“What’s on your mind?”
What a question at this moment? Could I tell him that I was thinking about another man who wanted to spoil me rotten when he could not? Here is my question to you, we all know that most guys, no, all guys want the hottest guy they can get but what is that they offer in return? Think about it, for my beauty what are you bringing on to the table? There are so many people who say beauty doesn’t pay the bills but those people lie to themselves! There is way more ugly people than hot people and you know it! Yes I know people say beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone but cruel, mean, evil or not, when a beautiful person walks in you see all the ugly girls giving her attitude when they don’t even know her! Picture Beyoncé, if she was your neighbor would you like her? I don’t think so!
“What makes you think that love? I am perfectly fine! Was waiting for you so we can murder this pizza!”
I told him with a big smile! God knows I loved pizza!
“Oh ok must be in my head. We need to go away somewhere soon don’t you think! I feel like we need to bond hey. It’s always like we are busy plus school makes us unable to spend the time we need!”
He said. It had been a while since we went anywhere and that was because money was tight! He liked travelling and didn’t mind whether it was on a bus or not. Having grown up in Pretoria meant I had not travelled much before I met him. Since then however we have made the student budget work and actually had epic moments.
“Ok cool where would you like to go?”
I asked him.
“Maybe Mpumalanga! It’s very nice there and the accommodation is not too pricey!”
He explained. I knew it would exhaust his budget. My job was to talk him out of it but Neo had a tendency of making up his mind as soon as he said something. There would be no turning back from this.
“How long have you been thinking of this?”
I asked him.
“Not long but I think we should regardless! Am working hard and the uber is making money! I must spoil my leading lady!”
He said and I teased back saying,
“If I am leading who is following?”
Of which he laughed!
“No one comes after you, you know that!”
He said and I did too! The guilt now was real! Neo was almost too good and if I didn’t know him better I would say too good to be true. He was my man.
“What about Sam?”
A small voice said in my head? A conscience is something that keeps you grounded but let’s be honest; do you think Patrice Motsepe and Bill Gates made their fortune by having a conscience? I don’t think so, they made their billions first over the skeletons of others then came back and started giving people money to regain our respect!
“There you go again blacking out in the middle of a conversation!”
He said as he handed me a plate!
This was getting harder to maintain than I thought! I could couldn’t lie with a straight face and constantly I found myself day dreaming even when I was with Neo! That’s the problem with having an affair with someone with resources! You start having things that you never had before and if your partner is attentive enough he can pick this up really quickly. With Neo it was different, I think he trusted me so much in his head me cheating was the last thing he would ever expect. We had been through a lot in our relationship, dark times to be honest but we had lived through them together! He had been with me step by step and I with him which is why I knew he was someone I could trust. I never tell anyone this but about 3 months into us dating I lost a baby! No I did not abort, I had a miscarriage! I had not told my mother or anyone else that I was pregnant and his first words were,
“I need to go tell my dad so that he can give me a job!”
He did not ask me whether I wanted to keep it or not nor did he ask what we should do! I have a cousin who dated a guy for five years, was loyal to a fault even when he cheated! When she got pregnant he beat her up so badly she miscarried. Her crime,
“You cheated on me! That baby is not mine! I knew you were a whore all along!”
His mother and sisters supported him beating her up because he was the breadwinner at home. He worked at Makro of all places in Silverlakes! To them, she having a baby meant that the money she was already taking from him would double.
“If it’s a boy you picking the name! If it’s a girl I am picking the name!”
He said to me. He was so excited! I had just told him that I was having a baby and he was so excited as though he felt as though he had married.
“Baby I am scared!”
I told him.
“Scared of what? It’s a baby! Its God’s gift to the world and oh my word I am going to be a dad!”
He screamed! Imagine we were barely 20, no jobs but to him it was like Jesus had come back!
“I can never understand you hey! I really can’t!”
I said laughing at him.
“Did you think I was going to be like Nasty C and say ‘like she thinks she got a baby on the way, I try to tell her to get rid of it!’??”
