“Never underestimate the pressure society puts on you but acknowledge that your age plays an even bigger role in influencing your decisions. When you are thirty, single and no kids, you stop relating to most of your friends because they simply can’t stop posting up pictures of their little ones. Post up your glass of wine then and stand in FORMATION but when you are done you will feel the loneliness!” Mike Maphoto
I know I am not the only one who thinks this but men with a big ego are the worst. They think they are God’s gift to whatever field they work in or you find them. I like men who are confident but have humility about them. They cannot go around being too big for their shoes because it is such a turn off. I did mention though that light skinned good looking men tend to think they shit chocolate. I was so annoyed.
“You are joking right!”
I asked her him!
“I am just kidding!”
He said and he broke into that knee bending, chest melting, heart pounding, virgin breaker, born again buster smile of his. This man ke Satan shem. I have never been the girly type that thinks good looking men are the future because good looking men are like good looking girls. They are more trouble than they are worth. You will forever watch your back and they know it too. They genuinely have that mentality that if you break up with them it’s your loss. Look at JayZ now, that dude would do anything to break up with Beyoncé and go be the man whore that he always was but he knows that the world will call him a loser for the rest of his days if he breaks up with her.
“You better be because that would be very conceited of you!”
I told him without smiling back. I was dying too but I think for once my ancestors did the right thing and got my back.
“I was kidding honestly. I actually need a second opinion on something if you don’t mind.”
He said and when I just stared at him blankly he continued,
“I want to buy a fragrance and it needs a woman’s nose…”
It was then I found my voice.
“Yes sure! I can help with that!”
We went to the perfume section and I could not help but wonder who he was buying it for. Was there a female someone who he was close to? It definitely was not cologne because he would have said it was for him.
“Who may I ask is it for?”
I asked. He opened his eyes wildly with a naught smile,
“Who do you think?”
“Really dude? I am asking so that I know who to choose for… Age wise”
I said really getting annoyed now but I could understand why it might have been confusing to him when I said it.
“It’s for my sister. She is 24! I had promised to bring one for her there but I never got a chance to get it!”
He explained. This was making him sound very very sweet. Now I had so many questions. Did this mean he did not have a woman back in England who could have helped him with this? Was he always this sweet and caring to the women in his life! Girl questions I tell you.
“What’s her personality like?”
I asked him. At this stage my heart was totally doing backflips.
“She is bubbly I guess and talks a lot. She also gyms a lot so I don’t know where to start!”
He said picking up different fragrances.
“I don’t know hey! Girls like different things when it comes to this!”
I told him.
“I love the way you smell though! What’s your fragrance? Let’s buy her that!”
He said suddenly. That compliment though… I was so pressed for the bathroom at this stage I could have pee’d myself. It was such an “ahhh’ moment for me I just went gaga. Much as I was trying not to smile, I am sure even my female ancestors were blushing too meaning I was grinning at the stage. I was smiling from ear to ass and I have a black ass!
“I use Gucci!”
I said in what was a horse whisper as my voice had suddenly disappeared! If this man had asked me to have sex with on that cold Clicks floor at that moment I am sure I would have. That’s how much I had fallen. Thank God he was not looking at me as now I was looking at his broad shoulders as he was picking up the different fragrances.
“Which one is yours?”
He asked me. I didn’t hear him for the first time and only when he asked a second time did I wake up.
“It’s this one!”
I said picking it up and handed it to him. Eish as luck would have it I was static and I shocked the bejesus out of him and he yelped and jumped up in pain. I still don’t know what causes it but at time my body simply has excess electricity and I shock people when I touch them!
“Ouch! Woman did you swallow Eskom or something?”
He asked. With the way Eskom had no power I wouldn’t be surprised Shem. It hurt him as much as it hurt me but the difference is I was used to it now. It happened so often I had learned to live with it.
“Oh God I am so sorry!”
I apologised. I made as though I was about to pat him and he shrugged back and nervously smiled saying,
“Nope, definitely not risking that again!”
It was more like a joke but I felt kind of awkward.
“So why were you here in any case?”
He asked me. Eh, I had even forgotten I was here for something.
“I still have to get my prescription filled so let’s do it together!”
He said. My dreamlike state was gone now after that electricity shock so I was fine again.
“Yes let’s and I am sorry again!”
I told him.
