Memoirs – Chapter Thirty Seven

Posted on Posted in Memoirs of a Tired Black Man

Let’s talk about hugging. I have always felt that hugs tend to be so freely given between the sexes but are they necessary? As a guy I love hugging a woman that’s not mine. Why? Being in the arms of another is just so beautiful especially if you hug those girls that squeeze and there are quite a few.. It’s one thing to hug a colleague, its short and brief but there are times when you hug someone and it’s a little bit extra long. A lot of women have experienced this I am certain where in giving a hug the guys squeezes a bit too tight just so he can feel her breasts squish on him. It’s uncomfortable I am told, the BK hug my friends now call it and quite unnecessary! Most hugs to me wreak of being BKs so when another man hugs my wife I am not comfortable. We need to learn boundaries! A married woman should not go around hugging men and vice versa. It does not sit well with me. Its awkward and feels like sharing and well I don’t share too well. I know most small companies especially in the entertainment sector are run by young people but to hug your boss is seriously out of order! I was not going to stand for this. With the power now back on I could hear her talking to herself asking if she left the lights on again!

When she walked in I was not sure what to do. Firstly I startled her and she screamed and jumped where she stood. I had scared her because she had not expected to find someone in the house. Now here I was standing in front of her. She even dropped what she was doing. She asked me what I was doing here and I almost said I live here but I understood what she meant. She came over to hug me but I was a bit cold and she noticed it. She asked what was wrong and I pulled back and went to sit down. I did not want to startle her or shout at her either. At times I feel that lowering your voice and explain breaking down something to someone goes a long way than raising your voice. Much as I wanted to smile and be warm and fuzzy because I won’t lie those days away from her I had really missed her. It was so tense. I could feel my muscles tense up even just by looking at her. Its odd because considering my own indiscretions this made no sense. I should be more rational than this.

I asked her to sit down. She did so nervously because I never behave like this. I am a very hyper person always quick to crack a joke or at least I think so. I told her that I had seen her hugging her boss and is this what she was working for I asked? At first she was confused because I don’t think she felt that she had done anything wrong. She told me that everyone in the office hugs and that was normal. I put that on hold because if this were true then it was hard to argue it from this angle. I then asked how is it appropriate, even to the neighbours, that she a married woman get dropped off my another man in her driveway and hugs him like they were teenagers? This time I stumped her. She tried to think of a response but that failed dismissal. I had her where I wanted. She looked down and started crying! My wife had a tendency of bringing out the waterworks if I cornered her on something. I had a soft spot for her tears because no man should ever want to see his wife shed a tear. Its wrong and really kills my spirit but not this time. Her job was bring tension home. I told her also that tears in such a case were blackmail because crying does not solve anything at all.

I told her that this was the last time he brought her home no matter what the occasion was! I will drive at midnight if I had to just to pick her up. She had a car so why was it necessary to be dropped off? We lived five minutes away from Rosebank train station for crying out loud so there was no reason whatsoever she needed to be dropped off. I made this very clear to her that she was making me uncomfortable and this would soon be affecting us! She asked if she could go to the bathroom as she was pressed and I said she could go. I went to the kitchen to finish cooking now that power was back. When I got back I had been charging my phone. I had two smses. One was from Lindiwe and the other was from Khanyi. The one from Khanyi read,

“Hey hey, guess what? I just landed in Jhb when can I come see you! I brought you a whole cookie jar and more!”

That was not very subtle was it! The joke was on her though because I was back in Cape Town.

Lindiwe’s read,
“Whatever happened in Pta stays there. At work we go back to normal where we don’t talk or share jokes! Bye”

I did say she was not normal. I could not help but laugh and shake my head!

****The End****

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Hey Mike

Please share this with your readers as I am in desperate need of advice. I am 27 years #have a good job, educated, I can say I am very stable financially, don’t have kids and I am married, my husband is 45 year old-we have been married for 2 years now. We met when I was in varsity doing my 2nd year and we were so in love and the fact that he doesn’t look his age was a bonus. We were outgoing, taking road trips together, he was just so fun to be around and I knew he adored me.

Please don’t get me wrong- my husband loves me and I love him so much too-BUT he is so controlling and I feel like he is emotionally abusing me.

