“I get so angry when girls get cheated on and dumped then you find them begging the guy to take them back. Its not even about where is your self pride but about the power you give that guy to go do it to the next girl. You taught him its right to mistreat a woman as through your actions he knows she will come back begging and on her knees like you did!” Mike Maphoto
This is the reason why I am not a fan of marriage! It’s not even about the cheating, in life whether you like it or not you will learn the only person faithful to you is you! How many parents do you know who have been betrayed by their own kids? It’s not rocket science. We just tell ourselves that we won’t stand for it but reality is, one day we will and we shall experience disloyalty until we decide being alone for life is better than being with a companion for life. When that happens we find something to focus our anger and hurt towards for eternity! It’s simply too much work! Marriage is beautiful but there is no beauty in him being his slave because you have his ring, his child and that you love him! A man has two hands just like you, a brain just like you, breathes and blows his nose just like you so the day he says to you, ‘because you failed to cook tonight then I am sleeping hungry,’ it’s the day you know you are spoiling him too much and if you leave it like this, one day you will regret it! Teach your men that the things you do for them you do them out of love and not out of a realization that it’s a life or death situation! I was angry and disappointed at him at the same time! She had not even been married for that long and already she was being abused! It’s easy to say that she had jumped into the marriage but come on now, you can date a person for a very long time and many years later the cheat or hit you, does that make it any different? No, abuse is abuse! Nah if you hit me I swear to every god that exists, the living and the dead that I will cut off your balls and feed them to you in your sleep! Yes that’s right! If those two stupid things make you feel like a man then be prepared to lose them mxim!
“I am so sorry Miriam! I can’t believe he did that! Come in!”
I told her. When a man is abusive or does something wrong, the first thing you tell the abused can never be ‘I knew it, I knew he was a loser and was going to hit you someday!” No, no matter how much of a thug he is, that is not what you say out loud first. First you listen, you comfort and then you advise! She wants a shoulder to cry on so you give her that! You are a fake friend if you bring out that I knew it nonsense because if you did why did you allow your so called friend to marry her?
“And everything was fine you know! He has been having problems at work I get it! That’s why we didn’t even honeymoon and postpone it. Two people resigned and now that workload is on him. He says he sees why they resign because the work load was ridiculous so it’s stressing him!”
She said and she saw I was staring at her!
“I am not making excuses for him!”
She said but I did not say that in the first place!
“He has no right to hit me! He has no right!”
She said. The thing with being single as long as I have there is nothing about marriage that we have not read. We are probably more knowledgeable about the goddam thing than people who are married and that’s saying a lot.
“He tried to apologize after it happened because it happened so fast but I ran past him and came here! I did not want to go home because my mother would have made a case out of it!”
She said. It’s so true with many women who are abused! It’s so true! They will never run home first for fear of being embarrassed by their parents over what happened. It should never be like that! Family must always be the first and last port of call, that defense and support system that’s unwavering. By shutting them out when you need them its only you that pushes them away not the other way round.
“I am sure he is sorry!”
She said again I think trying to convince her and me!
“Say something! I know your views on marriage, please be honest with me on what you think!”
She pleaded. I had not said anything since she came in just to calm her down. She was right, I had very harsh views of it but I had not experienced it yet.
“An abusive man will never think that he is the one who is wrong even after he apologizes for it afterwards. That’s why he does it again and again. In his eyes, his anger, jealousy, envy, possessiveness is as a result of the fact that you are failing him when the truth is he has more than failed himself and you. Any apology you get is a lie and the moment you get the second beating, shove, threat is the moment you should know that the first time was no mistake! He has only done this once so I don’t know what to call it but I know this, you go to the police station now, on the first beating so that he will never ever do it again. If you don’t go to the station because your argument is it’s only the first time chances are you won’t go the second time either! Mark my words Miriam, if you go now he will know you don’t fuck around!”
I told her! That was a mouthful I know but I strongly believed that! Before she could respond my sister walked in. I had forgotten she had the keys from when she had left with her useless husband.
“Sorry I took so long, it’s amazing how many people don’t cook in their homes. The lines were so long so I had to make a plan in that line! This is why I hate young people, lazy as fuck! No wonder why they complain that food is expensive. It’s because they eat out all the time no wonder why the budget never balances! It’s crazy!”
She said without even looking in to see who was in the house! What if I was not in the house? She would have spoken to herself all those things!
