Y.E.S 61

Posted on Posted in Young Employed and Single

“If someone loves you they will be patient. They will never pressure you for sex but if they do be very comfortable in the knowledge that after the sex there is a huge possibility your relationship won’t last.” Mike Maphoto

I am a person of my word. That’s the one thing I pride myself for. I had promised Ntheteng I would go with her and I had to keep my word. The problem is that it had totally slipped my mind and even if it had not happened like that, the fact that her father had kicked me out his house the other day meant I had failed to keep up that momentum with her. I was shifting the blame to him because this means this might not even have happened. He was angry at me about Azwindini of which I was angry at him too. Just because a man came looking for me did not give him the right to think otherwise of me. He should have asked first. Now I looked like some cheap girl simply because he did not ask. Irony was he did not hesitate allowing me to take his daughter to school. That showed some twisted loyalties and judgment right there.

“She has been talking about it all day. I didn’t want to call you because I thought you would be… Busy!”

He said in an offish kind of way. I knew what he was hinting at. He meant Azwindini. I could have snapped back but Ntheteng was staring at me with those big brown eyes. How could I be busy with that idiot really?

“I am never too busy for Ntheteng. I just need to go freshen up!”

I told her patting her on the head.

“Please don’t take long because daddy says we are already behind time!”

She reminded me. I should never have come here. Kids have a way of going straight to your heart and she had just played me silly. Not only was I going to a school play I was also going there as her mother. How did I become this person?

“Don’t worry am good with time!”

I told her. I went to my place and took a quick shower. I needed to feel fresh but the shower was faster than I hoped but it was better than nothing.


I said when she picked up.

“Crap I am running late but am almost done. I have this new makeup I am trying out you are going to love it I promise you!”

She said. She sounded so excited. I didn’t know what to make of this? She was supposed to be in mourning and people who mourn do not react like this. What was going on here? Something was seriously wrong.

“I am sure I am but unfortunately Cindy we have to postpone our date…”

I said to her ultra cautiously. I knew it was not going to go well.

“Say what?”

She asked me.

“We can postpone for about two hours, not cancel, or move it tomorrow!”

I told her. She went quiet for a moment then she asked,

“What could be so important that you can’t spend just an hour of your precious time with me after I lost my baby?”

She went straight for the jugular there, damn!

“No it’s not that. I had prior plans. Remember I told you about my neighbor Mbuso, I am taking his daughter to the school concert. I signed up last week and its tonight!”

I explained to her.

“Wait a minute, you hardly know this kid, I have been your best friend for years and you choose her over me! I just lost my child and you choose her?”

She asked incredulously. She sounded very disappointed which made me feel even guiltier.

“It’s not like that. I can’t break my promise Cindy it won’t be right.”

I told her.

“Why don’t you come with us?”

I asked in what I thought would be a fair compromise. I had to at least try to be seen to be doing something. Instead she laughed, no, wrong word, she scoffed at me.

“Are you for real right now? I lost my baby and now you want to go surround me with children?”

She asked me and immediately I regretted asking that. Its my fault really though because I should have foreseen it.

“I am sorry I didn’t mean to be insensitive!”

I told her.

“What did you mean to be then? Of all the places I wanted to be today was with you. You are my friend. I should come first. You know if the roles were reversed I would never ever have you as second!”

Much as she was guilt tripping me the truth is she was telling the truth. I have been in sticky situations and Cindy had dropped everything for me.

“Ok then I will cancel with Ntheteng and her father but Cindy it really puts me in a bad position. The play is only for an hour and a half and I will be with you I promise.”

I reassured her.

“Its fine go for your thing!”

She said and she hung up. She did not even give me a chance to respond this time. The guilt I felt was immense. Cindy had always been a true friend and never let me down. She put me first always and I appreciated that immensely. This not just any other day when she was requesting me, her baby had died and I was yet to see her.

“Can we leave now its getting late?”

Mbuso said standing by the door. He was wearing an evening jacket which made him look so good.

“Yes we can leave! Sorry for the delay!”

I told him.

“Its ok, I understand that you had to bath.”

He said.

“You look good by the way and thank you for doing this!”

He said.

“Its fine.”

I told him.

“Are we using two cars or one?”

I asked him.

“Let’s use the one. It makes more sense in any case. Why would her parents come in two cars?”

He asked me and we laughed. She was already waiting in her father’s car meaning it was obvious which car we would be using.

“Are you ready?”

I asked her as I sat down. I noted that her father opened and closed the door for me.

