Everyone lies! The reasons are different of course but we all do it. Usually we lie to protect ourselves and that’s the most basic reason. However in marriage we lie to protect our partners and no I am not saying its ideal but its reality. At every wedding every pastor encourages you to be open and honest with your partner but the true reality is there are things you should keep from them if you want to stay married. Marriage and trust are like a plain piece of paper, if you wrinkle that paper it will never ever fully straighten again. Simply put, there are some things that if you confess them to your partner be rest assured that they will never ever fully trust you again. There is this thing which woman say to us men that you must trust her enough to make the right decision in a situation, BULLSHIT! A Xhosa woman is often ruled by intense emotion hence their violent outbursts at times. Ask any non Xhosa woman why they don’t usually want to mess with Xhosa woman and they will tell you that it is because they know how to bring you drama you will never forget. Lying might be seen as bad but it will save your marriage. I was not proud of myself though for how weakly I had capitulated to a woman I did not even think was that pretty. Certainly she had nothing on my wife yet here I was. What was worse was that I had never cheated on my wife at this stage. I had flirted every now and again but nothing hectic. I was under no illusion there that what had happened was very wrong and should never even have been allowed to happen. In my head I told myself that if I went and told my wife it would mean she would never trust me and if I didn’t it would mean I had enjoyed what had happened. In marriage the issue is always how you pick your battles. My wife often joked that if I ever cheated on her she would cut off my balls and feed them to me. Yes I know she was joking but with a woman from Mdantsane you never know when the joke will be on you.
When we went to bed the guilt was killing me. I had a lot of complicated thoughts in my head. Everything had happened so fast. I had met that woman only a day earlier and already she had kissed me. Is this what they call ceasing the moment. It was way too soon. Maybe she was a whore or something. You know those people that can’t help it around men. That’s the only thing I could think of. My wife didn’t know her well enough so I couldn’t even ask her. She truly must be. She knew I was married and still kissed me in my wife’s house with my wife a few metres away. Who does that? When my wife finally joined me in bed I made love to her the best way I can. Even she noted that there was extra care in how I did it. It was the guilt. The first time you cheat in marriage its almost like you want to cleanse yourself. You want to remind your partner how much you love them. This was my moment. She told me how much she loved me and appreciated me. She said she was so grateful for everything I had done for her. She called herself the luckiest woman alive. I don’t mind a woman being appreciative of her man but in all honesty when you start to make it seems as though you owe your husband then you opening yourself up to him taking advantage. Its pretty simple really. In our marriage even though it was so young we had already reached that stage were sex was no longer an adventure but a chore. To be honest I usually was to blame because of my long hours. However and this women should take note of, my wife never really motivated. On TV you see white women walking in sexy lingerie, massaging ‘daddy’ after a long day, making romantic dinners, wearing seductive outfits to fulfil hubbys fantasies but I don’t think black women have that creative gene. Ironically enough, every black women who watches soapies especially when such scenes come up think wow that is so sexy yet they never actually think, wow let me try that tonight. On your birthday yes will she do that but on any other Sunday you can forget about that shit. The point was and is that she was not my slave and was not forced to do it nor am I saying that it was her primary job to wait up for me at home so that she could get laid, no! The point is creativity and open mindness is a huge incentive to keeping it hot in the bed. Human beings are creatures of habit. Normally we had one round sex, cuddled then slept. Tonight though after the first round there was a round two. I mastered every ounce of energy in me to get that to happen. My guilt was eating me up to her benefit and boy o boy was she appreciative.
Sunday morning we went to church together. I usually make excuses so she was pleasantly surprised. First the amazing sex now we were churching together, what more could a girl want. As we stay on the border of Rondebosch and Rosebank, we are spoilt for churches. When we first arrived in the area we attended the Methodist church next to Kilindini a boys residence at UCT located on Main Road. It was a walk away. It was a very white membered church I must say and we felt we didn’t belong. Traditional values and so on. We then moved to His People which held its service in Baxter Theatre. It made sense because it was pretty young and mostly catered for the students at the university. On the walk back home my wife kept on telling me how happy she was God had answered her prayers to have found Khanyi and Bulelwa. Now she had friends in Cape Town. In my head I was saying God had nothing to do with it but this was the devils work. I wanted to tell her I won’t lie but the more I thought about it the worse the consequencies looked in my head. Most men, myself included work on the notion of “what she does not know won’t kill her”. Women like to say to say that they have so many secrets blah blah blah but they don’t come close to men. Yes you can have the big secrets but the on quantity men take the prize. That thing of people saying that women lie more than men is a lie in its own because when it comes to lies men simply are masters at it. There is no other way to put it. The first ten years of marriage is where the most lies come in marriage as your husband will still be trying to figure out what he can tell you and get away with and most certainly what he should never say. That is when your relationship is truly defined.
Monday morning I went back to work. Daluxolo was practically waiting for me to ask me about my weekend. I decided not to tell him about the incident because I knew how old fashioned he was. True to form he said I should be weary of my wives friends because if they are drinkers and get comfortable coming to my house that’s were problems start. I was not sure what he was trying to say because surely he was not saying my wife should not have friends coming over? Come on now that was ridiculous. I needed to ask for advice though.
At lunch my wife told me that she wanted to go shopping after work with Bulelwa. There were some places which she wanted to go to which only Bulelwa knew. When you are newlyweds you tell each other all your movements. It is called being romantic by women but to us men we call it keeping tabs. We hardly ever return the favour to the fullest. Every man does it. We turn what women call sweet and romantics into mechanisms to guilt them and make them comply to us. In marriage especially we start small new traditions like this one saying we want to build a beautiful marriage. Ironically these are the very things that will eventually shackle your wife to the marriage as for some reason men actually have a good memory when it comes to reminding you of the rules.
When she was there she called me and said that Khanyi had called her acting funny and said that she had something to tell her about me! I panicked! She asked me if I knew anything about it and of course I said no. I made sure that when I spoke I was as calm as possible. I did not want to make her suspect anything even though deep down I was in turmoil. What the hell was wrong with this woman but worse…what the hell was wrong with me for not telling my wife the truth.
What the hell? This was bad. I felt as though I was being set up. I told my wife it was time to come home but she said no she wanted to hear this. I realized that if I pushed this then I would be screwing myself over as she would see that I was nervous.
I just sat there wondering what had I done?
I had messed up!
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)
I’m 22 and i had a baby at 19 when i was doing my 2nd in varsity. when my mom found out about my pregnancy she disowned me and baby dad married me, he’s been a good guy throughout the pregnancy. he paid for my school fees and everything but recently he has changed, he cheats with more than 2 girls at time. when i confront him he says i’m looking for an excuse to leave him now that i’ve got my degree and working. I feel bad coz he is still paying up the loans he took out to pay for my fees. He is a great dad and he loves our daughter. I don’t know what to do please help!!!