Memoirs – Chapter Fourteen

Posted on Posted in Memoirs of a Tired Black Man

You have to appreciate the irony in what is a man. We are meant to love, protect and take care of our women without fault. Yes now there is this 50\50 business but as a man you should know that you contribute a 90 to that relationship always to make it work and keep her happy! Its more than a duty and obligation once your are married for you have to open your heart and want to do it always in spite of the temptation that throws yourself at your feet. In my marriage I have tried so hard to be that exemplary husband. In everything else I have succeeded but here is the twist, in spite of how many mountains I have moved to be with my wife and give her a palace and responsible husband, it is on this one thing I will always be judged on! When you cheat and even if you are forgiven for it, you will always be part of “all men cheat” category making you common and just like the rest of the trash out there!

I had to eat the food. Imagine I did not even trust my wife! That was the longest meal I ever ate. The guilt and the tenseness in me just made it worse. It is a wonder why men cheat in all honesty because usually your life itself is in your wives hands. She just sat there and stared at me. When I was done she took my plate and washed it. I said thank you for the food and she ignored me. She picked up the broken pieces of her phone and then walked upstairs without a word. You know when you have hurt someone you want to give them five minutes away from you so they can breathe. That was me. I waited five minutes and followed her up only to find my pyjamas had been folded nicely and placed outside the door. At least she did not throw them out. Marriage is not like dating. When you have a fight you don’t get to go home to your mother. At most if you are lucky me to have a sizable house you get kicked out into the spare bedroom. Now imagine what you would do if you were renting a one roomed house! I knocked and the door and begged her to let me in but she ignored me totally. It was a lost cause. I knew trying tomorrow was my best bet. I went downstairs to the guest bedroom that Khanyi had slept in. It was actually awkward now I admit! I didn’t sleep well at all. I was very disturbed by this turn of events. A lot of people believe that the greatest thing you have in marriage is time. You are married right so you sweep it under the table and discuss it another day. Women especially think that if a marriage is meant to be then it will be forgetting that the temptation is actually greater for a man once the boredom of marriage sets in! It is not like I was not trying to improve things, I was but look where it was getting me! Sleeping in the side room in my own house!

I am not sure if I dreamt at all that night but at some point I fell asleep. In the morning I felt someone behind me. It was my wife. She had followed me at some point, I don’t know when and slept with me. For better or worse right! I did not feel triumphant no, more like a loser. She did love me just that she did things differently. This does not mean that I had forgotten about our discussion last night. Things needed to change! I did not want to get old before my time and at this rate I was aging fast! In the morning I got ready for work. I am not a breakfast person and I know someone said it is the biggest meal of the day but for me well, its not! The weekend had been too hectic for me meaning that I had not gotten the usual rest I often do. This was going to be a long week.

My wife was cold to me for a day or two more but by Wednesday she was talking to me again. Things were already back to normal. It was as though we never had that conversation and that really made me mad. She told me that she had plans with the girls for the upcoming weekend. There was some woman conference which Khanyi had organized them tickets for. That was fine by me and it meant she was active. What was I going to do about Khanyi though? I honestly could not stop thinking amount her under that towel. I know in my mind I had I had done the right thing by walking away but my body wanted her badly. At times I found myself day dreaming about her and once or twice I felt like calling her! I was going to fight this craving I had for her. There is this massive appeal for having a side dish! I know women will never understand when I say this but a side dish really is a stress reliever. Its not a justification it just how I see things. If only men could keep their emotions in check I am certain marriage counsellors would by now be recommending getting one. Even the guys at work the ones who are cheating on their wives seem to be happier than us who stick to honesty, loyalty and our vows.

I was totally bored in this marriage! How do you tell your wife that? She was not to eager to do things and whilst I had so much love in my heart for her I was bored. Traditionally men are more active than women. We are busy beings and always have something up our sleeves be it good or bad. Now imagine having to take that extra abundant energy and doing nothing with it. We get restless. Every time my wife and I spoke I could feel myself want to snap. It is amazing how lack of sex can make us agitated as guys. Women often tell us that sex is not everything when they have never lived in a man’s body for one day. When you go to work you start fantasizing about people you don’t even consider potential partners. It is crazy. I try and be professional always but when you are married and something is not right in the sheets at home it will definitely show at work.

