I am not impulsive! A man can have any woman he wants anytime and no one ever calls him impulsive. Its disrespectful to be called that because it belittles me as a woman. Why can’t I go for what I want like any man out there? Thulare was not my boyfriend and I had already told him that. He was scary and he was unstable. Why should I then suffer the unknown consequences that he will eventually bring with him? No thank you! I did not want him. Even as a friend he genuinely scared me. A woman had died under his watch yet no one seems to remember that.
Tidimallo said when he saw his standing there. He immediately ran out and said,
“Dude its not what you think!”
But Thulare just stood there and asked,
“What am I thinking?”
Eh! How do you answer that?
“What are you doing here standing outside my window peeping like this?”
I asked him angrily. He had no right to stalk me and in some countries more civilized than ours such people are put on a list and neighborhoods are warned of their existence.
“I wanted to come and apologize for everything I had done. You were unhappy with me so I bought muffins and wine. I figured you would need the company and someone to talk to with all that’s happening. I guess I was wrong!”
He said. His voice sounded as though it was about to crack and he was about to cry.
“Mate I assure you, nothing happened and nothing further still will happen!”
Tidimalo again tried to speak.
“I thought you were my friend. I really did. You hooked us up and I thought that was you having my back. You do not do that to someone you call a friend!”
Thulare said and slowly walked away. He did not look back as he entered his car and drove away. Tidimalo had his hands on his head at this stage.
“What the fuck did you do that for Faith? We are friends and good ones at that. We won’t date again. This was wrong, now I have to try and fix this!”
He said and he too drove out. Why was I the one being blamed for everything now? I did not want Thulare, I wanted Tidimalo but now that decision seemed to have been made for me whether I liked it or not. I trudged back into the house to lick my wounds because clearly I had messed up. Tidimalo would not take my calls and neither would Thulare. I sat and watched TV, Clash of the Choirs to be exact. Dozed off at some point for a few minutes though. It was getting dark so decided to close the curtains. I saw the lights of a car turn into the driveway. I knew it was not my sister so who could this be so late at night. I could not believe it. It was Mudenda’s car! He couldn’t possibly be back and at night nogal! What if my mother was here? I was going to tell him off the disrespectful bastard. When I got outside there was one person in the car and it was not Mudenda, nope, worse, it was Meladi!
“Mudenda is not here!”
I said immediately.
“I know he is not. He told me when he left!”
She said. This was a first. Normally when Mudenda came out it was almost by secret. This time it had been planned so they had to be up to something. They always were these two.
“We need to find a way to work together please!”
Meladi said calmly. I am not sure what she meant by us work together because she had on several times shown that I could not trust her.
“Why now though?”
I asked her. She was all of a sudden wanting to be my friend.
“Mudenda has changed so much and he talks about this new baby of yours so much. No its not annoying to me, please don’t get me wrong, I want him to love his son. I am tired of the fighting!”
She said. So she wanted this on her terms. She wanted this to be about her when it was Mudenda who was supposed to take responsibility of his own child without being taught it. Why do men have to be told what to do really though?
“Why did you not come with Mudenda when he came? Was it necessary that he comes first then you follow though?”
I asked her.
“He wanted it like that but I did not. He had to come make things right with you just like I have to make things right with you!”
She explained. The problem with a baby daddy is that they can make you run around in circles not just to get things done but for your life as a whole. Much as we tell ourselves that our lives do not revolve around them, the fact that we share something as precious as a child makes it so difficult to completely cut them out completely from our lives. Being a single mom with no money often means that you are stuck in a rut that’s virtually impossible to get out of. Life as you know it changes which is why I swear I often wonder why a woman below 23 would actively want a baby. Yes you love your baby but let’s be realistic, what choice do you have? I sit here and I can see girls my age taking trips overseas and going on holidays with no worry in the world. I don’t have that luxury because my first and only priority is my baby. They say you only live once but once you are a mother, you live for someone else! Sigh! I know as a mother you are never allowed to say this truth but sometimes I regret having a child so soon. Look at my life and tell me that you would wish this on another woman. If you are young and not a mother, keep that status a while longer because a child comes with more sacrifices than you can imagine. I love how women would tell you how cute your baby is in the shops but someone puts effort into that cuteness and that someone is me, the mom. They get to walk after telling you of this cuteness and you are left with your child. True story. Meladi just reminded me of this because if she indeed married Mudenda that means she will always be in my life! Sigh! Its like being punished over and over again for the same crime!
“Look, I am ashamed to admit to this but I was wrong in how I treated you and in how I handled everything that went down. I never intended to date Mudenda and for how things turned out between us. I was wrong in so many ways and because of my pride I don’t know, I never said this to you!”
