Some people just don’t have boundaries, you are not supposed to go to people’s houses at night. The person at my door was the last person I expected to see, especially at this hour. I won’t lie though, I was happy to see him. He walked in and I asked “What are you doing here at this hour Bab’ Nhlapo?”.
“I thought that since my wife is not around, we could finish what we started the other day. At least tonight we have the whole night, nothing and no one will disturb us” He said. I wanted him, but I felt guilty and I didn’t want him to think I was an easy girl.
In a desperate attempt to show him that I didn’t want him, I said “With all due respect Bab’Nhlapo, you are a married man and I respect both you and your wife. What happened between us the other day was a mistake, it was a moment of weakness between the both of us. I’m really disappointed that you would even have the nerve to come here and tell me that you want us to finish what we started. I’m a woman of God, and I will not use my body in an ungodly manner. So please leave me in peace or else I will call your wife and tell her everything”, trying to sound convincing was hard because I didn’t mean all the things I said.
He just looked at me, walked towards me and confidently said “I know you want me Hlengy. There is nothing wrong with that, it is normal for attractive people like us to find each other attractive.”
His eyes were filled with lust, and he ran his hands down my body, I let him. His touch was weakening my mind and every spiritual sense in me, and awakening all my sexual senses. This was wrong on all levels but it felt so good. I let myself go and gave myself to him. He gave me the best night of my life, I was enjoying everything he did and made me do. After he left I came to the realisation that I was messed up. I was becoming a person I vowed I’ll never be. I lost my virginity, not even a year ago, but I’ve already slept with 3 men. I have never felt so dirty, cheap and guilty in my entire life, like I did at that moment. Before I experienced having sex, I always regarded myself as a good-girl that would only have sex with one man her entire life. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. Maybe I wasn’t becoming this person, maybe I was already this person. Maybe I’m so much like my mother than I have ever realised, I just needed the right circumstances to unleash the whore in me. It makes no sense to me that I was unable to stop myself from having sex with Bab’ Nhlapo, I was really unhappy with myself.
I was a mess, a hot sexy mess. I was throwing myself at men, I was in love with 2 men and the one I have loved the longest doesn’t seem to love me the way I loved him. I needed Guidance from God, so I prayed and meditated on the Word of God. I don’t know when I fell asleep again because I when I woke up it was 11am.
“Hlengiwe my child please meet me at town for lunch, we will meet at 1pm. I want us to talk.”
This is a message I received from Philani’s mother a few minutes after I had woken up. I dragged myself out of bed and took a bath. I left the house and made my way to the mall, Philani’s mom told me where we are going to meet, I went there and found her waiting for me.
“Hlengiwe how are you my child. I’m sorry for not warning you about what we were going to talk about yesterday. I didn’t expect Philani to speak to you the way he did” she said as soon as we had placed our orders.
I replied “It’s okay mama, Philani has a lot of issues. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to marry me. Maybe I’m not woman enough for him.”
She looked at me with sympathy in her eyes and said “You are woman enough, more than woman enough for him. I have a plan to make him marry you that is if you do want him to marry you. I know this will sound crazy but just think about it”. She paused to drink her water, and then she continued, “One thing I have known about Philani since his teenage years is that he doesn’t want to have children outside marriage. He has always maintained that he will marry a woman if she ever fell pregnant with his child. So the only option we have now Hlengiwe is that you need to fall pregnant for him. If you do so, he will pay lobola before the child is born and you will have a lavish wedding and live the life you have always wanted. I know you are still growing as a young woman, so I will gladly help you with the little one because…”
I interrupted her “Mama with all due respect, I need to understand why you are trying so hard to convince Philani to marry me?”
She smiled and said “Because I have seen the way you look at Philani and the way you treat him. You are the kind of woman I have always wanted for my son and I’m happy he has found you. I am his mother, I know what’s best for him and I don’t want him to lose you.”
I was flattered, but I was a bit sceptical about the pregnancy thing. I am nowhere ready to be anyone’s mommy. Children take up a lot of time, they need love, care and attention and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to give all of that. Would this plan even work? What if falling pregnant pushes him further away? I didn’t want to be a baby mama that has to beg the baby daddy to spend time with his child or give me money for baby things. Philani has his own mind and he might even take away the child just to prove a point.
“Mama I’m not sure how that will work because Philani knows that I take contraceptives” I said. She stopped to think for a moment then said “That isn’t a problem, you will say you forgot to take the pill one day and that was enough to make you fall pregnant. It happens to many women, so it’s not a train smash.”
I agreed with her but I asked her to give me some time to think about it because this was a huge step to take. I wondered if a baby would trap Philani into wanting to tie the knot. As much as I wanted to be with Philani for the rest of my life, I didn’t want him to feel trapped and I didn’t think it was cool to trick him. Actually I shouldn’t even beg him to marry because I had someone else in my life. So Philani can go and hang himself.
After we had our lunch I wanted to visit my sister, but I was lazy so instead I called her.
“Haw nana I was just thinking about you. I miss you, come and see your sister please” she said as soon as she responded. After much debate I decided to take a cab to her house because I thought it would do me so much good if I spoke to my sister about the recent events taking place in my life. When I arrived at her house I found her and baby Letho taking a nap. I woke her up and she was happy to see me. Baby Letho was growing too fast, I swear very soon I’m going to find her running around and causing havoc.
As soon as my sister asked me how I am doing, I burst out and cried. I don’t know whether I was crying because my boyfriend said some hurtful things to me, or because I didn’t like the woman I was becoming. She let me cry and when I had calmed down she asked me to tell her what was going on, why I was crying.
I hesitated to tell her, but I decided to speak because at least I know she won’t go around telling people the things I’ve been up to. “Eish Thenjiwe I don’t know where to begin. Firstly I went to have lunch with Philani’s family, they encouraged us to get married but he made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married. I have also had an affair with his Pastor and just last night I had sex with our neighbour Mr Nhlapo. At the rate I will end up being the village bicycle and I don’t want that.”
I could tell that she was shocked, but she tried to hide it “Don’t worry sisi, you are still young and maybe you unconsciously still want to explore sexually. Having had sex with many people isn’t right but that doesn’t make you a whore. Don’t beat yourself up too much. I didn’t think I would ever tell you this but maybe a year or 2 before I got married, I had regular sexual relations with a married man. I’m jealous shame, I have always been crushing on that man since he and his wife moved in but he never seemed to notice me, at least you got him.”
Was my sister serious though? Isn’t she supposed to scold me and tell me to stop the life I’m leading now? She either didn’t care, didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing or she didn’t want to come across as judgemental.
She continued to say “I think you should break up with Philani since he isn’t interested in having a marriage with you. I like Philani but if he doesn’t see a future with you, then what is the point of being with him?
I wasn’t ready to break up with Philani, but looking at the way things were, it was the best option. So I decided that I would break up with him as soon as I left my sister’s house. I complained to my sister about not having a car, she promised me that she will make a plan. But in the meantime she lent me her old car, and I was happy with it. Before I left, she said “I love you Hlengiwe, I don’t tell you often but I do. I only want the best for you and whatever happens in your life please remember that I love you and will always be here for you.” I also told her that I love her and that she and baby Letho were the most important people in my life.
I didn’t know what I was going to say to Philani, but I just had to remove him from my life. All the years we spent together were going to come to an end.
I drove to Philani’s house and when I was outside the door, I heard “YES YES I WILL MARRY YOU!”
It was a familiar female voice.
OH NO HE DIDN’T!!!!