On Thursday evening when my wife was surfing the net I got an sms. It was from Khanyi. It read,

“I am by 7eleven on Main Road. Let’s meet there I have something I want to discuss with you!”

I did not even hesitate. I told my wife I had to go pick up something at the office I will be back shortly.

She just nodded her head and said ok.

Resistance had fallen!

****The End****

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Dear Mike

I must admit the things you talk about really happen in my relationship. I grew up conservatively and in the church. When I got married I found that there were a lot of things I could not do in the bedroom either because they were too kinky for me so they looked unholy or because I just felt they disrespected me as a woman. My husband would try almost every night to talk me into doing naughty things but I could not even stomach sex in the car so you can imagine. He was very miserable when it came to sex and our relationship suffered. I made an effort to try learn a few things from the internet and so on but already am 35 now so you can imagine the strain on my conscience. He is so unhappy and hardly initiates sex anymore. We are like a professional couple now. Conversation is about kids, work, gossip and not much else. I am certain we are on the verge of divorce and if he has not cheated already he is or will be soon. I have lost faith in the marriage yet I love him and I know he loves me. What do I do? Do I just become a pornstar overnight? We have two kids and we leave far from relatives so they can’t even go away for me to have privacy and try. I am really stuck here! Are there any women who have experienced this and how did you turn it around.

Thank You


70 thoughts on “Memoirs – Chapter Fourteen

  1. Samu nna i dont have a fav anymore, i just loooove these blogs. Each gives a different perspective about different subjects. The way Mike does his research on all his books is quiet impressive as well.
    @Mike any luck with finding an editor? That’s the only thing acording to me that still requires work

  2. thanks mike loving e book

    QA they say in bed you should be a whore do things ud never thought ud do take a drive with hubby park somewhere and have sex in the car otherwise he will find someone who will do it with him BE WILD send a naughty text at work just show him you havent lost it

  3. Good one mike..khanyi mara thts y I only hve one frnd gals will tke ur man smiling..AtoQ you need to up ur game my dear,tke ur kids to thr grandma or sumthing…pratice makes perfct vele on the first day u won’t get everything right bt mke time to try,keep chcking the net on hw sumthings are done.Goodluck

  4. Huuuu Mike these things that you’re talking about really do happen in marriages. Well “Divirce” my dear I grew up in church too and so did my husband, I also found sex irritating and didn’t always wanna do naughty staff with my husband, a year in to our marriage I could see how unhappy he was in the bedroom and I decided to allow him to try kinky staff with me to spice up our marriage. You don’t have to go overboard and do things that makes you uncomfortable but try initiating sex, play with him and try new staff together. I’m not an experienced person sexually but with my man I act experienced and the three years I’ve bEen married are so wonderful and both can’t wait to just get home from work daily. You can even ask Mamoruti at church how to keep your man happy and she will tell you not to be a corpse in bed.

  5. AtoQ

    talk to your hubby cc, don let your marriage go to the dogs. tel him u r aware of wht d problem is n u want 2 du something about it but u need his help.

  6. Q & A It means a lot that you are willing to try give urself credit for that but keep working at it…but all will be in vain if you do not actually communicate with your man ask him what he expects for you bcoz assumptions arent healthy

  7. Q&A: There is nothing unholy about sex. That is one of the most beautifulest things that God created for husband and wives to enjoy. U need to get that mentality out of your mind. Start to take charge before someone else beats u to it. I flirt with my husband and send him sexy pictures…we text each other about sex and the things that we want2do to each other and what we like. By the time he gets home we don’t even need2discuss it we just gt down 2action!!! Pray for ur marriage and that includes your sexlife t00! I pray for mine! I’m married I feel its a blessing 4rm God and I ask him to help me maintain it

  8. great read mike,i luk forward 2 reading ur work evrymrning! A2Q Divorce its great dt u wna learn new stuff,in bed 2keep ur husband happy!i suggest u speak 2him nd ask him wt he expects of u,tel hm evrythng uv jst told uS nd work frm der send da kids fo a weekend away 2 relatives or hire a nanny book away nd try sumthng browse da internet sumore nd watch loads of video’s ul b olryt lurv! #jst tel ur Godly Concious dt “im doing dis 2keep my spouse happy so dat i can be happy nd we all be happy as a family” nd trust me God wil not hold it against u snc in hz ur husband nd ur only Godly spouse”

