Something changed in us girls a long time ago. A lot of people think it was a sudden thing that older men became attractive to us when they coined the word blesser but that’s like saying our fathers did not exist before which is
obviously impossible. My father to me had never been a man I considered a young girl like me would find attractive. I mean he is just dad. He is not bad looking at all but he has always been old I guess in my eyes. Sam was in no way the first older man I had ever had a thing with but he was the first one I could use the word blesser with. It was purely financial because I do not think I had feelings for him. I could see that he was starting to develop something for me and that for now was something I could handle. I had however noticed that Khanyi had become more and more lonely the closer I got to him and she was looking for action on her side.
“I am sorry that you think I have a thing for your father. I really don’t. I am sorry that you think I am after Sam, it is what it is! He is not my type and much as I like money I don’t like him that much.”
She said. I think she was trying to joke but I think we were past that stage.
“I just don’t want complications. I think my father is trying to get back with my mother meaning I don’t want it not working for any reason!”
I told her. I was serious too. He had come to the house and they were talking again. Normally that did not happen in our lives so I wanted it to work. Allowing her to mess that up was therefore too big to ignore.
“I am sorry again. I don’t have his number anymore. I will not take his number if ever it’s offered to me. Please let’s move on from this. I am already feeling uncomfortable with this. Your dad is like my dad, without the fighting! I would never go there and I will have to prove that to you on a day by day basis!”
She said. I did not want to pursue this any further was necessary. As long as she knew my feelings about it. I would have to watch her a bit closer.
I asked her.
“Like I said earlier, it felt like he was trying to interrogate me. That’s all that happened. What happened with you and Neo?”
She asked me. I told her about his mom but now I was not sure whether I had told her already or not. I was just confused with all this engagement stuff. I had so much to work through in my mind.
“Neo gave me this!”
I told her taking out the ring out of my pocket! She looked at me and covers her mouth with both hands before she removed them and said,
Her sentiments were exactly how I felt. How is it that it felt as though he had crossed a line he should not have?
“Yes that happened and now I don’t know what to do!”
I told her.
“Did you say yes?”
“Of course I said yes but under duress because there were people around us. I almost said no but I was never going to embarrass him like that. Now I find myself admitting that I possibly said yes to avoid humiliating him!”
I sighed after I said this.
“Do you still love Neo?”
She asked me with a serious look on her face.
“Of course I love him and you know this!”
I responded shocked that she would even ask when the answer to that was pretty obvious. There was a time when Neo was my life.
“I am asking because your doubts make it clear that something has changed in you and on how you feel about him!”
She told me. Not that I was one who looked forward to marriage but I used to fantasize about marrying this boy even Khanyi knew this.
“Neo is a good guy. He does not deserve this!”
I told her as I sat on her bed. My heart was breaking because I had brought us to this point. I had done all this just so I can get a trip to Dubai and shopping.
“He does not and much as I love Neo, you know I do, maybe you need to love him enough to tell him the truth about how you feel about his engagement before it’s too late!”
She was giving me the advice I had given myself so I knew what she meant deep down. It was not something I had not thought of.
“How do I do that? Look at the state his mother is in. It’s bad. I can’t break his heart at a time like this. I am trapped!”
I told her and I was right. I dumping him now would be particularly cruel and ruthless hence why it could not happen.
“I just think you are handling this whole thing wrong if I can say so myself. I don’t know what your plans with Sam are but Sam is just for fun. You can’t possibly think that you and him have a future. Neo is more important than Sam and there are not many Neo’s around out there!”
She warned me. Where did that come from?
“So are you saying I must dump Sam?”
I asked her with suspicion in my voice and she picked it up immediately.
“I am saying if you lose Neo you will regret it for the rest of your life that’s all. You do what you want with Sam but losing Neo will be a disaster. Be very careful how you handle this engagement thing!”
She warned me yet again. Now I was more confused than ever. She was right about Neo being one of a kind. The guy worshipped me and not many men worship a woman. As we were talking my phone rang and guess who, Sam! I had said he could come through.
“Hey, I am outside!”
He said as soon as I picked up the phone. With everything that Khanyi had said swirling around my head I went downstairs to meet him. I was so confused.
