Realities – Chapter Thirty One

Posted on Posted in Realities!

Ok, when we women sing that we can divorce the bastard at anytime we never actually mean it. Good or bad going through a divorce is like trying to give birth to a rock. It’s like the courts are punishing you for breaking up the way it’s so complicated but that was not the reason why being divorced is not an easy thing to do. Being divorced by someone is to be dumped and to be dumped is to be rejected and told you are not worth it. Yes we can find ways to say it’s for the best and that the person never deserved you in the first place but rejection is rejection. As a woman especially at my age it’s like being discarded like a used tampon. Men know this. A divorced woman at forty struggles to find suitable partners no wonder why they end up with Ben 10s. How many though get one? Society and so called morals spit at us for even considering such. You also have kids who funny enough can stomach daddy dating again but rarely do they see their mommy in the same light. You become a victim of your age, imprisoned by the very same morality laws you impose on others! By this I mean we as women judge other women on this very point so there is no hiding from it as we see it too. My husband I am not even sure if he was asking for a divorce or was telling me that I asked for it. I know what I had said last night and wait, this man had beat me up yesterday so why was I having second thoughts about it?

“Sizwe can we talk about this?”

I asked him ignoring the lawyers.

“Excuse me guys. My wife seems to be having second thoughts about this!”

He said in what actually was a crude and cruel joke to me. He thought this was funny! I do not want to divorce my husband! Yes I had been angry and yes I had been disappointed by him. I did not want this at all.

“Sizwe I said all those things in anger! I am sorry!”

I said as soon as we were in the room with the money. Fuck, the money, it was still there! Had so much happened that I had forgotten this part.

“Yesterday when I fell to the floor you made a huge effort to really hurt me. When I punched you I made sure that I took you to bed, made sure you were safe! You on the other hand tried to kill me!”

He said lifting up his shirt. The bruises on his body were so profound I had done some damage. Yay girl power. I forgot to mention the bandage around his head covering the gash from the fall. My husband is actually really strong, had he really wanted to hurt me he would have but he didn’t.

“But Sizwe to call for divorce lawyers that’s over the top. We never fight or argue and these last few weeks have been an exception. I don’t think pressing the divorce button is the solution.”

I pleaded with him. I know for better or worse does not include beatings but we had had a fight and as far as I was concerned this was a draw. I know in the school yard the one who draws a nosebleed first wins meaning I won but I was not going to tell him that because I had blacked out.

“Sizwe, look at me, I have a swollen jaw over a fight I started. I see you making efforts to fix us and keep us together. Only yesterday you proposed to me again yet today you have divorce lawyers! What is this about?”

I asked him even though some of the answers I already had answers for!

“We have guests!”

He said and brushed past me. This was really happening. I was petrified. I called him back or rather pulled him back. When he turned I jumped back and acted as though I was about to block. I honestly thought he was going to hit me again.

“What are you doing? See what I mean. Now you will always think I will hit you again. This is why we can’t be together!”

He said loudly. I am sure the lawyers heard because it was like he forgot there were people in the house. My husband wanted to divorce me and had called lawyers and now was announcing that he was abusive. All the cards where in my favor. Our asserts were 50 50 and it didn’t take a genius to see that I would get Lintle if we broke it off now.

“Sizwe come on! Why are you being like this? We are married and happily too! Everything you want me to change about me I will try do! Don’t do this? It is a dumb move and you know it. We had one fight and that’s it!”

I pleaded with him to the point of going on my knees! Talk about a humbling moment in my entire existence. I do accept blame when I am wrong and on this one I have no doubt that I had played a huge role. If you spit at me I will moer you make no mistake about it!

“Ok then we shall see!”

He said and he lifted me off the floor.

“I am not that type of a man who wants to ever his wife on her knees. Please never beg me again like this. It’s embarrassing!”

He said to me! Embarrassing yeah but clearly it worked…for now at least. We went back in side and there was that awkwardness where people had eavesdropped and heard everything now they are acting like they had not.

Sizwe then spoke,

“Sorry guys. My wife and I want to tru fix things. Is there a therapist you can refer us to?”

He asked. The lady, Lynn Fester, was very annoyed by this and I am not sure whether it was because she was feeling for me woman to woman or it was because a business opportunity had slipped through her fingers. That’s the thing with lawyers, they want a case no matter what. To them it’s all about money and not trying to save you. She said she didn’t know anyone. They stood up to leave as my husband sat down. I walked them out. When got outside she turned to me and said,

“You don’t have to stay with an abusive husband. I have a lady I would like you to talk to. She is a client and friend. Hear her story and maybe you will see things differently.”

To be polite and to get rid of her I agreed. Her name is,

“Lynda Maseko,”

She said as she gave me her number. That sounded like an aunties name. Why would I even call her? When they left I went to the table where Sizwe was sitting waiting for me. I might not want a divorce but I was still angry at him. I swallowed my pride though.

