Memoirs – Chapter Six

Posted on Posted in Memoirs of a Tired Black Man

Everyone lies! The reasons are different of course but we all do it. Usually we lie to protect ourselves and that’s the most basic reason. However in marriage we lie to protect our partners and no I am not saying its ideal but its reality. At every wedding every pastor encourages you to be open and honest with your partner but the true reality is there are things you should keep from them if you want to stay married. Marriage and trust are like a plain piece of paper, if you wrinkle that paper it will never ever fully straighten again. Simply put, there are some things that if you confess them to your partner be rest assured that they will never ever fully trust you again. There is this thing which woman say to us men that you must trust her enough to make the right decision in a situation, BULLSHIT! A Xhosa woman is often ruled by intense emotion hence their violent outbursts at times. Ask any non Xhosa woman why they don’t usually want to mess with Xhosa woman and they will tell you that it is because they know how to bring you drama you will never forget. Lying might be seen as bad but it will save your marriage. I was not proud of myself though for how weakly I had capitulated to a woman I did not even think was that pretty. Certainly she had nothing on my wife yet here I was. What was worse was that I had never cheated on my wife at this stage. I had flirted every now and again but nothing hectic. I was under no illusion there that what had happened was very wrong and should never even have been allowed to happen. In my head I told myself that if I went and told my wife it would mean she would never trust me and if I didn’t it would mean I had enjoyed what had happened. In marriage the issue is always how you pick your battles. My wife often joked that if I ever cheated on her she would cut off my balls and feed them to me. Yes I know she was joking but with a woman from Mdantsane you never know when the joke will be on you.

When we went to bed the guilt was killing me. I had a lot of complicated thoughts in my head. Everything had happened so fast. I had met that woman only a day earlier and already she had kissed me. Is this what they call ceasing the moment. It was way too soon. Maybe she was a whore or something. You know those people that can’t help it around men. That’s the only thing I could think of. My wife didn’t know her well enough so I couldn’t even ask her. She truly must be. She knew I was married and still kissed me in my wife’s house with my wife a few metres away. Who does that? When my wife finally joined me in bed I made love to her the best way I can. Even she noted that there was extra care in how I did it. It was the guilt. The first time you cheat in marriage its almost like you want to cleanse yourself. You want to remind your partner how much you love them. This was my moment. She told me how much she loved me and appreciated me. She said she was so grateful for everything I had done for her. She called herself the luckiest woman alive. I don’t mind a woman being appreciative of her man but in all honesty when you start to make it seems as though you owe your husband then you opening yourself up to him taking advantage. Its pretty simple really. In our marriage even though it was so young we had already reached that stage were sex was no longer an adventure but a chore. To be honest I usually was to blame because of my long hours. However and this women should take note of, my wife never really motivated. On TV you see white women walking in sexy lingerie, massaging ‘daddy’ after a long day, making romantic dinners, wearing seductive outfits to fulfil hubbys fantasies but I don’t think black women have that creative gene. Ironically enough, every black women who watches soapies especially when such scenes come up think wow that is so sexy yet they never actually think, wow let me try that tonight. On your birthday yes will she do that but on any other Sunday you can forget about that shit. The point was and is that she was not my slave and was not forced to do it nor am I saying that it was her primary job to wait up for me at home so that she could get laid, no! The point is creativity and open mindness is a huge incentive to keeping it hot in the bed. Human beings are creatures of habit. Normally we had one round sex, cuddled then slept. Tonight though after the first round there was a round two. I mastered every ounce of energy in me to get that to happen. My guilt was eating me up to her benefit and boy o boy was she appreciative.

