I am one of those people that say that if someone tries to commit suicide and fails they should have done us all a favour and succeeded. Why? The decision was yours, no one asked you to do it so who am I to judge you? People say committing suicide is selfish but if the decision is for you and you are doing for yourself then how are you being selfish? When can you own your body and do whatever you want with it without being judged for it? Is it not the only true possession you own in this world? So many people will vilify you for it without trying to understand why it is that you felt you had to go. They argue that we wanted their sympathy and craved attention but if I am trying to die and succeed at it how would I know you gave me the attention in death that I craved for? I admit it, suicide is stupid and I love my life so no I was not trying to kill myself when I took those pills, I was just tired. I just wanted to rest and let everything go away. I did not want to bother anyone or cry to anyone. I just wanted out. I was done.
I don’t remember much about how I got to the hospital but the pain. It was as though my insides were being twisted and squeezed at the same time. I had the most hectic stomach cramps, worse than my period pains even but I can’t remember much. It took me a few moments when I woke up to fully become aware of my situation. My stomach was still sore that the first thing I noticed.
I moaned out loud to let out the built up pain.
“Easy there. There was a bit of internal bruising in your stomach so you will be sore for a bit. Welcome back!”
The doctor said to me. I had not even seen him standing there. The last thing I remember was the wedding dream so this could be another one! I had to make sure I was not dreaming so I asked him,
“Where am I? Who are you?”
My voice was barely audible. I felt weak and a bit nauseous!
“Unfortunately for you young lady you are not in heaven if that’s where you thought you would be? I doubt there are beds there!”
He said in what was a sarcastic joke, not appreciated.
“You are in the hospital down the road from campus. You were brought here two nights ago after you tried to kill yourself!”
He said sitting down next to the bed. Doctors don’t normally sit do they?
“I was not trying to kill myself. It was an accident!”
I told him and he smiled.
“Accident or not, the psychologist is coming to see you shortly!”
“You really got everyone worried hey. What you did was a shock to people and the way I see it you will also have a lot of apologizing to do. People love you and doing this is what makes them feel taken for granted.”
This guy needed to go. He was insensitive and I know it all. Had I just not told him I did not do it on purpose. I tried to turn to the other side to show that I was not in the mood and to my shock I was in restraints.
“Why am I in restraints?”
I asked him. I tried to shake them off me and I guess that made me look like I was being violent or aggressive.
“Calm down Palesa, it’s for your own good. You are a danger to yourself and only the psychologist can have them taken off you!”
“When is this psychologist coming then?”
I asked him.
“Probably in the next hour!”
He said and he stood up to leave.
“But what if I need to scratch? My muscles are sore I need to stretch!”
I told him. I was not lying. I think I had been lying in the same position for too long hence why it was like this.
“All that will be fixed when she comes. Don’t worry!”
He said and he left leaving me alone. If you have never been tied down and made to feel helpless you would never understand what I felt like right now. I was trapped. I wanted to scream out for help. I was smart enough to realize though that such a move would only mean they would restrain me longer. It was as I was thinking that Khanyi entered.
“Dude you fucken scared me! Why did you do that? How could you do that?”
She asked me she came and she hugged me. I could not hug her back.
“I didn’t do anything. I had a headache and I asked my roomie for meds. I don’t know how but I took more than I should have! I would never kill myself. Come on you know me better!”
I told her.
“Yeah I do and I believe you though I should warn you, no one else does! Even at res they are all talking. Some are even saying that you found you were pregnant from the professor you were sleeping with!”
She told me.
I asked her.
“You know people, they know how to spread gossip and it’s spreading. I even heard that they will officially investigate the allegation!”
I knew exactly what she meant. By the time I got to campus everyone who knew of my story would have a conclusion as to why which they will all believe is a true story.
I asked her. He was the most important thing right now I guess.
“Well I didn’t tell him anything? I didn’t think you want him to know that you tried to commit suicide and besides he blocked me off everything even Instagram!”
She said and that was painful. When a person starts blocking you and your friends usually there is no coming back from that. I was not that naïve.
“What about my mom?”
I asked her.
“She was here earlier on. She was angry at first and asked me many questions about what happened at the funeral. Fortunately my dad came with me so he spoke to her. Now she blames herself because she thinks she pushed you too far. She was crying.”