“I am sorry about what I said in the car and for spitting at you yesterday.”

I said. He looked at me and said,

“I am sorry for slapping you and punching you as well but if we are going to survive, no in fact, the only way I am not going to go ahead with the divorce is if we go for therapy?”

He said. Say what?

Hell no!

I am a doctor and to us there is no science behind psychology hence it’s like politics, a bullshit science! You can’t study human nature because it’s unpredictable so what gives you the insight to give sound advice! Ever wondered why white people divorce more than us, it’s because they rely too much on therapists! There I said it.

“That’s my only condition. Your pride is killing this marriage and I am not going to tolerate this anymore!”

He said firmly and coldly.

I was not fighting back though. I wanted us to fix this so I agreed. The doorbell again, we were not expecting anyone.

“Hi I am Mxolisi Sibani! We spoke on the phone!”

It was the lawyer from Cape Town!

******The End****

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Dear Mike

Thank you for this opportunity to tell my story.

I have been married to the same man for fifteen years. I live in Pietermaritzburg and work here whilst he has been working in Ladysmith. We swap weekend and the like. About three months ago his neighbor, some nosey lady called me aside when I had gone there. My husband was out. She told me that my husband was gay and on a few occasions she had seen him kissing a man. She asked me if I knew and you can imagine the look on my face. I told her to mind her own business. She told me that my husbands boyfriend drove a red car with a broken light. She even described the man of it. I did not confront him. A month later he introduced me to a new friend of his who just happened to suit that description and drove that car. This time I confronted him about this and he denied everything. He even said there are no gays in Ladysmith and started calling them names. It was a convincing story but why am I failing to believe it? I can’t call my husband soft but he is not like other Zulu men. He is super clean and is very particular about this. That’s the only thing I can use against him which is dumb I know.

Please advise me on what to do before I make a mistake.

Thank You

PMB Health

Hey Guys

Yesterday we posted a letter that got a lot support from the readers. We have neglected our social responsibilities to ourselves and the community. We have a suggestion for everyone but only if you agree. We would like to launch a sub blog or forum for people infected, affected or with questions relating to HIV to participate in. A lot of the emails people asked to join a chatroom created by us here at Diary. I am not sure if they meant on Whatsapp or online. Regardless this is our first step.

Here is what we propose and you can reject the idea outright as this is a consultation only. We will create a forum in which people will register and remain anonymous. This platform will be used by all to post their frustration, health guides, support etc.

We already have those that want to offer support with their experience. That will be the good doctor, nurse and social worker whom I will then talk to depending on what you suggest. Lets shape our world and lets change the stigma and the perceptions. Michelle’s letter was touching because imagine she had no one to turn to. She turned to us so I believe we can actually make this an initiative. DOAZG is all about making society and communities to be aware of our day to day struggle, if we stick together we are stronger.

Its up to you readers to come up with a nice friendly name that will be used for our forum. We have many projects and timelines to adhere to but I strongly feel this is important. If you guys agree this sub blog or forum should be available to the public Monday 6th July 2015 then everyone can participate.

Its true if you not infected you are affected


Mike Maphoto

44 thoughts on “Realities – Chapter Thirty One

  1. Dear PMB Health,

    It sounds like you are happy with your husband and no issues at all. But now you want to use the hearsay to start a ‘war’ between you and your husband. Does he do his manly duties? As man, does he satisfy you? Are you happy to call him your man? If yes then stop your nonsense before you destroy your marriage.

  2. Thank you for yet another great read. This serves Nothabo right,go for counselling Dr.

    Mr Maphoto I’m in,you can start the sub blog or forum. I think the name can DOAZG family, together we can bring change.

  3. Thnxxxx Mikey for de daily dose

    QnA don’t go looking for trouble cos ull definitely find it let u n ur husband b please

    Mikey m all for the forum thnk U in advance

  4. QnA ask more questions about the friend. Maybe invite him over for dinner. The only way to know is to see them interact with each other. Secondly u can confront the friend as if u already know the truth.. If ur husband asks u abt it deny it.. u myt gt the truth from him that guy.. usually side dishes r very honest abt their involvement with your partner, they have some twisted confidence (i don’t know about side dish men) , if it walks like a duck quacks like one, it’s a duck. I believe where there is smoke there is fire. I don’t see what that lady’s motive might have been besides being neighbourly, unless she wants him for herself. Snoop n find the truth, just don’t let your husband find out about it. In case you might b wrong. We are often too quick to bash our neighbours for being nosy bt in fact they might be saving us. If u think something is wrong. 99% of the time is it. Trust ur gut. BUT u need to b ready for the truth, wen u find out what will u do about it?