  9. Im so scared of my person giving into temptation 🙁

    to answer the Q : you can start by getting to know your body, what to like and what you don’t like. you can also look at buying sexy underwear and lingerie to spice things up. watching movies also helps. you can even watch them with hubby, im certain he will get excited. read romantic/erotic novels, look for tips that you can manage on the internet. babes there’s still hope as long as you are willing to take the necessary steps 🙂 good luck and have fun

  10. A2Q: my sista u ready need to save your marriage as in yesterday, otherwise there’s another Khanyi out there who’s ready and able. Send your kinds away over the long weekend and do something romantic and kinky for your hubby

  11. Thanks Mike, I see temptation in all of this.

    A2Q. Its a good thing that you want to change things especially when it comes to your sex life. One thing I can recommend is the books 50 shades of Grey that might change your outlook on things completely.

  12. Great read

    Sisters u nid to go out with yo boo if relatives r far or just tyk em to a vrnd’s place for just 1 nyt if they still too young.communicate with hubby ask him wat he wants cz u myt browse the net and do stuff that hz not keen on.during vacations tyk kids to grandma n ride on it girl 🙂 goodluck 🙂

  13. Khanyi ke mogwanthi thle bathong… Q&A I think you used a have a conversation with your hubby and tell him your problem so that he can teach you want he likes and you can learn. When he is just sitting just climb on top of him and start kissing him and ride him or give him doggy position most man love that and you and him can always take a day off when the kids are at school and do your thing and buy sexy lingerie and google sex positions and watch porn together

  14. Wow uve blown me away again Mike….I simply love all ur blogs/work….U r really a skilled writer….keep up the good work!!!!!! Blessed day further…xoxoxo

  15. Great one Mike big thanks
    Q&A talk to your hubby about how you really feel dear and ask him to teach you now that you’re willing to learn. Watch porns with him, start wearing sexy things at home, read romantic books and magazines, Internet helps too! Be initiative and most of all communicate in bed that way you guys can feel comfy

  16. i have fallen head over heels with this blog,its really out shines all the others and im learning tons, Thank You Mike..

    A2Q: Firstly my lady i am not married but what i think you should do is be comfortable 1st with u and ur husbands sesuality, but that is something that u should have felt long before u got married.. i get u are a christian and u feel ashamed and dirty but hunny in the face of the Lord u are doin nothing wrong, sex is for married people after all, u wont be doin anything sinful. This guy is ur hubby, he should be ur bestfriend in bed too, guys have soooo meny fantasies and if he doesnt tell u about them or try them with u then u are pushing him to try them else where (cheating) and u know the infections he can bring back home amoungst other things… Sex is a beautiful thing that is ment to be shared by married people, let ur husband in just for one night 1st, let him do all the things he wishes he could do to u,take a nice shower togethr 1st give him a powerful massage(naked), kiss him on his back everywhere. When u exchanged those vows his body became urs 100% so use it to ur advantage, go down on him( if ur not naught and kinky for him, some1 else will be) let him do the same to u, u can watch videos online togethr and get a few idea there even, believe me its fun and it will bring u closer than ever. oh and buy sex lingerie too, lol….. good luck, one step @ a time and so what if ur 35, ppssshh..

  17. Hi Mike…please update Confession….I’m so craving for it

    Q2: This is a problem, your husband loves you so much and if he does cheat its not that he loves that other woman..its only the sex that his not getting from home. Married woman should stop being a professional couple to their husbands…you can be a pornstar for your husband and you still a good mother to your kids…so girl go ahead and give him what he wants and you will see how must change it will do… this blog Mike writes should give you an idea of what man think and thats sex…

  18. Divorce….divorce u can still save ur marriage,evn with the kids around u cn get kinky…if u stay in jozi there is SEXPO evry year I suggest u attend it,its fun u and your husband can go 2gther,see a sex-therapist as well…be a lady on the street but a freak in the sheet,men are controlled by the cookie,he won’t be miserable if u try and please him,remember sex is not just about the man’s satisfaction but urs too,u will feel good,much lighter and its relieves a lot of stress and body tension…try it @ least twice a week,don’t be predictable…think of it as holy sex coz ur doing it wit ur husband!communication is also very important!