“Nah its fine. I should have seen it coming. A woman as beautiful as you has to pack a punch somewhere somehow!”
He said. What a cheesy comment but at that moment it was the perfect kind of cheese to let my guard down again. When we got back the line at the dispensary there was no one there. He gave me way to go through first and I obliged. Who said chivalry was dead?
I said as I went through. Imagine my shock when he came with me! What the hell?
“Are you guys together?”
The ugly looking pharmacist asked and from my sixth sense I could see she was checking out my man, I mean friend.
“Yes we are together. My girlfriend here thinks that I should wait in the car so that other men can check her out! Imagine! What should I do?”
He asked her with a serious tone but I could hear the humour in his voice. Did he say girlfriend? I am sure my relatives in Venda could have felt the envy she vibed at that moment because this man was yummy.
“No sir, she must always come with you?”
“Thank you. Told you love, I was not being paranoid?”
He said with a jovial voice,
He said to her,
“Where do I find your condoms?”
He asked. Oh wow! At this stage I was in full blush and I really needed to pee!
“They are over there by the counter!”
She responded and funny enough she blushing too. This guy had managed to pay me a compliment and made another woman blush! Who does that?
“Your prescription is ready. I see you called in before you came so it’s packed already. The contraceptive you often use was not there so we gave you the generic!”
She said. I could not even argue because I knew he was going to have a funny thing to say about that and I did not want that to happen in front of her again. I did not have to pay as I was covered by medical aid and he still had to pay for his fragrance. In the line to pay he asked me,
“What message do you think they are sending when they put condoms next to sweets?”
And with that I burst out laughing. Oh God no, my pee was about to come out. I could not hold it in anymore so I ran out to go to the bathroom.
“Wait for me outside please! I really have to go!”
I said. I handed him my bag and I could hear him laughing. I ran for my life. I was so pressed and the laughter had loosened me up. This was so embarrassing but when you got to go, you got to go. Only when I was done did it hit me that I had made a complete joke out of myself. If I had not given him my bag I would never have come out Shem but alas, I had to. I could not take too long because he would think I was doing number two! Fuuuuuuuck! I washed my hands and guess what, I used the last tissue! This was Melrose for crying out loud and the air dryer was not working. I had to walk out though with my hands dripping. I could not dry them on my skirt either because it could look like I had wet myself. You should have seen me wave my hands around to try and fan them ah. It was hilarious. The humiliation levels were beyond I can’t even describe at the moment.
I walked out of the bathroom with held up high like a lady. A woman no matter what should always recover from a moment like this with highest level of dignity and composure. My hands were not fully dry but they were not dripping either.
“Goodness I thought I was going to burst!”
I said when I approached him. It’s always safer when you start the conversation first so that you direct it; show him you are completely fine with what just happened.
“Yeah I saw. You have lost a bit of weight since you went there hey…”
He said with a cheesy grin.
I asked him. I didn’t get it at all but stupidly I had fallen for it.
“Runny tummy? Must have been bloated!”
He said in what was obviously a joke and the childish prick laughed at me again. I found myself laughing out of humiliation, annoyed at his childishness BUT completely smitten at his easy going cavalier charm!
Mama I was in trouble!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Thank you sir for reading this.
I have been fortunate and blessed to have dated and married the most amazing man ever. We dated for four years then married for seven years. He was the same man who introduced me to your blogs Mr. Mike. We did everything together, fought, cried, made up, built a future and shared two children. A month and a half ago that man died. It was sudden. He was sick for three days and on the forth, post-surgery, he died. Needless to say I was divested; I still am and fell apart. At the funeral another woman showed up saying that she was carrying his child. I know her as his colleague who had always supported us and covered from him at work. She was his senior at work. I thought she was playing a cruel joke on me but she started showing me conversation between them about how he loved her and so on. Here was a man who never a put a foot wrong at home. We had it all, date night now, surprise holidays, financially taken care, attention to detail and the works. I can’t even remember the last time he was not there to have been having an affair right under my nose. I am not even angry at him and that’s the worst part. I loved him so much yet I can’t feel his betrayal. I am hurt, it hurts a lot but I am not angry. I am scared I will fall apart soon and for the sake of our kids I cannot do that.
Please advise me on what I should do to heal, move on and still preserve the memory of the best man I ever knew even under these circumstances.