Memoirs – Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Nine

Posted on Posted in Memoirs of a Tired Black Man

Have you ever noticed that for many people when you are unlucky in love you are almost always unlucky in so many other things. I don’t know how quite to explain the bad luck that comes with being in bad relationship. Perhaps it is the fact that you are always angry, sad, crying or fighting your partner that makes you make bad life choices. Truth be told, marrying that person was a bad life choice on its on no wonder why I felt like such a failure now for marrying Asthandile. I am guilty of being a typical unoriginal black man who seeks beauty, yellowbones, big ass before brains. Yes am part of that shallow minded South African middle class black men who think light skin is beautiful before checking the substance in it! Asthandile was only doing what she was always bound to do…cheat! This yellowbones are a problem! They are constantly told how beautiful they are hence it gets to their head that they can get whomever they want and and usually “whomever” is limited to the more money the better! What of Nokwanda Ngwenya though? What was her crime? This man had ruined her.

As fate would have she too had been rushed to Groote Schuur where my wife was. They were not in the same section though. Again I asked for directions and eventually I found where they had put her. Hospitals are so depressing I tell you. My wife was here and I had not seen her and here I was off to see the wife of what should be my enemy and the very same woman who had put my own wife here in the first place. This was a bit twisted. I felt more sorry for her than I did for my own wife and that did not make sense to me no matter how justified I thought I was. With no friends and her family so far away I am certain Asthandile must have been feeling so alone right now! She deserves it I guess, I don’t know! When I got to Nokwanda’s room her husband was there. I guess they had found him after all. Initially I decided to make a U turn but because I was already here and she was my client after all I went to see her.

“What do you want? This is my wife stay away?”

He asked me when he saw me! The nerve of this man! He was actually angry and I could see he was crying the hypocrite!

“Did you stay away from my wife? Did you not make her your scuftin?”

I asked him with an I don’t give a shit attitude. I think that just provoked him even more!

“Look here man, why are you so angry? I was not the only man fucking her and you know it. We all shared her. You could not satisfy her meaning you most certainly did not own her!”

He said standing up to me. I really wanted to punch him again but we were here in the hospital there were too many witnesses! I let him run his mouth a while longer!

“You need to get off your high horse! You slept with both Khanyi and Lindiwe!”

He said which made me raise my eyebrows,

“Oh, you think I didn’t know? Of course I knew. Everytime I fucked your wife she would say so! I would make her say your name when I fucked her just for her to know how so fucken worthless you are!”

This man was on a roll,

“I know you want to punch me, or her for that matter but that will never change all the nasty things I did to her! Not one thing nor will it change the fact that you cheated too! You go around angry, chest pumped out like aa peacock when other men are handling your pride and joy!”

Too late! Before he said anything else I punched him so hard breaking two of his front teeth! It’s what he wanted! I walked in to see his wife. Even if she was pregnant she was not pretty enough to have wanted to revenge fuck so again this bastard had one over me. He was right about one thing though, I too had cheated on my wife yet I had made her crimes seem worse than mine! Oh well, she was not born with a dick and society and other women judge her worse than me.

That policeman had not been lying! It was bad. She looked as though she had been beaten up so how could he have said she had an accident. She had definitely been stabbed in the stomach but from what I think I noticed they had stabilized her. There was a glimmer of hope. I decided to leave and go see my own wife. Seeing this woman had just made me sad. I walked past the motormouth and he was bleeding through the mouth. He did not approach me again and I think it was so he could save his other teeth. Initially I had planned not too Asthandile but now here it was harder than I though when I first looked at her. She had bandages everywhere and all I could see were the eyes.

“You can’t see me like this!”

She said as soon as I walked in and she turned around. I could hear she was crying but I could not see the tears.

“Please leave Mxolisi please leave! I have nothing to live for now. It’s my fault not yours so no need to lecture me!”

She said yet I had not said anything at all. In fact she was the one who had done all the talking. Seeing her helpless like this made my heart so painful. She was still my wife after all. It was my turn to have tears flow down my face. My phone rang and my first thought was Zimasa! Eish I had forgotten about her. I picked up without checking. It was a man’s voice! It was my wife’s boss!

How did he get my number and what the fuck did he want?

“I hope you are happy! My wife just died!”

He said on the other side crying. I was tempted to say,

“You can have mine!”

But this was actually very sad!

