Growing Up – Chapter 49

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Having an affair is very risky because you could potentially lose a person you love and destroy something that took you years to build all because you were driven by lust. Lust is very dangerous because it is an inconstant and confusing feeling. When you get involved in a relationship because of lust, the relationship is most likely to fail. The relationship fails because you have confused lust with love, and when you have satisfied your lust, there is no longer a need for you to be in the relationship. My relationship with Apostle Thulani was very confusing to me because I wasn’t sure whether it was driven by lust or love. I had no doubt in my heart and I was sure that I love Philani, but whatever I felt for the Apostle was threatening to overshadow what I felt for Philani.

I never wanted to hurt Philani, but things happened the way they were supposed to happen. I knew that he was eventually going to find out about Apostle Thulani and, but I didn’t think it was going to happen so soon and I thought he was going to find out from me or Apostle, not my aunt. How did my aunt even find out about this? Why did she tell Philani? I was so angry and scared at the same time, angry at my aunt and scared of what Philani was going to do or say.

“Baby I can explain.” I said.

He looked up and said “Explain what Hlengiwe? Why did I have to find out from your aunt? I thought we had open communication in this relationship.” He paused, stood up and walked around the room. I didn’t want to say anything because I wasn’t sure about how much he knew and I didn’t want to speak and end up revealing things he didn’t know, which would make the situation even worse.

He then continued to say “Are you telling me that whenever we went to visit them, you saw that as an opportunity for yourself to get closer to the person? Are you even sad that you lost your sister or you were waiting for her to die, so that you can take her place?”

Okay now I was confused, I wasn’t sure whether he was talking about Apostle Thulani or about Mduduzi. So I continued to be quiet so that I could understand who he was talking about.

“Hlengiwe I understand the fact that your family wants you to get married to Mduduzi, but the fact that you agreed and didn’t discuss it or inform me hurts the most. I thought we had something special here, you want to lose all of that because you want to take over your sister’s life? You know that Mdu loves your sister, and I am just as rich as Mdu so I don’t understand why you agreed to marrying him. Why did I have to find out by receiving threatening phone calls and smses from your aunt telling me to leave you alone because you are going to take your sisters place and become the new Msibi bride.”

Now that I understood what he was talking about, I got the courage to speak up and defend myself.

“Philani firstly ne you can’t come here and accuse me of something you aren’t sure about. You are telling me that you thought we had something strong, if you really thought we had something strong then you were going to ask me exactly what is going on.

Yes the families told Mdu that he should marry me but we both refused mainly because we don’t love each other and I respect my sister very much. I will never do anything that will disrespect to her memory. I don’t know what my aunt made you believe but trust me I didn’t agree to their ridiculous request.”

He kept quiet for a while as if he was digesting what was I just said and he was cooking up an apropriate answer for me.

“Okay, but why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to find out from your aunt?” he asked.

I said “When was I going to tell you? Ever since my sister passed away, you haven’t made time to come and see or talk to me. The only time you came and spoke to me was when you told me that I should ‘get over my sister’s death and move on’ as if she was some unimportant person. When then was I going to get the time to tell you all of this? When you came to see me you came with your own agenda and I never got the chance to speak.

I wasn’t going to send you an sms telling you about something like this because you were going to complain and say I don’t know the kind of things that should be spoken over the phone and the kind of things that should be spoken in person. I saw this issue as something we need to speak face to face. The fact that you believe my aunt and you think so low of me really hurts.”

He responded “I am sorry baby, I am sorry for overreacting and not asking you first. Never think that I think low of you because I don’t, if I thought low of you, I wouldn’t be with you right now.”

“Okay Philani but you know what kind of a person my aunt is, she is a liar, manipulator and an exaggerator. So I don’t know when you became her number 1 supporter and started believing every word that comes out of her mouth. You and Mdu have become friends over the years, why would he want to do that to you? And why would I be with another man while I’m with you.” I said.

“Baby I’m sorry,” he said, “when she told me to stay away from you because you were now with Mdu, I didn’t use common sense because the thought of losing you drove me crazy. I know very well that you and Mdu would never do that to me but at that moment I was confused and angry. After her phone call, I fought hard to not drive straight to Mdu’s house and beat him up.

I’m glad I came here because if I had gone to his house, I was going to destroy our friendship and make a fool of myself. But honestly baby I am sorry, very sorry for overreacting.”

I said it was okay, I forgave him then he left. I stayed in my room because I was avoiding Tsiamo, my attempts to avoid her weren’t successful because she came to my room.

“Hlengy I know you think I’m a slut but I’m not. This isn’t something I planned, it just happened. That is why I’m telling you that it was the evil spirits because I honestly had no control over what I was doing. I found myself texing Tshepo, then I saw myself sending him naked pictures to lure him to me. You know I have morals, dignity and Jesus. I would never intentionally do this.” She said and I responded

“If it was the evil spirits that made you do this then why didn’t you pray and when you felt them attacking you? If it was the evil spirits then why do you have naked Pictures in your phone?

It is obvious that you have had these pictures for a long time and you were just lookingfor the right person to send them to.”

“No Hlengy these pictures weren’t always in my phone,” she said “I took them the day I was having a spiritual attack. I am very ashamed but I will talk to the Pastor and tell him what happened.”

“Don’t involve the old man in your wrong doings. Tsiamo the fact that you saved Tshepo as ‘Future Bae’ proves to me that you are lying. I don’t believe your whole ‘the evil spirits made me do it’ story, I am an adult, not a child. You are always telling Sihle that her boyfriend isn’t good for her, kanti all along you want him for yourself. As long as you behave like a snake, you will not find a good man and you will be miserable for the rest of your life.”

After saying that we heard Sihle opening the kitchen door while screaming ‘I am Home.’

We went out of the room and followed her to the lounge. She could sense the tension between Tsiamo and me but we assured her that there is nothing wrong. While we were eating she texted me and asked “Hlengy what is going on between you and Tsiamo? I can see that you are very angry at her, and she is trying to make a conversation with you.”

I was tempted to tell her the truth, because she deserved to know that her friend was a snake but I decided not to. I responded to her text by saying

‘It’s nothing serious nana. You know how irritating your friend can be, don’t worry about it.’

She then responded with a smiling emoticon. We continued to have dinner and I went to sleep straight after we finished eating.

I woke up early and was trapped in my thoughts, I thought about everything that I have been through and came to the decision that it was time I break up with Philani because we no longer needed one another in each other’s lives. I decided to send him a text saying

‘Philani I know you always say you love me but what you did today didn’t prove that you love me. You don’t care about the fact that I lost my sister and that I am still hurting. There are alot of things that hurt me but you seem to think that I should just get over them. You humiliated me infront of your family by making me look like a marriage crazy girl and insulting me as if their forcing us into marriage was my idea. When you found out that I had nothing to do with it, instead of trying to properly mend things, you give me a key to your new house as if that is suppose to make me happy. Then, without even being supportive, you tell me to get over my sister’s death. Then today’s scene…’s not the 1st time you accuse me of cheating on you Philani. I don’t know if it’s just me but I don’t think you still love me, the way you treat me has drastically changed. Today you didn’t even ask how am I doing and how am I dealing with the pressure from my family. After you got the answers you wanted you left. You don’t seem to care anymore. Maybe it’s time we put an end to this relationship and move on.’

After a few minutes I received 2 texts, I opened the 1st text and it was written “Okay it’s fine.”

Is that all he had to say? I was trying to break up with him and all he had to say was ‘Okay it’s fine.’

I clearly meant very little to him and this was the sad end of our relationship.

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