Realities – Chapter Thirty Five

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When you have a father like mine who does not understand what no is and when to back down you have a problem. Growing up its different because when you are younger he is a parent but as you get older he is not. He is a bully. Ask any girl whose father is a taxi boss or a policeman with high rank and she will tell you that your father never backs off. He is part of your marriage whether you like it or not. I had asked him, I had pleaded with him and yes I had even tried to be polite but he was not listening. What had they done with the journalist? I really hoped they had not killed him because I know I sound so casual when i say it but my father is very capable of that. He is cold and heartless. I know I blamed my husband for being weak just recently but there are people out there who can weaken you because they are so strong. I was tired already. I was not cut out of this rough world.
I called my mother. She had to intervene now! It was time she spoke sense to her husband. I could not challenge him nor could she but I know she was not afraid of him. She picked up. I told her the whole story and what my father was doing. When I was done she said,

“You know your father thinks you are a failure. You are the one he wanted so much to take over his business and when you got pregnant he has never forgiven you!”

What was she talking about? How did we get here?

“So I am being punished for not wanting to run taxis?”

I asked her. In some families, correct me if I am wrong, of you produce a doctor the family has done well. In mine it was being said that I had failed the family. How is that so? It’s like when you come from a family of Sangomas then you decide to do something else! I am sure they would bewitch you themselves.

“But it was him who insisted I get married. What more did he want?”

I protested to her. My father was a very complicated man. You never knew when he was happy or when he was sad for that matter. That’s why we all feared him. The whole community feared him. Police were polite to him because they feared him. They all called him Bra out of fear but I am certain they much prefered him dead.

“We need to do something? I don’t want him making things worse for me as they are already so bad. Please please talk to him”

I begged. I sensed reluctance in my mom every time I spoke to her about my father. There was something she was not telling me. I started pushing her to tell me the truth of what’s going on. You know how mothers always try shielding you from the truth even when you are older. They do that because they believe that it is not necessary for the child not to be put in between adult things. Oh well, the world had changed, I needed to know. After nagging she finally broke,

“Your father is sleeping with some child from the university!”

She said coldly but I could sense the hurt in her. I am not sure if I was shocked or not but as a woman, as you get older, you can expect your husband to stray. Young women do not believe in working hard for a man anymore, to grow with him and succeed with him. No, they want to jump the line and go find an already made man to spoil them. My father was a prime candidate, he had money and power meaning he probably has been doing this for years. Why then was my mother so affected by this one?

“Mum I amm not being insensitive but I am sure you know he has being doing this for years!”

I said to her trying to be as polite as possible without hurting her even further than she was already.

“I know he has and I have fought off all of them but right now am tired. This one I feel she is different. He never ever spoken to me about a girl before. This time he did not sneak arouund as he always does, no, he actually came and told me about her. I would never have found out about her meaning he wanted me to know. He say he wants to bring her to the house so I can meet her?”

She said in resignation. What the hell? I was scared of my father but for this I was going home to fix. He cannot disrespect her like that! What is wrong with men really? I would kill Sizwe if he ever brought a woman home!

“He wants to bring her home?”

I asked her shocked. Women get very angry when they find out for themselves that you have been cheating. When you as a man come and open up about it to us that’s another story. It most certainly means you want to divorce us!

“Does he want a divorce?”

I asked her. She was now sobbing quietly. Please appreciate the sombreness of this moment, a child consoling her mother because her father is about to leave her for a very young girl, not even woman at that.

“He says he does not want one. He says he just wants me to meet her because he really likes her but he loves me. He says I am the mother of his children, his queen and his everything but he wants to feel young again. He said all this to my face. We were not even fighting Nothabo. He sat me down and he spoke to me normally very unlike your father which is why I took him seriously!”

I was hurting. I was angry. How can he be so selfish? How can he just come out and be honest to her like that?

“This is what he asked me; would you rather I cheat and keep sleeping in motels and in the car, bringing the risk home or just be honest with you and bring her home? I am too old for these sleeping in these funny places because people talk and they then laugh at you on the streets. I don’t want that. I still respect you that much, in that funny voice of his when he is trying to be sweet. How could he even try to be sweet at a time like this?”

She asked me. I knew the voice my father made when he wanted something. He can be the nicest man ever but this was not a moment to be nice. This was more a moment of silence. I heard a knock on the door on my mothers side and she went to check who it was. It was female voices and she said to me,

“I will talk to you later!”

