Ok, when we women sing that we can divorce the bastard at anytime we never actually mean it. Good or bad going through a divorce is like trying to give birth to a rock. It’s like the courts are punishing you for breaking up the way it’s so complicated but that was not the reason why being divorced is not an easy thing to do. Being divorced by someone is to be dumped and to be dumped is to be rejected and told you are not worth it. Yes we can find ways to say it’s for the best and that the person never deserved you in the first place but rejection is rejection. As a woman especially at my age it’s like being discarded like a used tampon. Men know this. A divorced woman at forty struggles to find suitable partners no wonder why they end up with Ben 10s. How many though get one? Society and so called morals spit at us for even considering such. You also have kids who funny enough can stomach daddy dating again but rarely do they see their mommy in the same light. You become a victim of your age, imprisoned by the very same morality laws you impose on others! By this I mean we as women judge other women on this very point so there is no hiding from it as we see it too. My husband I am not even sure if he was asking for a divorce or was telling me that I asked for it. I know what I had said last night and wait, this man had beat me up yesterday so why was I having second thoughts about it?
“Sizwe can we talk about this?”
I asked him ignoring the lawyers.
“Excuse me guys. My wife seems to be having second thoughts about this!”
He said in what actually was a crude and cruel joke to me. He thought this was funny! I do not want to divorce my husband! Yes I had been angry and yes I had been disappointed by him. I did not want this at all.
“Sizwe I said all those things in anger! I am sorry!”
I said as soon as we were in the room with the money. Fuck, the money, it was still there! Had so much happened that I had forgotten this part.
“Yesterday when I fell to the floor you made a huge effort to really hurt me. When I punched you I made sure that I took you to bed, made sure you were safe! You on the other hand tried to kill me!”
He said lifting up his shirt. The bruises on his body were so profound I had done some damage. Yay girl power. I forgot to mention the bandage around his head covering the gash from the fall. My husband is actually really strong, had he really wanted to hurt me he would have but he didn’t.
“But Sizwe to call for divorce lawyers that’s over the top. We never fight or argue and these last few weeks have been an exception. I don’t think pressing the divorce button is the solution.”
I pleaded with him. I know for better or worse does not include beatings but we had had a fight and as far as I was concerned this was a draw. I know in the school yard the one who draws a nosebleed first wins meaning I won but I was not going to tell him that because I had blacked out.
“Sizwe, look at me, I have a swollen jaw over a fight I started. I see you making efforts to fix us and keep us together. Only yesterday you proposed to me again yet today you have divorce lawyers! What is this about?”
I asked him even though some of the answers I already had answers for!
“We have guests!”
He said and brushed past me. This was really happening. I was petrified. I called him back or rather pulled him back. When he turned I jumped back and acted as though I was about to block. I honestly thought he was going to hit me again.
“What are you doing? See what I mean. Now you will always think I will hit you again. This is why we can’t be together!”
He said loudly. I am sure the lawyers heard because it was like he forgot there were people in the house. My husband wanted to divorce me and had called lawyers and now was announcing that he was abusive. All the cards where in my favor. Our asserts were 50 50 and it didn’t take a genius to see that I would get Lintle if we broke it off now.
“Sizwe come on! Why are you being like this? We are married and happily too! Everything you want me to change about me I will try do! Don’t do this? It is a dumb move and you know it. We had one fight and that’s it!”
I pleaded with him to the point of going on my knees! Talk about a humbling moment in my entire existence. I do accept blame when I am wrong and on this one I have no doubt that I had played a huge role. If you spit at me I will moer you make no mistake about it!
“Ok then we shall see!”
He said and he lifted me off the floor.
“I am not that type of a man who wants to ever his wife on her knees. Please never beg me again like this. It’s embarrassing!”
He said to me! Embarrassing yeah but clearly it worked…for now at least. We went back in side and there was that awkwardness where people had eavesdropped and heard everything now they are acting like they had not.
