Memoirs – Chapter Eighty Five

Posted on Posted in Memoirs of a Tired Black Man

There are men who regardless of the fact they do not want any part in your child’s life the will not and do not want you to abort. Selfish maybe, but true. These guys believe it’s bad luck and are the type to call you a murderer in public even if they abandoned you pregnant. Did I therefore want Lindiwe’s baby whom I could not even remember fathering? I was conflicted I won’t lie. I have always said I do no believe in children growing up fatherless. By fatherless I mean with the father not in the child’s life! I am sorry but that’s totally wrong as far as I am concerned. Lindiwe was already saying that she wanted to raise my child by herself. She is a pyscopath this one so he’ll no! I wanted to be the man that I thought I was more and I was not even being corny. When you father a child, you contribute to the raising of that child not just financially but emotionally as well inclusive of time and effort. We had made the mistake but the child should never know that it was considered a mistake. Lindiwe looked a bit pale but she cracked a slight smile and said,

“I don’t want anything from you. I work and with the second child I am done. I told you that day when we met that I want two children and I don’t want a husband. You people are scary!”

She said I think trying to crack a joke considering the tenseness of the situation.

“I am married Lindiwe this will destroy my marriage”

I said calmly. My marriage was already over but she did not need to know that now did she? I know I wanted to this child but I had to put my cards on the table. Honesty is never overrated and the only people who say that are those doing something wrong.

“I know Mxolisi. I know you are married that’s why I said I can raise our child, I mean my child alone!”

She said.

“I don’t mean it like that Lindiwe. I am not abandoning you or our baby I am just calling facts.”

I responded. She needed to understand that we both knew what he had just gotten into and we had to acknowledge it. You see, the problem with a side dish is that it more often than not tries to over extert it’s power especially if it gets pregnant. It’s easy to say that a side dish must know her position when she is not pregnant because in your head you always think you can walk away anytime. A baby changes all that. A baby gives her power and that’s critical! I had to handle Lindiwe as best I could because much as she was saying this I am very certain that pregnant women are super emotional and she will change her tune very soon. As men we do things without thinking through our consequences!

I asked her if I could hug. I don’t think she expected that because it took her by surprise and even her reaction said so. There was no one in the parking lot. As a female lawyer you can never have a your colleagues perceive you weak and I understood were she was coming from when she said public display of affection at work was not professional and bad for her image. I told her it was bad for my image too but fuck it, we all need a hug once or twice, for reassurance. Someone has to remind you that everything willl be ok and this was one of those moments this was happening. I opened my arms and when she did not walk into them I walked to her and held her regardless.

“We in this together…”

I whispered to her and let go. We couldn’t hug for too long to be fair but at least she knew. I am sure she did not take that entirely to heart though because let’s face it, when it comes to pregnancy a woman goes through it alone whether pregnant or not! You have to be an utter idiot to get pregnant if you have not planned for it and by yourself not married! When you dating a man usually once you are pregnant chances of your relationship working fall really to 40\60 with the chances of him leaving higher than him staying. Why do girls allow this to happen though? Ah I don’t know!

We got back into the office and Dalu called me for a chat. He said that myy wife had called him saying she thought something was going on with me and that she should talk to me. I told her everything was fine why would he think that? He then said so me hugging Lindiwe was not a problem? How did he even know? Who else knew? Office gossip moves so fast! I could not tell him that it was because she was pregnant. Crap! If it came out she was pregnant then we will be passed of for promotions! White people at work shag each other but when us darkies do it it’s considered scandalous and wrong! Just calling a spade a spade! I told him I had to go because I realised that this could be a bigger problem than I thought.

As I walked into my office I got a call from reception saying there was someone to see me!

When I got there I found Khanyi there. Okay! What did she want? She ran up to me and hugged me. I quickly shrugged her off.

“I am sorry about what happened last night. It was not what I had planned. He insisted on coming.”

She said. I was not really interested. What did she want? Her boyfriend had punched me.

“I told your wife you had invited me for dinner and I was with him. She insisted I bring him and he insisted on coming too. I was not trying to set you up. I came to apologize!”

She said and the she did something I did not expect. She moved so quickly I did not even see it.

She gave me a quick kiss and turned and walked away. Someone tapped me on the back, I turned around and there was Lindiwe. There was no way Khanyi had not seen her because she was behind me. She kissed me for her!

What the hell!

“So this is the real you?”

Lindiwe said, folding her arms across a her chest waiting for a response!

