Growing – The End

Posted on Posted in Growing Up Relevant

Apostle Bae and I had a very beautiful wedding ceremony, but we didn’t have a beautiful marriage. Soon after we got married, his abuse escalated from emotional abuse to physical abuse. Sihle, after spending alot of time with the Apostle and I, noticed that he was emotionally abusing me. I thought she was crazy, because according to me there was no such thing as emotional abuse. Abuse to me was physical and sexual abuse because both are punishable offences, but I didn’t think emotional abuse was a big thing. I guess the Apostle broke me down to the point where I couldn’t see that he was not good for me.
Anyway he started to physically abuse me when I was pregnant with our daughter, yes we have a daughter.

When I was pregnant, his abuse was not ‘too much’ because he gave me a slap here and there. But after I gave birth, every time he beat me, I thought he was going to kill me. When he beat me up on a Saturday, I wouldn’t go to church on the Sunday because I didn’t want people to see what he was doing to me.
“She’s on holiday…..she is visiting her aunt……the baby is sick……she was called to preach at her previous church.” This is what he normally told people at church when I couldn’t attend a service. Imagine the pain I went through every time he stood behind the pulpit and preached. Most times I started doubting God’s existence, I wondered how it was possible for great God to create such a monster. But it soon dawned to me that, God is good and loving, He is all powerful but he also gave us the power to make our own decisions.
One night after he beat me up, I called my father to come and fetch me. Don’t be surprised people, I found my father or rather he found me. Apparently his daughter was always sick and some traditional healer told him that it’s because he abandoned his 1st born daughter, that would be me, before she was born. His wife didn’t know that my father had a child before they met, so you can imagine the drama that went down. Anyway he managed to track down my aunt, which then led to finding me. At 1st I didn’t want to have a relationship with him but I soon got used to him. I also have a great relationship with his kids and wife, she is an amazing woman.
So a few days after my father fetched me and threatened to kill Apostle, I went back to Apostle. I don’t know why I did that because the man didn’t make me happy. I always regret going back because I wouldn’t be where I am right now had I stayed with my father. Sihle and the twins once staged an intervention for me, they begged and urged me to leave this man, but I stayed. There were times he made me happy, he would take me out or we would go on holiday, I guess that is how all abusive people are. But even when we were on Holiday, he would assault me…everything triggered the monster in him, if it was not the fact that he thought I was flirting with a waiter or a petrol attendant, he thought I was undermining him or I was dressed like a slut because I wanted to attract men.
Soon after we got married, I wanted to focus on my business but he didn’t agree with me.
”You don’t need to work Hlengiwe or have a business for that matter because I look after you. Women aren’t supposed to work, that is disturbing the natural order of God. Men go out to work and women stay at home.” He said every time I mentioned starting my business. So I stopped with the whole business thing because that is what he wanted.
One night I asked Sihle to babysit my baby because Apostle and I were going out for dinner. We made reservations for 7 pm, but he didn’t arrive. He finally arrived at 11 pm, when I asked him where he was coming from, he simply pushed me to the wall, strangled me and hurled all sorts of insults. While he was strangling me, I thought I was going to die a very painful death. That moment made me realise that I should break free from that life. I was so tired of getting a beating every 3rd day, and being belittled and insulted every day. Surely this isn’t the life God planned for me.
When he was done with me, he went to sleep. The 1st thought that came to me was for me to go pack my clothes and go back to my mother’s house, but then I realised that he was going to come fetch me, or I was the one who was going to come back running to him.

I didn’t want my daughter to grow up witnessing a toxic relationship, I didn’t want her to grow up believing that is the way life is supposed to be. I went to the kitchen drawer, I took the sharpest knife, went upstairs and watched him. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t plan to do it but I found myself stabbing him like a possessed woman.
Now I am writing this from jail, serving a 20 year sentence. Sihle, God bless her soul, is raising Ntandoenhle, my daughter, for me. She is raising her with the help of my father and his wife. I am missing out on a lot of things happening in my daughter’s life, although Sihle tries to fill me in with everything. Had I made better decisions I wouldn’t be here today. Had I walked out of that relationship at the 1st sign of abuse, I would be writing a completely different story.
Jail isn’t that bad though because I am furthering my studies now and I am receiving therapy from My Pastor, God bless him. I am one of the best behaved prisoners, so everything is going okay although I miss the outside world.
I am Hlengiwe Zulu and this is the end of my journey.