  19. Divorced you need to fight for your marriage.i had the same problem once but i started attending sexologist sessions with my friends and they helped a lot.if you live around jhb give this lady a ring082 333 0255.she is great and she will be able to help you unlock you sensuality.she also sells beautiful lingerie and some gadgets.the kids, send them to your parents during holidays.once ib a while let them have sllepover with their friends and you can walk naked in the house.good luck cc.

  20. i love love love this blog!!!!

    Sweetie, first of all sex with ur hubby is not only for the bedroom or at night. when he comes home today. kiss him like your life depends on it. suprise him with the kiss and tell him that u love him. then walk away. make dinner, cuddle in front of the sofa and then put kids to bed, and have time with him, u can ask him to give u a massage or u do that on him. start small and build up and do one thing everyday that you had not done before. try walking naked in your house, give him something to look at, hes ur man mos. build up to other things like visiting a sex shop and buying a tape to watch together. as you keep doing it u will be more comfortable with it and just let yourself go. there is no ryt or wrong way to be intimite with ur patner. i have two kids, 3 and 8months but even during their 10 munites nap we sneak a quicky. Good luck dear. its up to us to keep things hot in our marriages, cos no man will listen to another telling them how to make things interesting with their wives. Just be open to new things, and kiss everyday, long, passionate kisses, all the time, morning, noon before bed, sms him and tell him how u feel when he kisses u. u dont have to know how to do kinky stuff ryt away start with the small things and hel appreciate the effort.

  21. Answer: my dear its a good thing that u want to try…sit down with ur husband as in 2day tell him everything that u just told us…
    Then both of you shud try to come up with solutions…and make this work

  22. A2Q: If ur marriage has been like this for some time, im not sure u have time to be learning ur body and talking. u have been surfing the net already, Cego is right now its time to act and resuscitate ur marriage.

    Take the kids to a friend’s place, grab your husband, push him onto a steadiest table you have, and let the postman ring twice!

    It doesn’t matter if u don’t get it right the first time but u need to shock him back to life, he’ll take the bait and realize what u r trying to do.
    Once that’s done, it wont be so difficult cos from then on ull be on the same wavelength and working together, lines of communication wud have been opened then u can talk and learn about your bodies.

  23. Kwaaaaaa kicked out into the spare room. Ku rough! Khanyi ene nje!? Nxaaa

    Divorce, I went for counselling with my hubby’s church leader last week. Well both of us went.we didn’t go for sexual issues. It was something else but his advice to us could help u too. He said in a marriage people forget to do the easiest thing to do, which is to talk to each other. Don’t assume what ur husband thinks or feels, he shouldn’t either – sit down and talk.

    Sex is a very important aspect of a marriage. It bring intimacy and closeness. U do not have to turn into a porn star, the both of you have to discuss what you both feel comfy with. He should be able to communicate what his sexual needs are without manipulating or blackmailing you into giving things you aren’t comfy with. And you have to make an effort to meet your hubby’s needs without becoming resentful of what you give him. sex shouldn’t be a job or a chore. It should be fun and it can be without turning into porn stars. Bottom line, communicate.

  24. Thanks Mikeeesto, always a blessing from above these chapters.
    I do not know why u call urself divorce or why u even considering that nonsense because u don’t want to bend over. I’m going to be brutally honest with u, sex is not what church makes it seem. Men are machines, we need pleasure in all sorts and forms and if it aint oral, it aint worth my time. Who wants to spend the rest of their life doing missionary? Hayi sisi khobe serious tu and give that man a full service. I tell ma woman all the time, sex is about us satisfying one another, that’s why I will make sure she has cum plenty before I blow, that’s why she knows when I need a good fuck or when I need to make love. If u think kids are a good enough excuse, u might as well be in court filing those divorce papers.

  25. Wooow top 50!!!! Eia, eia, feels so great to be right up there with all the counted in ones!!! LMFO – laugh my face off!! Crazy stuff, but what can I say.

