Memoirs – Chapter Eleven

Posted on Posted in Memoirs of a Tired Black Man

I married young because I believed in marriage. When most of my friends chose to gallivant and have a good time with so many girls most of whom I knew I chose the high road and straight and narrow. I grew up believing the most important thing in life is family and everything else will fall in place. The poorest man financially can be the happiest man at home if he married the right supportive wife at home. Vice versa the richest man can be the saddest and poorest soul of he married the wrong woman. It is as simple as that. Would I encourage my friends to get married even with all that I was going through, yes I would! Why? Because the greatest foundation to a man is family. When I took my together forever vows I had meant it. I did not do it to look pretty, sound noble or show that I have money. I did it because Asthandile was the love of my life. I had loved her for so long even at a time when did not even know I existed yet we saw each other every day. That’s how pure and genuine my feelings for her where. I never claimed to be a saint and a perfect man mind you but on this one I mean wholeheartedly and I will say before man and before God, I love my wife!

With that said I sat there stunned for I had just rejected another woman who was willing to rock my world and stuck to my frigid sometimes cold wife. Yes I know I did not deserve a reward nor expect one for I was wrong in the first place but surely this could not be it. My wife always thought things like porn, phone sex etc were immoral. It’s not that I did not know it but a man has to try. This is not uncommon for many a man can testify. It is what I call Pretty Girl Syndrome. Ask any man and they will tell you that when you date a beautiful woman there is a lot that she will not do be it in bed or in public even when not sexual. Beautiful women are used to being put on pedestals by us men so she gets to say no to almost everything knowing that the man will still follow her. She genuinely believes she shits chocolate. That reminds me of university in fact. This song by Andre 300 which says “I know you like to think that your shit don’t smell” which we would sink to his ex every time she passed by. Yeah I know it was mean but this girl slept with a mirror I am almost certain of it. That’s how beautiful yet vein she was. I once had the discussion with guys back in university where one of my friend was dating a stunning librarian from campus. Obviously as his boys we were fascinated by it immensely. He broke up with her after a few weeks and we were perplexed. He is the one who coined the Pretty Girl Syndrome (PGS) for us. He told us that even asking her to cook was insulting her beauty. At the time I obviously did not fully understand him but with time and Asthandile I knew exactly what he meant. It is wrong to compare exes but when you are married and no matter how much in love you are, as a man you always ask yourself “what if” referring to what if you made the right choice. It is not always bad. At times you will be thanking God for all unanswered prayers when he denied you all the other women you prayed for and wanted but instead led you to the feet of the most amazing woman. Asthandile was my woman.

I decided to go visit some friends of mine. This being Cape Town I had quite a few. I had schooled here and a lot of people from Mdantsane where here too both employed and unemployed. One of my friends, Lwando was a doctor and he lived nearby. When I got there he was with some of his friends that I had never met. If men are not discussing sports and politics we are discussing women. Its only small boys that discuss cars. Here the topic was women. As the only married person there the guys were on my case immediately. I was considered an authority on the topic. One of his friends a doctor too, Oliver was looking to propose. Problem is he had only been dating the girl for a year. According to the guys she had pushed for the marriage so the question became whether she was doing for love or for money? Most men, myself included to certain extent, think about money and notice when we date. What does she want? Me or my money? There are a lot of gold diggers out there. Have you ever walked into a mall and seen the most beautiful woman on the arm of the ugliest man ever? Its rare true but on such occasion make an effort to follow them out and see what the man drives! More often than not his car can buy your house! They wanted me to advise him against but on the basis on what it would do to his sex life, his happiness and most importantly to how he saw love! I tried to decline but the guys nagged until I told him that he should go for it if she makes him happy but it will not be exactly the same now compared to after the wedding. All the boys started laughing each putting a snide comment of the things he would lose from money to sex etc. Women get this please in spite of your pride and stubbornness to hear reason, men fear marriage because they fear they lose a lot of their self and being! The most beautiful thing in a man’s heart is freedom and not love. The debate raged on for hours and eventually I left. They were still arguing even then. I could not handle. I missed my wife.

When I picked her up she was very cheerful. It was like that phone sex misunderstanding never happened. She told me everything about her trip. To be fair it was really boring but good husbands listen so I listened. Nothing irritates a woman more than a man who does not listen! That’s like a cardinal sin. When my turn came to tell her about my weekend I told her that I did nothing just worked and slept.

My wife was good at pretending that something did not happen! She would pick the most menial topics to avoid an issue. Like her I believed that she must pick her battles well. This was worthy of a fight so I was not letting it go! Come to think of it, men and women fight on different things and shallow as it might sound, sex is something we would fight for. I just felt pathetic saying that.