As she hung up immediately. My poor mother. I wanted to scream at my father but I will save that for home. I went and told Sizwe what had happened. He sympathised with my mother but I could have sworn he had that,

“I could have told you so”
look on his face which was in honesty true! He could have told me. You can never know a man. I started crying. I was hurt. I looked at Sizwe and all I saw was this big dog! A turd! Now I see why women reflect their heartbreak on other men! We blame you for what another did! We can’t help it.

“We still have the matter of Mthobisi! At some point he is going to harm us and Lintle! Sizwe we have to do something?”

I told my husband after I had briefed him on the situation. We had two options, go to Mthobisi and watch him to watch his back but I knew what the consequences would be. That guy was a hard nut. He did not seem to understand anything even friendship. I was not going there.

“We are just going to keep quiet! Whatever happens happens!”

My husband said. I was not sure if he was trying to act tough or what. This why at times I feel God wasted a dick on this man! Sies! I did not say that to him. I had a plan.

I took my phone and sent my father a message,

“Mum told me about your new girl. I will help you get mom to meet her if you call off your dog’s on Mthobisi.”

Within a minute he was calling back?

This after having ignored my calls.

The power of women!

“I am listening!”

He said as soon as I picked up!

Lord help me, I was about to throw my mother under the bus to save my family!

******The End****

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Dear Mike

Please can you put this on an appropriate chapter like you did with the other letter?

Thank you for reading and greetings to your readers. I am 45 and having been married for 23 years. My husband is a powerful somebody and is 50 this October. We have three children of which two are still in university. We are a suburban family and a respected one. I work as well. I love my husband with everything that I have. For all these years he has been the most thoughtful and caring man. He not only took care of me but also upgraded my own family to the point where my siblings went to school and university and they in turn upgraded our family. They love him and respect him.

The problem is he has been having an unfair with a 21 year old girl. When it started he came to me and told me about it and said that he is trying so hard to stop but every time he sees the girl he can’t resist her. He changed numbers even to try and avoid her. They don’t work for the same company but they work closely together. He can’t quit obviously otherwise we will starve. I blamed him and threatened to divorce him if he does not stop seeing her. He told me that he cannot stop and does not know want to do things behind my back sighting if he did people will find out.

I need your advice! I have had the happiest marriage imaginable but now this has happened. I do not think he has ever cheated before unless I was too naïve to see it. Should I divorce this man who even now in a very bad situation is trying to be honest about it?

Thank You

Worried Married





28 thoughts on “Realities – Chapter Thirty Five

  1. Hi mike and family .what a nice read on a frustrating day ever of the week.

    A2Q- hi ‘di mumzo’ I respect you for making your husband happy for all this years of marriage. Consider yourself lucky cause in this new era in contrast to the apartheid era, yoh! ra boga ka dinyatsi . With your situation I say its so much better your husband came clean than , a situation where men are denying even when court red handed in bed and defending themselves by saying ga ra etsa selo. Its actually pathetic in all honesty Considering how married men are treating their families.

    Mme nna kare as long as he doesn’t want a divorce dont give him one unless ofcorse you feel you cant handle the pain ya go laelwa bare tonight a ke boe ko ntlong.

  2. “Midlife crises things!” These old man have balls going to your women & confess to cheating. That is like saying you want to take wife number 2 if you dont want a divorce. I guess these young women still have beauty on their side.

  3. Thanks Mikey! @ worried married, do not divorce your man, all men cheat at one stage or another, sad but true, it is in their DNA. In the olden days, they cheated with our great grans openly, the wives knew the mistresses. The mistresses were either unmarried (which was rather rare), widowed or the husbands worked in the mines and would come home once a year in December to sometimes their pregnant wives.. Having said all this, this doesn’t make it acceptable, I, for one prefer Karyn White ish – I’d rather be alone.. However, if I were in your shoes I would stay, this is a good man! He’s been very good to you and your family! He’s having a mid life crisis, turning 50.. He’ll probably buy himself a red convertible sports car for his 50th and will look ridiculous in it. & for a 50 yr old, to date a much younger girl is a status symbol..