Mike has told you the reason why GUR is coming to an end, so I will not dwell on that.
I would like to thank those who gave constructive criticism. I would also love to say thank you to all those who vowed to never read GUR but always found themselves reading it every Sunday, lol you guys are the best. I truly appreciate the people who have been supportive from day 1.
Lastly I would love to thank Mike for giving me this chance and trusting me with his platform. I don’t know if I will ever get to the point where I can call myself a proper writer, but I am eternally grateful to Mike for the opportunity and level of trust he gave me. I hope the God will bless the work of his hands.
Once again thank you all and may the good Lord bless you all.
Khanyisile Sibande.

67 thoughts on “Growing – The End

  1. I quite enjoyed the whole book Khanyi.All the best with whatever you move on to and remember you will always encounter criticism some constructive some not.Dont take everything to heart some people are just mean nje batyiwa zinto zabo whilst they can never even come close to being as gifted as you are.

    1. I agree! I enjoyed GUR, every Sunday I would look forward to the next 2 i3 chapters. Do not allow others to bemreak you down, like a Phoenix rise from the ashes and come back and give us another story! Until we meet again…..

  2. It’s sad that you took the easy way out but I respect your decision. I hope you will continue writing and publish on a different platform (a book maybe). Thank you and all the best for the future. Tshepiso.

  3. What an adventurous journey it was. You really are a great writer, got glued to my phone screen reading your work. May God bless U on your future plans. <3

  4. U did a great job cc wam,noma ungadansela emanzini umuntu onenkinga nawe uyothi umenzela idust.khohlwa izimfamona ezikwazi ukubhala only negative things coz that’s the world they chose to live in.ul b deeply missed n hope to hear form u soon.all the best for the future.thank you for blessing ma Sundays kuze kube namhlanje😍

  5. What will I read on Sundays now? 😞 I enjoyed your book, I wish you would continue writing. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to on a Sunday. All the best

  6. I do not undestand why one would continue reading a story they don’t enjoy as if they are forced. Most people were very rude on their comments instead of being constructive. Being polite does not cost a cent, you can criticise but in a constructive manner. People have feelings just like you. Khanyi I enjoyed reading your work, don’t be discouraged. All the best honey!

    1. “Being polite doesn’t cost a cent” i love that line. Always be kind and have courage to pursue your dreams and interest. We all stummble through this life thing. All the best girl. All the best.

  7. I have come to love growing up, I honestly thought there would be a happy ending. But in reality this is how greed and being vain has lead a lot of woman to their destinies

    Thank you Khanyisile❤️❤️ You’v taken us in such a beautiful journey, wish to bump into one of your books one day on the shelves

  8. Ei this is sad neh,THE END! Mina nje bekumnandi kufunda yo diary I wish u all d best kozokwenza next… Thank you Khanyi

  9. :'( So sad, this was the only diary I read, now we’ll never get to experience Hlengiwe’s drama when she was pregnant and I can’t believe she never got back with Philani. I wish you would finish the story and maybe publish it as a book or have your own blog coz I really looked forward to Sundays because of you

  10. Honestly, I enjoyed this book so much. But, this ending was just so unnecessary. Should have just left us in suspense, this was so cliché. What an anti – climax for such a great read.
    But anywhoo, thank you for keeping us entertained. Really appreciate. And all the best with your future endeavours. Salute.

  11. Wow.what a nice story it could have been..truly my Sundays will never be the same.thank you Khanyi and God bless u.just don’t give up

  12. I really enjoyed reading GUR. U didn’t have to stop but ke ichoice yakho. Wishing u all the best dear and keep up your good work. I still wanted to know what happened to the aunt, Philani and umkhwenyana kasisi wakhe……. So sad

  13. Thanx Khanyi. I feel u rushed for this to end. A lot was left out. Like Philane’s part. I wanted to know what really happened ko lobola negotiations. How was the bidding? The wedding day? Just feels like u just wanted to end this. All the best though. God bless u. U do have a talent. Nourish it. U will go far. Mike surely saw that. Not many can put a paragraph together that makes sense but we can judge.

  14. Its so sad that you’re leaving. This story was very enjoyable. It taught us about these naive girls in the church. I would have loved to continue walking with you in this journey but life has different plans. I would have also loved to know where philani bu tthe ending is still good enough!
    Bye and don’t give up.
    You are a good writer and we were always on our toes because you had brought something new and unpredictable.

    Thank you for your time

  15. There goes my Sundays.
    I was hoping that you’d wake up and change your mind.
    Or give us 10 chapters geh
    So sad…
    All the best for your future endavour.
    Remember no one was born an expert!