  5. Being ignorant about any affair/suspicion thereof is asking for trouble. I know too many people who are suffering now for something they could have prevented a long time ago. relax when u r sure there’s nothing going on.

  6. Good Morning Family. Long time. I have missed all of you guys

    @Mike and family, thank you for the nice read. I think that is a great idea and would love to be part of it.

    @PMB, I am actually quite disappointed in you. I think the day the two of you got married, the pastor or whoever married you told you that a marriage is between two people and you shouldn’t let a third person into your marriage. Now you are having doubts about your husband, doubts that have been brought about by a nosey old lady. Don’t you know nosey busy-buddies are the biggest liars and gossipers around? You want to justify this by saying your man is too clean and all that bull. Have you never heard of metrosexuals? In case you never did, let me school you. A metrosexual is a man (especially one living in an urban, post-industrial, capitalist culture) who is especially meticulous about his grooming and appearance, typically spending a significant amount of time and money on shopping as part of this.The neologistic term is popularly thought to describe heterosexual men who adopt fashions and lifestyles stereotypically associated with homosexual men, although, by the definition given by the origin of the term, a metrosexual might be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. Now that you have received a bit of education, stop listening to hearsay and work on your insecurities. You are already suspecting the friend. Has your husband ever given you a reason to suspect him of anything? Concentrate on your duties as a wife o tlogele bo maditaba. If this marriage is not from God and it is not meant to be, He will reveal it to you. Get that thought out of your head otherwise, you are going to ruin your own marriage by those doubts and insecurities.

    @Jackzorro, where are you?
    @Bhejane, are you still alive?

  7. Nice read again big Mike thank u
    This lawyer will get this business soon because of Nothabo. She doesn’t believe In therapy as a Dr she knws far more than that and believes in investigating and in her father. I think she stopped the divorce because of embarrassment more than saving her marriage.
    Mr Maphotho, thumbs up on sub blog
    Thank you

  8. Q&A: in this day and age of diseases, if you suspect your partner is cheating the reasonable thing to do is to investigate quietly. don’t be dramatic about it in case the rumours aren’t true. turning a blind eye might do more harm than good, what if It’s true? I think you would be more at ease if you knew for.

    Mike the forum is a great idea, I completely support it

  9. About the HIV Group i would be honoured to lead the group. We can start a whats app group. I wl drop my digits to Mike. About the gay issue i always think tht there is no smoke without fire. Many men tend to hide in the closet and marry but on the side they getva gay friend. As one reader said meet the friend and probe you will find a lot more thn u bargain. Bt be prepared for what will be coming.

  10. Pmb
    How was life in your marriage before u get the news? I know we r not the same but If I were u, I would stick by my man and never investigate him because for the past 15 year u were happy if it was not because of Mr or Mrs Ndaba u would be happy until now…..look at what happened to Nothabo. Sometimes we need to read and learn from this blog ….thanx good luck


  11. Nice read as always!

    q&a- The r two sides de neighbour can b rong or right,if rong it can cause problems in ur rship,if right r u willing 2b in a rship with a bisexual n they could b seeing each other more than u c ur husband! Tell de neighbour to tell u wen dey r 2geder n c 4urslf

  12. Thank you Mike for the read 🙂

    Yes I am all for the forum it will definitley educate those infected and give support and for those who are affected can also benefit in knowing hwo to support someone who is close to them who is infected and understand how they feel.

    My mother was infected and passed away in 2006 and she never told me ( to which now I understand why ) but I think had she told me sooner I could have helped her somehow.

    So yes please 🙂 sounds good to me.


  13. Oh dear, the good Dr eating humble pie, must have been hard.

    @PMB health…..If this very very nosy lady is indeed right, then the truth will eventually come out. He might never confess and you might never catch him but eventually such a secret will be revealed. Like Nothabo, You can hire a Private Investigator if you really are bothered by this and need proof. You should never have confronted him without proof, now he will be extra careful.

  14. Hi Mike

    You are making a positive change in our community and I would like to applaud you for that. I am a social worker and I would to help in any way possible. Even if it means one on one sessions through any platform that you will provide.

  15. Thanx Mike love all ur books.

    QnA If his gay eventually he will come out no matter how good he’s good @ keeping it a secret,since u have ur suspicions now it won’t be easy to let it go till u are sure of it.For now just get to know the new friend n see what is his Story.All the best hope ur neighbour is wrong tho!

  16. I think its a really good idea to start the forum pliz include me too and we do need as much to learn because this stigma touches each of us one way or the other

  17. Thanx for a good read. I know u dnt believe in therapist but truth is, your work is my therapy. I’ve been broken lately and depressed.but reading ur work made my mind relax n no one ever gave me advice lyk you do. M grateful you are doing this. Oh mike, im from Limpopo and now I’m in pta visiting. I went to jozi yesterday and my heart melted when I saw places u always writing about. I was so happy.. Lol I do wish I met Mthobisi though. #hides

  18. thanks Mike. Great chapter that was:)

    we can give it the name: DOAZG Chat-Room / DOAZG Umgosi.

