I married young because I believed in marriage. When most of my friends chose to gallivant and have a good time with so many girls most of whom I knew I chose the high road and straight and narrow. I grew up believing the most important thing in life is family and everything else will fall in place. The poorest man financially can be the happiest man at home if he married the right supportive wife at home. Vice versa the richest man can be the saddest and poorest soul of he married the wrong woman. It is as simple as that. Would I encourage my friends to get married even with all that I was going through, yes I would! Why? Because the greatest foundation to a man is family. When I took my together forever vows I had meant it. I did not do it to look pretty, sound noble or show that I have money. I did it because Asthandile was the love of my life. I had loved her for so long even at a time when did not even know I existed yet we saw each other every day. That’s how pure and genuine my feelings for her where. I never claimed to be a saint and a perfect man mind you but on this one I mean wholeheartedly and I will say before man and before God, I love my wife!
With that said I sat there stunned for I had just rejected another woman who was willing to rock my world and stuck to my frigid sometimes cold wife. Yes I know I did not deserve a reward nor expect one for I was wrong in the first place but surely this could not be it. My wife always thought things like porn, phone sex etc were immoral. It’s not that I did not know it but a man has to try. This is not uncommon for many a man can testify. It is what I call Pretty Girl Syndrome. Ask any man and they will tell you that when you date a beautiful woman there is a lot that she will not do be it in bed or in public even when not sexual. Beautiful women are used to being put on pedestals by us men so she gets to say no to almost everything knowing that the man will still follow her. She genuinely believes she shits chocolate. That reminds me of university in fact. This song by Andre 300 which says “I know you like to think that your shit don’t smell” which we would sink to his ex every time she passed by. Yeah I know it was mean but this girl slept with a mirror I am almost certain of it. That’s how beautiful yet vein she was. I once had the discussion with guys back in university where one of my friend was dating a stunning librarian from campus. Obviously as his boys we were fascinated by it immensely. He broke up with her after a few weeks and we were perplexed. He is the one who coined the Pretty Girl Syndrome (PGS) for us. He told us that even asking her to cook was insulting her beauty. At the time I obviously did not fully understand him but with time and Asthandile I knew exactly what he meant. It is wrong to compare exes but when you are married and no matter how much in love you are, as a man you always ask yourself “what if” referring to what if you made the right choice. It is not always bad. At times you will be thanking God for all unanswered prayers when he denied you all the other women you prayed for and wanted but instead led you to the feet of the most amazing woman. Asthandile was my woman.
I decided to go visit some friends of mine. This being Cape Town I had quite a few. I had schooled here and a lot of people from Mdantsane where here too both employed and unemployed. One of my friends, Lwando was a doctor and he lived nearby. When I got there he was with some of his friends that I had never met. If men are not discussing sports and politics we are discussing women. Its only small boys that discuss cars. Here the topic was women. As the only married person there the guys were on my case immediately. I was considered an authority on the topic. One of his friends a doctor too, Oliver was looking to propose. Problem is he had only been dating the girl for a year. According to the guys she had pushed for the marriage so the question became whether she was doing for love or for money? Most men, myself included to certain extent, think about money and notice when we date. What does she want? Me or my money? There are a lot of gold diggers out there. Have you ever walked into a mall and seen the most beautiful woman on the arm of the ugliest man ever? Its rare true but on such occasion make an effort to follow them out and see what the man drives! More often than not his car can buy your house! They wanted me to advise him against but on the basis on what it would do to his sex life, his happiness and most importantly to how he saw love! I tried to decline but the guys nagged until I told him that he should go for it if she makes him happy but it will not be exactly the same now compared to after the wedding. All the boys started laughing each putting a snide comment of the things he would lose from money to sex etc. Women get this please in spite of your pride and stubbornness to hear reason, men fear marriage because they fear they lose a lot of their self and being! The most beautiful thing in a man’s heart is freedom and not love. The debate raged on for hours and eventually I left. They were still arguing even then. I could not handle. I missed my wife.
When I picked her up she was very cheerful. It was like that phone sex misunderstanding never happened. She told me everything about her trip. To be fair it was really boring but good husbands listen so I listened. Nothing irritates a woman more than a man who does not listen! That’s like a cardinal sin. When my turn came to tell her about my weekend I told her that I did nothing just worked and slept.
My wife was good at pretending that something did not happen! She would pick the most menial topics to avoid an issue. Like her I believed that she must pick her battles well. This was worthy of a fight so I was not letting it go! Come to think of it, men and women fight on different things and shallow as it might sound, sex is something we would fight for. I just felt pathetic saying that.
She made it clear that she would not be doing phone sex. She argued that how could she have done in her mother’s home that would have been disrespectful for one. Maybe I am weak but I kind of understood that argument. Imagine sitting in your sitting room talking dirty on the phone looking at a big portrait of your parents wedding in front of you. I told her though that it was not good enough!
Then I brought up oral sex! She was so disgusted she even stood up and went to the kitchen! I followed her. She said that was only for prostitutes she cannot do that. She even brought God into the argument and said He would not approve! I was so annoyed at this part! Like really? I swear I wanted to strangle her (figuratively) at this moment. This woman was insane! I walked out and sat by the pool. I needed to cool myself down but I didn’t calculate that this would have agitated her too!
She followed me out, stood in front of me and said,
“Men only want to try out new things with their wives after someone else has shown them new things? Are you cheating on me and now want to try it out on me?”
This was my together forever standing in front of me and she had unwittingly just said we would never try anything new in our marriage because it would mean I was up to something!
Welcome to my marriage!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto
I have been dating the same guy for 5 years and I am from Jhb. In that time I have cheated three times but all times far away with guys I will never meet again. One time it was when I was in Dbn on a girls trip away with a Zulu guy who was cousins to one of the girls we went with. This was about two years into the relationship. The problem is recently I went to visit my boyfriend (whom his brothers and sisters told me he is going to propose soon mind you) and guess what, the guy I slept with in Durban was in the cubicle next to his at work. He even remembered me and greeted me by name. My boyfriend obviously asked in front of us both how we know each other. It was awkward. I am scared that he will tell my soon to be fiancé the truth. What should I do? Should I confess everything, warn my one night stand or live in fear that one day it will happen?