1) He doesn’t want me to have friends my age “cos he thinks they will be a bad influence to me”, I am not even allowed to see my best friend whom I grew up with “cos he doesn’t understand what we talk about since she is not married”.
2) The type of work that I do require me to travel and that drives him crazy!! He once went to my place of work and told my bosses that he wants a letter every time I leave for work stating how long I will be gone, the name and address of where I’ll be staying, etc. and most people in the office thinks I am in a abusive relationship—
3) We don’t go out anymore!! He will go out with his friends and came back 2 in the morning and I’ll sit at home-count the ceilings and walls, worried about him until he shows up!! I’ve learnt to shut my mouth and don’t ask him the whys, where’s, with whom, etc.
4) He has an ego of an elephant he can’t say the word I am sorry, I was wrong and please forgive me. Every time we fight he would rather remind me of every wrong I ever did than finding a solution to a problem at hand and him admitting he was wrong.
5) He now chooses what I wear!!! He buys me clothes that even my older sister refuses to wear!! I am a jean and tees kind of girl and formal at work and it’s not like I show any skin or wear short things No!! but he said I dress “snaks” and bought me this funny, ugly dresses and when I first saw them I thought he bought them for his older sister shame but ay they were mine.. nearly fainted!!
6) He belittles me every chance he gets!! He looks for those stupid loopholes that he can use against me- like when its weekend and I’ll be so tied and only clean the house maybe and do this and that and maybe tell myself I’ll do the washing the following week or during the week-he will just wash his clothes himself!! Like REALLY!! But if I am doing it he doesn’t help me or anything!! #maybe I am just being paranoid on this one but I don’t like it!!
7) He has two kids, the older one is 3 years younger than me and the younger one is 9 years and believe me guys I don’t have a problem at all with his kids, in fact, I love them but HE IS TURNING ME TO A DEVIL!!! The younger one is the favourite!! And jhoooo ay I never do good when it comes to him!! I have to serve him in a tray, I have to wash his clothes with my hands and not the washing machine, he is just so spoiled-even the TV remote is controlled by him and I’ll just have to smile and watch popays the whole day!! the annoying list is endless!!! #now I am starting not to like that kid!!
8) The sex is not good!!! At all!!! #i once cheated last year but I was so bad at it- ill even apologies for nothing-was just the guilt I guess and just decided to stop.
9) When we fight he always reminds me that that is his house, for him and his kids!! I don’t know how because we married in community of property but wouldn’t want to rub it in his face and bruise his ego that I own half of it!! But that would hurt me—I know when I found him he was stable with the big house, car and staff but I didn’t marry him for what he has, I loved him, and Daaah buy the time I am his age I’ll be having 10 times more than what he has now, my mom worked hard putting me through university and he never bought even a text book for me!!

I have tried talking to him in a nice way possibly about my unhappiness, I have shouted at him , we went for counselling, I have prayed about this, I have fasted BUT still I am fighting a losing battle. I am just tied….I’ve tried leaving him twice already and he will do crazy things like calling me midnight crying, you know those creepy staff that a person does that seems romantic?? Yep!! And the last time I tried to leave he was hospitalised for depression and his family accused me of wanting to kill him and yes I went back!!

I am thinking of getting my own place and move out cos really I am not happy!! And on what grounds do I say I am leaving my marriage on?? He does not cheat , he provides for me , he loves me that what he says AND what do I tell my family?? That I am tired of watching popays the whole day with the kid and that’s why I am leaving?? You know Mike you always say there are some disease that are meant for white people and to my old rural fathers emotional abuse would not do it- I can imagine the way they can look at me when I tell I am emotionally abused!! And besides they always say I married well-my husband is just so respecting and soft towards every one and people always say if there is a fight in our home, I’ll be the course of it because my husband is such an angel!!!! And besides it is not like he does this every day, he is really an angel most times.

Please help me and advise me- tell me the truth if you think I am paranoid, ungrateful, etc. or must I just swallow the stone and pretend like I am happy??


Thank you,

Emotionally drained


81 thoughts on “Memoirs – Chapter Thirty Seven

  1. Haaaa!!! Bra Mike it was too short kanti why?
    Ulayekile u Khanyi…a little too late..
    I think the thing with Lindiwe is gonna go far…forget Bi-sexual!!

  2. Thanks Mike…
    A: Jackie you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You need all the intervention (Allah, Jesus, Ancestors, Al Shebab,…)
    1. You can get your own place (possible purchase the flat in a relative’s name – since you are married in COP) and start the divorce proceedings.
    2. Suck it in and stay with him and hope and pray that he falls ill and dies quickly or is involved in some freak accident and dies and you inherit everything. I know that sounds cruel and inhumane, but there are a lot of married females that are just waiting for the final act of God, coz they have tried everything and anything under the sun to save their marriages.
    Ttjjoohhh, I thought I had problems, hhayi kuthwelwe la emnyango. Good luck Jackie,

  3. Jackie you are not being paranoid that is not healthy marriage. Your husband seems to love you bt it seems like he is jealous and intentionaly frustrating you emotionaly. I think u shud continue praying pray 4 wisdom on hw to handle this sittuation and do continue communicating wif him when u unhappy wif his behaviour also try family intervention. Gud luck

    1. Tjo ausi tts an abuse no matter wht he does or do whn he is smilling at sumtym ke abuse eo, like he treat u like his own property hw greepy is tt sum1 buys u old clothes bcz of his insecurities hae maan. Your educated u cn afford everything u want in life nna I thk u mst take a break frm tt marrieage before u get depresssed too, its nt healthy shem

  4. Lol khanyi save her right!o rata go thuba metse ya batho.jooo lindiwe chick is very crazy shame!I can even imagine her writing that message .Jackie I cn feel your pain baby!dat man is way older than u !I think he think he older he wil control u !sit him dwn n talk to him or tell someone in his family to talk to him!Abuse is nt rite baby!if u feel u cnt take it any long ,move away from”his house” n o seke wa worry gore batho ba reng,ke wena o hwang n khanyi mbau said”women chose to suffer in their fancy prison”.dat is nt home anylong it is prison baby!u dnt even have friends!aowa dat is too much bt yena he kept his friends!

