. Under these circumstances almost all of us would feel the same or worse we would have left long time ago. This guy has been going through this for 6 years. Even now he has not given up since he came here to seek for advice. I salute his effort!

  3. Thanks Mikeesto, awesome one buddy.

    Husband, One cannot begin to imagine what life must be like under these conditions, for the kids, for you and more especially for your wife. There are ways to deal and treat such cases though, be it ASD or PTSD, it can be treated. Your aim should be to learn as much as you possibly can about all 5types of these disorders, figure out what might’ve caused your wife to suffer from this. Learn ways and methods of how to deal with such, it’s easier now because everything is right there on the internet. No need to be spending countless thousands on shrinks unless it’s absolutely necessary.

    You need to remember why you love this woman, remember that she didn’t ask for this, it’s not like she went and got pregnant by another man, this is simply out of her control and yours. You can’t pull out now, that’s cowardice, how will your children look at you knowing you abandoned their mother, because you didn’t have the spine to support her through this. It may seem easy for me from this side coz I don’t deal with what you deal with at home, but that is YOUR home, that is YOUR wife. If you going to divorce and leave her, leave with her kids even, are you then not condemning the poor woman to death?

    It may be hard my man, such is life though so toughen up and be strong for your woman she needs you now more than you need your sense of security to live with no harm. If she does become the end of you, God forbid, You would’ve fallen an honourable man, lord knows too few of those in this day and age.


  4. Dear Husband, thank you for taking care of her. In our culture mental illness is frowned upon and people are called all sorts of horrid names and treated inhumanely. Unfortunately the person with the illness will get medical support and there is no support for those living with her. YOU and your children all need support psychologically because you too are affected by it and information on how to deal and help her in her illness. Read up on it, as Athi said get help from professionals, try get into contact with Mental Illness SA organisation and seek help not just for her, but for you and your children too. I am sorry that you feel unsafe around her, I am sorry that you are losing such a beautiful woman and partner and love and companionship because of this illness. You are not alone just reach out and there is help for you out there.

    If you divorce her now, you will feel immense guilt and it will drive her deeper into her illness. And the kids? I wish you all the best and praying that your marriage and family survives this and becomes a beacon of hope for other families going through the same thing. Hang in there buddy.

    PS: you are not a victim, you are not abused. Take a step back and deal with this from a different perspective!

  5. Husband you are not abused at all, she has no control over what is happenning in her life. So you will divorce her and take the kids with? Don’t be selfish, no one promised you happy days forever. What happened to the vows you made when you said in sickness and in health? Well this is the sickness part, support your wife, read up on her illness. How would you feel if the the situations were reversed and she was the one wanting to end things with you? I personally feel like you are selfish and marriage is not about that life shame. Seek counselling sessions for yourself and read up on the sickness of your wife and support her, make your kids understand that their mom is not a monster but is sick

  6. Abused Husband

    Something doesn’t add up about your letter. You’re portraying yourself as a sweet guy but i suspect you must have done something to drive this woman insane…. why was she diagnosed shortly after your wedding?
    I think you leaving might be the best thing to happen to her. Go and leave the children with her, don’t turn them against their mother because they will grow up and see you for what you trully are.

  7. Abused, please gather your last bit of strength and help her. I’m emotional as I’m typing this because my mother is exactly like that and it is not her fault, she didn’t choose to be like that. She was violent but was not so violent towards my father. She just breaks furniture and beats up my younger sister when I’m not around. She’s tried to beat me as well but I retaliate with all my strength, mind you, she’s a big 50 year old woman, and I feel bad later because she’s the sweetest person you could ever think of.She’s been like that since I was young, I’m in my early twenties now. But unfortunately my father left us with our mother like this and I had to grow up real fast. We have taken her to psychiatrist everywhere but she’d be fine for a few days then back to square 1. They also try to declare her medically unfit for work but her psychiatrists did not allow that because she has kids she has to feed. This is when I gave it all to God. You need to be spiritually strong. God gave u this type of problem for a reason. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. And thieves never break into an empty home, the devil wouldn’t attack your wife if she had nothing. As you grow spiritually you won’t want to divorce her trust me, you will become slow to anger or hardly even get angry at all. I had so much anger towards my father for leaving us and my mother for not healing , but I got delivered from all that anger and now I’m strong for my mother. When that anger comes, u need to resist it hey. Pray, teach your kids to pray. Understand that the devil doesn’t rest so u should not take a break from prayer. My life is changing right now because I give it to the Lord With faith and fasting.

