Memoirs – Chapter Forty Two

Posted on Posted in Memoirs of a Tired Black Man

The best advice I ever read was that make sure your love can survive outside the bubble! The bubble being after the honeymoon stage you have to realize that the adrenalin of first falling in love, the big occasion of the wedding and all well wishers goes away and a relationship becomes an everyday job. Temptation will always fall in and when and if it does you both have to be ready to deal with its consequences because often they come thick and fast. Its like with everyone, when you have a problem the quickly accumulate to more than one in moments. This was me. Being caught with a love-bite is like having lipstick on your collar. Make up is different in that you can say a person hugged you smudging the collar but a love-bite is intimate! At the back of my neck at that? Really! I hated Lindiwe now because clearly she had set me up. How was I supposed to have seen it? Its not like I have easy access to the back of my neck nor eyes at the back of my head to see it.

I tried to remain as calm as I possibly could and asked her what she meant because I am as certain as day that I did not have a love bite. My body though had tensed up and now I really needed that massage! She took her phone and took a picture of the back of my neck to show me. I know a love bit when I see one and there it was. It really was. Had my drink been drugged or something because not only did I not remember the sex but I also did not remember the hickey! She told me that I had this one chance to be honest with her and if I was not she would leave me right here right now. Women often encourage you into confessing something with the promise of leniency but if there is one thing I had learned its that its just a reuse! You most likely will just be in as much trouble if not more on the virtue that if you can confess to it so candidly then clearly to her you are not repentant enough! Its therefore always a trick question.

After looking at the picture she had just taken I remained calm and said must be some kind of allergic reaction or something because I hate love bites and would never be stupid enough to leave one on my body. I also calmly asked her to look for more such just in case the infection was spreading! The trick is not to panic because that is what makes you look guilty. Lawyers prep their guilty clients all the time on how to carry themselves. She said she was not a child she knew what a love-bite look like and I put on a serious tone and I said to her,
“You really are serious right now? You honestly think I would be so stupid to cheat on my wife and bring evidence home? Let me turn around…”
I said to her as she was still sitting on my back. She got off slowly and I could see she was about to cry.
“Love come on. Its not a love-bite. Why else would I encourage you to search for more on my body if it was?”
She did not answer because I could see now she was thinking. The trick about getting out of a situation is daring her to get you into an even bigger one. It makes the person look stupid and that’s exactly what I was doing.
“You know I love you and I will never bring harm to our family. You know I love you right?”
I asked her. She nodded her head in agreement. The one lesson I had learned in life about dating someones child was this, always and I mean always treat as though the sun rises and sets on her ass. Treat like a princess, go above and beyond even because on the day you do cheat she will not believe even if its right in front of her. Make sure that if she cheats on you after all this, no man will ever reach your standards and she will always compare you to whoever she ends up with even marrying. Its both cruel and sweet at the same time but that was me. My wife knew I would go buy her ice cream in Egypt if she asked me and walk back if I had to. Cheat? Me? Come on now. I asked f I have ever given her a reason to suspect that I was cheating and she said no which was true. I always call home to tell her where I am. If anything lately she was the one that was acting as though she was up to something and not me. I even brought it up and she said that it was because she was the new girl at work and she did not want t be seen as the new girl at work who is always on her phone. She told me that her boss had told her that for people to respect you in the workplace they must see your work ethic. This is how colleagues see you as your equal. She again mentioned how Khanyi had really been so helpful with all this because she made sure she always did her job well on time. I wanted to say to her that Khanyi was not her friend but how would I explain that to her and make her understand without implicating myself.

One of her biggest fears she said was not being able to make it in the work place considering how long she had not worked. She said she often used to wonder what would happen to her if something God forbid ever happened to me. I had never thought of this that way. When you are young you always assume you will never go anywhere let alone die. As a housewife having to recompose yourself after losing a husband and going to look for a job must be one of the toughest thing to do. Naturally I had assumed she was content with me taking care of her by her lack of interest but now that she was saying this I was dumbfounded. I felt like apologizing but am not sure what for exactly and besides I still had more questions to ask her before I turned back to being the lover I was. This was the first time we have really spoken in a while and this time she could not run away upstairs to hide. My wife never did the whole deep talk thing. She often avoided confrontation and would rather say sorry than stand and argue her point.

She asked me to get back on my back but I was not going to be that stupid. What if she indeed found more bites? Hell no! I had dodged one bullet and I had zero intention of finding more reason why for her to question me. I pretended to be disappointed in her mistrust of me and kept on saying how I cannot believe she would think so little of me. Again she had given me an opening so I asked,

“Baby why did you refuse to have sex with me last night and on all those other nights?”

She looked down to the ground like the sand on the beach was going to answer for her.