  16. This story was good to educate the public about all sorts of abuse. You didn’t have to quit because of negative comments my dear, winners never quit and quitters never win, please keep that in mind going forward, we don’t look for the nearest exit every time we come across challenges as that deprives our growth and being better at what we do. For a pencil to draw so well in the hands of the artist, it has to undergo the pain of being sharpened and should that not happen it never draws well. I still feel you can pick up where you stopped, continue with the story and give it a different ending. Surely those who were hard on you also saw how much it disturbed you and will take it easy. GUR gave us a reason to open this website on Sundays, please don’t take that away from us, it was also a good platform for you to go under the sharpener and be a good pencil. With lots of love.

  17. Yoh….she endured too much. Women,stay away from abusive relationships and marriages. Get out while you can. Being a punching bag of someone is not healthy. I can see hlengiwe was confused,but this doesn’t mean she must commit murder. Letting go of that marriage with the help me her father should have maybe worked. Thank you Bra was educational. What’s next in ur daily doses??? Lol.

  18. Dear Khanyisile,
    Thank you for sharing the story with us. As a writer myself, I understand the amount of work that goes into writing even a page. A lot of self doubt, paranoia, frustration and craziness engulfs you as u start each sentence. I want to encourage you to keep writing. There is a need for black female writers and very few of us. All the negativity and harsh criticism fuels our insecurity as writers, especially female, and we end up believinf that we will never be good enough or we are not talented and we stop writing.

    A great writer is an even better reader. Start reading. Read everything, newspapers, novels, books, scripts. Just read. Reading opens up your imagination and your creativity. It gives you more material and expands your vocabulary. You also learn other people’s style of writing which helps you to form your own.

    Please do not stop writing. Practise. Plan your characters, plan each event on the story and assess how it affects the story. How it affects your characters and why. Most importantly Keep It Simple.

    All the best.
    fellow writer.

  19. Well Khanyi you shouldnt hv stopped writting this book. not everyone will love what you are doing.. even God himself not all of us who are following him. so who are you to be followed by everyone. Believe me evn generations do make us angry but then thats how Mfundi Vundla will keep hs work going on and on. some of us we enjoying it and it was building us somewhere nd growing us up. some of us did experience relationships lyk abo Apostle bae n u. so you see its not all of us who are critisizing you. next tym grl dont gv up bcz of ppl nd what not. they complaining nd yet hv nvr tryd rytng 5chapters on theya on. I loved your story bcoz in such a way theys something familar abt it. put ths in mind ‘nt evryone who loves God’s work,so who are you to expect everyone to love your work’ You are a brilliant young woman.. go out there and show ur talent. ♡♡☆☆

  20. The way people love critisizing thou,if I were to give them a platform to write their own diaries that wouldn’t even know where to start.
    Thanks Khanyi I loved GUR.

  21. im definitely going to missed GUR .your story line was great I always looked forward to sundays.thanx Khanyi

  22. Sad sad sad sad! Gal I hope this will motivate u …..I started teaching in 2010 July! I was forever in trouble everyone had a say on what I should teach how I should teach n when I should teach it I moved to different schools both primary n secondary same story! Because teaching was my passion I asked those I trusted to give me constructive critiques 6yrs later am considered one of the best teachers I don’t apply for posts principals call me and offer me posts if I like it I take if I don’t like t I move forward! Point being we all start somewhere the only job u start at the top when performing it is when u dig a hole! All the best for the future

  23. I will miss dis story soo much it hurts. I never comment but I’ve read all da negative and positive comments. Its funny how today since u ar stopping u ar getting positive comments. Where ar doz ppl who made u stop baphi? Bathuli today cz they see their negativity costs all of us a gud read. Honestly I found dis story interesting. It was different from wht I’m used to reading bt dat didn’t mean it was not gud enuf cz every sunday I came to read all da chapters and enjoyed them. Sisi don’t be discouraged. Yo work was grt and it ended unexpectedly I wished to have read more found out how every1 ended bt all in all gudluck cc and stay blessed. Much love #Zane

  24. Geez and here I thought I was going to get my Sunday fix and read what happened to aunty at the lobola bid😔 Great work Khanyi I hope to read more of your work soon. ❤❤ All the best

  25. eish i really don’t lyk the way u leaving its not fair,but oh well it’s life sisi,whatever people say u were a good writer no actually u are a good writer,on that note u shouldn’t have given up…….I will really miss this book,you should start your own blog have your own platform and start again from there so that those of us who love your work can continue to support u. Anyway uhambe kahle sisi I hope those haters are now happy coz their plan finally worked……..

  26. Okay maybe you can write about post hlegi the jail bird about how she picks up her life after prison and re building a life with her daughter Hmmm now that could be a twist.

    Thanx Khanyi all the best for ur future plans.