Was this karma for what she had done to Asthandile?

****The End****


Hi Mike

Thank you for providing the platform. I sent a letter to you sometime in December but I don’t think you posted it so I have decided to send it again.

I know my letter is all over but here it is.

I am a 23 year old lady, this is my second year working. I am dating a 34 year old man and we have been together for about 8 months now. I gave my virginity to him because I was ready after we took an HIV test together. I love him so much and I know he loves me just as much if not more. If he had the money I have no doubt he would have paid lobola already. Beginning of this year we decided to share a flat, to save on rent because he slept at my place every night anyway! So we doing the whole vat n sat and I’m enjoying that most times.

So he earns less than me. He is the one who decided to show me his payslip, I never showed him mine. He also has 2 kids and he supports them. The 7 year old is at a good school which my bf pays for, and the 3 year old at creche. The 7 year old’s mother is not much of a problem but because she doesn’t work she is always asking for money for shoes, for lunchbox, for tracksuits and all that stuff, which we think she uses on herself. She has 4 kids from different fathers. Sometimes I send her the money for lunchbox but only if I want to. The 2 year old’s mother is more of a problem. My bf started talking about not feeling ok and stuff and went to see a sangoma. Apparently the sangoma told him it was the 2 year old’s mother bewitching him because if she can’t have him she would rather have him dead. So now he is spending money on this sangoma trying to get rid of whatever she put on him. I don’t really believe in all the witch stuff but I have tried to be as supportive as I can. But I do get worried that if she finds out about me she would bewitch me as well and if we ever get married how will I ever feel comfortable having the child visit when I don’t know if she’s bringing some muthi or whatever with her from her mother.

Now my bf is always broke, yes he helps with buying food, he pays half of the rent and stuff but whenever I ask that we go out I must pay because he doesn’t have money. I don’t like this, I don’t mind paying for my own entertainment but I don’t wanna pay for a grown man (yes I’m that stingy). I have a single mother that I am helping build a house but I still put aside money for fun. Another thing, I bought a flat which we will be moving into in June but my bf seemed negative about it in the first place and I ended up not telling him about the progress on it. I just don’t know how he will react to paying me rent for staying in my flat. I’m just afraid that this whole money issue will be a problem for us in the future.

Lately I’ve just been founding myself wanting to leave the relationship, I just feel like I’m too young for all this. Yes I’ve dated guys my age but they seemed immature for me and I’m not sure if all this has to do with the age difference. Should I really stay with this man?

Thank You


57 thoughts on “Memoirs – Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Nine

  1. I have a feeling Zimasa is the one who stabbed the boss’s wife. Why would she just wanna up and go? What about school?

    Dear Worried, your man has 3 kids from 2 mothers. A 7, 3 and 2 year old, he is maintaining all of them hence he is always broke. Even if he is earning less than you how is he affording a good school for his first born? He knows you got his back and you are allowing him to abuse you financially. Yes you are right, your are too young for this and he’s 11 years older than you. Prepare yourself cos it’s only gonna get worse. You will end up adopting a full grown ass man as your child doing everything for him.

    I would say do what 23 year olds are doing, enjoy life, have fun, meet people etc. Don’t be a mother to a 34 year old grown man. You will find someone without so much baggage and luggage. And well done on helping your mom build a house not many children think like that.

  2. thank you Mike

    You sound like a sister who is obviously taking care of herself and making things happen for herself & that makes me super proud!!!
    Being with a broke man takes a woman with strength and courage! I personally don’t think he will like the idea of paying rent in your flat & it sounds like things are actually gonna get worse before they get better. I think you’re a bit too young for all this drama and i think leaving this relationship is the best thing you can do for yourself.

  3. Thank you Mikeeestooo….quite a sombre chapter though 🙁

    Dear Worried….my angel yes you are too young for all of this, but you know relationships are about tests, obstacles and all that jazz. My boyfriend lost his job and he wasnt working for a year and I was pregnant , imagine but we survived. If you feel its too much for you , voice out your concerns. Your mistake would be letting the problems in your relationship be your problems alone.

    Communication is a pivotal part in a relationship.

  4. Nice one
    Fucken Cold chapter, the scares Mxolisi has, no bio-oil will.
    People like Ma’asi and boss move on, and don’t look behind a bit.

