“Most women are unhappy in marriage because truth is, they settled for people they would not have settled for in the first place had the men they really wanted asked for their hand!” Mike Maphoto
If there ever was an occasion where women cheat then it’s at weddings. I don’t know if it’s the emotions of the day, the alcohol consumed or the fact that you are surrounded by well-dressed men that make us do it but weddings bring out the liberal side in us. I can speak for myself, I have been to enough weddings were men have hit on me and once or twice I ended up on my back. This is me saying I am no saint, sheltered yes but I am not a saint. With that said, Miriam’s brother in law was definitely somewhere I did not want to end up. He was a child for crying out loud. It’s embarrassing and that shit follows you around forever especially if the truth comes out. Imagine Mam’Dolly finding out yho! I would never hear the end of it! She will ruin my reputation and call me all the names she should be calling her own child.
“We have to go get your brother!”
I said suddenly and opened the door to step out. He was startled by the way I got out because one second we were sharing a moment and the next I was standing outside saying,
“Dude are you coming with me or not?”
Reluctantly he walked out of the car.
“My brother is a stubborn guy, he won’t want to leave but it’s your party!”
Jeff said to me as he followed behind me. I was dressed for club, in denim pants and heal. That’s what older girls wear mind you because our legs are not meant to be shown in the dark. We can’t be competing with these babies with breasts for male attention anymore.
‘Do you think they are doing it?”
He asked me from behind and we both burst out laughing.
“I would be so annoyed if they are because I am the one sharing that bed with her when they are done?”
When we got to the room it was slightly open and from the sound of it they were fighting.
“I don’t want to get married anymore!”
Miriam was shouting at him. I don’t know what had happened but when you are me at this stage in my life, a woman rejecting marriage from such a guy is like meeting St. Peter at the gates of heaven and saying no thanks you will rather go to hell. What was wrong with this girl?
“Baby come on, you can’t say that! You know I did not mean it like that!”
He was pleading.
“No it’s clear you don’t trust me. I had a bachelorette party and you are here? How do you think it looks to my friends? You come and you find my best friend in bed with me and now she is standing outside in the cold! You checked the bathroom for what? Who were you looking for?”
She asked him!
“I was using the bathroom!”
He protested but she shut him down.
“Now you are a liar too! You were in there less than a second and even if you went in there to fart it doesn’t take a second!”
She said angrily. I must say she was throwing a convincing argument right now but was she serious?
“Love I am sorry. I should have trusted you! Please don’t call off the wedding!”
He pleaded with her.
“I will have to sleep on it! I can’t believe you have messed up my day like this! How can you be so selfish though?”
She cried. I know she was crying tears. It was then that I decided that we had to enter before things got out of hand.
“Guys really? Are you really doing this right now?”
I asked as I walked in. Jeff was behind me.
“Bhuti you are drunk we should go!”
He said playing his part.
“Lungile, you see this girl here?”
Her fiancé said to me,
“Yes I do!”
“I love her with all my heart and tomorrow I am going to make an honest woman out of her! Jeff, let’s go!”
He said. Miriam was pouting and did not say anything. I could see that she had actually been crying. What a dramatic girl! I walked them out and watched them walk away. I just had it at the back of my mind that they would turn back so I made sure I saw the car drive away before I came back in.
“Why are you threatening to call of the wedding?”
I asked her concerned as soon as I closed the door behind me.
“I was just playing with his emotions!”
She said wiping her tears away.
“That is so mean though! You could see that he was very hurt by that!”
I reprimanded her.
“Listen Lungi, a man needs to know that whatever he can do, you can do better. I am not going to be that wife that is submissive in marriage because the moment you do that you lose your man.”
She explained to me. I am not sure I fully agree with these women who cry independence in marriage because truth be told, committing to another person means you each have to give up something to one another.
“So why didn’t you tell him that you were just joking then?”
I asked her incredulously.
“Why should I? He will figure it out tomorrow when I show up at the alter looking every bit the angel he wants! Don’t worry about that!”
She said. She started preparing her side of the bed to sleep. It was just a bit after 11.
“What about you know who stashed in the other room?”
I asked her.
“Nah, don’t worry about him. He is probably passed now by now waiting for me. Me and him are done. In marriage I don’t intend to keep him!”
She said and giggled. It was not funny to me because she was playing with people’s emotions.
“Let’s go to bed! Tomorrow I will become someone’s wife! Just imagine! Who would have thought?”
She asked and this time I laughed with her.
“Remember Anastasia Komape!”
I asked and again we laughed.
