Much as men almost always look bad when it comes to divorce most of us do not want to end up in a broken marriage. We make mistakes like even females and usually that mistake is cheating. Its no excuse but I think as men we are cursed. I will give you an example. I can have sex with my wife on a Saturday morning and I am the happiest men alive. I love her. My wife can suggest we take a walk or go shopping. A woman can walk in front of us and her skirt gets blown up by the wind and guess what? As long as I see what’s under that skirt my dick will go up. That ‘guy’ has a life of his own! It’s not because I want to be unfaithful or I am a bad person but my body literally responds to any form of stimulation. Even at work when a woman wears the tightest dress or fails to sit properly, more often than not my body gets aroused. I do not consciously go out and do it because I am a cheat but it happens naturally. When I therefore say men are visual when it comes to sex and physical when it comes to being aroused it is not because we go out there and look for trouble. No. On the contrary, trouble often finds us. Try explaining that to your woman and see how quickly she calls you a dog or how weak you are. Its not like I am the one who said that skirt must get blown up by the wind in any case! That said, the thought of the swimming women still haunted my body not me!
After my wife told me about Khanyi and her wanting to see her over me I decided to call her. I figured that it was best I counter whatever it is she had to say. By call her I mean call Khanyi. The night they went out it was her number I had been given when Bulelwa’s phone did not work. She did not pick up the first time around so I was stuck. I even used the office phone meaning that she did not know my number so I was certain it was not because I was being ignored. I decided to redial this time using my phone. She picked up immediately but said she would call me back she was still with some clients. She sounded cheerful at least so it was not a matter of a woman falling apart with guilt. This was good for me. It means that I had a chance of convincing her not to go confess to my wife. Like most men I was very good at getting out of a tight jam. When alone a man can panic at first but then calm down and come up with solutions that can shock even himself. That’s why when you find out your man might be cheating you should never call him or text him from afar. Wait for him to get home and look him in the eye when you confront him. If you text him for example all he needs in twenty minutes to gather his thoughts and whether he confirms or denies it be rest assured he will make a convincing argument that often makes you look bad and confused. There is a reason why most women come to their men to find solutions to problems. Its because we get very analytical about this and with these skills applying them to a relationship is like second nature.
When she eventually called back I had worked myself into quite a sweat. I was nervous. She said she was pleasantly surprised to hear from me and emphasis on the surprise. Already she was flirting. I was caught in two positions. On the one hand if I told her that I did not want to see her again or near my wife what if she snaps and reports me out of spite and anger. On the other hand if I didn’t then it will look like I am condoning what was happening. Decisions decisions! I had to roll the dice on this one and see how it plays out. She said she would be seeing my wife later over me actually. I pretended not to know and asked why. She said her company was looking for new representation and my firm had come up. She said she was in a position to specifically ask for me but had to make sure that my wife was cool with it otherwise it would look dodge. When you have an affair with someone who knows your girlfriend, she goes a long way to make sure that your wife is comfortable with her being around. This is to allay any suspicion and to genuinely have plausible deniability.
This was awkward. A lot of people who work in private companies will tell you this, black people hardly ever get given real responsibilities in white owned companies. My firm was no different. The important cases were handled by ‘them’ whilst the rest were handed to “us”. Our section was actually quite busy as petty crime to be fair is not usually committed by “them” but by “us”. “They” handled mostly the corporate and civil cases whilst we ran around prisons trying to rescue our own. To therefore run an account meant a hectic step up which I was not going to pass up on marriage or not. Me putting my career first meant that my family would benefit more in the long run and the experience that came with it was immense. She emphasized we would not be working together so I should not worry about that either. Its not unheard of for a company to request exactly whom it wants to handle their account in a firm. All in all it was a pleasant conversation that really made my day.
Now imagine if I had panicked and rushed to call my wife. I would have put myself and marriage in a bad spot. At least now we had established boundaries and we could all benefit. Looking back that is what made my wife and Khanyi get closer. It was more than just friendship for now she was more like a sister to her. That evening when I got home my wife told me that she had spoken to Khanyi. She told me how happy she was and that Khanyi should not have come to her because this was business so she trusted me. If there is one thing Xhosa women understand its money and my wife was no exception. She knew as well as I do that this account would change a lot of things as often I complained at the lack of responsibility I was getting at work. As she had brought Khanyi home I could feel the satisfaction in her voice. This was a good time to be Mr. and Mrs. Sibani.
I hardly saw Khanyi over the next two weeks but I know my wife had lunch with her girls during that period. They had really become fast friends. In fact in my head we had already established boundaries. My wife had to go home because her younger sister had gone missing…again! Zimasa was a problem child and she was only 17. My wife had to go for the weekend as the family yet again had to find her and come up with a new plan to keep the child in place. I didn’t like these trips though because every time she went it cost us money. When you come home from a big city in Mdantsane all the bills they look at you! You easily go off budget by three or four thousand at times! I often warned my wife about this but she always said if she did not do it her family would think ill of her! It’s what black families do. When you have money they expect some of it and if you don’t share they call you proud and so on. They talk about you behind your break and practically pray for you downfall. Jealousy is a huge factor in dealing with the extended family when you are married. Often it is your family that puts pressure on your marriage at the beginning as you fight to establish boundaries without either being disrespectful or stingy!
She left on a Thursday. Friday I went to work but I came back early for once. It was yet another hot day so I settled in and took off the net on the pool. I wanted to take a dip so I could cool off. Just as I got into there was a car at the gate. I heard the buzzer. I went and opened.
When I opened it was Khanyi. She said she was looking for Asthandile. Liar! There is no way she did not know that my wife was not around. I told her that she was not there but had gone to Eastern Cape. She sounded disappointed but I invited her in as I could not exactly chase her away of which she immediately accepted.
We sat and started talking. I was not as nervous as I think I should have been. There is a saying that when the cat is away the mice will play. Often its reserved for kids when parents go away. However, it is also very true for married men when the wife goes home! It is like finally I can breathe! It is heaven.
To play or not to play that became my question?
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto
i’m 24 and i started dating this guy from work since October last year…at first thing were great, he called everyday, sent messages in the morning and we practically saw each other everyday, thing were
great and he was the guy every girl can dream of, i was a virgin and during the course of our relationship we then decided to engage in sex…but then thing started to changed when i got a new job, suddenly
he doesn’t call, doesn’t reply to my messages, and he is just always busy to see me or even chat with me, but he is always on line until late, when i confront him about it, he gets all angry and try to shift the blame to me and we haven’t spoken for three weeks…the thing is I love him but at the same time i feel like i’m not good enough for him. What should I do?
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD YOUR QUESTION AND ANSWER EMAILS TO MIKE@DIARYOFAZULUGIRL.CO.ZA