  5. thanks bhut’ Mike. tjo shem Khanyi will have to repack her cookie jar back to Kaapstad.
    @Jackie, cc this a difficult one but you cannot stay miserable in an unhappy relationship. already you resent the child for what his father is allowing. if he really loves you he will not be treating you the way he is. do yourself and favour and be selfish for once meaning do what makes you happy, if leaving him will free you and make you happy then do it cc everyone will just have to get over it including him, his family and yours. if he is hospitalised again for depression he will have to live on anti-depressants and as time goes on he will be just fine. you cannot be a slave to emotional abuse forever or you’ll be one ending up in hospital for depression.

  6. Jackie its the sex babe, I was also in a relationship with a guy 18 yrs older den me and I felt like he wasn’t satisfying me der and he didn’t want to be told anything.. It caused me to be sooo fraustrated and angry all the time. I ended up feeling soo disgusted everytime we had sex and we ended up breaking up..I’m soo happy without him, and as much as I thought I’d miss the financial comfort but now I c I have my own career and by the time I’m his age ill have what he has and maybe more.

  7. A2Q well I’m 25 and involved with a 43 year old. Honestly I get bored sometimes because most of the time I have 2 be 40 and not 4 moment will he ever be 20!
    I guess what I’m trying to say is, ur hubby is from an older generation and they view things differently from us.
    His kids will always come 1st, no doubt and you’ll always have to be
    the bigger person.

    However, Abuse is abuse weather he does it often or not. Don’t for one second make excuses for him. Yes you are his wife but that doesn’t give him the right 2 aliniate you from your friends.
    He doesn’t own you!
    Your family doesn’t have to endure this madness, you have! And they’ll never understand!
    You’re not being paranoid, you’re just violated! Even in marriage you have to have the freedom to be yourslf.
    We don’t marry to divorce! But I think you should find your get away place, don’t let his cheap tactics lure u baq in “his” house again until he hears u out and is willing to make the situation better! Make him understand you can live very well without him just that you’re still there because you care about him.

    1. Nay u sound like a maturead somebody and wt ur saying its a facts and just keep going like tht u can help lot of ppl around the blog

  8. Thanks Mike, I agree with Gogo, your wellbeing comes first. I’m also in a similar situation which I’m planning on leaving and focusing on me for a change. Men aren’t worth the pain and the abuse and the unhappiness the cause. Sometimes u just gotta be selfish.

  9. A and Q
    I get ur point bt always comes down to , wht do u want? U guys r newly weds bt u cheated on the first year of ur marriage, its been 2years bt already u r in misrey…. This is a foundation for disaster u cn try and make it work kodwa.

  10. Yhooo sisi your story is similar to mine, I thought I was overeacting but it seems this is common amongst older men. I’m 30 and my hubby is 45, some of the things you mentioned he does them.. But I always made it a point that I will never live that way, now he is straight. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical, no person who loves you should do that to you. Talk to him and if he does not see his ways then you are better off without him. You are not the child’s slave either, he should discipline his child and you should NEVER be forced to be his slave.. Your family will have to just understand coz you are the one who is suffering mos. Good luck sisi Be strong and take charge of your life….

  11. Jackie I knw exactly what u are going through and to be honest wit u, u knw whr the shoe pitches u and u cn make the final decision. You are very lucky u dnt have kids yet, stepkids cn be a nightmare. Do some soul searching my lady n come to a conclusion. Old men believe if he married a young beautiful mamasita he must control her as if u dnt have a mind of ur own.

  12. mike you jt knw hw 2 make my day..

    jackie you r in abusive relationship n my advice get out…(divorce)tht is not a marriege!

  13. Mara Khanyi ke lehlanya bathong! Hai!

    Q&A Ok sisi you are not being paranoid let alone crazey. Your husband is jealous and losing it every minute. Marriage is supposed to have ups and downs but not such where your other half is a controlling freak. At some point i think he is afraid that maybe another guy out there will see how unhappy you are and sweep you off your feet and leave him hanging.
    Yes you’ve had it enough. If you are going to leave him, please please do not rub that “In Community of Property” card in his face. I mean you are working and surely you can afford to start from the bottom. Leave and leave everything he ever bought for you.
    I am not supporting divorce mara bathong ke lenyalo le byang where otshaba lego phinya mara bathong. Lady your happiness depends on you, if your happiness is not with him, leave. Aksizi ukuthi sithi thandaza ngoba one day he will moer you bese uza saba nokphuma endlin. Phuma kuse manje ushiye kwasani esakhe.
    Women cannot be abused in the name of marriage and love

  14. A to Q
    Jackie dear what you are going through is not healthy at all and i dont think the problem is with you but your husband himself. It will be very important to find out what really happened to his first marriage or between him and the mother of the kids. There is a high possibility that he himself was either in an abusive relationship or he grew up in a abusive home, and man are not like us. They carry this everywhere they go unfortunately. So everytime there is some confrontation the first thing that goes through their minds is that they are under attack and they need to protect or defend themselves. He is either threatened by your success and the fact that you are younger simple tells him tat some men will be looking at you, he has serious issues on him and it`s sad that even after counselling he`s still behaving the same way. He needs help becoz even after leaving him, he will not be well at all until he faces his demons.