Sunday morning we went to church together. I usually make excuses so she was pleasantly surprised. First the amazing sex now we were churching together, what more could a girl want. As we stay on the border of Rondebosch and Rosebank, we are spoilt for churches. When we first arrived in the area we attended the Methodist church next to Kilindini a boys residence at UCT located on Main Road. It was a walk away. It was a very white membered church I must say and we felt we didn’t belong. Traditional values and so on. We then moved to His People which held its service in Baxter Theatre. It made sense because it was pretty young and mostly catered for the students at the university. On the walk back home my wife kept on telling me how happy she was God had answered her prayers to have found Khanyi and Bulelwa. Now she had friends in Cape Town. In my head I was saying God had nothing to do with it but this was the devils work. I wanted to tell her I won’t lie but the more I thought about it the worse the consequencies looked in my head. Most men, myself included work on the notion of “what she does not know won’t kill her”. Women like to say to say that they have so many secrets blah blah blah but they don’t come close to men. Yes you can have the big secrets but the on quantity men take the prize. That thing of people saying that women lie more than men is a lie in its own because when it comes to lies men simply are masters at it. There is no other way to put it. The first ten years of marriage is where the most lies come in marriage as your husband will still be trying to figure out what he can tell you and get away with and most certainly what he should never say. That is when your relationship is truly defined.

Monday morning I went back to work. Daluxolo was practically waiting for me to ask me about my weekend. I decided not to tell him about the incident because I knew how old fashioned he was. True to form he said I should be weary of my wives friends because if they are drinkers and get comfortable coming to my house that’s were problems start. I was not sure what he was trying to say because surely he was not saying my wife should not have friends coming over? Come on now that was ridiculous. I needed to ask for advice though.

At lunch my wife told me that she wanted to go shopping after work with Bulelwa. There were some places which she wanted to go to which only Bulelwa knew. When you are newlyweds you tell each other all your movements. It is called being romantic by women but to us men we call it keeping tabs. We hardly ever return the favour to the fullest. Every man does it. We turn what women call sweet and romantics into mechanisms to guilt them and make them comply to us. In marriage especially we start small new traditions like this one saying we want to build a beautiful marriage. Ironically these are the very things that will eventually shackle your wife to the marriage as for some reason men actually have a good memory when it comes to reminding you of the rules.

When she was there she called me and said that Khanyi had called her acting funny and said that she had something to tell her about me! I panicked! She asked me if I knew anything about it and of course I said no. I made sure that when I spoke I was as calm as possible. I did not want to make her suspect anything even though deep down I was in turmoil. What the hell was wrong with this woman but worse…what the hell was wrong with me for not telling my wife the truth.

What the hell? This was bad. I felt as though I was being set up. I told my wife it was time to come home but she said no she wanted to hear this. I realized that if I pushed this then I would be screwing myself over as she would see that I was nervous.

I just sat there wondering what had I done?

I had messed up!

****The End****
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto (fb)

Dear Mike

I’m 22 and i had a baby at 19 when i was doing my 2nd in varsity. when my mom found out about my pregnancy she disowned me and baby dad married me, he’s been a good guy throughout the pregnancy. he paid for my school fees and everything but recently he has changed, he cheats with more than 2 girls at time. when i confront him he says i’m looking for an excuse to leave him now that i’ve got my degree and working. I feel bad coz he is still paying up the loans he took out to pay for my fees. He is a great dad and he loves our daughter. I don’t know what to do please help!!!

Miss T

84 thoughts on “Memoirs – Chapter Six

  1. Iyoyoyo die poppe saal dance bhuti… Hewethu where are the people namhlanje? Anyhu, great read Mike you done did it again… I love this book its so captivating and the life lessons given are priceless, if u not taking tips usenjeni!

  2. Thanks mike for the great Chapter as usual
    Miss T this guy is now emotionally blackmailing you, now that you are working can’t you take over the loans and pay for them yourselve?
    he paid for your fees so what will you pay him back with your life, coz if he is cheating chances of him getting Disease are plenty.
    staying in a relationship out of guilt or for your child is not a great idea.
    Think about yourself and your happiness.

  3. I’m falling in luv wit this book day by day. Thanx Bra Mike I just hope this b*tch is not here to destroy her friends marriage
    A: cheating is cheating the is no ada way of defining it, talk to him abt it, shw him how this is killing u inside n go fr counseling if necessary. But dnt stay wit a cheating man fr the sake of guilt/ pity that he paid fr ur fees. All the best!

  4. This Khanyi woman is a stocker, i bet she wants to try and get the husband away from the wife so she can get him alone don’t you see that? Izifebe behave like this…Thanks for the chapter Mike hope confessions will come soon….

  5. Oh my God Mike u master a man s mind .I can’t believe all dis …
    I’m so in love with dis blog.Now I c why my Python made love to me like dat da other…..guilt.Thanks Mike .