***The End***



Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Dear Mike.

Thank you for reading my letter.

I have been the other woman for the last five years. I met my boyfriend when we were still in university. He had a girlfriend and he never hid that fact. I had a super crush on him and I got my man. However he refused to break up with his girlfriend for me and I stayed with him. Now he proposed to the other girl and are about to get married yet he still comes to sleep over. I am pregnant with his child. 3months now. I know I made my bed and I want to walk away. I love him with everything that I have but I don’t think I want that for my child. I have tried breaking up with him several times but each time we get back together. I want to walk away and I don’t know how.

Please advise


49 thoughts on “Memoirs – Chapter Eighty Five

  1. QnA I have been in that situation. My boyfriend refuses to walk away from 1st gf yet we live together 24/7 but when he goes home be always makes sure that they meet up. Its so difficult to walk away but I suggest you walk away when you are ready as gou will keep going back if you walk away while you still love him.
    Just try to protect your child from this messy situation. All the best

  2. Thanks Mike. Yyyhho Mxolisi – sticky fingers my boy, you’ve just entered hell mfana wam!!! You stupid lawyer….
    A to Q: Nombulelo, I do not wish to be you, infact no woman wants to be in your shoes. Side dish – yes, but for so long sis? And now, bringing a child into your misery? This child will never be accepted, iyoba ufihliwe for the rest of their life? Is this what you want for a child, your child??? Personally – I would abort and move on…love or not love, you can’t be inlove or have this guy. Not unless he’s going to marry you as well and be wife no.2. I’m sorry sisi, love hurts and at times it’s us ladies that just want to put ourselves through the pain all over and over again, and for what I don’t know. Good luck Nombulelo.

  3. Haaike Mxo n his wife are in a dangerous game, mara I fear for Mxo seems his mistresses will get him into trouble.
    Nombi haowa sesi how can u allow urself to be de ada woman at dat age, get an abortion n get out of dat affair, it is simple de guy doesn’t luv u, he luvs her n is not going to leave her for u so what are you still sticking around for? its now 5yrs so o batla ebe 10yrs bf u open urs eyes? get out from der u will find ur own man, who told u dat he is de last born of men on earth hhh? he knows ur pregnant but continues to put a ring on someone’s finger., u are number last on his list sesi get it into ur thick scalp.

  4. Thanks Mikeesto, this story is the best weekday fix for sure.

    Buli, I’m not gonna pass judgement and insult u with needless commentary of things you already know. Personally, I feel for you shem sisi.

    Number of times, number of people, myself included, have gone through or going through ish like that, it can get ugly.

    You are pregnant now, that should be your prime focus, your child. Your moral compass is proly still impaired. You were dating him knowing he had a regte, I don’t see how that’s gonna change when he gets married.

    There only thing you need to realise is that, even though in some weird way, this guy loves you, he doesn’t love you enough to marry you. In a harsh sence, you are not wife material to him. You should take that to heart as it will help free the burden of letting go and cutting ties with the dude. Atleast you got preg after 5 years, it was only 4months to some.

    You need to value yourself more and you need to realise that being a nyatsi, although has its advantages, isn’t always ideal. Umntana wakho uzobonwa nge time table, the poor child will proly not know the father’s side because he will have to shield his makoti from such embarrassment.

    I think you know what you have to do, regardless how good the shag is sisi, being a parent, you will realise that there are far more better things to life than getting laid with a committed man/woman. Make a decision, not for you but for your unborn. Plenty men out there. Wait til he comes your way.


  5. Q and A_Sisi I dont mean to sound a bit harsh but you need to have respect for yourself and love yourself first. If you do not have enough respect and love for yourself standing up for yourself and doing and knowing whats best for you is hard almost impossible in fact. You need to know your worth and see yourself outside of this man because it so so obvious that he doesn’t love you at all. How can you stay with someone who has no love and respect for you?

    Love is a two way street, you give it and you receive it. If you do not receive it walk away its not worth your time or your heart. You are busy destroying yourself by being with him and your believing in love deteriorate or vanish completely. You have to understand that there is a bigger and better world outside of this man and never ever under no circumstance accept to be someones second best unless you are second best to yourself.

    Lalela you breaking up with this guy comes from your head and its your head that should lead you in getting over him. Cut contact and dont allow him to come see you in a private place because that will lead to sex and even if you do sleep with him ,which i wouldn’t advise, tell him you are done with him until he gets it through his head. The other thging you can do is threaten to tell his fiance about you that will definitely keep him at a distance from you.

