Growing Up – Chapter 46

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The fact that a lot of young people have drunk sex with strangers every different weekend is scary, some girls have sex with guy just because he bought them alcohol. Sex is deeper than just a physical act, and it shouldn’t be treated like a simple thing. A lot of people wake up next to strangers after every party or outing. Some women even have the guts to go to clubs without money and they know that they are going to get a man to finance their drinks, in exchange for sex. We give ourselves away for alcohol? Is that how much we value ourselves? We think that the perfect remuneration for a bottle of wine, whether expensive or affordable, is sex? Wow ne, I don’t know if alcohol has influence on people’s decisions or alcohol just gives people enough guts to do things they wouldn’t do if they were sober because clearly people don’t care about falling pregnant or worse contracting deadly deceases from someone you don’t know.

All the times I have had sex, I was in my right mind and knew what I was doing. Yes I didn’t plan to open my legs for the men I slept with, except Philani ofcourse, but I knew what I was doing when I let them kiss me, take off my clothes and let them caress my body. I was totally aware of everything I was getting myself into, although I regretted it when we were done, but I always enjoyed it while we were still doing it.

This was the 1st time I woke up next to a man and was wondering how we got there. I took my mind back to the previous night, I remembered that we went to a club and started drinking. After that I didn’t remember anything and I wasn’t familiar with the place we were at. Mdu was a regular drinker so I think he would remember what happened the previous night. I was afraid of waking him up but if I wanted to know what happened last night, I was supposed to wake him up. I shook him gently until he woke up.

“What is it Hlengiwe?” he asked in a grumpy manner.

I said “Mdu what happened? Why are we in bed together? Did we sleep together?” That was a very stupid question, I knew very well that we had sex.

He sat up and said “Eish Hlengiwe, you telling me that you forgot? So we had alot of drinks, I wasn’t as drunk as you were but I knew that we weren’t going to be able to drive back home. Luckily the club we were in rents rooms for people, so I decided that we will sleep here.” He paused then continued,

“When we arrived in this room, you went to vomit and stayed a while in the bathroom. I eventually fell asleep because I couldn’t wait for you to finish vomiting. You kept on waking me up and I tried to avoid you but you were persistent so I ended up waking up. You told me that you wanted us to have sex, I thought you were joking until you stripped off all your clothes. I kept on trying to push you away, but my efforts failed me because honestly you have s great body, so I couldn’t say no. Fortunately or unfortunately we found condoms in the drawers, so then yeah we got it on.”

I was so embarrassed, who the hell am I? When did I become a girl who sleeps with her dead sister’s husband? This isn’t what God expects from me. I was supposed to be a good girl, not this tramp I was turning into. Above the embarrassment, I felt guilt a lot of guilt. I was betraying my sister just a few days after her funeral, I wonder what she thought of me wherever she was. She was probably going to tell God to punish me for opening my legs for her husband. I didn’t plan this but it happened and I was wrong for my part. Why didn’t do stop me? He was aware of everything that was going on, he had the power to stop me, the fact that I have a sexy body shouldn’t be an excuse for him to have sex with me the very 1st chance he got. I’m completely blaming him, because I know I was also wrong. I was however glad that we used a condom.

After he told me what happened, I quickly got dressed and outside. He got dressed and followed me and was busy asking me to calm down. I stood next to the car I came with, and he asked me “Are you angry at me? I’m sorry for taking advantage of you.”

I honestly wasn’t angry with him, I was angry and embarrassed with myself.

“I’m not angry at you, I just feel guilty. We will talk tomorrow, I’ll come by to get the rest of the things I left at your house.” I said then I went into the car and drove away.

As I drove home, guilt was eating me up and I didn’t know what to do, I was so lost in my thought that I almost caused an accident. Luckily when I arrived home, there was no one there. I charged my phone, and as soon as I switched it on my phone was flooded with messages. I had messages from Philani, His mother, Apostle and Sihle. Sihle and Philani were asking about my whereabouts, Apostle was summoning me to his house and Philani mother wanted me to call her.

I sent Philani and Sihle messages telling them that I needed to get some fresh air but I was at home and I was safe.