  5. Q&A: First you said your man is great and all that, and he spends his money on his children (like he should), on rent, food and his health (whether it been a sangoma or whatever) then he gets broke after. I don’t really get your problem if you like going out and you don’t wanna pay for him then go by yourself and tell him you think you should stay apart, then you will pay for your new bond and he will find himself a new place as he is already sharing the rent with you, meaning he can afford his own place. It seems to me that this guy’s problem is his past that you cannot handle, so do him and yourself a favour and end things peacefully.

  6. Dear Worried,

    There’s no witchcraft that can surpass solid prayer. In hindsight do not be a “lukewarmer” and subconsciously have one foot in and out of the relationship. You’re probably thinking I’m saying a lot of hogwash but this man willingly shows you his payslip and you don’t reciprocate, you buy a flat and because he’s probably a tad worried about being emasculated you stop informing him about the progress, cohabiting as you are you have qualms with paying for the pair of you whilst you’re fully aware of his situation.

    This man is older than you by over a decade, and young as you are, you are already earning more than him and a property owner. The the economic gap is only bound to grow exponentially overtime and if that is a reality you are willing to live with then by all means, as you were. if not then sit him down and talk to him about your concerns. If your man is a career employee, your financial situation is only bound to frustrate you over time. which is where you’ll need to weigh out what is more important to you, having a man that sufficiently provides or a man that loves you. We can’t always have it all and maybe being under par financially is his flaw.

    Good Luck, Stay Happy


  7. Thanks Mike. Goodmorning readers.

    AnQ I think your problem is the fact he earns less than you. Us men have a tendency of feeling powerless when our women earn more than we do. 1stly I feel the age gap between the two of you is too big, yes age is just a number but in your case it plays a HUGE ROLE. 2ndly you have no child at all and this man on top of his age has two children, how do you think you gonna survive when the 7year old turn into a teenager coz you’ll still be young by then and the child will be a handfull and cheeky. This might be true love babes but in a relationship Love alone is not enough, this guy should be earning more than you so he cn cater for you and your needs since you too young. Don’t leave the ma without talking to him, ask him what his plans for the future are and what his dreams are coz you not suppose to be feeding him amd his children. i say carry on grooming yourself but allow him to prove himself and tell him how you feel.


    1. Most bullsh*t advice ever on this page. What do you mean a man “should” be earning more than you? What does that have to do with anything? I know of couples where the man earns less than his lady but they still manage to make it work.. a man should not have to earn more than his lady for a relationship to be loving and understanding.

      1. Maybe in namibia its acceptable, here in this country you will have a miserable relationship if you earn less than a woman as a man. Its reality, her family will pressurise her I wont even mention her friends and colleagues. It always ends badly

        1. Jacks, i would much rather date a caring loving guy who earns less than me than 1 who earns more and who is abusive and disrespectful. Love doesnt care how much money whoever in the relationship earns. People can have wonderful relationships even when the men earns less.

  8. Q&A girl I love the fact that you’ve got your own and you stand your ground with your money as much as you love him. However, yes you are still very young. You’ve only been working for 2years but you’re already achieving, buying a flat and helping your mama build..that’s really great! I know you love this man but he’s got too much baggage, I’d advice you to leave him.

  9. That guy though but the woman diddnt deserve to die.. wanst she in prison though?

    Q-A..Communication is the keyyy to any successfull relationship.. its not the age difference trust me…

    Voice out your concerns but dont beat him down. that baby mama needs some strong prayers i tell you. Seek God my dear..

    See when it comes to sangoma? ai… another story. That baby mama must have something on your boyfriend, maybe the way they broke up…

    Ohh. you can set her up on a blind date. maybe if she finds someone she will stop…. (Sorry about that but its a plan)

    baby mama 1_ you need to discipline her… she is taking advantage, she must know her limits period. He is paying school fees and give her a fixed fee 4 other things. not a penny more or less. otherwise she will be even a bigger problem.

    The only why to fight a spirritual battle is with prayer….

    Goodluck and God Bless. Hope he fights out of his situation .

  10. Thank you Mike and team, not sure why this boss guy blaming Mxolisi, he sent his wife to prison and his daughter called her mom about Sthandile being at his house. Mxolisi is not to blame on this one. I honestly think Asithandile and Mxolisi need to handle their issues with less drama now they both have done wrong as adults they can just get the divorce and move on to avoid all these incidents.
    Q&A If you not happy in the relationship leave him.