He said rapping that part for me. He knows I loved that song even though it was super disrespectful to have a man who made you pregnant telling you to get rid of your child because he made you pregnant and can’t worry about buying that child pampers! It immediately reminded me of that ‘slap her with a dick’ song which disrespects women but we love it and call it art. So Nasty C singing that was art!
“It’s not funny if you put it that way!”
I told him.
“I tried telling you that before and you told me I don’t understand music. What has changed? The fact that now its talk to you as a woman?”
He asked. I did not entertain him though because I had to think of how was I going to tell my mother. She knew I was sexually active, most black parents know that we are they just choose not to accept and advise. They pretend like their ancestors who gave them these rules made them in 2016 when reality is parents should be even closer to their kids today than ever before.
“How do we tell my mum though Neo? It’s easy to say we can do this alone but telling my mum is like trying to get myself shot!”
I said but he laughed.
“Love stop stressing please! You going to affect the baby and I don’t want my baby to have stress before he is even born!”
He said laughing.
“Please take this seriously!”
I told him.
“I am. I will tell my parents and they will tell yours. Let the adults deal with it for us. I don’t think we have done anything wrong. If we love each other then we do the right thing!”
He said. He was being so sweet about it. I loved him. He was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
“Ok love I trust you!”
I told him as I hugged him. I was worried yes at being pregnant but I was not panicking. It’s amazing how much it means to have a reassuring boyfriend because it means you know you always have someone whom when they say they have your back they actually mean it.
That was all history now even though we will never forget it. He had been the most amazing caring boyfriend since. I know of a lot of girls who after such a traumatic thing dump their boyfriends because they feel like seeing them all the time would serve as a constant reminder of that moment but I was not one of them. I was the girl who had survived because of him. I had been young yes and a part of me believed that having a baby that young would have slowed down not necessarily ruined my life as I had not lived or seen enough. This is why with this guy willing to pay for me it to see the world it was too good an opportunity not to miss. Mpumalanga and Dubai are worlds apart and whilst the former was more intimate, closer and amazing because of who I was going to share it with only the stupidest fool would fail to realize why Dubai was a life changing experience!
He stood up to go to the kitchen where he was charging his phone.
“Love I have three missed call from your little sister!”
He said showing me his phone!
“Did she try calling you?”
He asked me! I immediately said no because he would then ask why I had put my phone on silent as I never put my phone on silent when with him!
“You must call her back because it could be important!”
He said and I told him that I had no airtime! He handed me his phone!
“Call her now please!”
He said and handed me the phone! This little brat though! Why was she doing this? She never usually behaves like this!
I dialed her number and she immediately said,
“Brother in law!”
In a cheerful voice!
“No it’s not him, it’s me! What do you want?”
I asked her menacingly so she could see I was not playing with her! This child needed to be put in her place.
“Oh now you picking up his calls! You won’t be with him forever! I will call him at night when I know you will be with your old man! Let’s see then how you will pick up!”
She said and she hung up!
Eish mara why me really?
“What did she want?”
He asked me seeing how disturbed my face was!
I snapped unwittingly!
“You can’t say nothing love come on! I can see your face has changed!”
“How do you block a number on your phone?”
I asked him with a serious look on my face!
“You want to block your own sister?”
He asked very shocked!
“Yes I do and I also want you to block her on mine! That little girl is out of order! I am so angry at her!”
I said. I was not stupid; I knew what I was doing!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Thank you for reading my letter.
I have been cheating on my husband since before we got married. It’s been seven years now and the guy I was cheating with recently died in a car accident. I am not coping. He was married too. I can’t cry or mourn him because I work with my husband and go home with my husband. It’s like he is always there and I just want to breakdown and mourn for this man I shared so much with. I met him around the same time I met my husband (ten years ago) but we never could be together as he was seeing someone. He married before I married but the affair never stopped. I got married too and had two kids and still the affair continued. We were in love I guess and I know people say you can’t love two people at the same time but that’s them because I know I did.
How do I mourn this man who meant so much to me without raising alarm bells? My husband knew the man and if I cry he might put two and two together.