    #tongue out.

    welcome back Kayvee, was just wondering izolo ukuthi where you disappeared to.


  19. Thank you Mike for the best read! I’m an addict to your books!
    I’m alos in support of the forum, our society really needs some more enlightenment about such issues!

    Now, about my pin for the past Sat’s Missteps!!!!!! I’ve been sending msgs right here on this platform and u r not responding or helping in any way! Pls Mike and the Team, do something, I’m not coping without knowing what’s been happening with Lee!
    My number is 0782741705

    Thanking you and hoping you will respond.

  20. Tjo tjo tjo tjo! Wena Mike o skhokho sa dikdikhokho akere. Mara o ngwana mang ye? Lol. I just love this so Nothabo being Nothabo is gon call Lynda who happens to be Rodney’s wife/ex and then discover gore Rodney ke sugardaddy ya her newly found step daughter! Itjakg!

    #loving the twist and turns.

    Keep up the good work Mike and team.

  21. Thanks Mike I’m also a big fan, I think this is a fantastic idea it’s a good support structure.
    God Bless

  22. Mike
    I like the idea of the blog as we are all affected if not infected, I suggest the following:
    1. Create a link in the DOaZG and name it separately (readers will suggest a name, positve name but suggesting that we are dealing with HIV)
    2. Insert some important articles dealing with HIV/AIDS, these can be a start
    a) “Just found out that I am positive, I am afraid?” This is the biggest problem that people encounter.
    b) “Am I positive?” Many people like to wonder if they are positive or not, avoiding to do tests
    c) “I forgot to use protection yesterday! what can I do” This is the third most worrying question people generally like answered.
    d) “Dr. Mehlemamba says he can cure AIDS, should I trust him” This is another problem that some people try to use forums like this to sell “snake oil cures”, so everyone should be aware.
    e) “What are the CD4/VL and how they affect my health.”
    3. Create a forum where people can ask different question and others answer like in our QnA section. There are many questions that people have and cant ask anyone. e.g. how to deal with ibhande, how to disclose to new bf/gf.
    4. Make it possible that people will remain anonymous. This is still a personal and sensitive matter, so details should be kept private as it is in this diaries.
    5. Conversations that you consider helpful should be pinned for future references.

    Dont worry about people promoting what they have used, provided they are not selling (maybe). Truth be told, most of the formal structures/doctors does not fully address other needs. eg dealing with other kind of sores including belt. Unfortunately most people will prefer home remedies that doctors remedies.

    Other things will develop as the forum develops

  23. Hi there family, I think the forum is a great idea and should be implemented. I’ve been a reader since the blog started but I’ve never commented until now. This is a great initiative and I don’t wanna be left out.

  24. @PMB Health, the important thing here should be the possibility of your husband cheating on you. What if he’s not using protection and putting your life in danger. I really don’t thing u should ignore this, investigate more u might find the answers. Then u will have to deal with the possibility that he has been living a lie with u unless he is bisexual. Anyway I’m more worried about u getting HIV all in the name of not destroying ur marriage. That’s how most married people get infected, they turn a blind eye to cheating husbands.

  25. I can declare U our Sociologist Da Mike
    Will be interesting not to mention educative. All that U touch turns into gold anyway, diamond even!

    Q&A: PMB I think U rushed into confronting yo man but don’t worry, even if he will b smart abt (assuming there’s something), women R always smarter.
    Find out abt d friend if he has a wife or g/f. Invite him wth his partner for dinner. Watch some romantic movies aftr dinner etc. C d reactions. If there’s a partner befriend her. All will soon come out.
    I know its easier 2say ignore it but almost impossible to practice it bcz it wil jst eat U inside. Rather tactfully find out the truth. – PapaG

  26. @Bhejane can help with design/strategy/co-editing etc as he has it all figured out there. (I’m assuming he is a guy – apologies in advance if she is a lady) – PapaG

  27. PMB HEALTH,I advise you to investigate this matter. yes the neighbour might be nosey and stuff but believe me there are so many men living the double life like you could ever imagine. So don’t divorce him just yet,but be on the lookout to his tendencies around this new friend,or any other male for that matter.

  28. did I hear Mxolisi Sibani, oh thanks Mike for bringing him back, nice read as always.

    about the blog, id be more than happy to be part of it as I also had several family matters who have died of the disease and the stigma that one has to face

    QnA I agree with the readers you were too quick to confront your hubby without enough evidence, the are some guys who are too feminine does that make them Gays? please don’t loose something good that you have because of nothing

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