Apostle Bae and I had a very beautiful wedding ceremony, but we didn’t have a beautiful marriage. Soon after we got married, his abuse escalated from emotional abuse to physical abuse. Sihle, after spending alot of time with the Apostle and I, noticed that he was emotionally abusing me. I thought she was crazy, because according to me there was no such thing as emotional abuse. Abuse to me was physical and sexual abuse because both are punishable offences, but I didn’t think emotional abuse was a big thing. I guess the Apostle broke me down to the point where I couldn’t see that he was not good for me.
Anyway he started to physically abuse me when I was pregnant with our daughter, yes we have a daughter.
When I was pregnant, his abuse was not ‘too much’ because he gave me a slap here and there. But after I gave birth, every time he beat me, I thought he was going to kill me. When he beat me up on a Saturday, I wouldn’t go to church on the Sunday because I didn’t want people to see what he was doing to me.
“She’s on holiday…..she is visiting her aunt……the baby is sick……she was called to preach at her previous church.” This is what he normally told people at church when I couldn’t attend a service. Imagine the pain I went through every time he stood behind the pulpit and preached. Most times I started doubting God’s existence, I wondered how it was possible for great God to create such a monster. But it soon dawned to me that, God is good and loving, He is all powerful but he also gave us the power to make our own decisions.
One night after he beat me up, I called my father to come and fetch me. Don’t be surprised people, I found my father or rather he found me. Apparently his daughter was always sick and some traditional healer told him that it’s because he abandoned his 1st born daughter, that would be me, before she was born. His wife didn’t know that my father had a child before they met, so you can imagine the drama that went down. Anyway he managed to track down my aunt, which then led to finding me. At 1st I didn’t want to have a relationship with him but I soon got used to him. I also have a great relationship with his kids and wife, she is an amazing woman.
So a few days after my father fetched me and threatened to kill Apostle, I went back to Apostle. I don’t know why I did that because the man didn’t make me happy. I always regret going back because I wouldn’t be where I am right now had I stayed with my father. Sihle and the twins once staged an intervention for me, they begged and urged me to leave this man, but I stayed. There were times he made me happy, he would take me out or we would go on holiday, I guess that is how all abusive people are. But even when we were on Holiday, he would assault me…everything triggered the monster in him, if it was not the fact that he thought I was flirting with a waiter or a petrol attendant, he thought I was undermining him or I was dressed like a slut because I wanted to attract men.
Soon after we got married, I wanted to focus on my business but he didn’t agree with me.
”You don’t need to work Hlengiwe or have a business for that matter because I look after you. Women aren’t supposed to work, that is disturbing the natural order of God. Men go out to work and women stay at home.” He said every time I mentioned starting my business. So I stopped with the whole business thing because that is what he wanted.
One night I asked Sihle to babysit my baby because Apostle and I were going out for dinner. We made reservations for 7 pm, but he didn’t arrive. He finally arrived at 11 pm, when I asked him where he was coming from, he simply pushed me to the wall, strangled me and hurled all sorts of insults. While he was strangling me, I thought I was going to die a very painful death. That moment made me realise that I should break free from that life. I was so tired of getting a beating every 3rd day, and being belittled and insulted every day. Surely this isn’t the life God planned for me.
When he was done with me, he went to sleep. The 1st thought that came to me was for me to go pack my clothes and go back to my mother’s house, but then I realised that he was going to come fetch me, or I was the one who was going to come back running to him.
I didn’t want my daughter to grow up witnessing a toxic relationship, I didn’t want her to grow up believing that is the way life is supposed to be. I went to the kitchen drawer, I took the sharpest knife, went upstairs and watched him. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t plan to do it but I found myself stabbing him like a possessed woman.
Now I am writing this from jail, serving a 20 year sentence. Sihle, God bless her soul, is raising Ntandoenhle, my daughter, for me. She is raising her with the help of my father and his wife. I am missing out on a lot of things happening in my daughter’s life, although Sihle tries to fill me in with everything. Had I made better decisions I wouldn’t be here today. Had I walked out of that relationship at the 1st sign of abuse, I would be writing a completely different story.
Jail isn’t that bad though because I am furthering my studies now and I am receiving therapy from My Pastor, God bless him. I am one of the best behaved prisoners, so everything is going okay although I miss the outside world.
I am Hlengiwe Zulu and this is the end of my journey.
Mike has told you the reason why GUR is coming to an end, so I will not dwell on that.
I would like to thank those who gave constructive criticism. I would also love to say thank you to all those who vowed to never read GUR but always found themselves reading it every Sunday, lol you guys are the best. I truly appreciate the people who have been supportive from day 1.
Lastly I would love to thank Mike for giving me this chance and trusting me with his platform. I don’t know if I will ever get to the point where I can call myself a proper writer, but I am eternally grateful to Mike for the opportunity and level of trust he gave me. I hope the God will bless the work of his hands.
Once again thank you all and may the good Lord bless you all.