“Yes I am ready. This will be fun. My school has so many people and I have so many friends. I am going to introduce to everybody!”

She said super excited. She really had been looking forward to this. I was going to be her mom but was what I doing wise. What if her father and I did not work? It would mean I am faking it for her to only set herself up for heartbreak.

“So how far is your school?”

I asked her.

“Its not that far but I can’t tell you in kilomeners I still don’t know!”

She explained.

“Kilometres baby not kilomeners!”

He corrected her. I did not laugh even though it was funny. The school was not that far actually, she was right. When we got there was no where to park. Don’t all these parents have lives!

“We have to take her to her class!”

Mbuso said.

“That’s where they are gathering. From there we have to go find our seats.”

He explained. It was fun walking through all these kids. They were so young but you could see that they felt they were bigger and knew it all. Ntheteng was pointing out all the places from tuck-shop to pool just for me to get acquainted with her school. Eventually we got to the classroom.

“Miss Marizel come meet my mum!”

She said as soon as we got to the class. Crap this was wrong. It was one thing lying to kids who would not ask too many questions but to adults it was another thing all together.

“Mrs. Gama, finally we get to meet you. She has been talking about you all day. I am so glad you made it!”

The teacher said to me and gave me a hug. Yup, a hug, very happy teacher this one.

“I hope I will be around more often now so I can see her!”

I told her.

“Yes I hope so too. I can’t imagine life in the army. She says you are in the navy. I have a cousin who used to be in it and he said the six months at sea where tough. Are you in the submarines or boats!”

She asked me.

“Submarine unfortunately!”

I lied. Why did I lie? Why didn’t I just tell her that I was not her father? I had just lied to Ntheteng’s teacher imagine. I was rather ashamed with myself. There would be many more awkward moments that night but I handled them like a pro. This kid knew everyone and she introduced me to everyone. By the time we were done I was exhausted and had lost track of time. It was already 930pm.

“Goodness, I have to call Cindy!”

I told Mbuso on the way back. He was driving. I called her and she did not pick up the phone. I sent her a message apologizing and she still did not reply. I was tired but this meant when I got home I had to go and see her.

“I can’t find her. She is angry at me. I had promised to do drinks with her earlier and it clashed with this. I am going to have to drive there now after this.

I told Mbuso. He had not met Cindy yet.

“I am sorry for that. I can drive you there if you want!”

“No thanks. Its something I have to do on my own. She had a still birth so she is going through something right now.”

I explained to him.

“That’s a tough one. I really am sorry to hear that.

He said to me.

“Tonight was great though and sorry for all those introductions. She can be hectic when she is happy!”

What a choice of words! By saying she was happy he was implying I caused that happiness so I must not go away.

“I am glad I could be of assistance!”

Like I said the school was not far. We were already back at our place.

“I think I must carry this little one in!”

Mbuso said.

“I am awake daddy. I can walk in by myself. Please Lungi come tuck me in. Daddy please can I bath in the morning I am very tired!”

She said all at one go.

“Of course I will tuck you in. Run ahead and put on your pjs!”

I said. Her father gave her the keys. He had to take out some things in the boot which I helped him with. When we got into the house she was already in her pjs and brushing her teeth.

“That was fast!”

I told her. She rinsed her mouth and ran into her bedroom. I just followed her.

“Do you want me to read you a bedtime story?”

I asked her looking around.

“Not today. I just wanted you to come in and say goodnight. I also wanted to say thank you. You make my daddy smile!”

Heh banna, this kid! She was busy playing matchmaker at my expense!

“Ok then. Goodnight Ntheti!”

I told her and I kissed her on the forehead. I walked out and met the dad at the door. He had gone down again to bring yet another box.

“Let me walk you to your place!”

He said.

“Ok thanks!”

We walked in silence. I had left my car keys inside so needed to get them so I could go. As I was fiddling inside my bag for the house keys I felt him move closer behind me. He turned me around as I had my back towards him facing the door. He pushed me against the door and he kissed me.

It was deliciously soft yet firm and decisive!

My knees felt like butter.


He said and he walked away to his place leaving me standing there motionless, too stunned to move.

*******The End**********

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Hi Mike and fellow readers,

Thank you for your good work it really open our eyes.
I am 31 and my fiance/boyfriend is 37. We have been together for 9years now. He paid lobola two years into our relationship when we were expecting our first born. Today its 9 years later we still not legally married. He is been dragging this for all these years using all lame excuses you can ever find in the book. Now this year I said to him we must finalise this next year and he agreed but @ that time seemed like he just agreed for me to get off his back. Few months down the line he said he forgot what we discussed.