  15. That mthobisi is really exasperating that guy just arrived from his trip now all over sudden he wants to discipline his wife. Even though he was unfaithful to his wife whilst he was away rhaaaaa the nerve of that boy.
    Thanks Mike

  16. QnA wow can you imagine the age gap between the both of you guys, it similar to old parent giving raising a teenager and expecting that teenager to relate with them. Your situation is pretty similar, the people he surrounded himself with are probably living the life he imposes onto you. I might not understand the sanctuary of marriage but it seems you went into both without considering other external factors. You have to be true with yourself, and by that i mean, were you ready to be married and commit to someone, or you liked the idea of marrying and the wedding day. I hope you find resolute but it will be better you receive advice from someone who is in a similar situation. Like its been always said, single people don’t have the best advices. In this case non-married people should not have much to say but support you.

  17. Leave this asshole. You are being abused by this bastard. It all begins like this,emotional abuse ill eventually turn into physical abuse. He might even begin to accuse you of things when you eventually get used to his nasty treatments.

    What worries me is that you keep on going back to him although he is treating you like this.YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HELL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!

    HLANOLLA DIRETHE MOSADI. This your husband might end killing you or even worse,you killing him or yourself.

  18. 9c 1 mikey cnt wait 4 da nxt 1
    Q&A, dear I dnt even knw whr to start cz ur marriage n mine are da same bt mine da child is respecfull n listens to me ecpt 4 da controlling fada, I also tryed to many tymz 2 laeve bt I end up going back n I also dnt knw wat to do anymore as my parent don’t bliv in divorce

  19. I’m reading some of the comments made about the QnA, personally I believe some of you are just to immature or rather let me irrational to be considering divorce. If I’m not mistaken a few of you aren’t even married, let alone have a say to pull out the divorce card. The lady also said she’s not perfect, hence she cheated on the guy, there’s a lot more to this on both sides of the story. I agree with one of the comments, about the husband been afraid to lose her, because of the age differences. Marriage unlike dating, you don’t just wake up and decide to break up with a person. Now that would be childish and expose that you went into it for the wrong reasons.

    1. I get it that it would be irrational to just wake up one morning and just pull out th divorce card but in this case th marriage is so unhealthy, that the guy pushed her to infedility, I know its no excuse for her to cheat, but honestly ask yourself if you would stay with someone who belittles you and basically wants to take over ur life without th flexibility to enjoy time out with ur friends at least once in a while.. And I honestly think that its immature to be insecure in a marriage, what’s th point of staying married to someone does not fully trust you simply because of your age.. I’ve never been married and I may not fully understand this whole sanctity of marriage thing but if they dnt get counselling soon to sort out their issues in my opinion divorce would be a very mature decision in this situation.. if it was never meant to be you can’t force it..

    2. I disagree bcos all these people said they hv been there and Papi said his dad used to do the same thing. Another reason I disagree with u is bcos I hv been there too. It’s easy ofr a man who did or is doing the same thing to point a finger. But I’ll tell u one thing, it’s not easy being in a relationship like that. Being yelled at for no reason, being called names and accused of things u don’t knw. And yes Papi is right, it will turn physical the moment he realises he has groomed her enough, bcos tht’s wat happened to me and so many other women in my support group for battered women. Though divorce is an ugly word to many ppl, at this point, it’s her only choice.

  20. Thanks mike….
    QnA,you are smart enough and well educated to see that all of this is wrong in sooo many ways…he’s emotionally abusing you and that might be because he is old and insecure and feels that since you young you might leave him sohim abusing you is a trick to try and bring you down…get out of that marriage before things get worse,you are still young and can manage t restart your life and find someone in your age range proberly

  21. @jackey tell him dat ul file 4 divorce if he don’t change n if he continues divorce de guyy,life Is 2 short 2 stay in an abusive relationshp.

  22. Wow emotionally drained sounds just like me, im going through the same except that we are not married! maybe its the same guy??? Anyway i hope this one is answered as im very unhappy.

  23. Heee hlezi ngifunda ama coments nd I mst say abantu besimame ave bedukisana yerrrr,,only few abakwazi uku consider the rest shuuuuuu I cnt say

  24. Ay Jackie the man has absolutely no RESPECT for you, which is the foundation of any relationship! You are young and need to spend your young life exploring and enjoying it! Plz don’t fall pregnant, just pack and live otherwise you or him will die from this marriage. You are young you can still stay afresh! Good luck sweetheart!

