Most friendships are based on lies. I have been dying to say this for so long but it never quite came out right. We
pretend to our friends to stay relevant but the truth is, what you had in common often is not what you desire as you get older. People change and you can wake up one morning and realize that the person you called your best friend ten years ago has become a stranger. That’s most of us girls and that’s why we don’t have our childhood friends anymore. There is nothing like saying ‘above all friendship comes first’ because it’s not true. The moment you say that is the moment that you mess up your life because having someone else’s back means often you compromise your own standards to take care of theirs.
Khanyi had totally judged me. How could she say that? A true friend does not judge! She was there when I started this thing with Sam and now she was basically say I was such a whore and not in the girlfriend kind of way. So this is what she thinks of me and all because she is the one who encouraged me to date him for all the benefits we were both enjoying. I stood there in my room for a good five minutes not knowing whether to shout, scream or just cry at my stupidity.
“I still love you though even though you think so lowly of me! Your dad is my dad just like that psycho I call my father is your psycho father too!”
She said when she walked back into the room. I think the blank look on my face alerted her to the fact that I was not happy with what she had said. I kept quiet.
“What? Are you angry now?”
She asked me and she was right to ask because I was boiling. If it was during the day I would have kicked her disloyal ass out. Again I did not respond.
“O come on though Palesa, if you and I don’t discuss these things together who will discuss it for us then?”
She asked me.
“But how is telling me that I am a home wrecker who is going to get what’s coming to them a discussion?”
I asked her.
“Ok if you put it like that I am sorry, that came out harsh. It was not my finest moment nor was it the point I was trying to put across. I am sorry ok!”
“What was your point then? I want to hear it because I did not expect you to ever say such to me?”
I asked her. We had to get to the bottom of this otherwise we were not sleeping tonight.
“All I was saying is …”
She stopped; I don’t think she had anything to say.
I asked her aggressively. She had meant what to say and yes it might have come out but the truth often comes out when you least expect it and this is what had just happened.
“This looks bad but I swear it’s not what I meant and you know it. You hurt me by saying that I was after your father. I tried to hurt you back without trying to fully understand you and I am sorry. That really was not my intention!”
You see that was a better apology not the rubbish she had given before. Maybe I should stop being too hard on her and let it go.
“Ok cool then. I am sorry for what I said too but truth be told now that I am doing this thing I am doing, I fully appreciate what it is we young girls do. ITs like we are innocent of all crimes and all the blame can be placed and the men.”
She said. I don’t know how that managed to come out but goodness it sounded so profound. Men are always blamed for being sugar daddies as though the young girls they prey on are dumb and stupid enough to not make up their own decisions.
“True I guess but I want to hear where you are going with this, please continue…”
She said encouraging me. I am not sure if she was genuinely interested in hearing my thoughts or it was just to appease me but I was on a roll now I guess.
“Think of it this way, how many older men have hit on us growing up?”
I asked her.
She responded but with this pensive look on her face.
“Yes a lot and how many of those did we date?”
I asked her again. I was engaging her in an intellectual debate on dating so she better be paying attention.
“Very few if at all!”
“Yes. We were told how mature we were for rejecting their advances. We were told that we made good decisions and that these men where immature to even ask us out. They were the pariahs and blah blah blah!”
I said she laughed.
“What’s blah blah blah, have you run out of points?”
She asked and I laughed and said no.
“My point is why is it the day I, a university student that can stop the country in a #feesmustfall movement said yes I am called a victim! I am super smart that’s why I went into university in the first place yet people make it sound like when he came to ask me out I all of a sudden lost the ability to reason and make a rational decision? It’s like he brainwashed me when I consciously said yes to his advances after having rejected so many! Think about that!”
I told her.
“If this was a movie they would be playing that background music at the this stage because damn this was inspirational.”
I said and we both laughed. Crisis averted we were on the same page again and the friendship was back on track. Somehow it was in that moment that I realized that this was my life and I should live it as I pleased. This thing of constantly seeking approval does not work. My phone was ringing and it was Neo.
