I swear you could hear the guard at the main gate fart the way my house was so quiet. There is an awkward silence that comes when you do something that you are not sure is morally right and you get away with it. I can’t explain it. My mother and I were in that moment. The house was so quiet I could even hear a car hooting in the distance. Much as he was probably lying I could not shake somewhere in the back of my mind that thought of what if he was telling the truth. What if… I can’t even believe I am saying this but what if all that had really happened to him? I mean it’s one helluva a lie to tell and be so precise and sincere at it. I tried to rack through my brain to remember everything he had said and even now, so soon after the moment, I could not find all his words. He had to have been lying. I am now a woman and this man just walks into my life and says I should call him daddy? That’s not how it works! As women we have been taught to be suspicious of this thing called a man because this thing has done so many bad things to us. We do not become defensive around men because we hate them, we become that because they have proven over and over again that trust them at your own peril! That’s my take on it! He had looked hungry and almost unkempt. He easily passed for someone who was struggling but it could have been because of poor life choices not Sterkfontein. Yes, there is that work. I googled it. It is a mental institution in Krugersdorp side. Did he make that up?
My mother was in her room now. She had closed the door. I went to her room but at the door I heard she was crying. At the same time my own baby cried. I chose Amo over my mother. He had been sleeping all this time. He was probably hungry. I held him in my arms and decided to feed him in about thirty minutes. I lay down on my back, and put my baby on my stomach. It is the most amazing feeling looking at that little precious joy lie there! Nothing in the world could touch him! Nothing! I would never ever allow harm to come his way. How does someone even leave behind something so precious willingly? My sister knocked and asked if she could come in.
“That was weird right what just happened?”
She said a bit nervously. I am certain in her voice I could detect that she was not too sure if we had done the right thing. Something was off here! My mother, I know her, she is too proud a woman, the moment my dad left she had never. Looked for him. Her pride would never allow that so what if what he was saying was true?
“I don’t think mum is ok go check on her!”
I said to my sister. She hated being a comforter!
“I have to feed Amo!”
I told her. She refused and came and took Amo instead. She was not going into my mothers room. Told you my sister is weird.
I knocked on my mothers door and she said come in. She was lying on her bed, face down and crying.
“Was he telling the truth?”
I asked her. I had to get answers and my mother was not the easiest person to get them out of.
“I don’t know! When he left I thought he left us. I still believe he did!”
I wanted to ask her so badly if she had looked for him but this is my mother we are talking about.
“How about you call Malume to see if he is telling the truth?”
I saw the fear in her eyes and I recognised it because it was exactly the same fear I had. This was, what if he was telling the truth? What then?
“Of course I want to know but what will knowing do to us. It’s been so many years now. It’s not like it will change the last sixteen years of our lives. It will not!”
She said as though she was pleading with me but I did not budge. I told her I wanted to know the truth because for so many years I had wondered were my father was. A lot of people won’t admit this but I believe it’s true, when you are growing up and you feel like your single mother is doing you an injustice, the first thought that comes to mind is,
“Will she be doing this if my dad was here?”
It’s true. Yes when we grow older our hatred for our father’s intensifies but when you are younger it’s different. You actually fantasize about how thing could and should be were he around. My mother seemed a bit hurt by me saying I thought about my father growing up. That’s another truth, single mothers, especially those that hate their baby daddy’s will make sure that you too the childd hates him just as much. You cannot take sides! You are hers and hers alone!
“I don’t mean it in a bad way but obviously I wondered. I know you know that. Every time you hit me you would say I was just like my father!”
I said defiantly but politely. Again she winced when I said that. I seem to be saying all the wrong things, hurtful thing but at least I could say them now. I was older.
“I will call your uncle but what ever he says nothing will change. Your father left me, us, when you were very young. I tried looking for him but when a person does not want to be found its like that. His family refused to help and at some point even accused me of killing him!”
She said and the tears started again,
“Imagine, me, killing a man and for what? I loved your father and yes he is right, I was not over Judy’s dad but when someone dies on you, they are impossible to get over!”
She explained. I had a bit of sympathy for her but I wanted to hear what my uncle would say. My mother was not my interest at this moment! She took out her phone and to mmy delight when she dialed my uncles number she immediately put it on speaker!
He said as soon as he picked up!
“We had a visitor earlier and I have some questions!”
She said without even greeting him back. There was a bit of silence on the line then he cleared his throat and said,
“I see he came!”
“But why didn’t you tell me vele? Why? How could you do this?”
She asked her brother with a bit of anger, betrayal and disbelief in her voice!
“Tell you what? When I went to the hospital, I personally went, I did not call, because I did not believe him, I was stunned! What was I supposed to say to you Sisi? Was I supposed to come and say I found your long lost husband he lost hims mind?”
Oh My God…
He was telling the truth!
My name is Terence and I am from Jhb North. I was dating a girl for three years who loved me dearly. There was nothing she would not do for me. She was there when ever I needed her and was attentive to our relationship. Myself on the other hand thought I was too cool for commitment. I cheated on her with her bestfriend. We were at a party and the friend was there. One thing led to the other and we had sex. It was only once but the betrayal seems like it was a million times. I felt bad about it immediately and wanted to confess and beg my gf for forgiveness. Fear however meant I did not do that. A few weeks ago my ex gf fought with her best friend and the friend confessed to her what had happened to hurt her. My ex gf had only recently discovered that she was pregnant and I had already bought the ring. She gave me back my ring and now she is threatening to abort our baby if she hasn’t already.
I know I hurt her. I do not know how else to apologise. I have never read your blog Bra Mike but she reads it religiously everyday. I am sorry with everything that I have. I messed up. There is no excuse. I love you and will never ever do what I did again to you or any woman. I have stopped drinking, smoking and partying. All the things you wanted. I will do. Whatever it takes for you to see I know I was wrong.
Please come home