  25. Q n A:Jackie the very same letter that u wrote to mike write to him. Let him read all this. Ur happiness cumz 1st dnt settle 4 less. Life z 2 short 2 b leaving unhappy n uncertain. He tells u wht 2 wear, dat u in his house, goz n embarrasses u @ work! Like real now! dat enough 4 u 2 go n start a life without him. If care wht ppl will say dat u wil 4ever live unhappy, ppl will alwys talk weda u do gud o bad. Clock z ticking

  26. Women suffers in the name of love. I’m not married but please pray hard as God is the foundation of marriage. Talk to him about your problems and ask for family meeting if he doesn’t change. Put tv in your bedroom where you can watch anything you want. I don’t believe in divorce so Jackie do everything in your power to change the situation. All the best dear

  27. Jakie

    What u just mentioned shows u r not paranoid,but are actually being emotionally abused…you see the thing bout abusers is that they manipulate u n the ppl around yo man his alwys polite around ur family n acts all caring n sweet,so that shud u bring up accusations like that against him u ll b seen as the trouble maker…his also making u doubt your self, and it suits him better bcs immediately u start questioning urslf u become even more vulnarable 2 d situation, 1 minutes u think its all in ur head and the next u r certain its not…Personally I wud say move out and run, runnnnnn gal this circle will not stop…n the crying in d middle of d night thng as much as ur compassionate side feels 4 him,I say work on avoiding it…ur colleagues are right u r in an abusive marriage, n well ur family the ll understand eventually or move on frm it….in the end its all bout you Jakie n as 4 his younger child my that brat u ve entertained 4 way 2 long….

  28. Thank you Mike,
    Jackie being married to an older person has all the consequences you mentioned. Your husband feels insecure because you are much younger than him, he thinks the younger guys will take you away from him hence he wants you to look old (buy buying you ugly dresses) & stay @ home. Don’t let this take over your life. Everything you mentioned here has grounds for you to leave if you want to. Stop thing about what people will say & do it for you! Even if you stay, there are people who are talking about you being abused so why worry about them talking after you leave…Its your life don’t let your husband ruin it for you…You are very, very young for all that is happening in your life… All the Best.

  29. Thanks mike. Q@A : yoo here I though I was the only one with a similar problem but mine is I don’t have or being emmotional abused like u Jakie. Your husband will and won’t change and he knows which buttons to push as to control u. Sometimes Love is not enough but happiness must also follow. U are not allowed to grow as a person and believe me u will cheat again ang again because of the situation and that’s not wise at all. What I can advice u is what a friend of mine said ” do what makes Jakie happy and if leaving your marriage is then do it sisi”. Don’t be afraid to be judged because at the end its u who feel the pain not your family or his.

  30. Khanyi ulayekile shame n as 4 Lindiwe usazofuna qubeka n b incontrol of situation……QnA Jackie darling u need to find help n solution while isaqala emotional abuse, trust me he wil nt stop it wil get worse, I know from xperience

  31. Short one. Again,A2Q I’m married n no one will ever treat me that way,so LEAVE,,I said it n I’m going to say it again STOP FIXING PEOPLE

  32. Thanx Bra Mike. Its a gr8 read mjy brother. This guy is in crisis, the guilt will kill him at wotk when he sees Lindiwe and at the lack of trust at home and here comes the sister inlaw with her demands. He is in the centre of trouble. Blessed

  33. Jackie

    Regarding no 1 to 4 personally I would not regard them as strong enough reasons to leave but from 5 to to 9 cha its hard. I am saying this because nami before i two question unfortunately I agree with him, not

  34. Answer to Jackie. Love isn’t supposed to be like that especially marriage!. this man claims that h e loves you but I see the opposite. he is full of himself and doesn’t take you as equal. the bible says when two people are married they become one. but it seems like not so in your case. You are far too young to spend all your life unhappy and frustrated all the time. he doesn’t respect nor appreciate you as his wife. and sucking up to him will only make things worse. Talk to him about all your concerns and continue praying. he is just too controlling. and your parents will never understand if you decide to leave him coz of traditions. but its your life you deserve happiness. it is possible that this man married you (younger than him) so he can control you. id say leave now before it gets too late, emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse. this man doesn’t have confidence and due to that he is trying to break you down. Leave sisi! and he is also a hypocrite as he acts like an angel around your family but treats you like crap. I wish you well. may God give you the strength to survive this.

  35. Sorry for that

    I am saying this because nami before I got married I my job involved travelling so I decided to get an office job because it is not conducive for newly married couples to be on the road all the time and also nabangani its harsh reality that you need to distance yourself from the unmarried ones not drop them as such. It is just common sense. Also even though it is not good not to apologize but kuyenzeka kwemining imishado.

    Inzima imishado sisi especially uma uJehova engekho kuba nzima kakhulu. Do not expect fast answers pray to God ngoba uyabubona ubuhle kumyeni wakho focus on the good and adddress the bad. Le eyama stepchildren nayo iyinkinga, baphi omama bezingane you are not supposed to stay with them so after marriage, how are you supposed to bond, uyadinga ukubhushuzela emzini wakho without izingane. Ungabaleki hlala emzini wakho but pray and continue telling him what you do not like God will hear your prayers.