Nevertheless I reminded him and he said from now on he will be hands-on with savings and planning, since then he hasn’t said anything else.
I feel like we are running out of time and there so much has not been discussed like marriage contracts which I highlighted to him that I prefer ANC with accrual and he didn’t get back to me, who is going to provide which service as this is planned for April 2017 and it’s just around the corner. (Ante Nuptial Contract (ANC) with accrual means: Each partner states the value of their respective assets at the beginning of marriage. Thereafter any assets are shared 50/50. One can state that specific assets be excluded from the accrual, such an inheritances, donations etc.)

I want to ask him but I feel like I am pushing.

Has anyone been in this situation and how did you handle it ?

Ms L

48 thoughts on “Y.E.S 61

  1. Thanks Mikeesto, I love the developments here, it just makes for an incredible read always.

    Ms L, Bo Baleka Mbete got married at sixty what what… Dont worry boo, theres alot of time left for you guys. As far as the contract you want to pursue for your union, its smart but it could turn this guy off. Mara nani guys, 9 years later? I thought the lobola part was difficult. Anyway you need to be stern with this guy coz he doesnt seem to take you seriously. Put your foot down and demand your ceremony.


    1. Why black people discredir their own marriage. What is Lobola? I don’t understand why black people will feel like being lobola is being engaged which is not. When lobola is paid u are the wife/umakoti. Sometimes woman can make us guys be excited over white wedding than our own tradition. It’s such a turn off when u pay lobola and your wife still wants a white wedding like you haven’t done anything for her yet. White wedding was never African and at times women wants us to celebrate that more than our own culture. Check your man if he is more culture. Rather u ask him that u want to celebrate your union with a white dress walking down the isle than to say u not married to him because honestly what were his cows for? How does he feel that you undermine his efforts of marrying you culturally? Do you consider your child born out of wed loc? To me you are married u just need the glids n glam celebration n sadly u r running out of time for who n for what?

          1. Is it not a white man tradition to walk down the aisle, but you know I don’t know other people tradition but in my culture the ancestors are involved when the lobola is done goats are slaughtered and rituals done to join or introducing the ancestors from either family and to introduce umakoti to her new family.

      1. Maybe Its just a customary union/marrigae… this may leave room all kinds of problems in the future, in terms of death, inheritance of their kids (in laws want to take everything etc) like ThatGirl is saying its best to have a contact to avoid head/heartaches in the future…. it might even prevent him from taking another wife, traditionally….

      2. You are totally wrong, lobola is a gift to the females family thanking them for taking care if her for you and proving that you will continue to do so, they are not married amadlozi awamazi nje if engathelwanga ngenyongo and engabanga…. White wedding is morden yes but nje laba abashadile at all Traditional wedding osaphoqa

  2. QnA much as I am pro marriage I am in total disagreement with you Ms L. You sold like you are happily together with this man yet your focus on marriage and that wedding is blinding you from what you have. Will the marriage make him richer, wiser, more good looking, a God what? What changes so much from how you are today whether you are wearing a ring or not. You can’t tell me peace of mind because for 9 years you were with him and have a 7 year old son. Don’t be fooled by a piece of paper because it will never for one day mean he loves you more or less.

  3. Ta Mike
    This Cindy girl ‘s got a problem really n she thinks life revolves around her.Yes she had a stillbirth but dat doesn’t give her permit to control Lungi cos she too has her own problems to deal with.
    Eix this kid is sumthing else u knw,i Lyk her though.
    Ms L lerato le fedile n u cnt do anything ka yona.

  4. lol.. Ms L.. you tryna pull a brangelina on your relationship.. dont be so pushy.. rather sit him down and try to understand why he’s dragging his feet about all this. He probably doesnt even want to get married and paid lobola because it was “expected” of him.. dont force for marriage only to end up divorced in a couple of years.. Rather work on reigniting the passion in your relationship or something..

    As for Mbuso le Lungi bona.. i too deserve such kisses yazi yhu

  5. Ms L marriage is a beautiful thing but both parties have to want it. Your fiancé doesn’t seem to be keen anymore pushing it will make both of you miserable and resentful. You didn’t go in details about your relationship but taking time off might me a good idea. As women we find ourselves trapped in unfortunate situations for other people.

  6. I am really falling in love with diary. Luigi must try by all means now not to disappoint Ntheti even thou shez not certain about the future with Mbuso whose forever playing hard to get.