“I am listening because you are killing me. I am no longer happy with just keeping quiet and I don’t want to sleep with anyone else other than you so please make me understand?”

She kept looking down and she whispered something barely audible of which I asked her to repeat that?

“Its because you have this bad odor during sex, your armpits especially. I love you with all my heart and it is not any easy thing to say…”

Did she just say I smelled? We had been married for years and today she had decided to say that?

I wanted to die!

****The End****

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Dear Mike

I am 17 and I think my best friend is turning lesbian and her object of affection is me. We are both grade elevens and in the same class. We do not sit together in class because our teachers say we tend to distract one another. Different teachers have caught her, this year especially, staring at me and have embarrassed us both in front of the class by calling out our names. She always wants to sleep at my house and mind you she lives in a mansion and I live in a township. Even some of our mutual friends have started to question her feelings towards me. A month ago we played spin the bottle with friends and she insisted on kissing no one but me. What’s worse, I have a huge crush on her 19 year old brother who goes to Wits and she knows this. Before she used to tease me about it but now she gets angry if I even mention his name. I am scared to offend her if I ask her if she lesbian but am also uneasy about being with her all the time now because maybe her feelings will grow then what. I am not lesbian nor am I bisexual. She is my best friend and I love her to bits as just that…my friend! Please advise me on how I should handle this.

Thank You


67 thoughts on “Memoirs – Chapter Forty Two

  1. Thanx mike
    qnA .u can only hope that its a stage anf that it will pass.
    talk to her and ask her wassup.
    sumtyms galfrnds jst really grow fond of each other.

  2. I’m delighted to be in the top 5, I’ve been following Mike story since the pioneer of DOZG,I’ve read all questions and comments which are made by readers,this bloc teaches,informs and entertains, keep up the good work Mike and to all readers may the good Lord richly bless you and continuing like that you enlighten others!!!

  3. Thanks Mike. As for the smelly armpits, how dissappointing. Why didn’t she say something all this time. Have always wondered how couples tell each other when they smell, esp the mouth. Some ppl have serious odours coming out their mouths, ungaquleka!!!
    A to Q: get a boyfriend ASAP, and slowly move away from her. There’s no problem with loving the same sex or exploring, but don’t be forced into it coz you scared to embarrass that person by saying ‘No’.

  4. Q&A: Ask your friend how she feels about you and be honest on how you perceive her to avoid misleading her unintentionally which can destroy your friendship at the end of the day

  5. Oh My Word!!! Smelly armpits, now that was the worst thing to say….Thanks Mike for yet another good read….
    I miss DOAZG though

  6. Lol smelly armpits!! @QndA sisi I think the best way is just to sit calmly with your friend and ask her what’s going on and how you feel as well! Because this might be a misunderstanding and you surely don’t want to lose your bestie because of this…

  7. Lmao!ay this woman is strong hey,to hide this from him for so long lol. I would of told him then make him take a bath before we do it or take a shower together and get on with it ryt there shame.

  8. Later on when Lindiwe instigates charges against him, she is going to use this bit of information to get him in a jam… demmet

  9. Lol hahahahahhahahahahaaaa #dead……. This is the most funniest ending I have ever read!!!! Nice one Mike lol hahahaaa
    …I can’t stop laughing…

  10. Hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Vele how do you tell your partner if they have bad odour? Bad breath is the worst.

  11. i dont buy the smelly ampits excuse one bit – your refusing your hubby sex is a recent thing; Asthandile thetha inyani cc what’s up???

  12. A2Q
    Zizi ask your friend why does she now get angry when you mention her brother, why doesn’t she joke about it anymore, what’s changed, it really concerns you and you would like to know why… Don’t ask if she is lesbian cause this might be a misunderstanding and you would loose her, tell her that her behavior over the past weeks worries you and that you would like her to be honest with you and tell you what’s wrong… If she does turn out to be lesbian and she does want you, turn her down gently tell her you love her but you are ‘strictly dickly’, but you will support her and maybe help her find a suitable gf. All in all ask her what’s wrong before jumping into conclusions. Goodluck

  13. Smelly armpits how about that? hahahaha so Lindiwe also knows about this kwaaaaaaaaaaaaks.

    zizipho get a boyfriend lala and slightly keep your distance. There is no such thing as being overly fond of each other. We all have best friends of whom we as close as sisters can be but there is no way we are that clingy.
    You may ask her when she is getting a boyfriend just to test the waters but don’t call her lesbian or even ask if she is. based on her answer you will know if she is or not but do urself a favour and starting dating you still in high school so it doesn’t have to be that serious.