  11. Thank you Mike. Why did you kill Nokwanda though 🙁

    Q&A, I wanted to respond, but words escape me… earning more than your boyfriend is one of the hardest challenges in a relationship, I am in the same dilemma, without any glimmer of hope. I guess you should just speak to him and voice your concerns, maybe he will try and push hard.

  12. But who assaulted Nokwanda in jail bathing? was it other prisoners? why ne go sa shwe Asthandile maar!!! thanks for a great read Mike

    Q&A my dear,leave this relationship. The fact that you are already having doubts just 8 months into the relationship shows you cant handle it long term. This man has too much baggage and you don’t deserve it. yes life wont always be a bed of roses but you don’t have to put up with so many of his problems and you’re not even married yet. Break up with him,gently (if possible)

  13. QnA. Worried I just think that subconsciously you know what to do but I guess you either don’t want to leave this man of yours because you believe you love him or you haven’t accepted that your time with him is over.
    I just believe that for a person that is as young as you are and dating a person that has two kids is absurd ey. I mean firstly this person is old for you and has toooooooo much baggage and secondly he has two different baby mamas that he did not marry, so my question to you is that what makes you so special to think that he wants to marry you because the way I see it and judging by his past relationships, he’s a guy that doesn’t commit to relationships.

    I personally say you don’t have to be a stepmother where you yourself don’t even have a child. leave before ba go loya. bitches be crazy out here

  14. Thanks Mike. . . . . I don’t understand your problem cc, all this drama is just toooo much for an 8month relationship. He’s broke cos he’s taking care of his children nd health,he’s not spending his money on alcohol nd gfs and I don’t think he asks u to support him ingxaki yakho and’yaz mna coz akafuni mali kuwe

  15. Dankie Adv Maphoto

    Q@A Yes unyanisile ntombi, u too young for this. That man is a burden. You gals u like to undermine iintanga zenu saying all the bull like childish and immature, phuck it maarn u lived 23 yrs naye also 23 yrs so wat extra mind do u have that he doesn’t? U like to jump to older man who r 34 same age as your uncle because u say they r mature. Guess what their problems n burdens r also mature more than you. Now when ish hit the fan u cry Zahara n be like “umthwalo wam uyandisinda” nithanda izinto gqithi. Get a young man your age and worry about airtime and carvelas not these baby mama dramas.

    Sies umncinci gqith for heavens sake. Roast me if u want, like u did to my other comrade in arms


  16. Q&A Baby girl you too young, you need to enjoy your money. You intelligent, mature and uyasazi istory sempilo about acquiring property and investment early in life. Abangangawe are busy spending their money irresponsibly but you on the other hand you understand what is more important in life. I love the fact that you also spoil yourself a bit, my point though is that you need someone as progressive as you. You need someone to encourage you towards the same direction and you will find one if you ask God. Akukho angeke asenzele kona if we pray and wait upon Him. Akujahwe ndawo cc enjoy life, help your mother build her house, buy those shares and invest your money wisely for the future and stop spending it izingane ongahlangene nazo. This man might not even marry you and even if he does, he is not worth the trouble, there is too much baggage.

  17. Hi Mike. thanks for the nice chapter this morning. I thought it was just me but it is really true that when you are unlucky in love you are just generally unlucky in life.

    guess it goes back to Marslows Hierarchy of needs . as humans we all need to love and be loved in order for us to reach the stage of self actualization.

  18. Thanks Mikezozo QnA baleka run fast as you can,yes your still very earn morethan him and you still have room to increase that pay of yours,is he willing to do the same? You don’t have a child yet already he has two,one with a demanding mom and a witch?well this is the begining more is still to come,already he was not supporting you with buying your own flat his so gonna have a problem with u taking the lead financially always,even after his done with sangomas which I doubt he wud,one month he won’t afford to take you out because di demand tsa the kids will be high,yes you love him mara kebona mathata ko pele strusbob

  19. QnA, Money is not a problem but spending it a problem but then again money is meant to b spent, and as for what u said, u not really taking full care of the guy as he pays rent n buys food, yo problem is rather that you pay for outings. N m very glad you do pay for your own fun.
    the only reason why a 23 year old would date a 34 year old/older guy is coz of his money n other material things, but wht u its coz of love. So id say stay with the guy if he is amazing as you say he is. Dont materialize.
    as for the witch mother, forget it, muthi doesnt work as how we think it does. U said u dnt believe in it, so forget about it.

