As a mother you can never get used to it. Imagine having your children everyday, then being told that you can only see those children once in a while. That’s how I felt right now. I wonder how women in prison cope because I swear it can’t be easy. I was exhausted by this whole mess now. This was not life. I could see with the way my mother and sister were celebrating, to them it was a beautiful thing. I did not want to take that joy away from them any time soon. Tonight they must sleep with a smile on their faces because we had been through a lot. I had to leave this place because the emotional stress was too much. I know they say that when you are having problems you need people around to hold your hand. My problem was the people around me were crying with me which made it emotionally exhausting.
In the morning it was work all over again. I was actually looking forward to it because it meant that the day will move faster then I will get to go pick up Amo. I was very excited. Lunga wanted to spoil it by saying nonsense.
“I want to go and see Aurelia. Please come with me?” he said to me. I just looked at this stupid boy in awe. Had he not learned anything. Now it felt like we were just going round in circles and I was not going to go along with it. I was tired. I needed to focus on my baby and absolutely nothing else.
“I thought you are going to Limpopo?” I reminded him of the funeral. I think he had forgotten that too. Orapeleng needed us and it would not be nice if he did not go. I had too much on my plate so I was definitely out. I was having a good day and there always has to be someone to spoil it and Lunga was a rank amateur compared to what came next… Mudenda!
“I know you are the one that burned my car but you did not think this through. My insurance is investigating it so I can assure you right now, when they catch you there will be nowhere for you to run you pyschotic bitch!” he said bitterly when I picked up the phone. He did not even give me a chance to speak.
“Someone also tried to hack my bank account and I bet you yet again it was you! I don’t know why I never saw that you were a whore at the beginning but I think you had bewitched me that’s why I never saw what you were like from the beginning!” he rambled on. This guy took pleasure in cursing me out whenever he was having a bad day.
“I am sorry you think that but I hope they find the person who did that so you can see again that I am not your enemy.” I said sweetly. I was going to mind fuck this boy shem.
“Yeah you think you are clever. I am back with Meladi by the way.”
I could not help it but laugh. He is not the first man I know who will rather raise another man’s child as opposed to raising his own. These people really are amazing. He can abandon his own child and go above and beyond for someone else’s child.
“That’s sweet. I am happy for you!” I said. Again, I was in no mood to be rude to him. He wanted me to be rude to hum but I was not in that space. My baby was coming home today.
“I wrote you a poem hey!” I said. I don’t know where that came from but I just brought it out.
“You hated writing. The last time you wrote for me if you recall we laughed for days!” he said. It was true, I am not that creative but he was a reader. That’s the thing with us girls, when we find something we like in a guy we work hard at nursing his ego through it.
“Well I don’t want to see it!” he said cheekily.
“It’s ok, I will put it on my facebook and just tag you in it. The whole world will see it and let’s see what they say about perfect Mudenda!” I said. He tried to stop me but then I ignored him. I was inspired by my disdain for him and Meladi and everyone nowadays out each other on social media so why not me. I went onto my facebook…
“Mudenda you have been the worst man in my life and I don’t know why God tested me with you in my life, because it’s a fate I will never wish on even a dog. It’s fine though because you are a man and your life is perfect because you get to get away with it. I don’t have that option. I wrote you something just so you know what it is you have done to me…
Black Woman’s Tears
Why is that to you I am too emotional when I cry, irrational when I disagree, jealous when I don’t like you on whatsapp always, wasteful with my money when I buy much needed shoes, automatically cheating when a man greets me and unfair when I tell you to stop doing something?
Why does it feel like a curse to be born black and born a woman?
Why do I feel like at every moment of every day I have to prove myself to you and everyone else?
Why do I have to do more than others to be less at the end of the day?
Why am I good enough for you to pound with your manhood but not good enough for you to make an honest wife out of?
Why should I ever cry at your hand for you to feel like that is what makes you a man?
Why do I need a holiday dedicated to me just to be appreciated and even then you say it’s asking for too much?
How is it possible that I can be the mother of your child and your punching bag at the same time?
How does my pain make you go around saying I am a strong woman yet if all I do is smile you think I am spoiled and have it too easy?
Why do I constantly have to prove my love for you when we have been together for so long yet you lie and cheat on me?
Why do you treat me like I am a child incapable of thinking for myself and that you are the one that knows what’s best for us?
Where is it written that I should be the one that always says I am sorry just for us to stop fighting and that men cannot use those words like it would destroy their manhood?