“You didn’t bring a bag!”
He said to me as soon as I got into the car. His engine was still running as though he had expected to drive off as soon as I sat down. He had so much anticipation in his tone as he asked that.
“Yes I know. I am writing exams remember!”
I reminded him. For some reason he had forgotten that. In student world the time for exams is taken seriously. We don’t forget where we are and what we are doing. Very rarely would find the clubs full of us come exam time.
“O yes but why did you say I can pick you up then?”
He asked me with a slight tone of anger in his voice.
“You haven’t even asked how I am and already you are fighting. Come on now! What’s going on with you? You are scaring me!”
I told him. I figured that telling him that he was scaring me would calm him down but nope, it only excited him more!
“Since when do I scare you?”
He asked me clearly annoyed at that statement.
“Well look how you are reacting, you are the one that always says that nothing is more important than my education and the moment I tell you I am writing exams you freak out!”
I explained to him using his own words against him. For most people using their own words against them is quite defeating and even for Sam. Sam like this thing of being seen as this responsible citizen since he was a leader at work.
“Can I show you the timetable? It’s here on my phone! I don’t want you thinking for one second that I do not want to be with you!”
I told him. I had the exam time table in my email and it was no joke that I really had exams.
He said. I am not sure whether it was because he did not trust what I said or it was now to show that I cared for education.
I took out my phone and searched for the email until I found it.
“Goodness what a congested timetable!”
He said when he went through it.
“At this rate I will never see you!”
He said concerned.
“I doubt that but think of it this way, the faster I write, the faster I finish and then I am free as a bird. Imagine if I was writing over three weeks? Now that would be a problem!”
I told him and he nodded his head in agreement. I was getting through to him.
“Yes I get your point but it means that you literally have two days after exams and next thing you are in Dubai!”
He complained and again he was right. I had not seen it that way and finally Dubai was happening. It felt like this Dubai thing had been hanging over my head forever.
“Yes I know but again you making it seem like I am dying!”
And at that he laughed.
“No love not like that. I just want to spend a bit more time with you that’s all.”
He said. I don’t know why for some reason as he said that I thought of my parents. I still had not found what I was going to tell them. Where was I going to say I was going where there is no network! His phone rang as I was thinking this. As the car was still idling the phone rang through the car and he picked it up!
“Hello baby, where are you I just got back home?”
A woman’s voice said.
“Got back home? I thought you said you coming back tomorrow!”
He asked the voice!
“I did but Cape Town was not for me and I missed my husband. Is that a crime?”
“No its not. I am at the office. I will be home in about two hours!”
He told her. This was the first time I was hearing her voice in his car but something struck me, the voice was way too familiar and I am not talking about when she called me on the way to my mini vacation.
Where did I know it from?
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Thank you for reading my letter and greetings to my fellow readers.
I am 37 years old and have been married to my husband for 12 years. He is a powerful and well known pastor. When he built his ministry I stood by him. We started off in a tent in the township and managed to build a big church that has a lot of followers. In fact we are the biggest church in our township in Joburg which I won’t mention for obvious reasons. Everything was fine until three years ago when my husband insisted on buying an expensive car to show our “blessings”. I was opposed to it. It was not what I signed up to as I do not believe in pastors that show off their wealth. We built the church on humble principles but now he wants us to leave the township to get a big house in one of the expensive suburbs. He says it’s because of crime and I think it’s because he won’t have a place to park his big car. I refused that car 3 years ago and our marriage suffered because of it. He grew distant and moody towards me. A year ago he had an affair with a church member but was caught out by the church committee who reprimanded him. It was not me that found out but I was devastated. I don’t trust him anymore and three months ago I found out that he had put in a deposit for the house somewhere in Midrand. He did this without my agreeing and forced issues. He has told me that if I want to stay in the township I must stay because he is moving there no matter what. I am a God fearing woman and these things of wealth was not how my marriage was built upon yet now they are threatening to destroy us. I don’t want to lose my husband. I love him. I have tried to compromise on house and car by suggesting cheaper reasonable and he has refused to listen.
How do I get my husband back in line? As a pastor he is brilliant but he is losing his way. Even his sermons have become about money and wealth something which I see we are starting to lose congregants.