    The best is to talk to him, tell him how unhappy this makes you feel, how it will affect your children who are the same age as the mistress should they find out, maybe sanity will prevail, if it doesn’t, just accept things you cannot change and continue being a good wife to your husband. Another problem is that you cannot stop him, if you make him break up with Khanyi, he’ll have a Kelly, you break them up, then Boity will come along

  4. Its realy sad what this world has become,a 21yr old can destroy a happy marriage jst by havng fun nt knwng the effect she has on the sugar daddies family,to thnk the wife has been happy since she has been married nd a teenager jst cums nd destroy..Please ladies lets nt destroy sum1s happiness for a two minutes fun.We tend to forget tht we will also grow nd become wives nd be in the same position of being cheated on wth a teeanger.It has to stop…

  5. To be honest, I’m really appalled by the responses that I’m reading on this forum. Africans openly condone the promiscuity of African men and as a result, the men themselves have come to treat promiscuity as an inevitability just because of the mere fact that they’re men. For women to actually have the courage to tell another woman that her husband is a man and as a result, men will always cheat is unacceptable! The promiscuity of African men causes us as black people to be the laughing stock of other races and is also the reason why 13.9% of black South Africans are HIV Positive as opposed to the 0.3% of white South Africans.

    QnA – the fact that your husband is a man does not give him the right to cheat and confessing his infidelity to you does not mean he is showing remorse. It seems to me like the only reason why he came clean was because he was afraid of people finding out, not the fact that it would hurt you. What he is using on you love is called reverse psychology. He gives you the illusion that he is actually remorseful and trying to change while he still has the liberty of continuing his affair. This is wrong and regardless of what he has done for you and your family, a man who truly loves you would never openly hurt you like this. You need to know your worth love and know that you can still survive, even without him. This is the time for you to show him that you are not his doormat and he cannot and should not feel like he can walk all over you. Cheating is a choice. Him constantly going back to his nyatsi is a choice! there’s no electromagnetic force pulling him towards that girl. Every time he goes to her, he is choosing her over you. So tell him to stand up and be the man that you need him to be or sit down and let you see the man standing behind you. Because you deserve so much more love. You deserve all the love in the world and a man who wont be stepping out on you and have the courage to tell you to your face. All women deserve to be treated as queens, loved and cherished from the time a relationship begins till death do you part.

  6. Thanks Team.
    Q&A: kulukhuni ukuba umfazi emshadweni, luningi usizi esihlezi phezu kwalo singomama. I am lost for words sisi, do not know how and what to say in this case. Be strong.

  7. Thanks Mike for the daily dose.

    Worried Married – Sorry for the pain that you are going through. Trust takes years to build and seconds to destroy. This will depend on what you are willing to take. We all have different deal breakers. You cannot make him be satisfied with you alone if he has made a decision to have an affair. If you will rather share your husband than leave without him – that will be your choice as well. You can both go for counselling to try and figure out what led to this OR another option can be to go on separation for a year whilst he tries to find himself. But make it clear that in the year that he is gone you can also date if you want to and you will be honest and tell him – just like he did. This is not to compete with him, but to be realistic that a lot can happen in 1 year.

    All the best

  8. I know Im young to give you a sound advise but I truely believe the society has brain washed us women eccepting to be unappreciated. after 23 years of marriage you never once caught or suspected that your husband was cheating because he respected you and had the fear what would happen should you find out. You cant just roll over and let him bring a cancer that will distroy you as a person and your family. My advice would be to sit your husband down and explain it to him that what he is about to do will destroy you and the family and if he insist on doing it you are not going to be part of it, he needs to figure out which is more important, his family or keeping this girl into his life. Dont divorce him but suggest separation to give him space so that he can decide what he realy wants with a condition that if he takes too long to decide there is no garantee that he would be still welcomed into your lives. I know it is risky unless you are willing to be miserable for the rest of your life. Dont forget to tell him that you love him and you dont want to stand on the way of his happiness but at the same time you also wants to be happy, tell him you are not willing to allow him and his new profound hobby to stand in the way of your happiness. The truth is sometimes man forget what they will lose when they cheat and it is your responsibility to remind him.

  9. Hi Mike,

    Just a quick one to thank you for the HIV/AIDS forum. It is a great initiative. I hope the readers use it as a good outlet, source of info and a place where they won’t be judged. Positive living all the way. Well done!