  36. thank you so much readers for taking your time to read and reply to my letter.
    i am truly grateful to each and every one of you, i know now that i am not crazy or ungrateful but this was my cry for help–i also know that all is up to me now,to decide what i should do..

    this was just the tip of the iceberg anyway,there is alot that is happening in this marriage!!

    thank you again,


  37. A 2 Q: Girl leave that man!! This is your life and you deserve to live it happily and freely!! That man is pathetic and he is taking his insecurities out on you. People might not understand your situation but don’t mind them!! Its your life !!

  38. Great story mike QnA its not gona be easy jackie coz u still want to experienc a lot of things whch mayb he myt hav experiencd in his olden days, if I heared u correctly its not like he dsnt want u to have friends but he prefare u have married friends and its undertstandable coz I mean what really would u guys talk about or xud I say what advice would they give u if dy r not married? From what I hear its not such a big problem that can’t be fixed , mind u u r still young and he finds that challenging n doesn’t trust himself that much as he thinks ul leave him for young men, remember u can’t do anything u want now that u r a married woman , life changes after u get married especially getting married to an old man, I find u selfish at sum point n finds him unreasonable but u can work all this things out , talk more often about ur problems to him coz clearly the man luvs u and am telling u things will change as long as u assure him of ur luv he will understand

  39. Emotional abuse is worse than physical u need to leave before he kills u or make u lose ur job let alone ur self esteem

  40. Q: who said Marriege is easy kodwa. You loved that man enough to marry him. He is now grown and it simply means you must fast track your life to his age. It is up to you to return your happiness. What he is doing is wrong, i fully ugree.

    Show him that you can be matured by Talking to his kids and show them that you can never be thier mother but your role as his your husband’s wife requires them to respect you like their mother.

    Talk to him about his behavior towards your friends. Let them vist you and talk bout anything you want showing respect to your husband. As for clothes gal there are lots of nice clothes/outfits that are not ugly yet show that your a matured young lady(woman in your case). Bare in mind that your setting an axample to his kids.

    Divorce is sometimes not the solution to everything. you might leave him and find another guy that could be worse than him. As for his laundry let him do it cos it makes him sleep at night, chances are if he notices the few changes you make then he will be the man you mat a while ago.

    Organise outings for the 2 of you but stay away from teenage king of outings. Your now a woman and you should start showing that you are a married woman. Be in control of your marriege without him noticing that bosso ke wena.
    Man wants to be let to the rite direction…..

  41. I like what Krizmo said, Jackie next time try and speak to people whom you share the same kind of problems because even married people might mislead you if they do not have the same kind of problems. I will reiterate, imishado inzima especially eyethu thina ndlu emnyama our man have baggages from their childhood which they carry along life. Uma ngingakutshela izimo esiphila under zona ungakhala but sihleli ngoba we trust the good Lord. Ungashiyi umuzi wakho uma ubungamazi uJehova sondela kuye kakhulu and He will help you eventually uma umthemba. Engikwaziyo all retionships have challenges noma ungaphuma kule uzongena kwenye nayo enezinkinga, hlala ndawonye and sort out izinto zakwakho like all women out there.

  42. Jackie, the man you love n married has clearly disappeared and replaced by an emotionally abusive man. When you decided to marry him it was your decision alone, now in this situation it should also be yours too. I understand that you love n respect your family but they not the one’s living in that situation. You young and deciding to be unhappy is something that should not decide on. If you have failed talking to him try his family n if that avenue fails too then leave him n don’t fall for his tricks. You deserve better n he must learn to value your worth as his wife. Remember marriage shouldn’t be the only thing that defines you n don’t lose yourself too in marriage. You too where someone before him

  43. A to Q………. it doesn’t always take or need a married person to can give advice about marital problems C’mon………….. abuse is abuse, period.

    Jackie I have a friend who has been married to a character like yours for 10 years now. she’s been going through the same emotional abuse and the guy is only 2 years older than her.

    don’t be fooled, emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse.

    you must come first, married or not. you can never ever ever put someone’s happiness ahead of yours. the key to your happiness lies with you my dear. you are the only one who knows the truth about what’s really going on in your marriage and the pain is known and felt only by you.

    he has insecurities and he shouldn’t make his insecurities yours but he should rather share them with you and you can help him deal with them.

    blackmailing and making you feel like an invalid is not the way to go.

    sometimes writing down what you feeling and what you going through might just help. put it down on paper, give it to him and see how he responds.

    my friend is finally divorcing after 10 years of compromising herself, feeling sorry for someone who didn’t care about her feelings and fearing what her family and friends would think of her for giving up on such a “supposedly” wonderful man.

    for the first time in 10years, she can breathe, laugh and be herself without fearing that her husband will call her a slut or telling her how she’s embarrassing him by her carefree, full of life and wonderful personality.

    how would he feel if the tables were turned….