  26. A to Q: I would say read 50 shades of grey, but it will probably scare you, and ubaleke ngenyawo zombili. But on a serious note, you need to make the extra effort, read spicey raunchy books to know what other people do out there. Hire a movie with a bit of sex in it, but not straight porn (there are things in there which I could never do, not even if you paid me). Make the effort, have a few glasses of wine or ciders just to loosen you up if you feel too scared, but give your guy the whole package or else uzothola abazomgibela baze bamfulathele!!! (mmmhmmh) Talk, touch each other up there, down there – anywhere just to know how your bodies respond to stimulation. Don’t be in a rush for penetration, explore each other’s bodies, just be free in your own skin, but mostly have fun and multiple orgasms.

  27. On a serious note now! Mike this blog is mind blowing. I’m sitting here & thinking what the …did I do to my marriage. The poor guy must have been out of his mind with boredom & I smugly though that this is marriage. He did try to tell me things could be different but I was too ‘thick’ to understand. No wonder culturally women used to be given classes before getting married, it was meant for exactly these kinds of situations.

    Dearest at least u r 35 soon your body hormones will help you loosen up but in the meantime try to do things differently, read up, surf, consult, do whatever for your marriage. The Word does say of marriage, each must give up their body for the pleasure of the other and give it willingly as the other requires it. Get a nanny/babysitter to look after the kids & have weekend dates away from home with your hubby, a new atmosphere sometimes inspires one. Pretend u like doing some of the things & eventually you will get the hang of it. Thanks to Jesus our good Lord looks more into our hearts than our actions so don’t let ‘unholy’ actions be the reason to hang back. U r in ‘holy matrimony’ so what u do inside that cannot be wrong. The rest of the unmarried actors r the ones doing unholy things, sorry unmarried guys & gals, not my words but according to the Word we are breaking His law.

  28. Q. Sweety sex is the most wonderful gift ever given to two people by God to enjoy in their marriage. You are now legal, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a bit kinky with your hubby. I hav kids and I live with my mother i law to top it all off but honey that does not stop me and my husband from having fun. The bedroom is your sanctuary when you have kids and other things keeping you busy. When you are in your bedroom you are in a little heaven and magic should happen. Entice your man, when you finish showering in the evening, walk naked in your room, hell just sneak into bed butt naked. You guys are one now so there is no “unholy” la. Girl don’t be unfair to him and lead him into the temptation of looking outside becase you are too conserved. It will take some time but it is not late for you at all, but firstly before you do everything we reccomend, find out what your hubby enjoys the most and then start slowly. You are gonna spend your entire life with this man and he is the one person who will know you even better than the woman who gave birth to you so it will also cause strain to you not to be able to please him. Its a good thing yo wanna work on it. remember, your bedroom is heaven. Wake him up in the middle of night just by carrassing him, kissing his back, he is yours so dont mind exploring his body with your hands, do it subtly and you must also get into it. My mother in law and my kids take up a lot of my time and effort but the bedroom is all mine. Honey stand up and save your marriage

  29. Has any one of the complainers, about editorial content, thought for one minute that the time spent on doing it will slow the whole blogging down cause it WILL take time. I read the complainants’ own writing & it is not up to scratch. U yourselves can hardly find the time to edit your comments yet you expect Mike to hold down a full time job, write daily blogs for you on a number of story lines & all must be editorially perfect. Who is going to pay for the editorial work. All I ever hear is ‘thanks Mike’ no one ever says ‘where can we pay for your lovely blogs Mike?’. It’s all about ‘me, me’ & never about we are very blessed to even be allowed to read Mike’s material for Mahala nogal. Can people please stop complaining and just be thankful asseblief tog!!! Do the editing yourself if you want a perfect read, most of us are happy with the status quo! Jong!!!

  30. Gal, u heard it: ‘Take the kids to a friend’s place. Grab ur husband and push him onto a steadiest table u have. And let the postman ring twice!!’
    The thing is u can read about this 1000 times, but not even 1 of those time will have the same result as trying it once. And since ur husband is no longer initiating things, it’s all up to you. U don’t have to be a porn star, but u do need to act on this. It doesn’t even have to be big, but it has to be out of the ordinary, something you wouldn’t normally do. He might be shocked, but he will definitely be curious. And that will open lines of communication and with 50 shades of grey in a week ull probably be running ur own brothel and ur husband will be smiling like a cat that ate the canary!