    1. Lol Palesa. Yep have proven this theory many times myself. When a guy is guilty he bends over himself tryna be sweet and attentive. . .

  6. Na I don’t think she’ll confess. She only said that to see if her husband had told her about the kiss. Now that she knows he hasn’t she’s gonna say something like “You have such an amazing husband, he spoke about you the whoooole time on our drive last night- you’re so lucky girl!” *gags*

  7. Ms T

    i couldnt say it better than Kebs, emotional blackmail is not good, tell him he either changes or leave his cheating ass, before you infected with diseases.

  8. Men say they cheat because woman make sex a chore… they also say we fail to see that the point to keeping your man is creativity and open mindness. woman are creatures of habit and that drops the heat in the bedroom.
    But my question is when do they bring in such in relationships? Why should this point be one sided?
    Don’t they know that they bore us more then we bore them?
    We have just been served this principle that you man is your man and he needs to be satisfied even though you aren’t.
    Tradition and culture has made woman less vocal when it come to sex and other issues that would tarnish a mans ego.

    I honestly don’t get the logic behind this… please shed some light.

  9. miss T doesnt mean bcs he paid for your fees he owns u or he has to do what ever he wants,if paying for ur fees is that important to him then pay him back then u will be even,he wont have anything on u cs its not like he found u doing nothing with your life,u where already in varsity so if he ddnt get u preg you wuld hv stil got ur degree. mayb after that he will change cos he will hv nothing to blackmail u with.

  10. I just want to thank Mike for this great book…it quotes nothing but the truth that happens to most young married couples,the world that we live in nower days,we need pipol like mike to remind us of things like events in ths book indeed daz happen. Every woman/man in a relationship should jus keep on praying and hoping that whats happening to ths young couple in the book daznt happe to yal..

  11. Answer to Miss T: staying with a cheating man will kill you emotionally,physicall and mentally.this man is blackmailing you and akukho ryt.another thing u dnt have to stay for the to him,ask him to change but if he dznt…oh well u wud have tried. U are a princess,a daughter of Abraham and u dzv to be treated like rolalty!

    Thanks again for anada great chapter Nkuluh 🙂

  12. Miss T its sad that ur mom had to disown you..marrying at such a young age yoh 2me that just not ayoba,u shudnt even be going thru marital problems yet girl u still young shame…but whats done is done u have a child now and u just need to thank God u had an opportunity to continue with ur degree tht ensures that u will neva not be able to take care of ur child..As for ur man eish hard luck if hes really cheating,men cheat thtz a fact nd that daznt mean he daznt love u or whatsoever,u just gotte find a way to deal with him and make him appreciate u and respect u enuf not to cheat anymore

  13. Thanks Mike, hope the ladies are taking notes……..

    Ms T i think your guy is either feeling threatened by the fact that you are now out there with your degree. He`s probably feeling unworthy of you so much tat he thinks you being out there is exposing you to more educated and classy guys….he needs some kind of assurance that you will not leave him, it`s typical of men but he will be fine with time…On to you, how is your behaviour in the house, r you still the same loving person he married or have you changed?

  14. Hi Mike!

    I’ve read all your books and enjoy them thoroughly!!!!! You’re fantastic!!!!!
    I’m glad to finally read something from a male perspective, us ladies need to learn a few things about these Hubbies of ours.

    To Miss T, girl listen up. Know your worth!!! Yes your Mr did a gracious thing by marrying you and helping you with your studies , however that doesn’t give him the right to start cheating.
    Yes you will feel bad, it’s human nature. This man is in debt because of you. You need to get past that, swallow that guilt and tell him upfront how you feel, if he respects you he’ll hear you out. Using your degree against you is so not right and you need to tell him that to, tell him how all of this makes you fell. Maybe try marriage counselling to, it’ll probably help.

    My advise is, you can’t be fighting off woman all the time, if you can, save up and pay him back what’s let and leave. Promiscious man get us ladies sick and worse!! Death from stress…lol…I know this isn’t funny but you need to get yourself together and KNOW YOUR WORTH!!!!!