I didn’t have the energy to deal with Apostle and I sent him a message telling him that I need a break from our ‘relationship’.

Then I called Philani’s mother, she went straight to the point as soon as she picked up the phone

“Hlengiwe sisi, I know you aren’t fine but we need to make a move with Philani before it gets too late.”

All the woman cared about was making sure that I fall pregnant with her grandchild very soon. I was dealing with a lot and I didn’t think having a child right now was a great plan. I decided to tell her that my family want me to marry Mdu, maybe she was going to slow down a bit.

“Ay mama, my family is forcing me to get married to my brother in law and Philani also asked me to move in with him, but I rejected his offer because I’m not ready. I have a lot going on right now mama, and I don’t think it is wise for me to have a child.” I said and she responded

“Hlengiwe how could you not agree to move in with him, are you mad? If you move in with him, it will tighten our plans. The fact that your family wants you to marry your brother in law is the more reason that we should continue with our plan. If you fall pregnant with another man’s child, they will not want their son to be associated to you. So make the best decision for everyone and fall pregnant. I can even buy you fertility pills to make the process faster.”

I didn’t want to argue with her, so I just told her that I will think about. Philani’s mom was being unfair and I don’t think she was doing this for me because if she was, she was going to give me a chance to mourn my sister. I don’t even think she was going to say this if I was her daughter. Good mothers protect their daughters and don’t want them to fall pregnant inorder to trap a man. They encourage them to remain good girls and tell them that they shouldn’t give wifely benefits to men who haven’t married them. This woman was proving that parents only have their children’s backs. What if I fell pregnant, then she didn’t encourage Philani to marry me. what if I was going to be one of those baby mama’s who will be treated like shit, or worse they could take my child from me and would be only allowed to visit them once a month. I didn’t trust the way she was pushing me to fall pregnant.

I spent the rest of the day crying because of the things I was finding myself doing. I was really disappointed in myself. Time went fast because Philani soon called me and told me that he was outside. I went to open for him and we went to sit in my room. He saw all the tissues lying on the floor, and asked me if I had been crying. I told him that I had been crying the whole day because I was thinking about my sister, and he said

“Baby I know you are hurting about your sister’s death, but it has been 2 weeks that she passed away and one week that we buried her. You must move on from her death, you need to stop acting like the president or Jesus just died. Death is a part of life that we have to face and get over as soon as we have buried the person. I know that you loved your sister, but this is becoming too much. Life has to go on sweetheart, I think your sister would appreciate it if she saw that you are going on with your life. Baby just move on and forget about your sister, you will never see her again.”

Yoh was this guy for real? Did he just say I must snap out of it and forget about someone I loved? How is one expected to just move on? Doesn’t the process of moving on take time? I surely can’t be expected to move on after such a short time. If it was one of his siblings that passed away, he was going to talk about them and mourn them for the entire year. I was really hurt by his words, so I politely kicked him out of the house. He thought I was joking, he only got the message when I raised my voice, then he left. I didn’t know until that day how inconsiderate Philani was, Iwas extremely shocked to hear him say the things he said. He had clearly thought out his entire speech when he was coming to my house.

When the girls arrived I told them what Philani said, they were so shocked. Sihle was disappointed because she always thought of Philani as an honourable, loving and considerate man. Tsiamo on the other hand was angry and she encouraged me to break up with him. Tsiamo might be a good friend of mine, but I will never allow friends to influence me into taking big decisions like ending a long term relationship with a man I love. I will break up with him when I see fit and that would be my decision and mine alone.

The ended quickly and the next day I woke up and decided to go to fetch my other clothes from my sister’s….oops I meant Mdu’s house.

When I arrived, I called out Mdu’s name but there was no response and I was shocked to see who walked down the stairs wearing my sister’s gown. This girl and her mother really wanted Mdu’s money at all costs.

“Hello cousin, sorry I couldn’t come to Thenjiwe’s funeral.”

This was my cousin, my aunt’s second daughter and she was here in my sister’s house acting like the house belonged to her.

My cousin is 19 years old and Mdu is 38 years old.

Was my aunt’s love for money driving her crazy?

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