    I dont know you but i love you sisi and i do hope and pray that you will find a man that will respect you as a woman and make you his number one. and all the best for motherhood.

  6. Nombulelo you have the power to walk away and stay away. The best thing you can do for yourself and your unborn baby is to just walk away from the situation you are in, by being in that situation you are not giving yourself an opportunity to meet a man you are destined to be with or to venture into life and try something different, just go please.

    Thanks Mike you are the best and the blog rocks.

  7. Thank you Mike
    AtoQ: Nombulelo love, i soo wish to advice you sis but am just so confused and don’t know where to start nor what to say. But anyway all the best in keeping that baby. Babies are a gift from God, what if u decide to abort only to find out that that is your first and last child God gave you? You will find your man ngelinye ilanga. yekela loyo mgulugutu. All the best dear.

  8. Q & A i was once in your shoes except i walked away after two months and met a guy i love with all my heart and he is mine and mine alone. I guess its too late to say walk away you have a child on the way. Move on with your life and be content with being a single mom. Being number 2 is never pretty.

  9. Morningz lovely people!!

    Q&A: Nombulelo this is a tough one cc! Normally I’m one of those people that believe in facing your challenges but on this one I’m leaning towards you putting distance (as in kilometres) between u & this guy. The complication though is the pregnancy & support from friends and family (besides the baby daddy) is very important and it really helps make things manageable. I only pray that u find a way that will work for u & the baby. Bear in mind that whatever decision or choice u make there will be consequences and do ask God (if u believe) for strength to pull through. Talk to an elder you’re comfortable with in your family for help & guidance gal. Sekwenzekile kunje ngoku hitting u (or yourself) will not change what’s done. I sincerely wish you all the best dear!

  10. Q&A, I feel for you my dear. I wanna tell you about a friend of mine, she also is in a relationship with an engaged guy since 2011 (almost 3 years now). The guy and my friend stays in one province and the fiance in another, they see each other almost every weekend and he visits fiance once a month and you would think that by now he would have broken off the engagement but no he hasn’t. She (my friend) made a moemish and fell pregnant last year, we all thought that the guys will now make up his mind and brake off the engagement but no he didn’t, he begged and pleaded her to abort because he was worried the whole pregnancy thing will mess up his life with his fiance. She didn’t abort and then he stayed away from her, the eintire 9 months, she did everything by herself to an extent of hiring someone to drive her to hospital whilst the guy was around.

    All m trying to say is that we realised that, the guy had made up his mind he loves and he’s committed to his fiance. If a guy tells you m with someone but if u want u can be my side dish, all he’s saying is that i have my number one, if u want and agree i can make u my second best, and that’s what u gonna be, second best no matter what you do u will always be the other woman.

    U have to try hard my dear to let him go, u deserve better, much better than he’s offering.

  11. A 2 Q: Nombulelo, I was in a similar situation before. I met a guy who told me he had a girlfriend but things were not really working out cos they were now staying in different towns. I was skeptical at first but eventually fell for his charms and we started dating. The guy promised to break up with his girlfriend but he never did, in fact he would stop the car in the middle of the road to get out and talk to her if she called. Too many things happened and I knew he wasn’t breaking up with her but I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him. Fast forward a year later, the guy went and married her and didn’t even tell me. It didn’t take months after before the wife found out about me and we had a confrontation – I still chose to stick around despite having a guy who was single and asking me out. One day after too many confrontations with his wife, I just told him to fuck off, I have never looked back since. I started dating the guy who had been asking me out and its already been 3 years now, we are happy.

    Sorry my comment is long but the point is, get up and close that door sisi, that man does not love you and he will not be a family with you and your unborn child. Its just you and your unborn child, start picking up the pieces before that child is born.

  12. It is nice to be the wife,usually its the nyatsis who will be fighting and putting this man in his place…let them fight

    @Nombu…..its you the unwanted,painful as it is….its you who have to leave..its you who have been used…its you again who has to cut the ties….he will Neva be there for the child,its your own load…the moment you realized that the other woman is there,you should have gone….but you waited for the worst….please leave……you will be shocked two years later U forgot abt him….,pregnancy i don’t know….u might be found by a guy who will accept your child….i really don’t know about the child…eish

  13. QnA: Babe I see people advising you to abort. it’s not in your best interest to loose two loves at once. Leave the guy though,he isn’t serious about you. I doubt he even loves you. He is blocking the way for blessings to reach you. You are destined for a greater and truer love than what you have settled for.