  15. This explains y my man was way too romantic this past week. I mean, he even took leave at work so we can spend “quality” time together arg! Men

  16. Mmmmh owk mike ya going steve harvey on us guyz,,exposing us like tht mmmmmh mmmh mmmh,.ma lady duz read ths book nd she’s looking for wht eva u said here in mi,ngisenjen

  17. a2q bekezela from a personel point of view growing up without a father is not a walk in the park so when u make your decision please do consider your daughter

  18. mike that was a good chapter.

    A2Q Sister please remember that you secrifised alot for being with him altleast his Loan will be paid off one day what happens to your relationship with your mother, you can always remind him that leaving him is a small price to pay comapared to the price you are paying for being disowened by your mother. Relationships are there to keep you happy not degrade you .

  19. Bra Mike im so loving this ,yaah neh now we know that when they act too nice they are propably feeling gulity about something ;ladies not evertime your man is nice to you it means he is cheating it simply means he ADORES YOU

  20. @ Simpz….Its true baby.N also good cos its his way of paying for his sins…*wink*.
    @ Bridgett….Lovey mmmmmm your ? S difficult but I would say as a woman play ur part b’twin da sheets n make him sweat…Lol….then master all in a kitchen.Make him feel like he s da only man in dis planet then da rest will follow.N communication is da key to a healthy relationship.Tell ur guy hw u want to be kissed n touched neh n lead da way mos plus rona basadi re Eve s tribe.

  21. You seem to love your man from what you are saying. I therefore suggest you talk to him about all this, explain to him how it makes you feel and ask him to consider your feelings when he does these things. Be careful if you decide to leave him, don’t move from the frying pan to the fire. I have seen such happening to some people. And by the way, what has happened between you and your mother? Try and mend that relationship as well, you need to. Get some relative she loves and respects or a Pastor from Church to help you guys find some kind of truce. Good Luck!

  22. Totally agree with @Bridget Mike can be misleading at other times…I’ve noticed you like saying negative stuff about married woman in particular…in your 3 books when the marriage goes sour you emphasize the blame on a woman…now you talk about black women who don’t do enough in the bedroom..hai…wena as a black man do u think u have all the qualities that most white men to keep their women entertained in the bedroom? Don’t think so…coz this is always one sided…wives blamed all the time!! You just don’t know abuti, some black men are lazy ene ba a bora sham ko kamoreng…my point being sta away from stereotyping…not good at all brada!!! There are black women out there who goes all out to spice it up, and there are some lazy black men out there who treat sex as a chore…and are terribly lazy to be creative in bed! U are still living in that century…over time, husbands bore wives as much as wives bore husbands….hello check women infidelity abuti!

  23. Tis Kanyi is sumthng els n uyadika 4 MissT.thnk him 4 paying ur fees bt nw tht u also wrkin u can pay ur own billz.u dnt hv to sty wit hm for da sake of wat he haz done 4 u, wat abwt ur own hapines? gl u only 22.u stil hv a plenty of lyf ahead of u, wlk out of tht torture n live yo lyf the wy u lyk it!

  24. wow mike another gud 1….lookin 4ward 2 knw chapter…abt the letter of a lady looking 4 help…u must nt let ur husband make u feel guilty..cheating is wrong in any realationship if u want 2 leave him leave him as he is nt even willing 2 admit & appologies because he feels tht he owns u…he paid 4 u coz he loved u n now he daz not have respect 4 u.

  25. Great chapter buti! @ MrsD don’t take it personally my dear angithi uMike is just showing us ukuthi men nd women don’t see things the same way

  26. Miss T U deserve to be treated way better, eventhou you’ve got a baby wth him and he paid for your fees n what not that’s no reason for you to stay with a man who treats you that way..

    Bridget I couldn agree with U more on that, a guy must give as much as he expects his girl to give, n vice versa.. its a two way street.

  27. Q/A if you have your degree and maybe working, offer to take over paying the loans and leave him. Do not let him manipulate you into staying. He will always use that reason as a defense. He cheats and expect you to take it. He can be a dad to the baby but ex to you. You are still young and have life to live.

    @Mike nice chapter.

  28. @Miss T your husband is playing mind games with you, i m not gonna say leave him, but wake up. He needs to decide whether he wants to stay with u or not.

  29. Men should take a bath or shower b4 getting in2 bed & maybe then we would try to be sexy as they wish. It takes two to tango.

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