There are times when you do things without thinking and literally just hope for the best. These are the times when you are put in a corner and actually realize or figure out that you have no answers and no solutions to what’s in front of you. This is you not giving up but trying to make the best of a situation. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt me that my father could actually bring another woman to the house, girl or not and force my mother to decide. He is a cruel man yes because of his business interests but not to this point. If being low had levels then this was being low at basement levels. How could he even think this would work? My mother has always been a proud woman and I am not even kidding when I say this, she was going to kill this girl. I don’t mean this figuratively I mean it for real. This was beyond being a woman scorned. There is a song by some Zimbabwean guy, Oliver Mtukudzi called “Handiende” which is of a woman telling her husband who is about to throw her out and replace her with someone else that she is not leaving no matter what! She did not build this house to be thrown out of it like a stray dog in your kitchen. She had raised us all in that home and it was her home! Hell would freeze over and snow first before she would be thrown out and worse be disrespected by a child. She will kill her and won’t even bother using poison! I had to go home but first please my father!
“Ok what do you suggest?”
He asked when I hesitated to speak first. I had to. I was not sure what to say like I said.
“Firstly papa you can’t divorce mum no matter what. You cannot replace your wife of so many years with a child younger than your marriage!”
I warned him!
“Did you call to lecture me?”
He said calmly. He was not even angry the bastard.
“No. If I am to help you we must establish boundaries first. I cannot possibly help you to divorce my own mother!”
I told him.
“Ok fine what’s on your mind!”?
“I am coming home tomorrow or the day after. Let me meet her first before you introduce mom to her. It’s not about me approving her but about seeing how best to ease mom into it!”
I told him. My father is usually a stubborn man but the way he is so readily agreed to it showed that he must have been looking for a solution for a long time. He needed this to happen badly meaning he really liked her. This was worse than I thought.
“On your side please turn back your dog’s otherwise you are putting us all in danger!”
I begged him. He said he had already called them back off earlier when we spoke but warned that it did not mean I should not keep my side of the bargain. I did not push because I really wanted to see who was this girl that had brought one of the biggest taxi bosses to his knees literally and figuratively. Men should never ever underestimate the power of a pussy! Oops! Did I say that out loud?
“When you come bring my grandchild with? Take her out of that God awful place please!”
He said and he hung up. I was going to see my daughter. Yes she had been bad but suddenly I missed her. I wanted to see her so badly.
“Sizwe, let’s go see Lintle!”
I said picking up my car keys.
“I think it’s too soon! She needs to learn a thing or two! If we do it now we will break the cycle so we cant!”
I was not listening. I was going to see my daughter! I walked out with him calling my name and I went to the car.
“What is wrong with you? Do you really always have to question my judgment?”
He said standing at the door!
“Then please come with me! I am a mother to one child and I want to see my daughter. That’s all I am asking. You can’t deny me that! I am trying to work with you hear but you not willing to move an inch!”
I pleaded with him. He hesitated and said he was going to drive. When you push that big head through that tiny hole you will fully understand why I would like to see my daughter. I really missed her, bad attitude and all.
The place was not too far but Jhb and it’s traffic means that a thirty minute trip is two hours. When we got there we asked for permission to see her. At first the attendant said no but some lady walked in and said after her stunt this is what she needed. She needed a reason to miss home and we were it. They called her to the office without telling her who was here. It was a good thing and what I wanted too.
When she walked and saw me she broke into tears and started crying. She ran to me and hugged me as well as her father.
“Please can I go home with you? I miss my bed and my friends! I miss everything about home! Please!”
She begged when she saw us. My heart broke. I was seeing my baby for the first time in days. I tried to keep a stern face when I asked her,
“But you having so much fun. You even lost your virginity that must have been nice!”
I said. Her father stood up immediately and said,
“What did you say?”
He said angrily. Immediately she said,
“No mum that was a joke. Nothing happened with anyone! I can even get tested! I am not that stupid!”
She defended herself standing as far away as possible from Sizwe because she was expecting a beat down.
“I wanted to piss you off that’s why I said all these things. I don’t think I should come home now. It’s too soon!”
She said all by herself. Now that was odd! What had made her change her mind? It was the weirdest thing. Was she having fun here? We had not brought here hear to be on a holiday. I told her about the pending trip to see my mother she told me to drive safe. That’s fair. I guess. When I left I was now ready to accept that she needed to be here.
“You were right sending her here.”
I told my husband. He often said I never ever accepted when I was wrong. Well today I was.
“Well I have bad news for you. She is only here for a few days. The judge was doing me a favour remember!”
My heart actually sank when I heard that. What kind of mother was I that did not want her own mother home? Eish! No she needed to be here I could not deal with her. I asked my husband to come to the Free State with me but he refused. He said he was tired of being insulted by my father. It was something I was glad of. I told him it was for the best that he stayed. It’s something I needed to do alone in any case.
When I got to my house there was a woman standing outside. By the looks of it she had just arrived and she looked furious. When I looked at her face she looked furious. I saw my husbands face turn to ash.
“Who is that?”
I asked concerned now!
“That is Nelisa’s mother he said!”
And all I said was,
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Hey Mike and the readers. I can accept every type of criticism I’m a big girl.