She told me. I don’t know why I felt relieved that my mother felt guilty. Maybe it was because I knew most definitely she will not be shouting at me anytime soon. I just wanted peace in my life.
“Can you please remove these restraints? I am sore now from lying in one position!”
I asked her. She looked confused by the request,
I pleaded with her.
“I don’t think I should friend. Let the doctors do their thing. Oh by the way, Sam called!”
“What did you tell him?”
I asked immediately.
“I told him you were in hospital; I even sent him your picture in your hospital bed!”
She told me.
“Ah come on, why would you tell him that?”
I asked her.
“This is a private moment I don’t want to many people to know what’s going on. Now he will never look at me the same!”
“Relax, I told him that you caught a fever which was hectic. He asked me what he should buy you as a get well gift and imagine I got stuck. I gave options of a bag, shoes, clothes you know I didn’t know what to say. I was too scared to say Iphone 7 but chomi you really have to get that! It’s beautiful!”
She said but I was not interested. Khanyi seemed to be more into Sam and what he can do for me than I was. She didn’t realize, or maybe she did, with Neo gone, it would mean that I had one boyfriend now and it was Sam. I remember Sam distinctly telling me not to dump my boyfriend, we were at Da Vinci’s in Sandton, the blesser brothel where if you get rich guy you end up. That’s like the heaven of blesser hotels and if he takes you there you know he has money. It’s like the Oyster Box in Umhlanga, every girl who thinks they are worth something ends up there. If your blesser takes you to a Protea then he is not a blesser, he is a chancer! R950 for a room seriously? Come on have some self respect. He doesn’t even deserve a hand job after that!
“Look, I am married. If you are single you will get too attached to me and I don’t want that. You are a beautiful girl and all but we can’t be more than what we are!”
I laughed as he said this even though he was serious. It’s something about the way he said it. These sugar daddies are scared of drama yet they cheat. One day someone will expose them on social media like that Collin Mokgoatsi guy and they will have nowhere to hide.
“So what will happen if he dumps me?”
I asked him already a bit tipsy on my second glass of wine. Wine does things to me.
“Well then it means either you get him back or get a new boyfriend! You just can’t be single. It’s very important you understand this!”
He said. This dude wasn’t joking. Was he saying that if my boyfriend left me I should get the next guy that comes along for the sake of maintaining our relationship? No thank you.
“I have to go home now. I need to study!”
I said. That second glass of wine can wait. What did he think I was and who the hell did he think he was.
“I can see you are not happy with that!”
He said and did not move. I did not want to be rude and how was I going to get home anyway.
“How can I be happy though? Its ok I will do as you say. I will remain committed!”
That was what I remembered from that conversation.
“Shit, I have to get a boyfriend if I am to stay with Sam! I have to get Neo back but I don’t think I want Sam anymore!”
I told Khanyi.
“It must be the medicine dear, you have lost Neo. We will do whatever it takes to get him back though!”
She said in a very unconvincing tone. You know that tone you use when you tell a fat person that they are not fat after they ask you, that was her tone.
“You are forgetting the boyfriend thing that he told me. I told you about it!”
I told her.
“Yeah I remember! I am way ahead of you. I have people in mind for you to step in!”
She said smiling.
“Really Khanyi? Who?”
I was curious!
********The End *********
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
I love reading all you works, thank you.
I am 26 and I have a problem. There is this guy I see at the gym that I am so in love with I literally go to the gym just for him. He is far from being the hottest or sexiest but this guy has caught my attention in a bad way. We have absolutely no mutual friends but because I have been stalking him I know his name and where he works. At his work he is more like a junior, drives a small car etc. I on the other hand am doing my internship; I am a doctor and drive a big car which was a gift from my parents. I like this guy so much but I am scared of approaching him. Some of my friends have told me that because of my job and what I drive I will end up like Lungi in your blogs as I will intimidate him. He keeps to himself at the gym so I can’t even befriend anyone else. I need to get his attention without firstly scaring him away and secondly if I do get lucky without intimidating him. How do I get him guys? I don’t even know whether he is single or taken but he doesn’t wear a ring.
Please help a desperate sister out.