Show me where it is written that you are always right because often I get in trouble just to try understand you?
Is it not enough that I cook and clean after you even after doing my own work at work, just like you yet you constantly say I am lazy and useless in the kitchen.
Is it not enough that those 8 hours of labour should have been when I showed my strength not when I wipe my tears after you have had your belt on me?
Is it not enough that you made me give up all my friends because you don’t trust them but you kept all of yours?
Is it not enough that I don’t go out at night anymore but at 2am in the morning I am calling to remind you to lock the gate when you enter?
When you say you love me you act as though it’s a painful and a heavy thing to say but when I do you take it as a matter of fact and the way things should be?
You threw me on the ground when I was pregnant, you hit me when I was carrying your baby yet you get to walk away squeaky clean and say that no, you can’t even pay maintenance! You will rather raise a sugar daddy’s child, from a girl who was like a sister to me than come see you own sick child. This is the man you call yourself Mudenda but it’s ok, God Bless you”
I posted it on FB and posted his picture on the post. I know I was being low but who cares. I was hurting and he was not. All he wanted in his petty little head was revenge. He had no love for me or our baby so why should I care about his feelings and ego. You know how social media is though, within five minutes of the post and I really have to wonder how fast people read, the comments started pouring in. Women love commenting on men who are douche bags. I had tagged Mudenda and Meladi by name and surname so that everyone could click on the link. The comments were quick and were brutal.
My phone was ringing within thirty minutes. Some of these people I had last spoken to in university. They were all concerned about how he had treated me and that they all thought he was a good guy. I think I enjoy punishing this boy because he too called me. I did not pick up his phone but when Meladi’s name showed up on my screen I picked up.
“What is wrong with you?” she asked me as thought at her wits end.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?” I asked her innocently.
“How can you tag me in such a post? Why do you constantly want us to fight? Everyone is calling me names and that I’m a whore! Someone even said they wished my child would die!” she cried to me. I guess when the shoe finally moves to your foot you get to understand what the other woman went through.
“Please take it down or untag me at the very least?” she begged me. For a moment I was tempted to do so but why should I?
“Did they lie though when they called you all those unflattering names. You were my friend Meladi and you turned around and did this to me!” I said to her.
“I am sick of you playing the victim. I did not make him come to me. I never at any moment walked into your relationship and had him cheat with me. That is Zama and not me!” she said defending herself yet again. But I was not the least bit interested.
“I am not taking it down. Let the whole world see you for who you really are! You have always wanted to look like a saint when all you do is hurt others!”.
She screamed some obscenities at me but who cares. I hung up and let the dice roll.
Let’s see what the day brings!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Dear Mike and readers.
Hi everyone. Thank you Mike for the daily dose.
I am a 24 year old lady who has been dating the same guy for almost 11 years now, he is 27. We have had our ups and downs but we are still together. Our families both approve of our relationship. He works while I do not but I come from a “better” family than he does because my mom could take care of me and my siblings while his mom didn’t have a good income so it was hard for her to make ends meet.
Growing up I understood his situation and I used to share whatever I have with him but now that he is grown up and he works I thought that things would change. Throughout his internship year I probably topped him up every month from my allowance a d when he bought a car he had to put up a loan as his job needed him to have transport, again I paid off the loan as he was struggling with it (from the money my mom had saved for my varsity fees as I had funding). When he wanted to buy furniture he came back to me again… He does buy me things every now and again but when we go out and stuff I’m usually the one paying still from the lil that I get from home and save.
Last year I encouraged him to open a 32 day notice account just so he could have some savings and this year after finding out I am pregnant last month I asked him about the account and he said he he used up the money cause he wasn’t getting anything from the interest rates. I had to use my own money again for the doctors and I have been going up and down from Doctor to doctor with my own money. He was broke the whole of January but somehow I heard him talking about using his bank card to buy booze after I believed he didn’t have a cent to his name.
See I love this guy but I feel like I will be paying for him all my life, I don’t even work but I manage my finances better. Sometimes I can’t even believe how ignorant he is. Would it be wrong of me to leave this relationship? I also found out he is busy with some girls on his whatsapp, do I keep quiet cause I know I am the girl he wants to marry some day? He still stays at home with his parents and I can’t even sleep over. 11 years later and this relationship is not going anywhere. Job hunting is frustrating enough but a relationship that is not going anywhere does not make life any easier. How do I deal with this?
Sorry for the long letter, I just couldn’t stop.