  20. Worried i get what you going through a sneek peek in ma own life ‘i have been with my man for 3full year now wen i 1st met hm he was unemployed and gng tru things i cnt disclose and i was jst frm varsity. Eventually i got a job and he ws also tryn it ws hard and i wud brk up wt hm cz of finances i jst believed the man shud be the provider of evrythn eventually i broke up wt hm telin myself its for gud cz a man shud b able to tk care of me. The break up took an entire year and that was the year that i was at my worst i was miserable and all the money i ws getting cudnt make me happy. Friends hd lives to live wt their significant others and to think my bf dd nothin wrng to me hs only sin was dt he was broke. Eventually i pt my tail on my behind n went to apologise to him. Im at the happiest peek of my life. There is nothing he inst dng for me i stl get like 4 if nt 5 tyms more than he does bt he pays for part time studies now. Saving for lobola on hs own and takes care of me. So what im tryn to say is yes he mgt be earning less than u bt the mere fact dt he tks care of hs reaponsibilities shud show u what kind of a man he is and dt is he is a provider until he has no cent to provide. Yes bbymama prblms wl alws be there bt pray to ur God for he is a faithful one and a prayerful woman can conquer anything. I thnk the age has nothing to do wt ds in this life ee are all gng to achieve differently yes for u it came early bt he shudnt be condemned cz he is nt thr yet and it mgt happen df u wl alws earn more than him. The question is are u strong enough to accept that n be submissive to ur man?

  21. Worried…take your own advice YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS!!! why are you letting your life be over before its even begun over this man!? Things like this don’t usually get any better sisi, so leave now before you have kids with this man & kiss you financial independence bye bye!!

  22. Thanx Mike!!
    Whats with 23 year old and problems though! i swear every letter we read is of a 23 year old…Is it the age where the real shit begins..this scares the shit out of me as im approaching the age! Just_saying!

  23. Ay no but why u Mxo must take the blame for everything? Its not his fault that the boss’s wife ended up in hospital . This is sheer bad luck ngempela

  24. Oh dis is sad. She ddnt have to die though ay dis is saaaaaad shaim n as 4 u Mxo nje yonke into oyithintayo turned into a mess.
    Q&A worried jus 4low ur heart u r independent nje vele so do wat u should do!

  25. i dated a guy who was a few years older than me i loved him so much n he was gud to me but as we grew older (im 26) we started drifting apart. i earned more than him n id ddnt mean anything to me but its sure as hell bothered him…we tried to make it work but eventually it ended…what im trying to say is ive realised that most of the tym men feel intimidated and unimportant when u up a ladder and they still tryin to catch up…its normal for em to feel like dat coz like the bible says a man is the head 0f the h0use and he is suppose to be the provider…so if that man loves u irregardless of the fact that u earn more than him hold on to him n try n communicate with him..tell him ur frustrations coz gal guys ur age will either stick with u for the benefits (young gf, has her own shaggin pozi and is a provider) or just to have fun n u will get frustrated coz ua already used to being in a settled relationship…take ur time and think abt this

  26. Namibian fan. It would have been cool if the dude was earning less and was just using his money on them, to build their life and their future. Here he earns less and pays for two kids and sangomas. That’s too much for a 23 year old to handle, cause the nigga gets broke and she’s left to pick up the pieces, its not about the money but its more about the baggage he brings

  27. QA-im a 26yr old married woman married to a man that earns less than me i am the happiest woman alive i just pay for the bond at home and them my man does everything else you cant put a price tag on love communication is the key we love each other dearly and i wouldnt change him for anyone bottom line follow your heart

  28. Age has nothing to do with the problem you experiencing. Buying a flat on your own is a good investment, but not for your relationship. if you really want to work on your relationship or assist him to get his ducks on row. Advice your BF to make arrangements of getting both kids to permanently stay with him, since he can afford to look after them. remember you are not married so you can move out and start dating again since you both have stopped.

    I’m sure you’ll grasp something from all the comments above.

  29. … Eish pelo yaka yakwa bohloko… One of the saddest chapers I have read. May her soul rest in peace!

  30. My heart just bleeds for the daughter… Eish bophelo kese mphego ka nnete.

    Blessed weekend to you all!

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