    I will not tell you to leave you husband because that is your decision alone to make.. Good luck Jackie

  44. Q&A: He sounds emotionally abusive to me. You should leave him. If it goes on long enough, he’ll take your confidence and self esteem. Also, emotional abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse. I had an emotionally abusive ex who began man handling me and eventually tried to stab me with a box cutter.

    Please don’t let the opinions of others keep you from leaving an abusive, manipulative (him crying on the phone at midnight and having his family call you to guilt you into coming back) man. You deserve happiness, a good man, and good sex 😉 You have the resources to leave this man, utilize them and find happiness.

  45. O qetiwe Ke bofebe Sesi. “m not judging you, but age GAP always matters in a relationship. You shud have dated atleast a guy who is 3 years your senior. 5 years is the maximum. Girls have always been facinated by material onjects and the prospect of a financially stable guy who will be able to take care of them in times of need. This has always been a problem. and difebe tsa kasi ntse dinahana so up until today. DIVORCE that Nikkaaa and get a guy your age. Grow together and adore each other.

  46. Y Jacky my sister, I’m saddened by your story, but I have to say it, situations like these have the ability to confuse one as u have already said yourself, cc the man is abusive, and the sooner u realise that and stop saying I knw he loves me, is the time when u will c him for exactly what he is. This is pure abuse and ppl like him r so clever at what they r doing it fools a lot of ppl, hence your family thinks he is. Saint , love is not selfish, u wudnt be feeling like this if it was love, listen to your heart cos u alone knws what is really going on. I hear u say u have spoken to him and left him twice, leave him again and this time dnt go back, u have your own life to live, he shudnt be living it for u, aze abe mdala kangaka acothele umntwana bekwenzenjani, bekafuna kona loku, u dnt owe him or his children anything, just leave the ungreatful bustard. Or else uzofa umncane ushiye lekhehla lidla amabele nabantwana balo. Khaba lenja maan!

  47. sad very sad. I just wonder if the sex was bad before marriage aswel….the best way he method of teaching him good morals is by moving out, after moving out u will be able to make a choice whether to go back or to move on

  48. Thanks, Mike

    @Jackie, m sure u ‘ve read all the comments, & I sympathize with u, but have you thought about the ways of trying to make this relationship work besides cancelling? site down get a pen and paper, write all the gud moments you guys have on 1 page and on the other page write all the bad things that you encounter. check them all out and see, if the bad things are more than the gud ones then you can have you decision from there, once you get married you don’t become friends with unmarried ppl, you friends should be married ppl and ur best friend should always be your husband, try to work out ur relationship if you still love your husband,

    Change the way you do things, the way you think, make him love you all over again,get you groove back if you don’t do that no one will do it for you. go shopping alone buy few of those dresses you like the most, take him out and wear on of the dresses you bought, love him pay attention to him live in you own world when you with him, I tell you you will have your husband back, and when you having those gud times with him, tell him how u fill about ur marriage make him love spending time with you, just change your mind set.

    Learn to love his kids, sit with them, make conversations ask him to bring them for weekends get to know them, you will see they will love you, take them out without their father just have fun with them, especially the tittle guy, once you give him love, he’ll always be on your side.

    stop thinking about divorce it’s not worth it, coz u can make it work as long as you love your husband, man r like kids, they only need love, attention & a caring woman then they will be all yours.

    All the best honey in this journey.

    1. Well said Sthazie. She needs to trace back her steps and see where it all went wrong and start fixing it rather than thinking Divorce. Sit your husband down and ask him if he wants to see you happy or not and take it from there.

      Best thing would be to involve both his parents and yours in this conversation.

      Good luck


  49. Jackie…..some things are more fathomable when they are wrutten den said. I think u should write him a letter expressing all ur feelings in dat way he’ll get a chance to think about evrything u mention he myt mke up his mind…. Divorce is not an option u r obviously not ready 4 it. Jackie u are both in love cc unfortunately ur man is too insecure…are u sure dat u r not giving him any reason to be like dat except for being yungr? … Abr the sex, u rly shud welcome him to tis century. Communicate wut him during sex, n try oral sex. Explore each adas bodies n its gonna be more enjoyable…. Yes u are im an abusive relationship but believe me it is reversible! Good luck!

  50. QnA :
    Sista get out of the marriage as fast as you can. That man is emotionaly abusive and insecure. The reason you feel like at first he was “the man ” , was because he had to have you knowing that you’re the type of woman he needs in his life. He may provide and play his role properly doesn’t mean he ain’t got inferior complex issues.

  51. Jackie, I think your husband lacks self confidence in as far as you are concerned. He is worried about his age and is now trying to make you feel as bad as he feels about himself. It’s very common actually. I’d advise you to leave this marriage ASAP. The longer you are in it, the more he will feel he owns you and the more he is likely to kill you if you leave him. His react to your first two attempt s to leave him are a little too familiar. You must watch channel 171 (when your stepchild) gives you permission) you will see what I’m talking about. This man is going to kill you one day. Fortunately for you, you have your own money so you can afford to get your own place.