She made it clear that she would not be doing phone sex. She argued that how could she have done in her mother’s home that would have been disrespectful for one. Maybe I am weak but I kind of understood that argument. Imagine sitting in your sitting room talking dirty on the phone looking at a big portrait of your parents wedding in front of you. I told her though that it was not good enough!

Then I brought up oral sex! She was so disgusted she even stood up and went to the kitchen! I followed her. She said that was only for prostitutes she cannot do that. She even brought God into the argument and said He would not approve! I was so annoyed at this part! Like really? I swear I wanted to strangle her (figuratively) at this moment. This woman was insane! I walked out and sat by the pool. I needed to cool myself down but I didn’t calculate that this would have agitated her too!

She followed me out, stood in front of me and said,

“Men only want to try out new things with their wives after someone else has shown them new things? Are you cheating on me and now want to try it out on me?”

This was my together forever standing in front of me and she had unwittingly just said we would never try anything new in our marriage because it would mean I was up to something!

Welcome to my marriage!

****The End****

Michael Nkululeko Maphoto
Mikeatdiary (instagram)

Dear Mike

I have been dating the same guy for 5 years and I am from Jhb. In that time I have cheated three times but all times far away with guys I will never meet again. One time it was when I was in Dbn on a girls trip away with a Zulu guy who was cousins to one of the girls we went with. This was about two years into the relationship. The problem is recently I went to visit my boyfriend (whom his brothers and sisters told me he is going to propose soon mind you) and guess what, the guy I slept with in Durban was in the cubicle next to his at work. He even remembered me and greeted me by name. My boyfriend obviously asked in front of us both how we know each other. It was awkward. I am scared that he will tell my soon to be fiancΓ© the truth. What should I do? Should I confess everything, warn my one night stand or live in fear that one day it will happen?



55 thoughts on “Memoirs – Chapter Eleven

  1. Dis woman need a slap ,uncisha indoda n now accuse him of cheating.If I was man n my woman acted lyk dis I mit as well cheat yoh haibo!

  2. Thanx Mike, im hooked. Hi lerato eish dear if it was me i wasnt gonna confess what if ur confession wl change everything? Only to find out dat, de ada guy wasnt gonna kiss nd tell either. I dnt knw dear serious, do what ur hrt tells u to do.

  3. Thanks Mike, i enjoyed it a lot. Hayi naye Asthandile is so old fashioned. You need to live a little woman. That’s your husband enjoy being together…haibo!

  4. Thanx dear,i’m actually reading your book for the very 1st time and i must say,it’s a job well done.Can’t wait to get on with others.
    The whole of yesterday i kept checking your wall looking for chapter 11 as i had read 1-10.

  5. “ok I will like 2 support mike on some other tings! there are things thath doesn’t look good doing with ur wife like a dog style and oral sex…if your wife is a christain or comes frm very religious family just 4get she will agree 2 doggy nd oral I a man..I want dat kind of sex bt she duznt and won’t feel comfoartable doing it!…and the sex u hv wit ur wife will alwys be difa 2 di 1 u had with ur can’t be same! Q&A hey gal u cheated on ur fiance nd u scared he will find out sooner or later,,4 me di best ting is 2 warn dat ada guy u slept wit not say anyting becos u’re abat 2 get married..just warn him not 2 say anyting 2 ur fiance.

    1. navigator I feel a marriage is a two way traffic so if we marry and have conditions such as “no doggy style” or “oral sex” y not have a condition that I can go and get it from outside? Christian or not Christian, well cultured or not, if I get the best at home then I will be as good and trustworthy outside not to misbehave!!! 10/10 man fantasize about different sex positions and 10/10 man have masturbated and believe me we don’t masturbate thinking about our wife’s!!! I can be doing my wife while I’m thinking about another women and by the way I stopped cheating on my wife about a year ago when she started doing things I fantasized about before and she would refuse to do but who ever told her its not a sin to suck my D***k and satisfy my requests saved her heartache!!! an saved myself from dissatisfaction!!!

      1. Sex between two married ppl should be limitless. There is nothing you should not experiment. As long as the other part is game, game on. Being married for 15 years, there are things that I still want to do with my husband that he is not yet comfortable with, so I will wait and keep on selling these ideas, being a wife means you need to be better than a prostitute in giving it to your man.

