Only a woman who has never been with a man who has a big dick will think that these are nice life problems! The truth is they are not! As women we often complain at how small a man’s dick is, we want something that fills us and makes us feel satisfied. Rarely do we ever consider the opposite side of the scale! Explains why I had never seen him wearing skinny jeans! It would just look like a disability! No, I am wrong, let me correct myself, he was disabled! His thing was bigger than Amo’s arm when not erect! It would destroy me if it got near my garden. I could just see the next man that came after me trying to get in there? It will be like putting a pencil in an empty can of beans and hoping by some miracle to create friction on the side! It explained so much to me at that moment. Remember I questioned why Thulare would want to date me and now I knew. There is a myth perpetuated by men especially that once a woman gives birth, her vagina is loose enough to accommodate anything. Well they are wrong! My honey pot was still nice and tight so was not open for ramming! All these thoughts just made me want to laugh but he was standing right there.
“Where is the bathroom please? I want to clean myself up as I will be sticky and smelly if I leave without cleaning up?”
He asked me. Clean up what, this dude had cum in my mouth! I was the one who needed cleaning up. I pointed it out with my hands still covering my mouth to prevent the giggle from coming out. Today I had grown up shem! I thought these things were myth but wow. Maybe I could become his pimp and hire him out to all those girls who needed a pounding.
“Thulare, love, don’t be self-conscious please. It’s just that this was the last thing I expected.”
I told him when he came back. He managed a wry smile and I was grateful that he was not going to do his uptight thing.
“At least you didn’t faint!”
He said cracking a joke of which I wide eyed and shocked asked,
“Has someone fainted before?”
I would not be surprised at all because part of me had died of shock inside when I first laid my eyes on it.
“No! Really Faith now you just being childish!”
He said a bit annoyed but he managed to laugh at the same time.
“My mother said she is going to be late so do you mind if I cook for us? Are you in a rush?”
He said he was not which was a relief because I felt that we had turned a corner. He was getting to know the real me and I liked that he knew that I was not going to be scared of him in the relationship no matter how much I respected him.
“So are you saying you are going to cook for me?”
He asked teasing me yet again. I said yes. I am proud as a woman to know how to cook and cook well at that. I want to have a house with a large kitchen because I love cooking and my family must eat the food i make. I am not like these new age fakes that tell you that they can’t cook or how it degrades women! Since when has feeding yourself been degrading… Sies! I will cook for my man,if I want to, I don’t need a manual to be told what’s right and what’s wrong. Thulare did not know what was going to hit him because I knew that once I cooked for him he was mine. The real korobela comes from the brains and work ethic in a woman. It comes from being smart in the office and in life but also being an excellent cook goes a long way and that’s what makes a man come back. Even white people know this shit, they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach so yes ladies, when you can’t cook and your man is fucking the maid, don’t forget I told you that! You with your fake nails, fake hair, fake eyelashes trying to compete in the kitchen with these pretty rural Lesotho maids, Good luck Miss Angelou! It’s not about how many bottles of moet I can drink in a club or how short a skirt I wear. It’s about things that I do in the home and how well I do them. Hell it’s not even about the greatest sex but about the little things that make you whole as a woman.
“Why are you cooking again there is food?”
he asked me. He was right but i felt it a bit disrespectful to dish him food my mother cooked. I explained this and he understood.
“Do you even know how to chop onions or tomatoes?”
I asked him and he said he did but big blocks because he feared he would cut himself. That automatically told me that he could not cook and was a boiler like must men. I told him that I was going to teach him and he was more than game.
At first I was not sure what to cook but eventually I settled on fish. I hate fish mind you but to be honest there was no other meat in fridge and was too embarrassed to let him know that. I am also bad at cooking fish. My mother always says fish is for poor people that’s why Jesus gave to people on the Mount.
Amo was up now and was crying. I had to feed him and bath him. My poor baby had been stuck in bed for two days now as he had been sleeping a lot lately. As I was till cutting onions I asked Thulare to hold him. The way he was so loving, I could not help but wonder if he was this loving to his own child. It’s very rare to have a man treat your child like this meaning that he must be a great father, Babies are weird creations at times. When Thulare put on the TV Amo started giggling at it and he put him down so he could watch TV. My food was coming out right which made me happy. Thulare came and stood with me in the kitchen. I wish I had my own place. This would have been a perfect moment to have a glass of wine in hand. We chatted a bit about his child and he said that he was going to come pick me up tomorrow after work to come see her I didn’t mind that at all. It was time I guess and the curiosity in me was quite peaked at this moment. We had dinner just the two of us and he loved my cooking. He said if ever I should come visit him I should tell him what to buy so that I can cook again. I bet you the feminists at this point are saying that’s sexist. Funny world we live in. We were just getting done when there was a knock on the door. Mara satani is following me everywhere! It was Meladi and Mudenda. Mudenda stayed in the car and Meladi with her big belly was standing there.