  7. Thank you Bra Mike for the great read

    Ms L the first mistake we people make is getting a guy to pay for lobola and stay with that guy in the same house. culturally speaking until a guy pays off everything to your uncles you are not supposed to stay with him/his family, u are only allowed to visit. staying with that guy after the Lobola made your guy so much comfortable that he doesnt even see any reason to marry you or sign that paper you want so much.

    as for the assets the moment you want marriage and talk about dividing assets and staff it turns anyone off and shows that you are actually going into the marriage with the mind of getting a divorce in the near future. I for one, if my BF decides on marrying me and he starts talking about the assets, i will call off everything and look for someone else who is in it with everything.

    Good Luck Batho ba di Right

      1. lol I know hey!! We need to be realistic about life!! People will scam you into marriage just because you have assets/money!! Rather be safe than sorry and protect yourself

    1. Did you know in divorce a spouse can even claim a share of your pension(that you havent even spent yet) even uf theyve never worked a day in their life,even your parents house if it becomes yours…..zonke.Or that a bank can now repossess your assets over a debt your parner has…It’s not romantic to talk about assets’ but its the reality of life…after the love,we must be practical and forward thinking .

  8. Lets not try to discredit marriage contracts please.. those things have saved so many from devastation.. I for one wouldn’t run crying if my partner proposes we have one.. sometimes its not even about tryna keep a door open for divorce..sometimes you find yourself married to someone who’s involved in business that isn’t always certain to bring home the bacon.. your man gets liquidated and yall can at least have a leg to stand on with the assets that are in your name.. its not all doom an gloom

  9. Some of the comments here are so bizarre. Had to go back and read the question again. No advice was given here! Bathong!

    Ms L
    It’s possible that you’re going too fast and in ur panic throwing everything in ur fiance’s face. Have a list of things to do and slow down. Get family members involved from both sides.

    Ask ur fiance to give u his cheque/credit card then swipe for 4 or 5 wedding items you both cannot afford within 2 hours or spend 50% of the money. If that doesn’t wake him up to the fact that this wedding is happening nothing will but either way you win. There’s only 2 languages men understand, sex and money. It goes straight to the heart and you sure to get the reaction you so clearly need or his involvement, even if it’s just to keep tabs on ur spending.

  10. Miss L… right now you are married in Community of Property as customary marraiges stipulates in our law books… if you want to go home affairs to change it you can but he doesnt want to cos you want to complicate things, talk to him have a two way conversation as ANC will put terms and conditions on your union. but i suggest you dont break what is not broken. your negotiators signed two pieces of paper to unify your marraige making it legal.
    i have a questions for you
    Are you thinking of divorcing him?
    Is customary marraige not good enough for you?
    i am married Customarily for 3 years and dated him for 10 years before he proposed and i am proud of it and we are yet to go to home affairs to sign. And we do things together as we are a unit.
    So ANC is something that needs to be discussed and understood not said in passing as Men are sometimes sensitive creatures he might think that you want to leave him in the long run. this should have been discussed 9 years ago.

    1. Not true. lobola only is not customary marriage. It needs to be followed by celebration according to customs and more importantly, makoti must be handed over officially to the groom’s family. lobola is just first step.

  11. QnA Ms L, firstly what do u want dts de question u have to ask urself, a wedding or being legaly married to ur man. U guys can always go to home affiars n tie de nott legaly den u will be legaly married or throw a huge white wedding n be de bride for a #day. 1st weddings are expensive n I think dts what scares ur man. I will advice u to suggest n ask ur man about going to home affairs n take de money u would spend on ur wedding put in savings or u guys buy a house. But den it depends on what u want. Do u know black ppl weddings are more expensive than white ppl weddings. Den ask ur self which race stays confartable after marriege, Black or White. Weddings are beutiful but only for a day. Lobola its good enough n weddings should be for ppl who can afford dem

  12. Hi Fellow readers, its Ms L. Thank you so much for all your comments and @ Pearls, I do not want a white wedding, im a such an introvert its not even funny, i would prefer a formal recognition to his family(ka setswana ba re GO ISIWA MAKOTI) so we going to have a traditional ceremony at his home as per my suggestion to him. I must admit I was wrong to move in with him but at that time we thought joint bond will do us good in terms of investment as well as saving on rentals.

    I have seen so many people go through courts and all that when there unforseen such as death happens between the two partner. I understand the type of contract scares lot of people and I have even witnessed it driving my cousin marriage to divorce hence i brought the subejct to the table however my partner likes to spend and i dont , we both have okay salaries and share expenses so far and doing quite well on the arrangement .