  6. Thnx mike….@lerato I wudnt confess because what if u ruin ur relationship wit something dat didn’t mean anything to u, it will torture u but confessing will only make things worse. However its ur decision to make lovie

  7. Wow I guess marriage ain’t what it seems from the outside after all. But 2 be honest, this is a real eye opener, we as women sometimes have this manual of do’s and don’t’s when it comes to marriage just like Asthandile right here. Thanx Mikey

  8. Thanx Mike for the great chapter. I honestly don’t get women who refuse to try anything new with their husbands. If you cannot feel free with the one man you swore to God that you are going to stick with for life who do you expect to feel free with?.Aargh man, I don’t even seem to recall anywhere in the bible were kinkiness is forbidden. Can someone quote the verse for me. Married women always refer to God not allowing being spontaneous but most of them engaged in premarital sex.. Such hypocrites

  9. Hi mike
    Wow,I think writting book is a God given gift to you,please continue with confessions as well bcoz I’m missing it like crazy .
    @ lerato,my grany always advised me to Deny, Deny. Deny .once you confess, you might just loose everything and that will be like 5 years down the drain.what happened is the past so keep it there as part of your history n and a lesson or reminder to you to never cheat again .

  10. lol @lerato have you not learnt anything from diary of a zulu girl…keep your mouth shut. if Mr Fling was gonna tell on you he would have by now, since he hasnt then he knows his place in the whole picture. im sure he has found out some info on you and you boyfriend and is now clear on where he fits in the picture which is nowhere. trust me keep it moving.

  11. I don’t know why women they have to say no to their husband/boyfriends to oral sex and doggy but they go out and cheat they do the same things they say no to their husbands/boyfriends.

  12. Eish ya neh Mike,what can I say I’m hooked n cnt wait for chapter 12 as for Sim I’m not sure what to call her bcs I dnt like judging ppl bt to keep throwing god in everything dats a little bit unfair I mean she does wear her bikini’s doesn’t god forbid?????????????just curious how does this thing of god works ka nnete!

  13. good read Mike, as for the views of how people get married and why today!!! lets be realistic is there any women even a man who wants to marry someone who is gonna be a burden for life? no potential for financial income I don’t think so!!! empty pockets does not pay bills!!! well for reference checkout high school life back then, women never went for a guy studying History *no offense* but 1st options were those studying Physical science stream why because they were potential future financed hubby but todays life even History students get these women because people now know that Attorney’s and politicians too can originate from there!!! reality is Money rules many!!! people just lack information as to how to get quick cash!!! but all want it!!!

  14. A2Q: You tell your man, then what must happen? You think he’ll forgive you? Nope, he won’t. Carry that secret to your grave and pray he never finds out. If that guy says something, DENY. Say he’s a hater. You know him because he’s your friends cousin, period. And if you really like your boyfriend, stop cheating on him so you won’t find yourself in this situation again.

  15. Didn’t you engage with sex before marriage, because you would have known that she’s a prude . If you want to keep your happy home then compromise is the name of the game sisi. I’m not saying you have to go overboard because everyone has their limits but I think not doing doggy style is a bit much.

  16. Ola Mike
    U see girls have becme as notorious as men, we have never liked these girls trip or night outs.
    It makes scence cause when have boys night out or trips, and meet crew of chicks, and have fun with them and never see them again. The same applies. they have left their men to have fun too.

  17. @Lerato never ever and I mean NEVER admit being unfaithful to your man no matter what the other guy says to your man like ROX said DENY DENY DENY if he finds out. In this case there will be no benefit for the greater good believe me as your man will never forget your infedelity.

  18. Thank you Mike!

    Now I und’stand y Mxolisi is the title says “Memoirs of a Tired black man” …he is tired of not getting spantu the way a se batlang. Now he is gonna cheat! men cheat…u dont give..he go gets..simple as that.

    Now this crap that U cant do this coz U married is gonna coz U your marriage wena Asthandile. Didn’t U do these things b4 U tied the knot? I guess so coz U thot its on coz U pretty ne’…now bubby is goona do that with some woman…maybe even your frien Khanyi..i tell U.

    This reminds me what my granny told me when I got married. My child…she said: “those legs must be @ the back of his neck” as n when he wants them to be…he will never go anywhere. Be a bitch in the bedroom & a good cook in the kitchen…just for your husband.”

    Asthandile…u dont do oral & doggy sex…i’ll do it for u girl.

    @Lerato…u say..he goes…simple as that as well! Just tell your Zulu guy to keep mum. When your soon to be fiance asks where U know him from…just say he 1’s dated your cousin. Make sure he is aware that gonna say the same thing.As for confirmation that girl cheat on girls outings…well…sumtimes…its only natural..get used to it..that what makes the world go round.