    A2Q: Such a sad state of affairs. Men. Sigh. All the best Sisi wam, you know what your limits are. Be true and kind to yourself. *Hugs*

  10. Todays letter is DEEP!!! I was hoping the married ladies would come through and give advise but I understand this is tough. I have to agree with Buwe you cannot just stand there while this cancer grows. At the same time divorce will be extremely drastic. What if this is just the beginning of it? its not just going to be this one and wena you allow it. Just like Buwe I suggest you let him know that if thats what he wants to do then its ok but you will not be a part of it and neither will you be a part of it. He can go rent hi,self a place and stay there, when he is done and ready to come back you guys will definitely have to go to counselling. Make him aware that you will not wait for him and he shouldnt expect you to. He does what he does and you do you!

  11. hey Mike where is the Forum or the link to it, thank you for a nice read as always

    QnA that’s a really tough one, food for thought for us Ladies. would you rather have your man cheat on you unaware or knowing.
    I have a White friend who used to tell me how her mom would take his dad to a brothel to enjoy himself, that was her way of strengthening their marriage. back in the days that’s why man used to marry 2 or 3 wife’s because they avoided cheating on their wife’s. but hell no were living in the 21st Century and who wants to share her man. Maybe its a Fantasy give him time, it will pass. Please don’t divorce your man fight for your marriage.

  12. @Worried Married

    Wow. My heart bleeds for you for.

    My reality- I’m a female in my mid-20s, and for years I’ve found myself having to fend off older men. Beauty is on my side, and should I find myself ever giving in to such attention, it would’nt be hard to retain that attention. The latter bit applies to the 21 year-old cancer thats trying to creep in your front door- she’s given into it and retained it.

    I’d say you have several options: Firstly you can meet the girl in private and promise her a proper wwe smackdown moer-ing (excuse my language ma, but she deserves it). If she doesnt back off, deliver your promise (just dont get caught). Secondly, you could go the soppy route that everyone seems to be suggesting by explaining to your husband what this could do to your family- I unfortunately do not see you succeeding as he seems ever so determined to play out his life crisis. Thirdly, you could return the favour and tell him you’ll roll out the carpet for a couple of Ben10s if he dare tries any funny business (read his reaction- only that will tell if you’ve succeeded). Lastly and most drastically, you could ask this girl to just stop. Ofcourse this requires a great deal of pulling-yourself-towards-yourself with a pinch of humility. While this last bit seems unfair, how this all plays out depends on you, which in turn depends on how badly you want to save your marriage.

    I’m still all for the first option 🙂 !

    If all that fails, threaten to sue her gold-digging a*s for emotional distress and enticement (yes, you can).

    On the contrary, you could allow your husband to continue with it, but ask that he not give her any financial support whatsoever. She’ll be gone quicker than you can say “happy side-dishin”. He’ll get his wake up call, “sugar babies never loved us”. But will you be able to forgive him…

    I can only imagine what you’re going through. Stay strong Ma, I hope you find your solution.


      1. Well Tee, what must to can happen when a child is trying to take away years of your life, just like that?

        21 year old? Say what?! These kids will have you turn from professional to hoodrat, real quick!

        I’m still hoping to hear from the married women, this is a bit out my league.


  13. QnA: It seems your husband is willing to stop but keeps going back for the sex I assume. I suggest you both find ways to spice up your sex life, be young again, do all these things young girls do in bed.

  14. Q&A: The question you should ask yourself is “am I willing to live with a man that I know is cheating on me with a girl who’s young enough to be my daughter?” You know what the answer is I personally think that one shouldn’t be in a relationship just for the perks that come with it. I mean yes he helped you and your family and that’s great and good of him but can you handle him dating a young girl? If the answer is yes then stay but if its no then go, we can give you as much advice as we can but the ball is in your court at the end of the day. I for one would not stay in such a relationship, your husband is stupid this young girl is probably with him because she enjoys the perks of being with an old man which are of course money and the things that money can buy and not because she loves him but anyway you need to sit and listen to your heart and use your mind good luck hey and I hope that you can live with whichever decision you make 🙂

  15. The reality of married women, cheating comes standard.

    Ausi check you wills especially if married in community of property cause if he dies before you chances are you would have stayed for the idea of financial security only to find out that you are broke. And ur kids inheritance gone to ms 21.

    And sadly most made men are cheating on their partners, it’s how much crap you can stomach that will make you stay.

    Hell others are dealing with the so called after 9 cheaters.

    And since he is cheating then the rubbers must return as infections have no age restrictions.