She said. I looked around for those people from ‘You got Got!’ Because this had to be some kind of joke. Someone was pranking me and wanted to see how I will react.
“I am over it now, its life!”
I said rather bluntly because there no other way to say it sweetly.
“You were my friend, a good one at that and I did this to you. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for it!”
She said and she stood up and walked out. I was not going to follow her out. This was too strange. Nothing confuses a baby mama more than when the woman who is now sleeping with her baby daddy tries to be her friend! I had to call Aurelia and tell her.
She picked up the phone.
“Dude you wouldn’t believe who was here!”
I told her the whole story and she laughed at me saying that I seemed to be spinning around the same circle. She was right too at this. She told me that my boss had been trying to call her but she was done with that life. Men! Why do we always give them second chances? I ask this because I was thinking of Refilwe who had forgiven him as she had not divorced his cheating ass. She had to go though, something about a fashion at Gateway in Umhlanga. Lucky her.
I had put down the phone and started preparing supper when my phone rang. It was my mother.
I said cheerfully. When she left she had been rather down so I figured out that maybe I should be cheerful and lift up her mood!
“Am I talking to Faith Magongwa?”
A very strong firm voice said. I could hear police sireens in the background. It was not my mother.
“Yes you are? Who is this?”
“My name is Miriam Makibelo, I am a paramedic. There has been an accident and you must come to Bara.”
“An accident? Who was involved? Please don’t be vague!”
I asked her but she said she could not tell me I just needed to get to the hospital. I called my sister but she did not pick up. Instead her phone was off. I then called Tidimalo but I think because he was angry at me he too did not pick up. I tried Lunga and no hope. Finally I decided to call the last person I ever wanted to call. She had said she was around, Meladi.
“I am sorry to call you like this but I really need you. I got a call from a paramedic saying I should come to the hospital something has happened to my mother. I need a ride please I beg you!”
I cried on the phone. She said she was still pretty close I should not panic she was coming. I quickly packed up everything for Ruben and when she got here I was already at the door. I had tried my sister again and gain but that girl was just so frustrating. Meladi came with Mudenda but it was not my place to ask why or how. It was humbling to go into the backseat with both of them in the car. Its like the four main characters in my story had come full circle and we were sitting together.
I got to the hospital the same time with my father. Why had he not tried to call me though the fool? I had no time to be angry. We found the person we were supposed to look for. I had left the baby with Mudenda and Meladi but they had come into the hospital with me.
“I am sorry,”
The lady began,
“Sorry about what? What has happened?”
I asked her!
“Sorry about what? Tell me!”
I screamed at her.
“We lost them both!”
She said and then I got stuck!
“Both! What do you mean both?”
I asked her. My father then turned around to me and said,
“Dear Lord no! Your sister came looking for your mother angry that you told her she wanted to be kicked out. Her car however refused to start so your mother was on her way to drop her off at your house. That’s how they were together!”
My father said but all I could hear inside me was a small voice say no! Deny, deny, deny!
“I am really sorry! One of the nurses here worked with your mother, she was a good woman!”
She said and then walked away.
What should happen next?
I broke down and I cried. I cried firstly because of who I had lost but secondly because I had warned my sister I was the one who had caused her to follow my mother. Now they were dead. Mudenda and Meladi came to find out what was going on and as I told them, we all hugged.
I cried out loud.
“Why always me? Why must I suffer like this when you are there to protect me? Why must everything I love fall apart?”
I cried. I was broken, I was hurt, I was lost. It was because of all my rumblings from day one that had led to this moment, this thing of acting like I was the first and last baby mama in the world had cost me everything!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (facebook)
Herein ends our beloved story. Rumblings of a baby mama is a complicated story because it is an emotional story. The reality of life is such that the burden is always left on the woman. A broken heart is one of those experiences that all us as friends, family, well wishers can share, yet you can only experience the true pain alone. That is what a baby mama goes through, yes the whole village can help raise your child but it is you that has to be that first and last line of defence.
When we as men abandon a child and its mother we start a chain of events whose ending we can never predict. For one, she will never trust another person fully again because we taught her that men look after themselves only. Secondly, with some women it creates a bitterness that lasts forever especially when she has to scrape and scavange to feed her child whilst seeing him successful and taking care of other women. Its no secret that in South Africa a lot of men are abusive and because our physical abuse is so high we forget the emotional abuse too. Imagine how many single mothers are out there and how much they must have gone through when he walked out on her. That’s the abuse that destroys so many. Walk into any township, town, or village today, close your eyes and throw a stone in any direction and I can assure you it will hit an abandoned baby mama or child! That’s the legacy of our generation …
P.S. Look out for YOUNG EMPLOYED and SINGLE…