  8. And, don’t make any decisions right now because you are emotional. Strengthen yourself first, or even seek help yourself as well. Because it’s not wise to make big decisions based on emotions. You need your mind to be strong

  9. Abused Husband

    i must say i feel your pain considering i have been and live with the same challenge daily, when i met my wife then girlfriend she told me about her condition and i accepted until she tried to kill herself and taking her the hospital and seeing in being admitted in the pysch ward killed me but i didn’t stop loving her although it become more difficult to love her. Needless to say a year later we got married and we are happy and our kids are happy, the medication helped and my support and the family and friends. Most often we hide these, but i suggest get all the help from all around you, leaving her or pitting her only makes things worse, she is still the same person you fell in love with and you has the husband need to support her not to be thinking of a way out. you said for better or worse, sickness and in health, well these are those times. An easy way out always seems like the best option but please don’t take the easy way out.

  10. Dear husband

    I have never been in your situation but as a married man myself I understand you must be going through great pain. Marriage alone is hard work even without a sick wife so for you its double or triple the hard work. Well done for staying the course even though other people might have different opinions but I take my hat off for you for staying this long women tend to handle this type of pain better than us but us men struggle with this. We are solution oriented and when there is none we move on. So well done for keeping your vows no one is perfect so don’t condemn yourself for thinking of divorce we all have moments of doubt and weakness. My advice is different from the rest. Don’t disregard the help of medical professionals but lets be honest they don’t cure mental issues. As educated people we often look down on what we don’t understand in fact educated people are very ignorant because they tend to think they know it all and therefore cannot receive help from vessels that they don’t understand because to them it is foolishness because some scientist out there said because it cannot be tested or proven therefore it does not work nor exist although they themselves have never experienced it. Your life as we know it is not only in the physical but it is mainly in the spiritual. Once the spirit leaves the body that is when a person is declared to be dead. So my advice work on the spiritual and the body will be healed. Yes your wife has mainly a mental or emotional problem and since the doctors cannot cure it what do you have to lose by trying other options? Find a good Bible believing, Jesus Christ preaching church that believes in the Holy Spirit and in healing. Take your wife there attend and be committed learn more about God and the Bible don’t just go there only for healing. I promise you your wife will be healed and you will live a life of good health, joy and peace (3 John 1:2). Forget about peoples opinions they wont lead you anywhere worthwhile search for God’s opinion. It is the only one that matters. Keep fighting the good fight don’t mind those who accuse you of being selfish they have never been in your shoes and most likely will never be! Salute!

  11. Dear husband ..I agree fully with child of God …Life is a spirit whatever that manifests in the physical body starts in a person’s spirit and soul, in this case in the mind which is part of the soul. To heal the body you need to heal the mind and there is no better medicine than the Word of God.

  12. Abused husband
    You need a support structure. You need to befriend people who are going through the same thing. Ask her psychologist if there’s any support group to join, for people caring for others who have the same condition as your wife. Even people caring for HIV+ positive people have support groups. You are not alone, the fact that you’re dealing with this with people who are not in your shoes is what frustrates you. Leaving her is not really a solution. You’ll miss her when you’re with someone else of you really love her

  13. You are going through a tough phase my guy, but Modimo ona le wena. My spouse o na le depression, he is sweet and protecting. the most caring and loving man i have ever met. but when he goes through this phase which seems to be so random as we wouldnt have agrued or fought. i asked him to get a journal begining of this year and make a table of 3 columns. the name of a person,what you recall they did that hurts you and the forgivess column. for example, My sister << she always took my little sister's side when ever we were in a argument (write as many things you(she) recalls about a person) <<i now forgive her of this hurt (only right this when in your heart of heart you truly forgive them, otherwise leave it blank and pray about it.

    you can test the waters with this yourself before you sugest it to the wifey but what i can say is this my husband tried it and he still at it it seems to help some how. they other day he told me that he didnt realise he still has some issues with his siblings that are hindering them from forming a relationship because of their past. on a light note he is been great this year like super we havent exprience those episods yet.

    ***love is a special thing if you have it do the best you can to see it grow ***

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