“I was expecting you earlier!”
I said sarcastically and walked away from the door so she could enter.
“Lalela Sisi, stay away from my man! The first thing I did when he came back was inspect his body. He has two large love bites on his neck and scratch marks on his back! You slept with him didn’t you!”
She said which just left me stunned but handled it cool. Thulare was in the kitchen and I figured if he eavesdropped I would get in trouble so I laughed and called him saying,
“Thulare come hear what your cousin is saying.”
He walked in from the kitchen. Meladi had not expected him to be there because she was genuinely surprised to see him not that she cared anyway.
“Please repeat what you said because this storyline is getting old! We do this all the time. Now I want there to be a witness! Baby listen carefully!”
I said to Thulare just to mock her. He looked so homely as he was wearing an apron. He was helping me with dishes and the scene made us look like such a loving couple.
“You tell him!”
She said annoyed at the fact that I was telling her what to do. I did not mind.
“Meladi said when she got home, she took her dogs clothes off, by dog I mean Mudenda, and inspected him like he had fleas or something. She said she found two love bites and scratch marks on his body and thinks that I put them there.”
I said confidently.
“You inspect him every time he goes out? Wow thats… desperate!”
Thulare said which really embarrassed Meladi. It was my turn though,
“Meladi you have always known me, I don’t keep long nails. I could never have scratched anyone even if I tried… look…”
I showed her my nails. It’s true, I hate long nails. They are too much work. Even in university I never kept them.
“As for the love bites, why would I want to put them there? Why would I put my lips on that man ever again? You need to stop worrying about me and start taking care of your baby. I don’t want Mudenda and frankly speaking, still can’t figure out how once upon a time I lowered my standards so low to open my legs to him! But oh well, we all have slutty weak moments don’t we…”
That stung. Something was on my mind thought. It’s true I had not left those things there. Mudenda had found someone else to sleep with after he left Sun City. I also think the scratch marks he had done on purpose because who would be so dumb to let that happen to him. As for the inspection? I have heard of women who inspect their men every time they go out but never actually knew someone in that situation. I did say Mudenda was not happy with Meladi but I guess I just sounded like a jealous ex.
“I am sorry but it’s not me. Welcome to what I went through with him. Meladi we have our differences but have you ever seen me coming to attack you? I never call you or insult you. And this trip you know I did not want to go and your family forced me. Woman to woman though, mother to mother, I would never do that to you!”
I said ushering her to the door! Deep down the little tokoloshe in me was doing somersaults with joy. I don’t care who you are, when your ex, the one you hate, is fucking up, it brings tears of joy to your eyes. Worse, if it’s happening to the woman that stole your man. I wish I could do a split right now just to show how happy I was.
“Eish Faith I don’t know what to do with him! He is always moody when he comes home and I think he doesn’t even like coming home. I need your help please. I know you hate me for what I did to you and I am sorry. I am sorry every day. I lost all my friends. Zama and Aurelia don’t talk to me. Even the guys look at me like I am scum. Do you know that Skapi asked me straight to my face how I can call myself a woman for doing that to you. They call me ‘Ausi Bonang’ to my face. Thulare does not even bother trying to stop them anymore because they are right. I am sorry!”
She said crying. Then she clutched her stomach. What now?
“Mudenda get here!”
I called him. There was flood of water that came through her skirt.
“No no, it’s too soon!”
She said. Her water had broken! Why Lord, why me? Why must it be at my house of all places! For your water to break at your enemies house!
And I had to clean that shit up!
God was really having a joke at my expense!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto
Hi Mike & readers
I need help. I obsess over people who have hurt me. I’m currently obsessing over my ex, the one I believe he’s THE ONE. My obsession got so bad that I stalked him & his ex gf a few years back. I’m also obsessing over the ex gf, we were @ da same place over the weekend. I want to see everything she does & with whom. I think I’m gonna lose my mind or do something stupid again.
I need help, NOT insults and judgements. It kills me inside because I don’t know how to stop. Whenever I see either of them I get so excited and start acting up. I just want to remove them from my memory and pretend like I don’t know them when I do see them. Please guys this is ruining me