  27. Oh, my God! This was really an eye opening. Thanks so much for your hard work. Not everyone is gifted as you are. Once again thank you so much. I enjoyed every moment of this story.

  28. This story was good, the concept was good i honestly enjoyed and looked forward to it. M one of those fans that read but never replied. Though i did feel the language style and grammar needed a tad bit more editing but it was nothing that could not be fixed. So sad that this is over. I too would have quit but thats taking the easy way out. Just know u had more silent fans than those vocal critics. Good luck in whatever else you choose to do. Hopefully one day the Diary will be resurrected.

  29. I knew the emotional would become physical abuse and either she would have been killed or she would have killed him. The ending was guaranteed to be sad. Oh Well, Life twirls on!

  30. Where were all these positive comments when Khanyi needed it? It’s very hypocritical that you all only show your appreciation now. Yes, better late than never but honestly. If you enjoyed the book that much you would’ve flooded her comments section with encouragement weeks ago. I was thorougly irritated by Hlengy but SHE iS real! There are many Hlengys in our society. I really want to understand their logic and thought processes. Also to understand how to relate to a Hlengy. Now I just feel robbed of finding out if she could’ve been rehabilitated or not. All the best to you Khanyi.

  31. Thanks Sisi.
    There are a lot of Hlengiwe’s out there….hopefully they won’t be writing to us from jail too

  32. ah aowa – but come back….. If only they were words to make you comeback. I wish you well on all your future Ways. Good Bless your Soul Love — Mwaaha Mwahh

  33. Au Sis Khanyi so much left unsaid…what a sad ending though Hlehle being in jail because of love that was never there in the beginning but because she wanted umshado so badly now she’s paying the price….All the best dear with your future plans and stay blessed!

  34. i am so heart broken ..i guess we played a role in this book coming to an end ..we sat back and watched people attack the storyline etc forgetting that they are not the only people reading this book and that there are looking forward to sundays dose..theres books that i lost interest a long time ago but didnt ruin it for everyone else that actually liked it …i wish we can take back this chapter and have our sundays back

  35. I fl robed khanyie. . . I enjoy ur story n felt it waz stl 2 early 2 end it since thrz alt u nva briefd us in. Anywai al da bst. Cn we atleast gt part 2 GUR

  36. Mmmh…sad dat d story had to cum to an end…it was educational in its own way…thanx Khanyi…n gud luck with your writing…I wonder wat happened to Philan nabanye thou…

  37. You are the best khanyi, You are a talented individual, I had really enjoyed reading, Every Sunday before I Go to church I use to read….. God Bless You Sthandwa

  38. Thank you so much, I always read on Tuesday and sad you are leaving. May the lord open many doors for you. Stay focused on ur goal and don’t let anything discourage. You were excellent at your work, so don’t mind grumpy people we see them everywhere complaining none stop. All the best dear.

  39. I loved reading GUR.. I do not know much about writing .. But what I know is that a good book will make one eager to read the next chapter, and the next and the next…. Do not let negative people determine whom you will be in the future. Yes, haters will always be there, just to feed their own insecurities by undermining other people. Take both the negatives and positives, use them to build a better writer, coz u are already good… I would love to read some of your work in the future Ms Khanyisile Sibande. 👏😘

  40. I’m also one of the silent fans, who read every week when your story line was bullied and critised by people who claimed to be more matured for the storyline, but kept reading the story. I also do no like Y.E.S diary but I never critised the writer or spoiled it for people who enjoy reading it.

    Anyway good luck with the future. Everything happens for a reason.

  41. Good day Khanyi. This is my first time commenting since i started reading, i must say you on the right path. it such a wonderful writing and i can tell you invested lot of effort in your writing. hope my positive feedback will encourage you to write more stories to keep people like me reading since we love it so much. i have share your talent with few of my friends and i am sure they will enjoy reading it. i hope all the positive feedback will make you a star. it will be such a pleasure meeting you one day or maybe in a big stage, if you know what i mean…

  42. I enjoyed your book and please don’t be discouraged you are the greatest…love your diary and hope you come back with another one

  43. U r soo Good at this shem…. Can u believe that i hv read ur whole story in 4 days?! I have slept ka 3am twice..
    U r a great writer… I enjoyed every moment of your story…it is very addictive… You are amazing. Keep up the good work.. I love you 3much!!

  44. I read all the chapters and feel that there was so much left out, the lobola bidding, Hlengy’s wedding. After reading the whole blog I just felt very sad and wished that I had never read it. It would have been nice to have seen Hlengy being saved by Mdu from the abuse. I felt sad for days.

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