  19. Thanks Mike, as always a fascinating read. I really feel for this guy bantu, his wife is systematically killing their marriage unbeknownst to her. She needs to talk to Dr Eve or such, in fact those who are engaged to be married should go for counselling that includes what their married sex life expectations are and half of the problems would at least be addressed. This Asthandi lady will realise halfway into her marriage that she has to change her attitude and by then a lot of damage will have been done. Get the husband to suggest they seek counselling now.

    Dearest you are reaping what you sowed unfortunately, but as life experience would say do NOT confess anything, 3 years ago you did not know that you would still be with the same guy. DENY anything that points to you and have a plausible explanation how that guy could have been mistaken about the whole thing. Most, not all, guys have very low tolerance for female infidelity despite their proclivity for it. Society in general tends to be harsh on women if proven to be unfaithful no matter if the guy they are partners with is a well known philanderer of note.

    Maybe in the future things will change as I see that today’s young women are dishing out a tougher line and guys are going to have to live with those women. For now do the wise thing shut your mouth, the truth must always be used wisely otherwise it can be a weapon to hurt another.

    All the best with your decision dearest.

  20. Nxa dis Asthadile is like a chicken on a braai stand waiting to be turned up or down.I’m sorry but I’m gonna be against dis ada verse in da bible dat says no sex b4 marriage.U c afta marriage u jus realised dat u got married to someone who doesn’t even knw how to OT have a marriage marinate(sex)then dats wen ds sin adultry. Come up in our minds.Like 2so said be a bitch in a bedroom n a cook in a kitchen.I remember dat too wen I ws at my friend s wedding n a pastor said dat wen he advise on marriage.Open 180degrees for ur man.Always live a stamp for each day.
    @Lerato…..Men don’t forgive baby so zip ur big “M”.Frm there u will cry blood not salty tears.But stop cheating urself n come back n say u have cheated on ur man.I’m saying dis cos its u who was kissing n shagging outside but pains cos if u wil unfortunately get aids then its gonna affect dis one who ddnt go outside.Best of luck baby girl.

  21. Like seriously now Asthandile needs a wake up call it’s 2014 and not 1840. Why is she starving her man like this, her husband wants to spice things up and try new things in their marriage but noooo she doesn’t want to and now she’s accusing her husband of cheating. I guess she’s content with doing the frozen chicken style in bed.

    Thanks Mike for this wonderful chapter

  22. Lerato, girls night out huh πŸ™‚ let’s be real here. The only reason you want to confess is because your fling is now a colleague. Point is, you were never gonna confess. DO NOT, under circumstances, tell him. Even if he gets a sniff of it at the office through the corridors, again DENY it, women are good at it anyways.

    He will never forget it, he might forgive you and everything. But he will never fully trust you. And besides, the old adage, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, holds true in this situation.

  23. Shame gal not confess eva even if the guy 4rm wrk tells him which i doubt he would coz man r not like dat do not i mean DO NOT confess man r not that forgiving.if necessary warn ur 1 nightstand only if necessary and if he says smthing to ur man deny it gal deny it

  24. Q&A Please do not confess, that would a huge mistake. Tell the other guy not to say a word. Somethings are better left unsaid, telling the truth is overrated somethings, it ruins lives at times, so thula du cc, I wouldnt say a word either

  25. Lerato my angeltjie, u must never eva eva kiss nd tell, if u get caught, deny deny deny, nd dat ring u waiting for will b a noose around ur pretty lil neck foreva, i dnt knw why woman always feel dis need to confess, cc guys dnt forgive ubufebe they neva have nd neva will, u cheated, ur confessin wnt change dat, it wnt make u feel beta, its ur sin nje so eat it quitely nd privately

  26. intresting read Mike ,as my bf asked for hand in mariage,this blog is gona help me a lot abt mariage life b4 I enter to it,,,,,to Lerato’s Q&A DO NOT CONFESS otherwise u will lose yo man forever,remember MEN are not forgiving as us WOMEN

  27. it’s true these women are hypocrites, I got married 2 my husband of 2 years a virgin, he basically taught me most of the things I know in the bedroom whereas some I learnt from friends and reading books just to stay on my A game. we even attend sexpos just for the fun of it, who says marriage must be boring? I don’t know why but men are really 80% about sex, they think about when they’re not doing it lol if you want a happy marriage satisfy your man it’s as simple as that, i am the happiest woman on earth i have my man’s full on attention and he gives me anything i ask for at any time. we’re both God fearing mind you πŸ™‚ so Asthandile must stop playing and play her part before someone else plays it for her lol

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