He said when I picked up.
“How are you?”
“I am good thanks. I thought you were not going to call since you were working!”
“I am busy but it’s rather tense. I had these two girls in my cab who were accusing us Uber driver for being rapists and abusive towards them!”
He said. I could hear he was feeling down.
“Why would they do that though out of the blue?”
I asked him.
“You have missed out. There have been incidents of such and one video even went viral!”
He went on to explain what he was talking about and it made me pause, the service all of a sudden sounded so dodgy. Uber for many of us students means peace of mind and reliability but if I could not even go to them freely then indeed I understood where the girls were coming from.
“I am sure the girls were only venting their frustrations out on you, they were not calling you a rapist per se!”
I told him.
“It’s so frustrating though. I am hardworking and decent but now I am being cast under the same shadow as every bad person out there. I need my Uber to make money and if I can’t make this money I am screwed!”
He said. This was the Neo I knew. He was not scared to open up. Most men have a tendency of hiding their fears even if it’s something that is actually harming them. Neo would open up and tell me exactly what was in his heart. That’s why I loved him. He never pretended to be close minded.
“I am sure this will pass baby. Just make sure you are safe when you are driving out there because I don’t want these girls attacking you!”
I told him and he made a half hearted laugh.
“How was your dinner? Did your parents survive it?”
He asked me and again we laughed.
“Well it went perfectly even though dad left rather suddenly without explanation. I am actually going to call him and ask him why he did that!”
I told him. We chatted a few minutes longer then that was that. My mother came to my room.
“Khanyi, would you mind if I slept with Palesa today? You have her every other day and I get her so briefly!”
She was saying as I got off the phone! Ah crap, I didn’t want to sleep with my mom. She kicks in her sleep I kid you not but then again, to her I had tried to commit suicide so there was no way she would be letting her eyes off me. Not today anyway.
“Its fine mma I don’t mind.”
Khanyi said. My mum didn’t even ask me and I don’t think I was going to let her do it in any case. I am mature enough to know why it needed to be done. I was in for a late night talk.
“I thought you were going to refuse to come!”
She said when we finally got into bed.
“Why would I though?”
I asked her.
“I don’t know, you raise your daughters with all the love in the world and you tell yourself that you know them so well but you are always wrong. They grow up and make their own decisions which can leave you so flabbergasted because you thought you raised them better!”
She was saying. My decision to “commit suicide” was what was being questioned here and well, it had to.
“I remember when you were young; you used to love stealing your sisters Nespray. I would get so angry when you stole it and shout at you. Your father would come in and tell you not to make me angry because I loved you very much. He was right, that love I had for you meant that at no point did I ever hit you for it and to this day I love you so much I would never want to hurt you!”
She said. She was lying, she had whopped my ass a couple of times but it was not out of malice but love. Sometimes I thought she was being irrational but truth is I would have done something for her to reach that point.
“I am sorry mom and I love you too. I don’t know why I had such a lapse of judgment and it will never happen again!”
I told her. I found myself crying too because much as I know the truth, I accept I had really hurt the people that I loved, myself included.
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
I have been refreshing my page since Friday and there has been no post. Please don’t tell me you have stopped writing because your work is the future! Greetings to all the readers.
I have a problem. I have been sleeping with a colleague from work. I am married two kids and am 36 he is 39. We started having the affair about 9 months ago and now he is falling in love. I tried to break it off and he threatened to tell my husband. If he does I will be ruined, my family will be ruined and even his will be ruined. I don’t know what to do because he is practically blackmailing me for sex and I find I can’t say no because this threat scares me that much. His wife can forgive him for cheating as he has cheated before but much as I believe my husband loves me, he will never forgive me. I don’t want my children growing up knowing that their mom broke up the marriage because she was unfaithful. I love my husband and I know cheating does not send that message to you and your readers but sometimes mistakes really do happen and I made the ultimate one. Please give me advice on how to stop him from sleeping with me as well as exposing my secret.