Sizwe then spoke,
“Sorry guys. My wife and I want to tru fix things. Is there a therapist you can refer us to?”
He asked. The lady, Lynn Fester, was very annoyed by this and I am not sure whether it was because she was feeling for me woman to woman or it was because a business opportunity had slipped through her fingers. That’s the thing with lawyers, they want a case no matter what. To them it’s all about money and not trying to save you. She said she didn’t know anyone. They stood up to leave as my husband sat down. I walked them out. When got outside she turned to me and said,
“You don’t have to stay with an abusive husband. I have a lady I would like you to talk to. She is a client and friend. Hear her story and maybe you will see things differently.”
To be polite and to get rid of her I agreed. Her name is,
She said as she gave me her number. That sounded like an aunties name. Why would I even call her? When they left I went to the table where Sizwe was sitting waiting for me. I might not want a divorce but I was still angry at him. I swallowed my pride though.
“I am sorry about what I said in the car and for spitting at you yesterday.”
I said. He looked at me and said,
“I am sorry for slapping you and punching you as well but if we are going to survive, no in fact, the only way I am not going to go ahead with the divorce is if we go for therapy?”
He said. Say what?
I am a doctor and to us there is no science behind psychology hence it’s like politics, a bullshit science! You can’t study human nature because it’s unpredictable so what gives you the insight to give sound advice! Ever wondered why white people divorce more than us, it’s because they rely too much on therapists! There I said it.
“That’s my only condition. Your pride is killing this marriage and I am not going to tolerate this anymore!”
He said firmly and coldly.
I was not fighting back though. I wanted us to fix this so I agreed. The doorbell again, we were not expecting anyone.
“Hi I am Mxolisi Sibani! We spoke on the phone!”
It was the lawyer from Cape Town!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
Thank you for this opportunity to tell my story.
I have been married to the same man for fifteen years. I live in Pietermaritzburg and work here whilst he has been working in Ladysmith. We swap weekend and the like. About three months ago his neighbor, some nosey lady called me aside when I had gone there. My husband was out. She told me that my husband was gay and on a few occasions she had seen him kissing a man. She asked me if I knew and you can imagine the look on my face. I told her to mind her own business. She told me that my husbands boyfriend drove a red car with a broken light. She even described the man of it. I did not confront him. A month later he introduced me to a new friend of his who just happened to suit that description and drove that car. This time I confronted him about this and he denied everything. He even said there are no gays in Ladysmith and started calling them names. It was a convincing story but why am I failing to believe it? I can’t call my husband soft but he is not like other Zulu men. He is super clean and is very particular about this. That’s the only thing I can use against him which is dumb I know.
Please advise me on what to do before I make a mistake.
Yesterday we posted a letter that got a lot support from the readers. We have neglected our social responsibilities to ourselves and the community. We have a suggestion for everyone but only if you agree. We would like to launch a sub blog or forum for people infected, affected or with questions relating to HIV to participate in. A lot of the emails people asked to join a chatroom created by us here at Diary. I am not sure if they meant on Whatsapp or online. Regardless this is our first step.
Here is what we propose and you can reject the idea outright as this is a consultation only. We will create a forum in which people will register and remain anonymous. This platform will be used by all to post their frustration, health guides, support etc.
We already have those that want to offer support with their experience. That will be the good doctor, nurse and social worker whom I will then talk to depending on what you suggest. Lets shape our world and lets change the stigma and the perceptions. Michelle’s letter was touching because imagine she had no one to turn to. She turned to us so I believe we can actually make this an initiative. DOAZG is all about making society and communities to be aware of our day to day struggle, if we stick together we are stronger.
Its up to you readers to come up with a nice friendly name that will be used for our forum. We have many projects and timelines to adhere to but I strongly feel this is important. If you guys agree this sub blog or forum should be available to the public Monday 6th July 2015 then everyone can participate.
Its true if you not infected you are affected