    Write him a letter listing all the things you hate about your marriage. Tell him, in clear terms that if he doesn’t change them you are leaving him. Tell him you are not there to be his children’s slave. These children are old enough to clean, cook etc. Children cannot have more of a say about anything in your own house. Tell him everything and then give him a dead line. If he hasn’t fixed these things by the deadline. Leave. Move to a secure place and never answer his calls again. Then look for a job in another city. Hopefully by the time his anger escalates to murder levels, you will be out of town.

  52. Q&A- CC wonke amarelationship anezinto zawo kanjalo nemishado. I personally would not advise u ukuthi udirvocer, that should be the last resolution. Qhubeka cc uthandaze, zama ukumtshela izinto ezikuphatha kabi nokuthi zingakuleader kuziphi izinqumo. Uyamthanda naye uyakuthanda lokho kukodwa nje kusho lukhulu. Thola umuntu that yena respect ucele azonisiza ngezinkinga eninazo. Okwezingane zama ukumtshela ukuthi uyazithanda but zinenza ningasondelani nina as a couple maybe ningayisa eboarding school. Ingane nje engesiyo eyomshado yikho nje kwasekuqaleni kwakuba ezakomalume, zingavakasha but not nihlale nazo. Cc u know your husband better than we do so zama indlela yokukhuluma naye. Kunama-organisation amafamilies asiza kwakhiwe amakhaya like oMalakhiwe, so uzozwa ngamanye amadoda ukuthi ziyini izinto ezakha nezibhidliza ikhaya. Bezwa kangcono if beboniswa amanye amadoda. Pray & keep on praying. Ungalilahli ithemba ngomshado wakho usangaba ojabulisayo. Zama nawe ukungaphoqi ezinye izinto angazithandi, kuyacompromiswa cause nawe ufuna enze njalo. Okunye umshado ma usemusha nisuke nisafundana naye efuna wazi ukuthi he is the man of the house, with tym kuyadlula konke lokho. Umshado u work on it everyday until ube into ezonijabulisa nobawu2. Jwayelana nomama asebekhulile abaneminyaka bashada uzwe ukuthi yini ebenze bahlala iminyaka engaka. They may be from another generation but indlela ibuzwa kwabaphambili. Ungadukiswa abantu bese uyazisola ekugcineni. Gudluck cc.

  53. QnA
    Interesting story. It made up for the short chapter. Anyways, you are bored and looking for a way out, you married that guy for the wrong reasons. He was probably like that before you tied the knot and you only notice now.

  54. Jackie to me you sound like a very intelligent lady who knows what they want out of life. Yes you’re in a difficult situation but luckily you have brains to get out of it. You asked on what grounds would you be divorcing your husband on? Read all point 1 to 8 above,you’ve your answers. You cannot sacrifise your happiness to fulfil som1 elses.Would you rather have your family coming to visit YOU bcos of depression(bcos this is where its heading to) OR would you rather start on a new page and see what more life has to offer? Good luck dear 🙂

  55. jackie i always believe in the ense that you teach a person how to treat you, by so saying i am just advising you not to settle of anything that is less than exciting in your life cause you still young. i am not saying leave your husband all i am saying show a kid that you are the parnt of the house by changing the channel and taking charge of the house, a bit of return psycho.. change his wardrope to what you figured should be appropriate for your ideal handson husband if he refuses then refuse to wear the clothes he bought and go back to the clothes that make you comfortable lastly if you see its late and his not coming back home visit the friend he despices and tell him that you are not the security of the house to watch over his asset when his having fun trust as a married man myself he will liston this time. remember if you are not happy you can never make anyone else happy

  56. Thanks with other great read Mike.

    Dear Jacky
    I’m just gona be honest with you, your husband is jelouse because he knows you are young and educated and there are many guys out there who will Die to have you.
    I understand that most of the time He is an angel and and everything else but what’s the point of staying in a marriage while you not happy?
    You guys have tried councelling, praying, etc.. Nthing seems to wrk… My advice to be honest..devorce the man and live your LIFE! You are still young, and need to live a little. You will find a guy your age whose not gona tell youwhat to wear and wat not. You need friends girl, everyone does, I think your man need to take a chill pill.. Otherwise he is gona loose you.

  57. 27 AND 45 are too big an age gap my dear, much as we may avoid it it is very true. You are young, vibrant, full of life, still want to live. You probably still wanna get a motor bike, maybe go out clubbing with your gilrs. Sorry love these are the perks of marrying this man. I just like reading the stories here because you actually discover that you are not alone. Same story – different cast. Hahahahhahahaha I like your sense of humor however and I encourage that you keep it because you need it. I just told my mom, I might be a Reeva Steenkamp one day and she was laughing at me. Some days are better than others I know. SO I ACTUALLY DON’t KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU except “The struggle continues” hahhahhahahhaha. I so get you

  58. @ Jackie Nna wont tell you to leave him. Banna kao fela ba tshwana. Go back to therapy if you must. Ska tshaba monna wagago. Face him and tell him of your unhappiness. Be firm whilt at it. Make him listen. Get back the man you fell in love with dear and rapela. Agona ntho e pallwang ke thapelo!

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