“That girl traumatized you in high school because you wanted her boyfriend so badly!”
I reminded her.
“You and I remember things so differently. It was not me who wanted him; he wanted me but was too scared of Anastasia!”
She said. Those were the best days of our lives. High school for me was better than university. University you had all the freedom yes but you were always reminded that this was your last chance to do something with your life. High school on the hand was a period of discovery and firsts which made it even more memorable. I was glad she had not gone to the other guy’s room and I was glad I was going to be in her wedding procession tomorrow. We had come a long way together and on that thought I slept. I was tired in any case.
In the morning I was woken up by Miriam. She was serious after all. It was still dark outside though which did nothing to make this pleasant.
“We have to go. We have so many things to do!”
She told me. I had not overslept. It was 5 in the morning.
“The last thing I want is for anything to be delayed. I don’t want my wedding to be like an episode of Our Perfect Wedding!”
She said pacing up and down. That was supposed to be my job. I told her not to worry and that everything will be in order. I am good with time management and if she works with me we will get everything done.
Her mother phoned as we got into the car. She phoned me.
“Where are you? Are you trying to get my daughter late for her own wedding?”
She shouted on the other side. Yup, it was her alright. I had not forgotten that she was a difficult customer. I gave the phone to Miriam,
“Mum we are on our way!”
She said and hung up immediately.
“That’s how you handle her!”
The day went perfectly minus Mam’Dolly trying to make hang her on rose bush with her bra. Why are mother so difficult at weddings. My mother refused to talk to me even though she had asked for it. Her words,
“Are you not ashamed though that other people’s children are getting married when you are still single?”
I just walked away and she stayed away from me. I was not going to be part of the step as I was roped in last minute. This meant that I got to watch it happen and it was hilarious. I am sorry to say this but this step business is not actually attractive at all because 90percent of all black weddings have the same dances. It was nice though to see the old women ululating and ecstatic seeing them do it?
Wedding food is the same and it’s not because the wedding couples don’t want knew things but because if those foods are not then it was not a success. Pap, stew, rice, chicken, butternut, coleslaw, green salad, some shady looking beans at times and a whole lot more. I had to serve the bride as it was my job. When the food started I went to get their food for them. When I went back for mine however it’s when I met him.
“Did you know that if something happens to the bride today you will have to marry the groom?”
A man I had never met said to me.
I responded in a rather unfriendly way. The stock at this wedding was terrible. It’s like that meme which went around showing off how some churches have the hottest brothers whilst yours has the shady never been laid looking type with questionable teeth and hygiene. Yup, in an essence that was this wedding. They were about ten girls to one guy and it was as if all the men had stayed away morning that their biggest scuftin had retired. Goodness I must stop this pettiness.
“Think about it, if something happens to Miss South Africa then it means that her first princess has to take over. That was the original purpose of the maid of honor, not just to help the bride lift up her dress when she needs to pee during the wedding!”
I looked at this guy incredulously. Was that a pick up line because if it was that was original but was he serious there? For a moment there I was confused. He was on the chubby side but no, he did not look like the Michelin man, more like a cross between Papa G, Akhumzi and Buji! Not my type but lately all the men that hit on me reminded me of Julius on his Heinikken boast. Chubby and fat man sweat during sex, a lot so eish. I could see from the corner of his mouth that he was dying to laugh.
I said and we both ended up laughing.
“When you are not too busy attending to the bride, come find me!”
He said with a smile.
“My time is expensive and besides what if you throw another line at me, what will I do then?”
I asked him also smiling back.
“The name is Simba! Table 16… I know, very far from the front!”
He said and walked away.
Simba, doesn’t that make him Zimbabwean?
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
I have read many books in my day but what you do in yours I can testify is unique. You have a gift which I hope someone more powerful than me will recognize someday.
I am 31 this year, married with two kids. My husband lost his job and has gone into a deep depression. It does not help because now he is on medication. He has money aside but I don’t think he ever suffered in his life or had to work hard for something. It’s only been six months out of the job but he is acting as though the world ended. I work and put food on the table. The money he has in savings is still substantial but he won’t touch it saying it’s for a rainy day. It’s invested in a bank meaning the interesting is very low. I have been trying to encourage him to try his hand at business but he says the risk is too great. He is too sheltered and needs a smack in the ass! I am annoyed because I don’t know what to do as he is sinking deeper and deeper. He is moody and unhappy all the time. I am tempted to speak to his brothers but he has always said we don’t bring outsiders into our marriage so I fear it will push him over the edge.
Please help me help him.