“We are not lazy!”
I said to her just so she knew she was not crazy!
She turned and she saw Miriam for the first time. From the angle she was standing I don’t think she could see her tears.
“Miriam, you came too! I was worried who was going to finish this pizza. I have joined the gym and all those squats will go to waste if I ate all that by myself!”
She said going through the cabinet to look for plates.
Miriam did not reply and I don’t think my sister even cared the way she was talking. This was my sister the one I knew and loved. She was a happy person who put everyone else first before her! That’s why I had hit her husband! He was a moron! She walked up to us and for the first time she looked at Miriam!
“He banna! What happened to you?”
She asked her putting the food down. She went over and sat next to her and hugged her. Miriam and I had grown up together which made her very much my sisters little sister. They were not that much apart in age but I can’t say they had played together as kids. It was not like that.
“He hit me!”
“Did you hit him back?’
She asked immediately! I almost burst out laughing because I was expecting a sorry or some sympathy first nyana but nope, my sister wanted to know what had happened after the hitting happened!
“No! I didn’t!’
“Next time you keep a baseball bat under the bed, he hits you, you go take the bat and moer the baboon like those kids in Sarafina!”
She said! Clearly we were in June! Miriam and I both laughed because it was unexpected for her to be cracking jokes!
“I will do so!”
“Did you go to the police station?”
She asked her!
“No I did not!”
“Well then, now you are! No excuses! Didn’t my sister tell you that the very first beating is the police station! It’s not an opening act to a play which you must build up! It’s a statement which you must shut down immediately!”
She said and stood up immediately! She had so much energy!
“Where are you going?”
I asked her!
“We are going to the police station right now!”
She said. Miriam tried to talk her out of it but she would not listen. Twenty minutes later we were at the police station 5 minutes from Miriam’s house. Inside was a female officer drinking tea.
“How can I help you?”
“We have come to report a case of domestic abuse or assault?”
I told her.
“Can she talk for herself please?”
She told me implying I should not speak for Miriam. That was fine. Miriam recounted the story.
“Wait, there is a man called Jeff who turned himself in. We thought he was drunk or crazy but he was not! He said he beat up his wife and wanted us to arrest him! Obviously we thought he was crazy, no one turns themselves in, especially men who beat up their women! And besides, we have better things to do! Domestic abuse cases”
The lady officer said! I saw red!
“So you won’t arrest a man unless his bloodied wife is standing next to him? Is this when the better things to do come in?”
I asked her furiously.
“Maam watch your tone because I could arrest you right now!”
I turned to my sister and took out my phone.
“Videotape me and don’t tape her!”
I told her.
“What are you doing? You can’t take a video in here!”
She said angrily.
“Actually I can, it’s a public building for public protection, which you are refusing to give us!”
I told her. I was not even sure I was right!
“And you should know officer that there was a court case on TV that said we had the right to tape so you touch my phone and I swear you will be a security guard next!”
I told her. She was fuming but she did not move!
“My friend was beaten up and you can see it! Her husband turned himself in and you refused him. Now can you please go arrest the bastard…?”
I told her.
“I am arresting you for taking the video!”
She said and I immediately turned to my sister!
“Send the video now to Nthabiseng. I called her this afternoon she is on the call list! Nthabiseng is my lawyer by the way!”
I told her. My sister did what she was told and sent.
“Arrest me, I dare you! What kind of a woman are you whom when another woman is asking for help and you turn her away?”
I asked her angrily. She walked from behind the counter I think to arrest me when Jeff walked in!
Was he trying to get himself arrested twice?
I was getting arrested!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
I am a 20 year old girl and attending university. I have fallen in love with one of the lecturers on campus. He is 27 so he is not old. The problem is that he wants to get married and keeps insisting that he does not want to date just for the fun of it. He took me to check ring sizes two weekends ago and has started introducing me to his family. What’s worse I am short and petite meaning I pass off for a 16 year old. I look like a child. I love him but the thought of marriage scares me. I am too young and I know I will disappoint my parents especially my mother who often says how marriage was tough for her. She is cynical towards it and does not hide her feelings about it. Being her first born means she tells me all the bad things my father does to her and I know I am not supposed to take sides. He cheats, hides money and once gave her and STI. I look at my boyfriend and I can’t help seeing this becoming my fate. I want to grow with him but not like this.
Please advise me on what to do to slow him down without losing him.