  14. Yoh! Asthandile mara?! Mxolisi you are married to a stranger I feel for you shame. What kind of a woman does that to her husband?! She should have told him a long time ago or bought him anti-perspirants rather than to bore us. Sies and shame on her, now I understand why its Memoirs of a Tired Black Man nxa…..oa tena mosadi wa Mxo.

  15. Hahahaha o maaka mosadi o!hw cn u say this nw after so long!she living a lie shame!khanyi lindiwe I’m sure knws about this if its the truth!jooooooo I laugh so much bt I feel for this guy!I’m think wat if it was me!jOooo mmawe

  16. i dont know y mxolisi took so long to cheat on this stuck up snob she deserves it yazi she gets everything ayifunayo but she is such a bad wife ghaaa since when she discovered hubby uyanuka usile lo asithandile and she is already cheating i can feel it

  17. Hahahahahaha hubby smelling all of a sudden even shud v told him, stl think she’s cheating ne boss…..QnA Zizipho pls dear stand ur ground she’s disrespecting u n ur friendship phela she’s a lesbian nt u, my advice talk 2 her if cont jst end friendship

  18. Kwaa I die! but I understand Asthandile’s situation. Its not easy telling your partner such. Its like most women dont even reach an orgasm. Instead they fake and after go to the bathroom and finish off. I have done that too but I have learned over the years that communication is key to a great relationships. We must just learn to be comfortable around each other and if you not happy with something. Politely address the situation!

  19. Lol Somehow I don’t believe her… all along she was bothered by his armpits, as a wife why didn’t she say?

  20. Mike i bet asthandile is cheating!!! and she has been cheating for a while. she was never inlove with Mxolisi in the first, she got married to him because of money. soon as she saw that Mxolisi was getting successful she started payin attention to him!!

  21. Zizipho relax and ask her why she gets angry when you speak about her brother or ask when she’s getting a man or even compliment some guys to see what she says. If she goes bonkers about guys then she’s straight. If she feels strange when you bring up guys ask her why and tell her that as a bff she has to tell you wassup

  22. What? Asithandile this is a very lame excuse shame. I think you both cheating and I’ve a feeling Mxolisi is going to be in deep s***.
    QnA : Zizipho, your frend is up to something and she knows you’re into guys. Talk to her abt this. Come up with a story abt gays and les and see her reaction. Be honest with her abt your preference. Take care and good luck with your studies.

  23. LOL hai now the wife #SMH #SmellyAmpits. @ Q&A…Could it be possible that she(your friend) is trying to protect you from her brother, m.b she knows stuff that would potentially hurt you, she might be trying to get your mind off him. It would be best to talk to her and find out, ask her if she likes females in an intimate way..thn proceed from there.

  24. hahaaaaaaa kwaaaaaax lol , aowa n xe just saying it now ? I think xe no longer love u xem , her feelings for u is no longer the same.

  25. Smelly armpits, lol, this is interesting, nof for one second do i believe this to be the real and honest answer , patiently waiting for the next chapter. Great read

  26. Wabona this chapter made my day I can’t stop laughing, smelly armpits lol now I’m sure he’s gonna be more cautious before he thinks of cheating again.hehehehe

  27. Ouch, am sure ur self confidence took a nose dive at that very moment. Well done gal, she’s playing u. Hat off to this woman!!

  28. I was married to a man who had bad breath, n I never kissed him .N one day he asked me why I never kiss him ,I told him the truth. He was so hurt n he made a big deal out of it n that was the end of it.He never tried to kiss me again. He started cheating n eventually he left the truth will not always set u free but I’m glad I told him n never I told a soul about this.he is now married again.Well good riddens

  29. Kwaaaaaaaks!@ bad odour during sex! Hahahahaha. Kana Mxo now have to look back n count how many times he had killed this woman with the smell. What abt Khanyi, Lindiwe ene areng. welldone Asthandile U got him thinking real hard!

  30. When you cheat you don’t go with a tester to test all the people you sleep with for STI, Mthobisi might have one or more. Asthandile she’s a woman with homones.
    A lady had a boyfriend for more than 6yrs. They loved sex so much doing it every day even during her PM days. when they break up she was telling the world about his smelly feet

  31. Thanks Mike for the lovely read, maybe Asthandile is pregnant shame. There is no way that you can date and marry a person and not say what you don’t like about them but yet you tell tell the you love him. What does she think the other people are saying when they se Mxo hay selfish lomfazi.

  32. Yoh mike waze wangikhumbuza indaba yami eyenzeka ngikwa gr8 nine isoka lingitshela ukuthi ngibogeza izindlebe,I couldn’t face him after loko kwamela nje sihlukane,I wonder how is mxo gonna live with dis it wil reli kill his self esteem its lyk umkakho ethi u hav a small dick..ncicicici.

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