I looked at her for a long while. She could see I was staring. I couldn’t help it. Even married men watch porn and it arouses us immensely. Women who take offense at their men watching porn really should be grateful that he is watching it on TV not in front of them as I was. I was incredibly turned on but I bit my bottom lip when I said good morning to her. I walked in and pretended that I could not even see that she was in a state of undress. I asked her if she slept well and when she responded I said awesome and went back upstairs. I was not playing games. It just felt wrong. No in my wife’s house! This was not going to happen. This woman much as I found her attractive had potential to wreck my home and that would not work for me. I loved my wife and I was not going to succumb to the very first sign of temptation that came my way. Females always tell me that there is something really attractive about a young married man. I think I get it though. As a guy when you are single it is so difficult to get a girlfriend. The moment you do however, all the other girls like you. Its like you have a magnate attached to you the way women love you. This includes women who do not even know you have a woman. Maybe you glow I don’t know. When you are married the ring is what makes you safe to talk to. To most women three things happen, one, you are safe to talk to meaning that without realizing it she is willing to get to know you and sit down with you because in her head she cannot foresee you hitting on her. You are like a pregnant woman to a guy, honestly who hit on you in your state? Secondly, there are women who love to flirt and tease married men the remind them that they chose to rush and shackle themselves up to a woman. Especially at the office. There is always that girl who will remind you that you are married even if you are not flirting with her. Again she is not doing it on purpose but what she succeeds in doing is take your moment of pride and eventually make you feel ashamed of it. Thirdly, you ring represents to other women that you are a decent guy and makes them question their own men as to why they don’t step up and do the right. They want to know what makes you so different from other guys. Usually they ask you for advice all the time. The more time you spend with them the more you get to know them.
I went to my room and tried to distract myself with some work but that simply did not work. My mind was bent towards her and going to see what she was doing. eventually I took a shower and told myself I had to be a man and go do what I needed to do. I found sitting on the couch watching the news of all things. She even told me what was going on before I asked. Truth be told my wife never did that. She was happy with Isibaya and Khumbule’khaya. Those are the things that made her happy. At times I watched with her and those were the only times I was allowed to say someone is beautiful who is not her. Those two girls Thandeka and Qondi drove me wild and I think even she realized that she could not stop me from finding someone on TV attractive. It was obvious I would never meet them in my life so she was not threatened. None of her friends looked like them so she felt if that was what I liked I would never look at the rest. It was now or never. I told her that I had to take her to pick up her car as I had places to go. That was a lie. I wanted her gone!
As we drove out she asked me if she had done something wrong. I did not hesitate to tell her that we were not going to happen. I told her that it was wrong and I was married. I wanted to make it clear that there was no future us. She acted confused and said we had only shared one kiss on a drunken night so why was I assuming that something more was going to happen. I was not going to be played for a fool. I gave her an example of her this morning but she said that how could she have known that I would come downstairs? She also asked what was she supposed to wear because she had no other clothes and I had let her sleep in last night clothing. Ok I didn’t have an answer for that. Naturally I had assumed a person making coffee in nothing but a towel was trying to seduce me. I did not apologize though. Men usually don’t apologize. It makes us reek of weakness. She said to me that she was so disappointed that I thought she was that kind of woman who would break up a happy home. This woman just knew how to play with my emotions.
I thought driving her home would be the most satisfactory think I would ever do in my life but to be honest it was not. It was quite underwhelming in fact. I am not saying I was expecting a triumphant return but I just felt my heart sink. They tell you constantly that doing the right thing makes you happy and feel fulfilled, oh well maybe I missed the memo. She joked and teased as though that incident had not happened. She honestly did not seem to give a fuck for lack of a better word. I was the one miserable. I just wished my wife would be here at this moment, to do what I dont know. When I dropped her off I felt like such a loser. She even hugged me. She did not act awkward at all. She got on the phone and some girlfriend of hers was inviting her to the beach. She turned the person down because it seemed to be a couples event. I could not help but wonder if things had happened differently if I would have been invited too. A lot of men would have paid me to be in my position but I had flopped dismally. As I drove on Main Road on the way back to my place every woman I saw just looked attractive. I wanted a woman so badly. Men its true no matter how some may defend themselves think with their dicks. Even our ego is not complete without a woman to acknowledge what a star you are.
When I got home I went to the room in which she had slept. I scrubbed that place clean. I did not want a single misplaced strand of hair that showed she was ever here to remain. How would I explain that to my wife honestly? I never do chores but every guy knows when you are trying to hide evidence you down on your knees and scrub that floor. I decided to call my wife. She was alone at home her parents and some of her relatives had gone to confront the doctor guy about Zimasa, the pregnant girl. Being home alone I figured I could have a bit of fun with my wife. She even acknowledged that she could hear in my voice that I was feeling kinda randy at that moment. I suggested phone sex and at first she laughed it off. She asked me if I was serious and I said yes because it would be fun and stimulating and showed how much I missed my baby.
She responded very sternly,
“You don’t respect me Mxolisi! Why would I have phone sex like I am an uncultured teenager? I am a married woman, your wife so do not treat me as though I am common! Next you will be asking me for oral sex!”
She hung up the phone.
I looked at that phone with what was beyond shock and anger! I even felt ashamed for asking her that. I looked at my ring and rolled it on my finger contemplating taking it off and going out but i remembered what a clutz I am so I would probably lose it.
What had I done wrong?
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto
I have been dating the love of my life for almost 5 years now. In those 5 years, I have always been physically involved with another guy -he found out about 2 of them and forgave me! I love this guy so much and I know, without a doubt, that he loves me too. He is my rock, emotionally, but physically I have never been able to be with him alone; it is always him and one other guy. I can’t stop this physical desire for someone else. I fear that if we ever decide to get married I will not be able to stop this habit of mine, and I also fear that one day he will do the same to me (I know he isn’t cheating at the moment- I just do).
My questions are: Should I be expecting what I think might happen one day, that he will cheat on me too (especially since he forgave my infidelity so easily)? Is this even love or am I just hiding behind the emotional security?