  14. A2q. Sisi, u should have walked away while back whn it ws easy 2. The longer we stay in lifeless relationships the harder it becomes to walk away. He is just like mxolisi

  15. nombulelo what you are doing to yourself and that unborn baby is criminal. i mean you already know that this man chose to marry another woman and you go and get pregnant by him,im not being harsh and im not judging you but i think you already know what you wanna do deep down in your heart, so take that initiative and change your life. stop being afraid of being alone and move on with your life, if that man is meant to be with you eventually he will realize his mistakes but if not then it means you are closing your chances of finding a real man for you.

  16. Was in love with a guy who told me that they broke up with the baby mama,got pregnant had a miscarriage,he wanted us to try again,Neva got the opportunity to fall pregnant again,after two years in this relationship went to visit him one afternoon,found a lady and a child doing his laundry,introduced myself as a lady he owes money to,and left…he wasn’t present,so that moment i realize that i was played,played,played and i left….u are not foolish Nombulelo it can happen to anyone but a wise woman chooses what’s best for herself…go see a psychologist it does help,till today i still wonder wat did he want a child for with me knowing so well that he doesn’t love me….its still puzzles me,but i count my miscarriage a blessing in disgues….bcs i would still be miserable…,a man found me in my misery…someone said other men come to destroy others come to restore…..

    1. I am currently in the same situation dear….its painful but I know God loves me enough to have exposed the truth…..devil is a lier.

  17. I am about four months pragnanat and most people will say abort but I know that is not a good idea cause at this point you bonded with your child!!! U put ur self in this mess u need to fix it! No guy will walk away from his main girl friend!!! They never do!! Now what you have to do is inform your family of the pragnancy and name him and go through that whole proccess of families meeting up because if u keep your baby a secret he or she will recent u at a later stage!!! And remeber u deserve better than second best!!!

  18. A cc its only you who can identify how you want man to treat you if keep on letting come back to you when he wants too cause he dont value you nor respect you

  19. Eish Mxo usengxakini enkulu bhuti. Thank you bhut’ Mike

    Buli gal you are in trouble – this is all up to you though. I would suggest that you sit down with baby daddy and tell him of your intensions to walk away from this lifeless relationship and actually walk away. He might accuse you of all sorts of things or he might just be the sperm donor he is and be ok with your decision; either way he cannot have his bread buttered both sides anymore. But whatever happens do what is best for you and your child. If he says he wants to be involved in the child’s life let him but please please pretty please this must be done right. By that I mean go through the right channels like families must be involved, the child must not be made a secret. To him it might seem you want to spite him and ruin “his life” for not leaving his fiance and be commited to you but who cares? Be selfish when it comes to the interests of your child. If he then doesn’t want this child so be it, cut all ties with him: delete his contacts, block him on social media, ignore his calls, messages and everything, if you are leaving on your own find yourself a flatmate or move and don’t tell him.
    It is not that you don’t know how to walk away, but you always hope that things will change but as you can see they are headed the opposite direction so gal wake up and smell the roses; this man never loved you, he liked you and maybe still does but love??? Nay! Your downfall was that you did not LISTEN to him when he told you about his girlfriend now fiance before you even started this relationship because you hoped that things would change.

  20. Mike Thank you dear. I always look forward to a new day. we really appreciate it.

    QnA: I just hope you learnt from this experience Buli. Never ever put yourself through that.Never ever compromise yourself for a man. The biggest flaw us women have is that WE forget our WORTH. Men do what they do to us because we allow them to. My advice would be.. walk away, close that door behind you and never ever look back. Start a new life with your baby and all will be alright.

  21. Q n A: if u allow 2 b a second girlfriend I dnt think any guy takes u seriously, I think he often wonders if u would be faithful 2 him o u would cheat on him as well. Men love strong women u can stand thy ground who dnt take nonsense. Now if u allow urself to b treated as 2nd best n set ur standards dat low he can only see u o tyk u as u allow him 2. N if a guy has decided 2 marry another woman while u there with him / worse if preg 4 him dan u with the wrong guy. Baleka …. Gal dump the guy raise ur bby allow him 2 father his child if he wants it fine . Ladies if some1 has a gf already n thy open abt it dan plz dnt date him! Worse if hz engage /married , incase ur confuse God will not send u someone else husband 2 b ur man. Nombulelo myeke he has made his choice.