*Sorry for the long essay, it’s probably longer then the chapter*
I’m a 21 year old… I feel my life crumbled from the day I was born as my mother was young and wasn’t ready for me as she was still on about the party life, boys and booze. I don’t know about drugs but apparently you couldn’t put it past her. I was conceived from a one night stand luckily she knew who the daddy was n of course my dad waited till I popped out to know if I was really his but he never was part of my life. Apparently my mother loved me but I don’t really think so. I’m raised by my grandparents which were really strict and firm on me cause I am my ‘mother’s daughter’. So pretty much I felt like I reminded them of my mother n all the things she did and when I would show a tiny bit of rebelling I feel they would tell me stories of my mother that were all bad to hurt me. So the relationship between my gran and I was pretty sour.
Well in high school I really rebelled, would skip school to go drink with friends and some guys obviously as I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers or parties. I would get caught and the school would call my gran, at this point she was tired of beating me up but would always bring up my mother n her stories but funny thing is even if I would disappoint her she never told my grandpa about my shinanagens cause he would definitely kill me. My grandpa is hardcore and doesn’t take no nonsense and believes in a proper whipping to fix a child, when he is drunk he can really hurt you. Mind you when I was much younger my gran would hit me first and my grandpa would take over after and he wouldn’t care what he uses to beat me but if he finds something he uses in most cases it was a broomstick. See why I say whenever I did something I’d feel like I’m being punished for what my mother did.
My mother was killed by her lover. She was a victim of a possessive lover. Well that’s another story. I would steal, runaway from home, skip school, skip classes and have sex. In all of this I was even surprised each year how I would pass my grades. My whole childhood and my teens was just the hardest years and I was making it even hard for myself and I felt my gran made things even harder cause I wasn’t allowed to even go next door to play with other kids.
Sex comes with consequences, I had two pregnancies in high school which both resulted in me having an abortion. Each pregnancy was a year apart and with a different boy. Both were just happy with the decision of abortion as we were young and scared. I would rather kill myself then tell my ‘parents’ that I am pregnant. I was shit scared! Especially cause at home they are very religious and sex before marriage is a sin a huge one and abortion is the worst. Surprisingly my gran every pregnancy I’ve had, would always ask me if I am pregnant and I would take it as an insult infront of her but in my head I knew she was right and I would tell myself damn this women knows me too well. She was always spot on though. I started having sex in grade 9, I decided to just do it. I know immaturity!! I thought I was ready and old enough. A guy from church broke my virginity. After he took my virginity he would tell people how much a slut I was. That didn’t bug me much and so I moved on with my life. I’m actually surprised till today why it didn’t get to me as he took my virginity and never called again. And so I just started sleeping around then I’d date someone, and we qould casually have sex. I knew sex was between married people, therefore for me I never associated sex and love together. It’s just sex.
I’ve been told I’m very attractive, beautiful, amazing body with curves and I look pretty innocent. Alot of guys from church want to marry me and I always turn them down coz ngabe ngidlala ngeskhathi sabo. Mike I feel like since I’ve had abortions and I can have more than just one sexual partner that I am such a bad person. Well I don’t know what the readers might think. Like I can have sex with two different guys on the same day. I can gace sex with a guy and never speak to them again. This is sad coz im with someone that truly loves me. I’m great with hiding this bad side, sometimes I feel I’m just living a double life. I always attract the sweetest guys but I eventually get bored then I cheat, I’m always cheating. I just wish that I can commit but it’s seems impossible.
I’m currently dating this guy for 5 years now n we are on and off. I’m 21 and he is 30. I even introduced him to my gran and she loves him. She forever tells me if we break up it would be my fault. I am not the lovey dovey type of girl, i dont care what you get up to as long as you give me my time when i want it and you keep me happy by spoiling me. Our sex life is just bad from his part, he can never satisfy me nor keep his manhood up for the duration of the first round so I then seek pleasure somewhere else. He says I am the one and wants to marry me one day. I feel like if I marry him I will cheat on him as I am already cheating on him throughout the relationship. I love him but at times when I think about our sexual life the love is overcome with anger.
Had 2 other pregnancies in Varsity and also resulted in abortion. I just couldn’t have a baby with someone I didn’t love. And both the fathers were assholes and wanted nothing to do with me as soon as I told them I’m pregnant. Like how my gran was spot on about my pregnancies she was spot on about my last abortion, she asked me if I had an abortion. My head is pretty messed up now as I lost my mother and never felt that love and all these back door abortions I’ve had and the pain I would go through. I cry everytime now when I think about my babies and especially my mom. I feel I can’t love anyone as I don’t even think I love myself. Yes I feel beautiful and I like looking good. But I am not complete and will never will. If I told any guy that loves me about this side of me or my abortions I doubt anyone would love me. My parents would probably disown me.
I’m doing my last year of varsity, I’m pretty smart and even study through a bursary. My ‘parents’ are happy that I’ve straightened my life and I know what I want in life now. I put on a act of a changed good girl, I live a double life. I’m that type of girl a Zulu guy would be proud of to introduce to his family. I just hate this person that I am.
I pray at times but sometimes I stop myself coz I think what if with all that I’ve done and doing nje God has turned his back on me. How far can I sin against him till he washes his hands off me. I feel that God can never bless me with wonderful things in my life with the way I’ve sinned. It feels so wrong in the way I’ve been deceiving people I wish I could come clean but I don’t have the courage too. I want to stop stringing the poor guy along. Maybe I need to find someone who I can share all this with and won’t use the abortions against me and would understand how naive I was. But I doubt there are guys out there that would just get over 4 abortions.