  31. Thanks Mike. Q2A: all I can say is read this book and you will fully understand what you doing to your marriage. Take it 1 step at a time and ENJOY. You are missing out on something beautiful,trust us,your man is dying to please you and you pushing him away.Sex isn’t only about you pleasing him but he’ll be pleasing you as well. Its your duty to be kinky in bed (its in the bible) and pls do listen to Jackzorro

  32. Well I guess I will act the same way if I was in ur shoes , with a wife like that it opens door for their husbands to cheat , not that I’m condoning it but no one likes to live like that even wives who got boring husbands, they also cheat. Nice book mike I’m enjoying it.

  33. A2Q hey dear. Sex is not only abt multyplying but its abt connecting with ur partner sexualy as well and if u witholding then it means u both dnt know each other sexualy. Smtimes let that wild beast in u loose, blv me we all hav dat u only hav to find it. Sex is so beutiful and u must enjoy it dear. If its hard 4 u. Try a glass of 2 of wine and c how dat goes.

  34. Thanks Mike, you are the best
    Q&A it is said * every man needs a hoe in his bed* Your bedroom should never be a holy place. Up your game sis

  35. @ Jackzorro…lmklaaaaaaa….lmao…. Lmimfp….Eish u naughty little devil!!!!!!! U certainly know how to blow ur own horn hey lol…..

  36. Divorce my darling,get that term out of ur mind. I’ve got a 3 and 6 year old, and believe me, our children consumes so much of our time, by the time u hit ur bed u are too exhausted to even think of ur wifely duties. On Saturday night the kids were asleep and, I put on a dressy and got into the car.I texted him and told him to come help quickly. Was he shocked when he got into the car, me with see through ligerie, hooker heels(which are not practical anymore when u running after kids) and a sexy smile. He touched my face and told me u have no idea how much the effort means to him. I have to say 15 years later its not that much fun to shagg in the car, knees being bruised and trying to move around in that confined space. We had such a laugh at the discomfort of trying to think out of the box,he carried me into the room and we had a ball of a time exploring each other again. Baby steps chomma, slap him with a lingering kiss when he gets home, smile and walk will see what effect ur EFFORT has on him.

  37. Thank you Mr Maphoto.
    to divorce.
    there is absolutely no reason you two might divorce unless sex is not the only problem geez.
    My say is woman dont try be something in bed that you not. if you’re as stiff as a robot be that and leave him hanging. He will survive, he has done so all these years.

  38. Hey Mike,I love all your blogs,keep it up man.
    A2Q.. Mem you need to work on your sex life,it’s a very important thing…m not married bt m dating a married guy, n i know how a guy who’s not satisfied sexually by his wife is.The sad about your situation is that all the things that u not doing with yo hubby someone else is doing them for you..just try your best mem,read books,watch tv,do all u can. your man daznt want to cheat trust me bt you’ll force him to it…gudluck

  39. They say u must be a lady but be a whor… In de shouldnt be boring try kinky staff with ur man buy sexy lingerie believe me sex is very important in marriage enjoy ur man loosen up tell him u r willing to try new things four play is the best.u can enjo each other still with kids around.

  40. Q&A
    It is all in your hands now. Trust me, your man does not even want you to hang on to windows and stuff right now, he just wants to know that he is needed and that he is all you want. He feels sexually rejected and you know how sensitive men’s egos are. Take baby steps. Buy lingerie and take a picture and say I bought this for you to take off. Just that little gesture will make him go crazy!! Drink some wine and be open to the idea of him teaching you what he would like you to do. DRINK 2 glasses of wine!!!! It will help you. Just 2, you will lose all your inhibitions. Just send him a text and tell him that your body misses his body hle! Another thing, go to abogogo at church, they will tell you that you better not deprive your man. My mom is part of the gogo’s prayer group and when my sister was about to get married they invited her to one of their services and told her that she must leave her work headaches outside of the door and she mustnt wear a night dress to bed. Lol! Im just showing you that Sex in its entirety is holy especially when done in the sanctity of marriage. And once you let him go down on you, Sisi, you will never look back. Trust yourself!

  41. My dear believe I grew up like u worse in the rural erea. When I met my partner I really struggle with bedroom staff but what helped me is that I love reading even when I was growing up I wound read n know how things are done. And if you spend time with other Christian married women you would learn one or two thing. He now say Yho babe if you had more experience ngabe usuyangihlula embhedeni. They do say that to keep a man you must cook in the kitchen n bedroom.

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