  22. Shame sesi I feel for you. Even though some of us are acting all self righteous, this happens even to the smartest woman. But the reality is this man is marrying this other girl, so you need to let him go. I know its easier said then done but you have bigger things to worry about like a baby you possibly have to raise on your own. So if you cant do it for you then please do it for your baby.

  23. Hi Buli, I have been in the same situation… maybe even worse than urs… But I made a choice to walk away..I kept my baby and my family and friends supported me throughout the pregnancy.. It was not easy at all.. But in the end I had sum sense of peace and joy of looking at my daughter everyday. I haven’t meant any1 as yet…But I have hope that one day I will!!

    Just walk away sweets!!

  24. Profound comments right there. Big ups to all those whom kept it real and not advised this poor soul to terminate her pregnancy. @ Buli its so unfortunate that you had to go through such but remember everything happens for a reason. That baby is a blessing from God. Do not terminate. Leave that man for his not worthy of you. Love yourself more and walk away. I know how these bustards can be when you break up with them especially these powerful ones they think they own you. I have broken up a long time ago with some well known politician last year already and he won’t leave me alone. He thinks he owns me because he is not used to women saying no to him. Last time I had seen him was earlier this year when he disrespected my mother and demanded tp to see me. Imagine that. Now idiot had a meeting yesterday in our building and came by my office to see me. He didn’t call just pitched and tried kissing me in front of my boss like WTF. I know how it feels to have a man whom wont leave you alone and ogo salang morago okare ona le woza woza anyway hun seek guidance from God and he will show you the way. All the best.

  25. A2Q my dear there is a book by td jakes called,leave that man,let him go,read it,u will know ur self worth,value and strength,God bless u my love,as u make that life changing decision my sister

  26. Q&A
    The minute you agreed to be the guys gf while you knew that he had a gf is the time you lost all your worth to this guy. He saw that you don’t value yourself to settle for being second best. So why would he value you if you don’t? He clearly doesn’t love you enough you probably just an escape from his “world” and a sex object! sorry for saying that. Leave this guy and keep your baby(pity that a life will be brought into such a mess). Nevertheles a baby is a gift from God. Love and value yourself sisi. This guy doesn’t deserve you. And fact is you will pass on good guys (potential husbands) while you busy with this guy who doesn’t even love you. As hard as it may (5years is a lot) leave this guy. Its the best thing you can do for your and your unborn baby. I feel for you shame. Isile lendoda rhaaa!

  27. The comments are so profound, just gotta love this blog.

    Mxolisi, you have really dug your own grave here! to say you disappoint me with your foolishness would be an understatement of the century. These women don’t think you stupid they know you are!!!!

  28. Q n A, l wonder how l am still single whilst there are girls like you Nombulelo, come to me, l will love and take care of you infinitely

  29. Dear Nombulelo. my advise to you is that please DO NOT ABORT your babe. i know my dead it might look impossible now but if there is one thing i can guarantee you is that your child will make you realise the love that you never knew exised ib you so much so that you might find in you to be able to let this man go. that child will give you the reason to carry on in life n might just be the good reason for you to let go. i know i might not make so much sense now but one day when you are holding your Joy in your arms you will know what im talking about and nothing else will metter so much. good luck my sweetheart you made a mistake like all we do but a child is not a mistake but a blessing from God. i wish i can give you a hug n tell you that all will be well.

  30. @ Nombu -The man doesn’t deserve u bt ke we all make mistakes learn frm dis 1 n move on. If nt for yo sake for yo unborn baby coz if u continue with him n u n de baby being de 2nd best -yo baby will alway b dat in life coz de best we can give our children is being gud examples. Our children protray us most of the tym so pls sisi love yoself enuf to let go n let go . Listen to Mavern Sapp – He has His hand on u. There is nothing greater dan God dis too shall pass okwamanje kusemnyama n it seems impossible bt with God all is possible.

    Forgive yoself for being 2nd best n pray for courage to move on.There is a man out there 4 u who will love u 4 u.


  31. Mike nice @ Buli men out there want to kids outside marriage nje(we do that)Did u think getting pregnant will make him love more?guess u got Ur answer . Just tell him how u feel if he doesn’t leave his queen them move on,Ladies the moment u agree to be a side dish to us u choose be our home . So now u know I hope u get it now

  32. Buli most of us have been in that kinda situation just that you stayed too long and created a life out of nothing. Be strong dear a child is a blessing from God leave that man he is not worth it, it won’t be easy pray about it you will pull through.

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