  16. I was that girl before. Dating older men has its peks obviously financial wise but eventually fall inlove with it. This man i dated loved his wife very much but had problems. Thats where i came. To him at first it was fun nd releasing stress but he fell inluv. He cldnt let go i was 19. I fell inlove too to the point of moving in with him. The wife gave me a good beating but stil i went bak. Until i ws tired nd met my size. He went back but their relationship was already destroyed. He still calls me nd wanna meet. My advise: dont fight him nd push him away. The only reason he kept coming back to me was because she always fought him. Im not proud of what i did and it still haunts me i even have a forbear for marriage now cos my best friend is dating a married man for 3years they together now. He pays her rent and take care of her. The only reason she fell for him obviously its financial pecks lyk i did too. The wife found out but she has no power. She accepted it.

  17. Hi Mam, your story is so hearheartbreaking. Both you and your husband are being held ransom by a 21year old child in your own marriage. If he’s really tired of this he would come up with a better plan to get rid of her for good instead of just saying ‘I can’t resist’. He could talk to one of his friends and get this child a transfer to another branch or get her a job somewhere else where they never have to see each other coz of work. She’s only 21 so she hasn’t established herself yet, she’s impressionable so she’ll think that sugar is so into her he’s moving mountains for her while in fact he’s just getting rid of her. The fact is for as long as she’s around he won’t resist coz he knows what’s in the cookie jar. With the leech out of the picture you’ll both have the necessary space to restore your marriage, if he’s really sorry and has remorse for what he’s done to you then he’ll never make that mistake again. The trick is to not allow your husband’s mistakes to reduce you to something that you’re not. Going around beating girls up, hiring hitmen,etc. might make u feel like you’re in control for a moment but its not gonna solve any problems, if anything its gonna create more problems for you. Lastly you need to go for therapy so that he get to understand what his infidelity is doing to you and why is he not content with his life. I really hope and pray that your marriage will be restored.

  18. Ta Adv Cmndr Maphoto.
    Q&A: Tough times call 4tough decisions cc Worried Married. Go “double impact”.
    1st B D “angel” lyk a reasonable wyf & jst politely ask him to move out wth his skebereshi. Stay in D house wth yo kids. “Formal/informal separation.”
    Meanwhile change yo image 4beta. Dress lyk a “cool mum” while avoiding dressing “underage/desperate”. Let him C what he will be missing! Go to spas 4manicures/pedicures what not!
    2ndly (but simultaneously) get some ppl 2give this 21st century witch a beating of her life tym as her 22nd birthday in advance. Make sure they “rob” her phone/money etc & most important, they mst leave a scratch mark or 2 on her cheek(s) as a reminder.
    Each tym she looks on the mirror she will feel as if “karma” is the “biggest bithc that visited her as a “smaller bithc”.
    C if he will still love her with her cheek “endorsements”. But if he manages 2stay away 4mo than 6mnths wth the todder21, then give him the “Dvrc” papers. Even then do all this after checking yo policies etc that U & yo kids R D sole beneficiaries.
    Usually r/ships born out of #febarism don’t last long. Ones with such huge age diff like 29 yrs R worse as there is no “TRUST” from both sides.
    Just promise 2give a FIGHT 4yo marriage if not 4U then 4yo kid’s sake @least asseblief! A marriage is like any other investment. U’ve both invested love, time, emotions, feelings, laughter, happiness/pain, finance etc. Yo kids R testimony. This “overgrown teenager” CANNOT just take this away from U without even a FIGHT! Go 2a yo Pastor or yo Sangoma depending on yo beliefs but do something. Gudluck – PapaG

  19. The one thing I always tell my girls is that, if an older men starts looking outside. Then there’s something that you the wife is not doing anymore. Or it’s lacking. The spark that once attracted him to you. The things you did when you were young.

    Personally, myself. Beauty is also on my side and these men are chasing. Although I don’t do that, unfortunately one of them stand out. I have no intention of being in a relationship or have an affair with him. No..but you have to admit he’s efforts are remarkable.

  20. ladies get this, you can not obtain happiness on another woman marriages expense. A married man obtains favour from God because of the wife, so if you think being a sidedish and bringing misery in another woman’s marriage makes you better, think again. Karma has no menu, you will be served what you deserve and the thing I like about karma is that, you will reap what you sowed, more than what you sowed and way later. worried wife I agree with papa G except for the beat down part of things.

    Thanks Team

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