    I even said to him if he the ANC contract scares him he can consult for a will as well. On the other side sometimes I really believe we have fallen out of love becuase we dont really share so much or do so much together unless i come up with suggestion that we do 🙂

    1. I think the proble here is that you trying to address your relationship with outside things that haven’t or doesn’t really affect you. It’s true people breakup outside divorce etc. you are more vocal and prominent about yourself out of this relationship. You have put the law into yourself and u really sound like you planning an exist and he must conform to it. U have no relationship problems but pure fear of what ifs and what you have seen next door and now u want to correct that. U willing for him to have a will maybe you should do your own will so he can see what you are all about. You basically have become insecure in your own relationship looking for al flaws n you are out of love because you initiate, who is initiating the marriage now? It’s you so maybe you have always been the initiator n now u just tired or learning it. However you really have no problems but just outside fears that have creeped in your house and grown to cloud what you have. U not seeking legal papers for love and stability you want them for protection that is not even brewing your door. It’s a very scary place you are in n have put your man. Why is very important for you to take ANC why not allow him to look at other available options. What if he doesn’t want ANC? Who is advising you on this because u seem to be alone on it not together?

    2. Good for you, MsL. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Marriage is a legal contract which will one day end either via divorce or death. Emotions should be set aside when one choosing the type of contract you want to govern your marriage. Don’t let the community pressurise you to choose otherwise.

      I’m glad you understand that you are still his fiance and not yet his wife in terms of Recognition to Customary Marriage Act, unlike tjose who scream that they are married after lobola was paid forgetting about other aspects of RCMA.

      Your man needs to come clean as to whether he still want to go ahead with marrying you or not. Be firm!

  13. misstep can go, I can not access it from here because of those pins. next time when you decide to lock, please make it international Mike

    1. duuuude, im on that tip… Mike, international pins Tuuuu!!! like even if i travel to s.a i cant. cannot. buy as many pin read well over 100 chapters… guttered.

  14. The egg (Ntheteng), the bacon (Mbuso). The (Family) burger is incomplete. Chesse (Lungi) is missing. Add some (TLC) as sources & veggies. Bang the burger is ready.
    Brada Mike, “Inde lendlela esiyihambayoooo…..”
    Ms L, U seem to have diff priorities. U want a white weeding, pity it’s not his priority. Besides he is very conservative hence he talks about saving not suggesting borrowing to please his queen. U need to make him understand how important a white weeding is to U.
    Secondly, the issue of anc obviously doesn’t sit well with him. It wud be fair to sacrifice one, the anc or the wedding. U’ve a better chance of winning the other. Otherwise U will drive yourselves apart.
    Formerly PapaG aka DavieGenaro!

  15. Ms L
    Isnt it a matter of that you have been doing a lot for the family financially,now there is something that happened that made you not trust his loyalty,to the point that you want to finalise things in paper,but still you feel like he doesnt deserve your hard earned work bcs he is untrustworthy,you still love him but you dont trust him anymore,he doesnt reassure anymore about the relationship,and you need his word,you also feel that he feels stuck with you,but he is there daily,so he might as well do this,you are focusing NOT on the problem …..you two have problems you need to solve,you are not totally innocent in where you guys are right now,stop marriage hunt and deal with that unpleasant topic and emotions you guys are harbouring,a guy wont commit to a girl who is not fully there,be honest with him,tell him how you feel,dont leave anything unsaid,he doesnt have to go,you are letting him slip off your finger,tlogela kgang ya lenyalo for now,it is NOT the problem ,and dear listen to him to understand NOT to answer…..that guy loves you….

  16. Lobola only is not customary marriage. Many people, especially women make this mistake and one day find themselves regarded as only fiances. The “inlaws” will show you flames in the event of the spouse passing on. The man can also tell you that he never married you when you want to divorce him. The law will not protect you. Peruse the RCMA with understanding. The union has to be celebrated culturally and makoti should be handed over officially to the groom’s family. To protect yourselves and prevent hassles in future, register the said marriage at home affairs or your local chief/induna.

  17. Good for you, MsL. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Marriage is a legal contract which will one day end either via divorce or death. Emotions should be set aside when one choosing the type of contract you want to govern your marriage. Don’t let the community pressurise you to choose otherwise.

    I’m glad you understand that you are still his fiance and not yet his wife in terms of Recognition to Customary Marriage Act, unlike tjose who scream that they are married after lobola was paid forgetting about other aspects of RCMA.

    Your man needs to come clean as to whether he still want to go ahead with marrying you or not. Be firm!

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